Harumi Fujiyoshi rocked back in her chair, distress writ large across her face. A song by Van Halen faded out in the background.
"I'm in despair!" she exclaimed. "The terrible state of Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei fanfiction has left me in despair!"
PART I: I'VE GOT IT BAD, GOT IT BAD, GOT IT BAD
Nozomu Itoshiki slammed the door open, his dramatic entrance only slightly dampened by his being nearly an hour late. Thirty-two expectant faces turned toward him. They could tell from plenty of improbable experience that they were in for another strange rant.
Nozomu began the class.
"I'm in des--"
"I'm in despair!!" interrupted Harumi.
"Ah, Fujiyoshi-san! It's unusual to see you volunteer like this, so I suppose I'll let you go first."
"Well, I was reading stories last night on fan fiction dot net," (it was at this point that half the class stopped listening,) "and I discovered that all the fanfiction about us is simply awful!"
"Hey, you shouldn't do that!" Usui Kagerou objected. "You're breaking down the fourth wall!"
Harumi continued as though she hadn't heard. "For starters, I hate it when fanfic authors try to be clever by breaking down the fourth wall, especially since they're usually just using it for a quick throwaway gag! (I somehow feel like that could be a dangerous point to dwell on, though.) Moving on, it also seems like the characters are just caricatures of themselves, since they always use the same catchphrases from the series, like 'I'm in despa'... I suddenly feel like not talking about that one, either. Well, in any case, I object to the pairings! They're all completely unnatural."
There was an awkward pause.
"While I can understand well enough why any normal person would object to unnatural pairings," Nozomu said hesitantly, "since it's you, I feel like I need to verify what, exactly, the objectionable part might be...?"
"Well, for example, a lot of fanfics seem to have you paired with Jun, sensei." Both men seemed to object strongly to this; Harumi couldn't understand why. "When it comes to sensei, of course, it's obvious that sensei's true love should be--" She stopped suddenly. "Um, why is everybody looking at me like that?"
"No, wait, finish that sentence," said Matoi Tsunetsuki, peeping out from behind the lectern at the front of the room. The expression on her face seemed to add: "If I can die for sensei, then surely I could kill for him too..."
"Yes, please continue," said Chiri Kitsu. "I know where you sleep at night," said the look on Chiri Kitsu's face.
Harumi began to sweat.
"Wow, the situation turned dangerous really quickly!" exclaimed Fuura Kafuka brightly.
"I don't suppose I get any say in this--" Nozomu began, but he didn't get to finish his sentence because several people indicated loudly and simultaneously that he did not, in fact, get any say at all.
Harumi, being an unusually bright and resourceful fangirl, thought quickly.
"...a Mary Sue!" she said. "A random character that shows up for the sole purpose of seducing the main character. Of course," she added hastily and with a somewhat strained laugh, "that only happens in fanfiction, nothing to worry about there, hahaha!"
After a moment, she chanced a look around.
Not a threat, Matoi's face seemed to say.
Not a threat, Chiri's face seemed to say.
What the hell was that, said the rest of the faces in the classroom.
Nozomu cleared his throat.
"Well, thank you for that observation, Fujiyoshi. It was very... enlightening, I suppose. Now, if there are no further interruptions--" He walked purposefully out of the room.
There was a moment of confused silence.
"Does... does that mean we're dismissed?" asked Nami Hito, ordinarily.
(That's not even how the word's used, dumbass! This is the worst fanfic ever!! --Meru)
Nozomu Itoshiki slammed the door open, his dramatic entrance only slightly dampened by his having done the exact same thing a few minutes earlier. Thirty-two expectant faces turned toward him.
He tried again.
"I'm in despair!!" he cried. "This society which demands that everything be new has left me in despair!"
"You've already done that one, sensei!" Chiri interrupted. "In season two. If we start repeating themes so casually, it'll be just as bad as being on reruns! Also," she added helpfully, "if you're trying to commit seppuku because of this error, I'm pretty sure that you should be using the sharp edge of the blade, it's much easier that way."
Their teacher dropped the sword he had been rubbing against his stomach, utterly defeated.
"Don't give up yet, sensei!" said Fuura cheerfully. "Since Chiri's objection basically proves your point, there's still hope for your despair!"
Nozomu considered this. "While under normal circumstances I would agree with you, Kafuka-san, something about the way you phrased that disturbs me deeply. Therefore, I think it would be better if I just let it go. In any case, I feel like I've forgotten something important that I was supposed to mention, but it has completely slipped my mind by this point."
It was at this point that somebody poked their head into the classroom, and asked timidly: "Can I come in yet?"
"Not yet, not yet, I'm still trying to remember something. Let's see, something new that I only just found out about this morning, what could it be, a new movie? a new car? a new student? ...ah, that seems to ring a bell. Yes, I suppose you had better come in, then. Class, this is our new student, Maria."
"She was tall and slender, with long, strikingly jet-black hair, and brilliantly emerald-colored orbs. She carried herself like a person who was clearly accustomed to being the best at everything she did, and used to getting whatever she wanted. However, a single look into her eyes would be enough to tell you that she had a mysterious, tragickal past, the sort of past which would almost certainly be revealed in it's entirety by chapter three or so. As she walked, her--"
"Ah, Maria?" Nozomu interrupted. "The third-person description is really not necessary, since we can all see you clearly."
(Tragickal isn't even a word at all! What the hell is wrong with you? --Meru)
"What was that about being the best at everything?" asked Chiri, with more that a little irritation.
"It's all right, Chiri-chan! She can't possibly be the best at everything, since we have Zetsurin here now!" Fuura pointed out, with all the cheerfulness of one who doesn't realize that they've just accidentally made a dirty joke.
Rin Itoshiki muttered something darkly under her breath. It probably involved swords.
"Sorry, sorry!" the new girl apologized. "Talking about myself like that is just a bad habit of mine, I'll try not to let it happen again, I swear, and by the way I'm so excited to be in this class, it's like a dream come true!"
"Such a positive attitude!" exclaimed Nozomu. "Well, we can work on that later. For now, please take Komori's seat over there, I doubt she'll be needing it."
"Maria sat down, visibly making an effort not to describe herself as--oh, right, sorry."
"Yay, another Maria!" Taro 'Maria' Sekiutsu said adorably.
"Having two characters named Maria will confuse the readers, sensei!" Usui objected, forgetting his earlier objection.
"That's a valid point, whoever just said that. New Maria, do you have a middle name?"
"Well, it's Susannah, but that's a bit long for everybody to call me by. I know! Everybody, please call me Maria Sue!"
PART II: AN UNEXPECTEDLY DETAILED SETTING
Abiru Kobushi was in hell.
In front of her was a deep pit. If she looked down into it, at the very bottom, there were grizzly bears. She moved on.
Next was a tank filled with jellyfish. She paused for a moment, admiring the pulsating colors, but moved on quickly.
Next was a shallow pond, with lilypads. On a few of the lilypads there sat toads. Abiru moved on again.
Some sort of ant farm. Next.
Guinea pigs. Next.
A jungle setting. If she strained her eyes, Abiru could see a gorilla through the trees. Next.
A tub of salmon roe. Next.
A coin of some sort, with a face stamped on it. When Abiru flipped it over, there was a face on the other side too. Next.
This pen held Zetsubou-sensei. When he saw her, he began to yell: "Kobushi-san, thank God! I was beginning to think I'd be stuck here forever! I need you to--" Abiru moved on. There were more important things to worry about.
The next cage held a painting of a group of dogs, playing poker. Why was it in a cage? she wondered briefly. Never mind, move on.
This exhibit was some sort of open field, with an avocado tree growing in it. She waited for a few minutes for any sign of life, but nothing moved save for the swaying branches of the tree. She checked the placard next to the exhibit: "AVOCADOES". With a sigh, she moved on, her fingers twitching a bit.
This exhibit was a cage filled with cats. Abiru felt a thrill of excitement... until she glanced at the sign on the exhibit: "MANX CATS". She moved on, trembling slightly. This was too much.
Jun Kudo was in the next cage, but he couldn't think of a single story to tell. Abiru kept walking; after all, what good was he without a tale?
The next exhibit held crabs. No.
A single basket, filled with eggs. No. (And also ill-advised.)
Paramecia. No!
Desperate times called for desperate measures. She reached for her own ponytails, but ended up grabbing only air. With mounting horror, she ran back to the nearest aquatic exhibit, to check her reflection, and her worst fears were confirmed. Her own ponytails had been cut off!
There was not a single tail in this entire zoo.
Abiru woke up in a cold sweat. Reflexively, she reached for her own pigtails, before remembering that she had lost them the previous day. Somehow, somebody had cut off her pigtails, and through a mysterious series of events both her hair and the scissors used to cut it had ended up is the hands of Mayo Mitama. Whoever had done it had obviously tried to frame Mayo, just because she looked like a likely culprit. To think that somebody could be that cruel to poor Mayo!
But, oh well. It looked like nobody had noticed her napping in class, at least, and she could probably make it through the day without thinking about tails any more than she had to.
"...which dovetails into what I was saying about the retail price of coattails," Mr. Itoshiki continued.
"Sensei, you should curtail that train of thought!" interrupted Chiri. "Do you realize what it would entail to go into that level of detail? The fact that half the class is asleep is a telltale sign that this lecture has gone into a tailspin!"
Abiru stood up, grabbed her books, and hightailed it out of there.
"That's strange," mused Nozomu, "you'd think that she of all people would have been interested in this." He turned around to examine his new tail more carefully. It was about three feet long, and furry, with a tuft on the end like a lion's tail.
"Sensei!" Fuura exclaimed. "Could it be that you're undergoing some sort of Metamorphosis?" There was a dangerously cheerful gleam in her eyes.
"I suppose that something like that is possible," allowed Nozomu, who had apparently never read the book. Fuura threw an apple at his head; it bounced off, and was snatched out of midair by Maria.
"Kafuka-san, could you please explain why I'm being pelted with fruit all of a sudden? (Though perhaps I should consider myself lucky that it isn't rotten fruit, at least.)"
Fuura, it turned out, could explain. "An apple a day keeps the doctor away!"
("Japan is truly a land of abundance!" said Maria, admiring her new, slightly dented apple.)
"Well, while that's certainly true, I think that in this situation a doctor is probably exactly what I need. Certainly, I don't believe it's natural for people to simply sprout tails like this--"
"Indeed it is not!" interrupted Mikoto Itoshiki.
"Dr. Death!" exclaimed Fuura happily. A moment later, her face went pale: "The apple backfired!"
"You were too naive!" shouted Mikoto. "The saying calls for 'an apple a day', and as far as I can see here, you only have one apple. However, by my reckoning, Nozomu has been alive for well over ten thousand days! Also, based on these unexpectedly detailed medical records I happen to have, he's only eaten eight hundred and twelve apples over the course of his life. It was foolish of you to think that I could be kept away by such a puny barrage of fruit!"
"Say, Mikoto, since you happen to be here for some poorly explained yet supremely convenient reason, do you think you could have a look at this tail for me?" Nozomu turned and pointed to the unwanted appendage in question.
Mikoto eyed his brother coldly. "Do I look like a veterinarian to you?"
Nozomu was speechless. "...!"
"Well," Mikoto continued, "I suppose that since we're family, I can do that much for you, at least."
However, at the last second, Matoi intervened.
"Sensei! As your lover, I object to you being treated by somebody named Dr. Death!"
Mikoto was crushed (figuratively). "Ah, cruel fate! This accursed name has kept me from yet another patient!"
"N-no, Tsunetsuki-san, it's completely all right; since he's my brother, I'm sure he means no harm," Nozomu reassured. Matoi seemed slightly mollified.
Mikoto backed up a few sentences. "...'Lover'? Well, what you do with your life is your decision, Nozomu, and I won't judge you..."
"Wait, wait, don't get the wrong idea, it's not--" But it was far too late; Nozomu could practically see the wrong ideas taking root in his brother's head.
An apple sailed through the classroom window and hit Mikoto squarely on the head, knocking out some of the more risque ideas, and saving me from having to actually describe them.
"Don't worry, sensei! I'll save you!" shouted Fuura, who had somehow gotten outside without anybody noticing. She was standing on top of a large bundle, held up by some sort of machine.
"Kafuka-san? What are you doing outside? And what are you standing on?" asked Nozomu. "Wait, are those..."
"Apples!" confirmed Fuura.
"So many!" exclaimed Chiri. "There must be... over nine thousand of them! Wait, since when am I the token sideline character," she added petulantly.
Fuura threw another apple at Mikoto, but he had somehow disappeared. A moment later, a giant doctor-shaped robot appeared on the horizon. It was at least ten stories tall, and armed with a scalpel, a syringe, and various other medical paraphernalia.
"Foolish girl!" Mikoto crowed from somewhere inside the Medi-Mecha. "Did you think you could defeat me without my using at least one meaningless power-up?" He swung the scalpel at Fuura, but was blocked by a giant robotic arm.
"Well, this is certainly an unexpected turn of events!" said Fuura. "However, for Zetsubou-sensei's sake, I've come prepared for anything!" The giant pile of apples shifted, revealing a giant apple-shaped mecha. It had disproportionately small arms and legs ("Why doesn't it fall down?" asked Nami), and its left arm was some sort of cannon.
Mikoto laughed. "What can you do with that puny mecha?! I'll show you the determination of the medical profession!" He stabbed at her with his giant syringe. "Immunization Strike!"
"Delicious Caramel Coating!" countered Fuura. The apple mecha was suddenly coated by a sweetly impervious caramel shell, and the syringe bounced off.
Mikoto was surprised, but recovered quickly. "Well, you may be able to block my syringe, but you'll never be able to block this! Infinite Chain Scalpel!!" The blade on his scalpel began spinning, as he swung it toward Fuura's mecha.
Fuura went on the offensive. "Super-Awesome Apple Seed Cannon!" The apple mecha's cannon began firing apple seeds at an astonishing rate, nearly knocking Mikoto over.
Mikoto, surprised, decided to go all out. "You'll never defeat my ultimate attack! Absolute Zero Stethoscope Ice Beam!!" His stethoscope began charging and, a moment later, fired a beam of pure cold. Fuura's mecha's leg was caught in the beam, and it froze solid, broke off, and fell on the school.
Fuura smiled. "Dr. Death! You may think you've won, but you've actually just sealed your fate!"
"And how's that?" asked Mikoto with a smirk.
"Now that you've damaged my mecha, I can use my ultimate attack!"
"Wait, you don't mean..."
Fuura did. "Incredible Giant Apple-Scented Malpractice Lawsuit!" A giant stack of legal-size paper fell from the sky, and landed squarely on Mikoto's head. Mikoto was crushed (literally this time).
Fuura jumped out of her mecha and landed in the classroom. "Good news, sensei! I stopped the evil Dr. Death!"
"W-well," stammered Nozomu, "he wasn't always the nicest guy, but isn't evil a bit of an exaggeration?"
"Also," said Fuura, ignoring him completely, "it looks like your tail has disappeared, so everything is back to normal!"
Nozomu looked behind himself in surprise. "Well, well, I suppose it has! It must have been pinned under that ridiculously huge icy leg that fell on the school, and frozen off."
Maria, who had snuck outside, began collecting the apples. "A land of abundance, abundance, abundance!" she sang happily.
Chie-sensei looked into the classroom. "Would somebody care to explain to me why..." she began, but as she looked around the classroom, with the frozen tail, missing students, random piles of apples, and a giant mecha leg lying across the floor, she realized that she couldn't decide what she wanted explained first. "...never mind." She left.
"By the way, New Maria, what's your last name?" asked Fuura.
"Old Maria is younger than New Maria," sang Maria, as she wandered by.
"Um, call me Maria Sue, please, it's much less confusing that way. And, it's Ackroyd." replied Maria Sue.
Fuura's eyes lit up, but she refused to explain why.
PART III: UNTITLED
Hello, my name is Fuura Kafuka! Well, actually, that's only a pen name. I could tell you my real name, but then I'd have to kill you, hehe! I'm one of the students in class 2-H, which is Zetsubou-sensei's class. Zetsubou-sensei is a very strange teacher, but we all love him anyway. For some reason, he keeps telling us that he's in despair, but I don't believe that. How could somebody ever feel despair in this wonderful world we live in? I think that he is secretly very hopeful, especially since he keeps trying to make himself taller.
Today, our class got a new student! Her name is Maria Sue, but I think that that's too hard to remember so I call her New Maria instead. She seems to really like our sensei; no wonder she's in this class! Could this be sensei's fated True Love? Some of the other girls seem upset about the new student. Chiri-chan gets upset about a lot of things, though, so that's probably all right.
After sensei grew (and then lost) a tail for some reason today, New Maria made a surprising declaration: she said that she would do anything for sensei! Everyone was very impressed, especially when sensei asked if she would make him lunch, and she pulled out a perfectly made bento box. After eating his lunch, sensei asked her for a pony, and she brought that too! (We had to get rid of it when it started eating Kaere-chan's skirt, though. Some of the boys didn't want to make it stop - they must really like ponies!)
But then after that, Matoi-chan asked her if she would die for sensei, and she started crying! Apparently all of New Maria's friends and family had joined a suicide cult when she was younger, but didn't invite her, and by the time she found out it was too late. It must be terrible to be left out like that! I tried to cheer her up by telling her about my family, and she stopped crying at least. After that the rest of the class kind of looked at me funny, though. I don't really understand why, but oh well.
Just then, though, Meru-chan sent her a text message, and she started crying again. I think sensei felt sorry for her, because he decided that she could have the rest of the day off, and he asked Chiri-chan to bring New Maria to Chie-sensei. At the last minute he changed his mind, though, and asked Nami-chan to go instead. I think he noticed Chiri-chan carrying her knives; she should pack those away more carefully, or something bad might happen! Nami-chan took New Maria, and that was that.
About an hour later, though, sensei suddenly noticed that Nami-chan hadn't come back yet. He decided that instead of his lecture on something or other, we should go out and look for Nami-chan. It was like a scavenger hunt! We split up and searched the whole school top to bottom, but we couldn't find Nami-chan. Also, when we got back to the classroom, we found New Maria hanging from the ceiling. It looked like she had borrowed one of sensei's nooses that he keeps in his desk, and had fallen asleep trying to make herself taller. What a silly goose she was! She should have known better than to take something that belonged to somebody else.
But, there was a mystery remaining! New Maria was too short for the noose, so somebody must have helped her get into it while we were searching. But who could it be? Everybody was very confused until Matoi, with her super-sharp senses, noticed something strange. New Maria smelled like apples! Given the events so far in the day, it was pretty easy for everyone to figure out that the one who helped New Maria into the noose was...
"...you, Fuura-chan?" asked Maria Sue, cautiously.
Fuura nodded happily. "Mm-hmm! I bet you didn't expect that ending! After Harumi-chan was talking about fanfiction this morning, I felt inspired to write something about this class too! So, how did you like my 'fic'?"
Maria Sue chose her words very carefully. "I thought it was very... interesting, the way you worked in the events that happened today. Makes the story seem very... realistic."
"Almost as though it could actually happen, right?" prompted Fuura. Maria Sue paled visibly.
"Almost like that, except it can't possibly happen exactly like that because I've just discovered that I actually need to transfer to another school right now!" shouted Maria Sue as she fled.
"What a strange reaction! I've never heard of somebody transferring in the middle of the day," exclaimed Fuura. "Ah, and it looks like I've found Nami-chan as well. You did great, Nami-chan!"
"Th-thanks, Fuura," said Nami meekly. "Um, we should go meet up with the rest of the class now, right?"
"Of course! We wouldn't want to have to miss the rest of sensei's lecture!" said Fuura. She hummed a cheerful song as they walked, and on her face sat a contented smile. Today had been a good day after all.
FIN