How to Exorcise your Digidestined
It was a dark and stormy night…no wait, scratch that. It was a sunny, clear, slightly muggy Tuesday afternoon. Not too much out of the ordinary was going on in the city of Odaiba. You know, the occasional monster running rampant, but nothing too dramatic. It was on this Tuesday that something happened that would change the lives of two authors, a couple random Digidestined, and a hoard of bishounen minions.
It started while Cody, the eight-year-old who remarkably resembles one of those little Lego figurines, was at home. He and Armadillomon, that Hoover vacuum cleaner of a digimon companion were sitting on the couch, watching cartoons and eating a bowl of cereal. No, not Lucky Captain Count Phantomon's Sweetened Artificial Chocolate Frosted Sugah Bombz Crunch™! With tasty marshmallows of Blue Bakemons, Yellow Shadow Scythes and Red Wizardmons! Part of this complete breakfast! Now of course, with a fanfic title such as "How to Exorcise your Digidestined," you children already know what's going to happen, right? Well you freaking better!
Anyway, so Cody and Armadillomon are eating cereal and watching cartoons on the couch. Mrs. Hida, who's definitely poorly drawn…I mean, look at her compared to Nancy, the Petrafina-voiced mother of the Ishida (Takaishi) two. I'm digressing again…damn. Mrs. Hida was out grocery shopping or something mother-ish, and Cody's senile grandfather was off teaching some diluted student the ways of being a karate kid. (Wax on, wax off. Very good, Young Grasshopper.) Just how is Cody going to be possessed, you ask? And by whom? I have no idea. Let's turn the fanfic over to somebody who does have a clue…. like the Infamous Boss Reo, my usual partner-in-crime.
~*~
WHAT?! You mean I ALREADY gotta start my part? Jeez… ::grumbles some inaudible curses and tosses away a cigarette:: y'know, I figured at least SHE'D have an idea of who was gonna possess the little Spock-kid… sheesh…
*Ahem*
Well, since our little Linda Blair candidate was home alone with his pineapple with eyes, he decided it was in his best interest to veg out and watch the glorious, anime-filled channels that so inhabit the country of Japan. Not like here in America, where all we have is some ditzy flake who kills vampires, and groups of idiots who go on television to make asses of themselves just so they can get some measly amount of cash that wont even last them a year.
Sir? You're over-reacting again.
::grumble:: Okay, okay… And get me a French Vanilla coffee!
Yes Sir!
ANYWAY… while he was busy doing…. Something…. His dear Grand Pappy was holding his training session with a student. Why should you care? Ah, because you see… it was a very MYSTERIOUS student! Oooh…..
~*~
Okay, okay, don't have a s***fit Reo, I'm writing, I'm writing. We've established that the Lego boy and his pet pineapple are watching anime on the couch and the child is home alone. And the Mr. Miyagi clone is off training someone MYSTERIOUS. Cody was just about to indulge in watching himself on television (watching himself watching television on television) when the screen went black. Expecting the little "we are experiencing technical difficulties, please stand by" sign to pop up, Cody decided to change channels.
"Damn television station. I bet Matt and T.K.'s dad got drunk and passed out on the controls again."
Instead of the technical difficulties sign, the image of Bob Buchholz in a gold turban appeared. He fumbled around for a minute.
"Ow! S***, I can't find the pocket watch! Louise, what the hell am I suppose to use now? Huh?"
Somebody handed Buchholz a Jigglypuff keychain.
"I know you are watching this, fecking author. We made this tape before the season ended, fecking author, because we knew you'd kill us off, fecking author. So what am I doing, fecking author? Oh, not much, just infesting your damned female soul with the spirit of Jeff Nimoy! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Now, watch the Jigglypuff and become its slave!"
"Cody, Ah don't think you should be watching this," Armadillomon drawled.
"Hold on, I'm just going to see what'll happen. My guess is that it's all a big hoax and Jeff Nimoy won't possess…ooh, the Jigglypuff. Must watch."
And with that, a glowing light shot out of the television and into the raspy (and Mimi)-voiced eight-year-old.
Meanwhile, halfway across town, Lia was watching the same thing.
"Hey Wizardmon, Bob Buchholz is swinging a Jigglypuff keychain and trying to possess me with Nimoy's ghost!" she yelled, her mint chip ice cream starting to melt in its little glass bowl.
"Then change the channel, b****!"
"Oh wait, it's over. The show's back on. How lame was that? Nothing even happened. Oh, goddamn, not this episode again!"
~*~
Meanwhile, on the other side of town…
"…What the?!" The Infamous raised an eyebrow, "I switch it to FOX to watch the New Transformers and get THIS?!"
Wallace momentarily raised his head from Reo's lap, "Don't get upset over it, sir," he said sweetly, wiping his mouth. "Besides, the show's on now!"
"I'm okay." The author shrugged, then pushed the blonde bishounen's head back down. "Hehe… Convoy-chan kawaii! ^_^"
~*~
"Cody? CODY?!" the digimon panicked, rushing to his partner's side, "Cody! Speak to me!" he pried the young'n out from being indented into the wall and he just fell to the floor.
"Ohh… my head…" the Spock-like child groaned, "Where am I?"
"Don't worry yur purty li'l' head, Cody." The digimon said in a mandatory bad country accent, "You must've watched an episode of Pokémon. There were flashes of lights and stuff and then you starting getting all weird!"
Cody just sat up, staring blankly, "…I'm hungry, Digimon."
"Uhh…. Okay.." Armadillomon looked around.
"I want you to get me something to eat, Digimon. Did you hear me, Digimon?" Armadillomon just nodded slowly.
"Good, Digimon. Now fetch me something to eat, Digimon! I hunger, Digimon!" Armadillomon hurried to the kitchen to find something to eat. "All we have is a can of pea soup!" he called out.
"That'll do, Digimon." Armadillomon paused briefly, but just shrugged it off, running the can opener.
~*~
"Dig through the ditches and burn through the witches and slam in the back of my DRAGULAAAAA!" Daisuke sang as he head-banged to the tunes of Rob Zombie.
Ken rubbed his head for the tenth time, trying not to get a migraine from the loud music. "You let him go on Napster just ONCE…." he grumbled. Finally, their subway car pulled to a stop and the former Kaizer rushed outside, dragging the now Heavy Metal-loving, spiky-haired bishounen behind him as fellow subway patrons just stared at him. Of course, considering how sexy he was, that wasn't really too strange, but anyway…
Finally, after about three more Rob Zombie songs and a CD-breaking later, the two of them stood at the entrance of Cody's apartment.
"Why can't we just go back home and make out?" Davis whined.
"Because I need some time for my *censored* to heal a little." Ken answered, knocking on Cody's apartment door. "Besides, you promised him we'd take him out for lunch!"
"I didn't actually MEAN it!" his brown-haired love whined again.
"You own a noodle-cart company! How can you be so cheap?!" Ken asked.
"…Well, I don't have the noodle-cart JUST yet…" the former Kaizer rolled his eyes as he knocked on the door yet again. There was a pause.
No, still pausing.
Nope.
Okay! Suddenly, a loud clattering was heard coming from inside the apartment, followed by glass shattering. Ken and Davis just looked at each other, then back at the door. Finally, a faint scratching was heard behind the door, and both Digidestined were surprised to find Armadillomon there instead of Cody.
"Yes?" the digimon asked as politely as possible, minus the black eye and scratches on his face.
~*~
Elsewhere, away from this mayhem, Matt was off at a local Blockbusters renting movies to watch with one adorable little brunette author that evening. Of course, it wasn't helping that that scary video game coach guy with the sweatband, the mullet, and the beer belly was following him.
"Hey, you know you can rent video games at Blockbusters and keep them for a whole week?!" the portly game guy said, catching our boy off guard. Matt screamed and ran for the counter, grabbing three movies, tossing them to the clerk and slamming down a couple of bucks.
It wasn't until he was safely locked inside his car did he realize what movies he had selected.
"Let's see…anime porn, violent war movie, and the Exorcist. Perfect."
Maybe I should just send Sora on that one. Heheh *sweatdrop*.
~*~
"Jeez, Armadillomon, it looks like you were run down by a backhoe. What happened? Davis asked, trying to poke Armadillomon's black eye.
"Ah don't know. Cody just kinda snapped an' threw me against a wall. Guess ah underestimated the little fella."
"Riiiiight," Ken sighed. "Is Cody even around? We're supposed to take him out to lunch."
"Uh, hang on."
Armadillomon disappeared into the apartment and reappeared moments later with several brand new scratches…and some bite marks on his cranium.
"I told you, digimon, not to interrupt me while I'm working, digimon! What did you want, digimon?"
Cody came to the door, wearing his usual purple turtleneck and stretchy cotton pants, but Davis detected a bit of (dundundunnnnnnn) hair gel in it.
"Cody, are you feeling okay?" the big-haired bishounen asked.
Cody's head spun around several times before he answered, "Of course, Davis."
"All righty! Then let's get to lunch!"
Ken stood there for a couple of seconds in open-mouthed shock. "But…his head…that's…how…I…did you see that?!"
But Davis and Cody were already halfway to the elevator.
Ken sighed in defeat. "It's going to be one of those fanfics, I know it now."
~*~
"Lia! Get the phone!"
"Why do I always have to get the phone?"
"BECAUSE IT'S RINGING!"
The bishoujo author grumbled, getting up from her anime. "Damn siblings. Kill them all. Agianna residence. Whaddya want?"
"We're coming for you, author. You can't escape us, author. You and your subordinates will die, author."
"Thank you, but we're not interested." And with that she hung up the phone.
Nicole, evil younger sister of mine, came into the so-called media room with a bowl of Ramen noodles.
"Who was that?"
Lia shrugged. "Telemarketer. Now GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY! You're blocking the anime."
~*~
"Bread?" the waiter asked. Both Ken and Davis just stared at Cody as he began to speak in tongues and twitch violently.
"…I told you that watching P***-mon would do that to you," Daisuke whispered to his boyfriend, pointing out Iori. Ken just shook his head and began to rub his forehead.
"I'm gonna go to the bathroom," the former Kaizer said.
"Want me to come?" Davis asked quickly.
"I don't need to go for THAT." Ken frowned, "Just eat your ramen. I'll be right back." Davis just shrugged and looked back at Cody, who now had two breadsticks in his mouth, resembling tusks.
"I WILL DESTROY YOU ALL WITH MY GUNDAM!" the small child suddenly shouted with a voice that was not his, "I WILL PROTECT THE FEDERATION!!!!"
"Uh… so how many models do you have?" Davis asked, eating his big pot of ramen that was set before him.
"…12." Cody answered simply, and the salt and peppershakers in front of him began to levitate.
Ken, meanwhile, anxiously waited as he held the phone to his ear, glancing at his watch as the line rang.
"FOR GOD'S SAKE! AMAMNDA IS STILL NOT HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE DOESN'T HAVE A SPOUSE AND I'M SICK OF YOU CALLING FOR HER!!!! AT LEAST WAIT A WHOLE DAY BEFORE CALLING NEXT TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" came a blast of Reo's voice through the earpiece.
Ken had to extend the phone away from his head as his hair blew back.
"Um… B…..Boss?" he said meekly.
"…What? Oh! Ken! Sorry about that. Thought you were the bank again."
Ken's eyebrow twitched a little and his clothes were ruffled, as was his hair.
"How can I help you?" The author asked in a cheerful manner.
"Well.. I think something might be wrong with Cody."
"Are you sure?"
At that moment, loud screaming was heard, and Ken could see many restaurant patrons running for their lives as Cody began chasing them with a giant cross that had a ton of guns on it.
"Don't run away! Don't run!" the possessed child yelled as he chased after them.
"…I'm pretty sure," Ken answered into the phone.
"Hmmm…. Well, tell you what, meet me at the little shota-fodder's house and I'll see what I can do."
"Thanks!" Ken sighed, and promptly hung up the phone as Cody started screaming "SUPER SHOCKER!!!" and going after people with a cattle prod.
~*~
"Alright! Enough of that!" Reo said, moving Wallace from off of him.
"What's wrong?" the sexy b****-in-heat asked as he wiped the side of his mouth again. "Ken says something's wrong with Cody. Get Lia on the horn and tell her to meet us over at Cody's," the author instructed as his other minion, Kaworu Nagisa (From Neon Genesis Evangelion), fitted his black coat on him.
"And get Eriol to come with us! Li, Kaworu, you're coming as well," he continued as he walked through his elaborate manor, walking past his bar.
~*~
"LIA! FOR THE LOVE OF MAGE CLEF GET THE FRIGGIN' PHONE!"
Lia fell off the couch in the media room, having fallen asleep watching Dragonball Z.
Fortunately, her younger siblings were outside getting fresh air and being in the sunlight (something I don't naturally do), so they missed hearing Wizardmon hollering from his pole in the closet.
"The phone isn't…"
"YOUR CELL PHONE B****! GET YOUR CELL PHONE!"
And with that, Lia made a run for the front hall, where her cell phone was sitting in its charger. Being the naturally graceful girl she is, she managed to trip over her sisters' formerly white tennis shoes, slide across the wooden floor, and slam into the wall, the fridge, and the potting bench where her cell phone was.
"Lia here," she panted, making it to the phone just before the voice mail message kicked in.
"Hi there!" Wallace said with his usual adorable Quatre Raberba Winner cheer.
"This better be good."
"Reo wants you over Cody's house right away! Ken said something's wrong with him!"
Lia sighed, rummaging through the fridge for something to drink.
"Something's always wrong with Cody. Why don't you call me back when something worth causing me to smack my head against the wall pops up?"
"Reo's bringing the bishies…and alcohol."
"Wallace, I'm not even sixteen and if I don't like soda what makes you think I'm going to like al…did you say bishies?"
"Yup. Just head over to Cody's."
"Kay."
She turned off her phone, stood there with the fridge wide open for a moment, and stared at the piece of electronic equipment in her hand.
"Wait, did I just get suckered into another misadventure?"
~*~
Meanwhile, at the local pub…I mean, the Ishida apartment, Gabumon had gotten high on a crate of Pixy Sticks and was running around like the psychotic horn dog lizard thing he is. His latest endeavor involved a tin of chocolate chip oatmeal cookies as prepared by one bishoujo with killer flip-flops, a carton of ice cream, a cherry red bass guitar, an amplifier, and a moody bishounen. He snuck into Matt's room while our would-be hero was fooling around with his instrument (I MEAN HIS GUITAR, YOU PERVS!!) and secretly turned his owner's amp up full blast. Matt strummed down hard on a chord and nearly blew out the windows in the house and the rest of the building.
"GABUMON!!! GET THE HELL OUT!"
Gabumon giggled like a Catholic schoolgirl and skipped off to cause more mayhem.
After wiping the blood off the side of his face (from causing his eardrums to explode) our now deaf bishy discovered his phone was vibrating.
"Yeah, what?"
"Hello to you too," Lia snapped. "Reo wants me over Cody's place, says something's wrong with the midget. You're coming or I suddenly come down with the flu before our date tonight."
Matt was already halfway out the door. "Going to save the world! Don't wait up!"
Gabumon grinned wickedly. "Now all your ice cream are belong to me. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
~*~
Back at the restaurant, Davis and Ken were hiding behind an overturned table as Cody's psychotic rampage continued.
"You know Ken, all this carnage really turns me on," Davis said.
"Dai-chan, duck!"
Davis hit the ground, scrunching up and bracing for impact.
"No, not duck, duck!"
A large, orange-glazed, braised water foul came flying through the air at mach two, slamming against the table and creating a very large dent.
"I WILL DESTROY THE NEGAVERSE AND SAVE TUXEDO MASK! AND YOU CANNOT STOP ME, QUEEN BERYL!" Cody shouted as something behind him burned.
Ken whipped out his cell phone again. "This is getting bad. I don't think we'll be able to get out of here. I think Reo's going to have to send the help he…wait, did you say this was turning you on?"
Oh, the mayhem. The horror. The Cody.
~*~
The Cody indeed! As it turned out, Lia and her little boy-toy Matt were already on their way to Cody/TK/Yolei's apartment complex.
"So what's the big emergency, anyway?" Matt asked with a bored statement.
"You think I know?!" Lia snapped.
"Well.. yeah… you're the author," her manwich answered. Lia blinked a few times before making a sharp turn left, smacking the side of Matt's head against the window.
"Say? What's going on over there?" the brunette asked as she pointed out a nearby restaurant, which was smoking.
"Huh? What?" Matt yelled, once again having his ears smashed in. (say, this could be the start of a new running gag :D) Frustrated by how pathetic her boyfriend has been, as of lately, she grabbed his head and turned it towards the mayhem that lay in their view. (of course, turning his head was followed by a light cracking noise. But that's not what's important.)
"What do you think?" Lia asked.
"…I think I snapped my neck…" Matt said, slumping forward.
"No! I mean about that!" Lia barked, slapping Matt upside the head.
"Oh… uh… should we check it out?" the blonde not-so-bishounen asked.
"Well, It IS right near Cody's apartment…" Lia said. At that moment, Linda Blair was seen flying by.
The two just looked at each other and then bolted from their car, hurrying to get past the huge mob of fleeing citizens as they tried to get inside the restaurant.
"IT'S A COOK BOOK! IT'S A COOK BOOK!" one of the frightened patrons screamed, holding a large book under his shoulder. Matt and Lia just sweatdropped and hurried into the restaurant.
It was utter mayhem.
Tables were overturned, curtains were catching fire, and to top it all off… THE SPECIAL OF THE DAY WAS CABBAGE PUFFS!!
"Wow… they must have really not liked the quiche," Lia quipped. Matt tackled her to the ground just as a three-piece candlestick flew above them. The two of them looked up to see a demonic-looking Spock look-alike, hovering in the air.
"…I'm guessing we just found out what was wrong with Cody." Matt said. Lia just nodded.
"Ahhh! At last… we finally meet again, fecking author!" Cody said in an eerily familiar voice as he floated over to the two of them.
"Cody, I know puberty is kinda rough, but this is going too far!" Matt shouted. "What have you done with Ken and Davis?!"
"Matt?" they heard Ken say. He appeared from behind a table, and for some reason he didn't seem to be wearing clothes, either.
"Ken-chan! Dai-chan want more luvy!" Davis was heard saying, and pulled the bishounen back behind the table.
"At last, I shall have my revenge upon the both of you! You, fecking author, for thinking that you could truly destroy my immortal soul, and you, Matthew, for trying to assist her!"
"What the…Matthew?!" Yamato blinked. "Only one person had ever called me that… but he's…." Cody erupted with an evil laugh as his little clawed hands formed fireballs.
"That is correct, Matthew. And now, Matthew, I will finally destroy both you and fecking author! AND I WILL FEAST UPON YOUR SOULS!!!" and with that, hurled the two fireballs at our heroes.
Matt, of course, screamed like a sissy-ass chicken baby, while Lia grabbed him and ran like a bat out of hell.
"Come back here! I didn't want you to move!" Cody barked, and floated after them.
Suddenly, a steel net wrapped itself around him, causing the demon-child to fall on top of a table.
"Quick! Bind him up!" Reo's voice shouted. Cody tried to look up, but was cut off as two bishounen, Shizumaru and Kenji (from Samurai Showdown 3 and Bloody Roar 2, respectively), wrapped him up tighter than a burrito in tablecloths.
~*~
Lia cautiously opened one of the kitchen's swinging double doors.
"Is it safe?"
Li, sitting in one of the only chairs not engulfed in flames, nodded.
"Your unholy demon has been contained, for the moment. But I suggest you run down to the nearest church or Quik-E-Mart and pick up a couple gallons of holy water."
The author and her muse emerged, holding onto a pair of meat cleavers. Well, Matt had a pair of salad tongs as well, but that's circumstantial.
Reo, followed by his usual entourage of bishy minions, surveyed the area.
"Okay, boys and girls, who wants to explain what the hell happened here, and why I'm wasting my time with little Leonard Nimoy over there?"
Davis stuck his head out from behind the table, still seemingly sans clothing.
"Cody just went mental and all this stuff went flying around the room!"
Ken sighed, appearing beside Davis. "It started before that, I think."
As our blue-haired bishounen recounted everything, from the maimed armadillo to the head spinning to the flying roast duck, Lia started pacing the floor.
"Lia? What good is pacing doing?" Matt questioned, suspiciously eyeing the squirming bundle of tablecloths.
"Cody called you 'Matthew', and me 'fecking author' and only that goddamned Nimoy called us that. But I killed him! I saw him die! His head was completely severed from his body, both of which promptly exploded afterwards."
"You think Cody was possessed?"
Suddenly the bundle of tablecloths started shaking violently, and an upheaval of pea soup erupted.
"Judging from that, yes," the bishoujo author sighed.
Eriol put out another chair-fire and strolled over to his boss, who was keeping a close eye on the bundle of satanic eight-year-old.
"Should we have Duo come down here with the exorcism kit, Sir?"
Before our scythe-wielding co-author could answer, the wad of soup drenched linens burst open, and Cody sprang free, glowing more than Kari ever could.
"S***, he's out!" the Infamous One cursed, as little Iori's head spun again.
"YOU WILL ALL DIEEEEEEEEE!"
"I'm going to have to agree with him," Lia said, sweatdropping.
"HIT THE DECK!" Matt hollered, being the bishounen he is and once again tackling his easily bruised girlfriend.
"Ow! Jeez, you didn't have to pin me to the floor!" Lia moaned.
Flames engulfed the restaurant in a burning glory of Cody.
Lia sweatdropped. "Ookay, maybe you did."
"YES! YOU WILL ALL DIEEEEEEEE! THEN I WILL BE THE RULER OF EVERYTHING DIGIMON RELATED! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
*WHAP*
The possessed child once again fell to the floor as the back of Reo's fist met with the little Vulcan's face.
"I am NOT in the mood for this!" he steamed. "I just wanted to enjoy a nice Saturday filled with transforming cars, fighting robots, bishounen cartoons, and a nice *CENSORED* from Wallace!!!!!" Lia and Matt just stared at him, wide-eyed.
"IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!" Kaworu came up and held his arm around him, talking gently to him as he calmed him down. Meanwhile, Li and Eriol both began tying Cody up in steel mesh rope.
"So what do we do with him?" Ken asked.
"Well, I guess we can't just leave him like he is…" Matt said. "Not in one piece, anyway…" Lia elbowed her boyfriend in the gut.
"There's only one thing we CAN do," she declared.
"Right." Reo said, "Let's have sex. C'mon Wallace, Eriol." And he took the two to the back room.
"Not THAT, Reo!" Lia said. "We've got to perform…AN EXORCISM!"
"Sex would have been fine." Matt quipped, being elbowed again by Lia.
~*~
A quick scene-change later, the gang was back at Cody's apartment. The little demonized demon-child himself was tied to his own bed as he made little hisses and growls.
"This reminds me of Li-kun…" Eriol sighed happily, looking at Li with a dreamy face. Everyone else just stared at the two, while Li blushed heavily.
"…WHAT?!"
Soon, Reo and Li returned to the apartment, Duo alongside them, holding his exorcism kit as the two authors arrived clad in priest outfits.
"Are you sure this is gonna work?" Lia asked.
"Of course! I do s*** like this all the time. Right Duo?" the Infamous one asked, while his bishounen minion nodded.
"Alright then…" Lia said, taking a deep breath.
"Right." Reo said, cracking his neck, "Let's get this b*** in heat started!"
"…Let's rock." Lia smirked.
~*~
"They better know what they're doing. This isn't an episode of 'Buffy' for God's sake," Davis sighed.
"Reo's an experienced…um…well, he's experienced. As for Lia, she's one hell of an actress. What she doesn't know, she'll make up," Matt replied, blushing.
"That's what we're afraid of."
Duo stared at the manual in his trusty exorcism kit. "Hey, I can't read this! It's all in Latin…who the hell writes manuals in Latin?"
Lia rolled her eyes. "I'll take it. I've been taking Latin for a couple years now, so I better know something."
Li started shouting and waving his arms around, causing everyone to look up…just in time to see Armadillomon finish off the last of the holy water.
"Armadillomon! You just drank a bottle of holy water sanctioned by the church for exorcisms!" Ken shouted.
"Ah thought it was an import. The bottle did say 'Evian' on it."
Everyone glared at Duo. "What? It was the first thing I could find!"
"So now we're going to perform an exorcism without holy water? Isn't that like suicide?" Eriol questioned.
Duo shrugged. "No worse than making out with Heero."
Cody's head spun a few more times. "Fecking authors! Your foolish attempts will be in vain, fecking authors! My immortal soul will just continue to possess bad anime characters until you all die, fecking authors! Then I, Jeff Nimoy, will rule the world! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Would you shut the hell up and stop squirming? We're trying to perform an exorcism here!" Reo shouted.
Cody responded by upchucking vast quantities of pea soup.
"Gosh, Ah didn't know the li'l fella could do that," Armadillomon stated.
"We're not going to be able to do this properly if he keeps fidgeting like that. Besides, he may wiggle his way out of his bonds," Duo pointed out.
Lia sighed. "Davis, Ken, sit on Cody and if he moves, smack him."
The twosome shrugged and did as they were told, donning ponchos and putting up a couple umbrellas.
"For the pea soup," Davis explained.
"Whatever. Can we just get this damn thing over with?" Reo asked.
"Don't think pinning me down will do anything, fecking authors! The Almighty Nimoy can do anything!"
And with that, a set of kitchen knives went flying into the room, pinning Matt to the wall.
"I'm telling you, we should just kill the kid."
"Yeah, yeah… whatever…" Reo rolled his eyes and reached into his robe.
"What're you doing now?" Armadillomon asked.
"Using one of the most potent of all devices used to exorcise bad anime dubbers," he declared, and pulled out….
…A can of Faygo™. Everyone just looked at the Infamous author like he had just written a Starmon/Revolvermon lemon.
"We're trying to save Cody's soul and all you can do is have a cold one?!" Lia shouted. At that moment, Cody's eyes glowed a bright green and suddenly Eriol's clothes ripped from his body, leaving him completely naked. The bishounen blushed as everyone looked at him, especially Li.
"MWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!! I SHALL CONSUME YOU ALL!!!!!" Cody/Nimoy shouted, "YOUR SOULS WILL BE MINE!!!!!" and he looked at Ken, then upchucked more pea soup onto him.
"……This has been one of those days…" the former Kaizer muttered.
"Wallace! Go fetch more holy water!" Reo barked, and the blonde bishounen hurried out of the room, returning a few minutes later with a bottle of Crystal Geyser. Lia and Reo, in the meantime, were setting up their gear, while everyone else got out of the room.
"O-kay! Here we go, boowies," the Infamous One said, dipping a little holy stick-thingy into the water and flicking it at Cody.
"IT BURNS! IT BUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNSS!!!" he shrieked, Reo said nothing as he pulled out his next object: A Cody x 01 TK doujinshi.
"Lia, I think you better leave me with him alone for a bit," he said. Lia just nodded slowly and backed out of the room, while Reo looked down at Cody and grinned evilly.
~*~
"So…how 'bout them Red Sox?" Armadillomon asked as everyone seated themselves in the living room. The next room erupted with unearthly shrieks and Reo cursing vehemently.
Lia tossed a throw blanket to the shivering Eriol, who snuggled up against Li. Davis fished the remote control out of the couch cushions and started channel surfing…until Matt snatched the remote from his hands.
"Hey!"
"I'm your superior, I get control."
Lia smacked it out of Matt's hands and took up control. "If we're going to play it that way, then I'm older than the both of you, so there."
She flipped past Yu-Gi-Oh on the WB to FOX, where Tamers was supposed to be doing an encore presentation. Instead, it was that same eerie footage of Bob Buchholz in a turban.
"THAT'S IT!" Armadillomon hollered, causing Duo and Willis to fall out of their chairs due to the blast of armadillo-induced hollering.
"What's it?" Ken asked.
"That's what Cody was watching before he got all messed in the head! That's the varmint what done this to mah poor li'l pardner!"
"Turn the volume up," Duo suggested.
"Jeff and I have been working on this for months, fecking author. It's a surefire scheme, fecking author. With you possessed by Jeff, and your muse possessed by me, we can take over fanfic universes across the globe and reign supreme! Now, watch the swinging Jigglypuff, fecking author!"
"Down, now!" Matt hollered, torching the television with his all-encompassing Kaiser Yamato laser heat vision. The TV promptly exploded.
"So that's how they did it," Lia frowned, kicking a chunk of burning remains.
"OW! GODDAMMIT!" Reo hollered.
The author came flying through the door, clutching his hand. "Damn thing bit me! Hard!"
Yup, sure enough, he was bleeding.
Lia got up from her recliner, cracking her knuckles.
"Whoa, whoa, where do you think you're going?" Matt asked.
"You're not going in there, are you?" Duo added.
The bishoujo nodded. "Possessed or not possessed, he can't hit me. And if he does, well God have mercy on his soul."
And with that, she entered the room and locked the door behind her.
"She's in there, all alone, with Mr. Spock? She's one brave b****," Eriol stated.
"That's my brave b****," Matt replied smugly.
~*~
"So…" Cody said with an evil grin. "…We meet again, fecking author."
Lia narrowed her eyes. "You should have stayed dead, Nimoy," she said. "Leave Cody out of this!"
The possessed child's eyes glowed an eerie green. "And why should I?" he asked, his tongue slithering out of his mouth and flicking at the author. Lia swallowed a lump in her throat as she approached the bed.
"Because you're forgetting one thing, Nimoy," she said.
"And what would that be, fecking author?" the boy hissed with an evil grin. The author began to undo her outfit, and dropped it the floor. Aside from that certain distraction, two wings spread out behind her.
"…I'm part of a team," she smirked. A shadow began to appear behind her, and Reo's face could be seen.
"Don't you know, boowie?" he asked, "Don't f*** with writers."
Cody/Nimoy began to growl, and the entire room began to vibrate. Small objects fell to the floor, porcelain kittens smashed to pieces, cracks began to appear on the walls. The temperature of the room seemed to be dropping with every second, and the straps holding Cody's body down suddenly began to snap. Lia wings set into a defensive mode, while Reo's scythe appeared in his hand. The two stood ready for what was about to happen as they fought for Cody's soul.
~*~
Duo glanced at one of those Felix the Cat clocks (the ones with the moving eyeballs) and sighed.
"You think they're going to take much longer?"
Unearthly howls and the profane tongues of both authors were his response. Wallace started whimpering.
"What if something bad happens to them?"
Li shrugged, shuffling a deck of cards. "You in, Ishida, or you too cheap for a game?"
"I'll play next hand," Matt replied, warily eyeing the bedroom door.
~*~
Lia glared at the possessed child with a venomous look.
"You're going to let Cody go now, Nimoy, because you don't want to face the consequences. Trust me, they aren't pretty."
Cody/Nimoy's lips curled back in a foaming snarl. "You will die, fecking author, believe me, you will die!"
"Persistent, isn't he?" Reo commented.
"Yes, but I'm laying all the cards on the table. You want me so much, Nimoy, go ahead. I dare you. Possess me, infest my body with your fetid soul, see if I give a damn. Just let the little kid go. He's really not worth it in the long run."
The possessed child's glowing eyes narrowed in contemplation.
"You're willing to sacrifice your soul in order to save this mewling, pathetic runt?"
"To shut you up, yes," she retorted.
Nimoy's spirit leapt from its host like a bat out of hell, making a beeline for its next potential victim. Reo gave Lia a hard shove, sending her sprawling to the ground just as the spirit lunged. After five minutes of untangling herself from a mass of feathers, the brunette author found she had not been possessed by the evil Nimoy.
"But then where…oh s***."
Reo threw his head back and let out a standard obligatory evil villain laugh.
"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *cough, cough, hack* HAHAHAHAHA!"
~*~
"Ah say we go in thar!" Armadillomon shouted.
"Reo said not to…I fold," Li sighed.
"I'm sure in a few minutes they'll come out and everything will be all right," Eriol stated calmly, raking in the pile of shirts, socks and whatnot.
"We should order a pizza or Chinese or something while we're here. I mean, we never even got lunch because Cody had to burn down the restaurant!" Davis whined.
Ken shook his head in mild annoyance.
A bloodcurdling shriek broke the momentary lapse in conversation.
"Um…you were saying about everything being all right?" Ken asked.
"You know, I could've sworn that sounded a lot like a girl screaming in mortal terror, but I could be wrong," Kaworu mentioned.
Matt turned ashen, looking very much like he was about to heave pea soup himself.
"Well, it gets you out of a date, doesn't it?" Duo asked casually.
Another scream, followed by a period of silence.
Matt leapt off the armchair and started pounding on the locked door. "Nimoy, I'm going to kill you, you bastard! Don't you touch her!"
The others stared at him. "This just gets more and more entertaining."
Everyone's eyes suddenly bugged as a huge scythe blade plunged through the door, nearly missing Matt's head. The blonde bishounen gulped as the blade chopped up more and more of the door, and soon what looked like Reo's head poked out, only he had two white stripes on the sides of his head, and his usual face markings were reversed.
"R…Reo-sama?" Wallace whimpered. The now-possessed author cracked an evil grin, bearing a row of sharp teeth.
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE'S JOHNNY!" he cackled, and began to chop and hack at the door.
"Reo?! What're you doing?!" Matt asked, getting away as the scythe blade sent pieces of wood everywhere. The dark-author stepped out, holding a semi-unconscious Lia with him.
"No way…" Davis gasped, "Nimoy took over Reo!" The author's eyes glowed an eerie red.
"Yes I have, Davis…" he hissed in a ghostly tone, "…And now with his abilities, I have even more power to my control!" The bruised Lia opened her eyes slightly, looking at Matt and the others.
"Get out of here…" she said weakly. Matt tired to run for her, but was blocked by the blade of the corrupted Lemon Scythe.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you, Matthew…" he smiled, "You wouldn't want to get hurt, now would you, Matthew? I thought not Matthew."
Yamato growled as he stepped back. "What are you planning to do?" he asked.
Reo/Nimoy smiled an evil grin and tightened his grip on Lia's collar.
"You wouldn't believe the immense fantasies Reo has had…" he chuckled, "…He even had something planned for you two… the plans he had for everyone else…"
"What are you talking about?" Wallace asked. Li stepped in front of him protectively.
"He is no better than me, Wallace…" Nimoy said. "…If you truly knew what his mind was like, would you still love him?" the blade of his scythe lowered next to Lia, "…If you knew truly what he desired…" he glanced down at Lia, "…wouldn't you still love him then?"
Matt's eyes narrowed. "You're trying to play with our minds," he growled.
Nimoy just laughed, "Do you really think so?"
Lia, meanwhile, spied the can of Faygo root beer from earlier as it peeked from one of Reo's coat pockets. Slowly, her hand crept to it.
Wallace started crying now, Duo putting his arms around the boy and cradling him as he sobbed.
"You're a liar! Reo wouldn't…he couldn't…you let him go!"
Eriol frowned. "A puzzling quandary we're in. While we can't hurt Master Reo, we must destroy the evil spirit. Everything must be so complicated, mustn't it?"
It was taking all his self-control for Matt not to lunge at Reo's throat now.
"Nimoy…I swear I'll…"
"You'll what, Matthew? You have no powers, Matthew. You're a worthless fool, Matthew, so low that you have to resort to finding pleasure in a girl who doesn't even exist. She doesn't even really love you, Matthew. You're just deluding yourself, making it seem like it's more than just lust, Matthew."
"Don't listen," Lia whimpered, her fingers almost around the aluminum can.
"And you, fecking author…did you really believe you could defeat me just by wishing for it, fecking author? What do you think this is, Magic Knight Rayearth? And now, fecking author, you will die."
"Just keep on singing the same song, Nimoy," Ken goaded. "How many times this fanfic have you tried killing them? Hmm? And guess what? You haven't, so just shut the hell up and leave us alone."
Lia had her hand around the can of Faygo now, shaking it violently and writhing in Nimoy/Reo's grasp. Both her hands were free, and she poised her fingers on the metal tab.
"Hey Nimoy," she snapped, gathering whatever strength she had left. "You look a little thirsty. How about a drink?"
The tab was snapped off, opening the can. Root beer shot out in a spray of brown carbonated sugar water, straight into the shock-opened mouth of Nimoy/Reo. He unconsciously swallowed, the liquid (made with real holy water) rendering the evil spirit helpless.
"I thought we made it clear, Nimoy," the battered author murmured. "You don't mess with us."
An ungodly yell was heard as Reo/Nimoy placed his hands around his own neck, gagging on the holy beverage as it washed down his throat.
An aura seemed to surround Reo's body as Nimoy howled in pain, lunging his scythe to and fro in a mad furry.
"As Reo said to me once, Nimoy…" Lia smirked, "…Yub-yub, beeyotch."
The body of the Infamous Author then dropped to the ground, no sign of life seemed to be in him. Around him, a few shadows seemed to creep around eerily.
"Oh my god…" Wallace whimpered, running to his side, "Reo-sama!!" He cradled the fallen author's head in his arms, weeping softly.
Lia dusted herself off, walking back into Cody's room to see if the little Vulcan was okay. Bringing the half-sleepy Digidestined shota-fodder out, Matt rushed to her, hugging her.
"Don't ever do something crazy like that again," he whispered, holding her. Lia just kept her arms wrapped around him.
"I wasn't going to go out that easily, luv.." she whispered back, smiling.
"W…where am I?" Cody asked in a daze. He looked around in confusion. "Is Tamers already over?" he asked. Armadillomon just laughed and hugged him.
Wallace, meanwhile, along with Li, Kaworu and Eriol, gathered around their master Reo. Duo was busy packing his exorcism kit. Wallace couldn't help but cry as he kept holding Reo's head.
"…Yer smoth'n ee," came a muffled voice suddenly.
Wallace's eyes lit up. "Reo-sama?"
"Yer smoth'n ee!" he said again.
Eriol blinked. "What did you say, Sir?" he asked.
Wallace just hugged him tightly, while his arms started to flail about.
"I said you're smothering me!" he said as he gasped for air, finally prying Wallace off of him.
"Oh Reo-sama! You're alright!" Wallace wept, and wrapped his arms around his neck. Reo just let out a belch.
Davis sighed. "Are we done yet?"
"Please say yes," Duo added.
Matt's cell phone went off in his pocket, and with an annoyed tone, he answered it.
"What? You've got to be kidding me. You're serious? Both Jims? And walking upside down like a spider? All right, okay, we'll see what we can do. Later."
"Now what?" Lia moaned.
Matt shook his head. "Joe. He says Gomamon's been possessed by Bob Buchholz and is running rampant."
Ken whimpered. "You mean we have to do this all over again?"
"Not me. I'm going home," Lia stated, heading for the door.
"Wait a minute, beeyotch, what makes you special enough to get out of this?" Reo barked.
Lia grinned. "I have a date tonight, and if you think for one minute I'm going dressed like this you have another thing coming."
Matt started off after her. "Yeah, well, since Lia's coming over that means I have to clean the house and stuff so…later!"
Reo got to his feet quickly, waving the Lemon Scythe in aggravation and chasing after them.
"No you don't! There is no way in hell I'm getting stuck exorcising that damn seal! Get back here!"
The bishounen minions followed Master Reo, Duo grumbling something about another can of Faygo™.
Ken and Davis slunk out on their own time, Davis complaining about having nothing to eat all day and that his heavy metal CD was now in pieces.
Cody just stood there, blinking. "Armadillomon…what just went on here?"
"Ah can honestly say Ah have no ahdea, Cody."
~*~
EPILOGUE!! ^___^
At last, Lia and Yamato finally had the night all to themselves. Falling down his couch, making out violently, she nearly ripped his shirt off as she latched onto his neck. Of course, this is not really anything to be taken seriously, considering that no more than a few minutes ago they had finished watching the anime porn the Matt got from Blockbuster, and by now, Lia was in heat. The video tape of The Exorcist was smashed in two and tossed in the fire, while Takeru sat in front of the telly. Not even noticing the two lovers in their new erotic romp as he just stared at the massively gory war movie about saving Private Damon, who crossed over a thin red line to bomb Pearl Harbor or something; I dunno, I never really pay attention to those kinda flicks. Anyway, Matt was having a hard time controlling his in-heat girlfriend and soon, the two of them just sorta fell off the couch. Matt's tongue entwined with hers as his hand slowly began to m.. *THE FOLLOWING SCENE HAS BEEN CENSORED, DUE TO IT'S HEAVY NATURE INVOLVING MAKING THE BEAST WITH TWO BACKS WHILE A LITTLE BROTHER WATCHES GUYS GETTING THEIR N**S BLOWN OFF*
REO!!
…Sorry :D
Davis and Ken, meanwhile, managed to finally take Cody out to a nice restaurant. From there, they went to Blockbuster to rent some movies, only to be chased away in fear of a big, fat, sweaty guy with a bad mullet who wore sweatbands while yammering something about video games. Ken then surprised the both of them by getting a Playstation 2 for Cody and a new Rob Zombie CD for Davis. (He felt guilty, m'kay?)
Armadimon sat at home, eating all the Haugi Daugis ice cream and playing his new Playstation game. (Fear Effect ™, very excellent game.)
As for Reo, and his bishonen minions? Well, if YOU had a group of unbelievably cute boys and were bisexual and always having a hankerin' for some smankerin', what do you think would be happening all night?
That's right; they all watched the Escaflowne movie. (While Reo and Wallace, not to mention Li and Eriol, were necking each other.)
END!!!
(No Gomamon were harmed in the creation of this fic.
Okay, we lied.)