Rolling Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Blunt
Prologue: The Legend of the Thousand-Year Blunt
AN: This is a parody that's been floating around in my head for a long, long time. Can't believe I'm just now getting to work on it. Try listening to PM2's intro music while reading for best effect. And please, tell me what you thought. This is my first story in a while, and I'm still kind of trying to figure out what to do with it. Enjoy!
...COUGH, COUGH! That's some good stuff you got, man. Oh, right...
Ahem. Today, I'm going to tell you the story of the Thousand-Year Blunt.
A long ass time ago, in a strange and far-off land that apparently nobody can remember the name of, a bustling town thrived. It was a place where all the people lived happy lives, and it was said the town was very prosperous. This was due to the wonderful green plant that grew in abundance around the land. This plant was known as marijuana, or weed, or grass, or Mary Jane, or... you get the idea. The people smoked it freely, and everything was good.
But one day, tragedy befell this amazing place. A great catacylsm, can't tell you exactly what it was since apparently this story can be lacking details in certain places, struck the town and its people. Darkness filled the skies, and the earth roared and shook. It was as if the very world was coming to an end. And in but a single night, the town and all its fantastic herb sank into the earth.
Many joints were lit and smoked... Stories of the town passed into the pages of fairy tales and scripts of stoner comedies. And when the town's site no longer held any clues to its blissful foggy past, people gathered at that spot to build a new town.
Word soon spread among the people moving in... that an ancient city lay deep underground... and that a magnificent blunt, made of the finest weed ever grown, lay there.
Indeed... This is the tale of the fabled treasure of Rogueport. Yes, this is where it begins, in the crime-ridden shithole of a sea town that is Rogueport.
The tale of the quest for the legendary blunt... the blunt grown from the fabled millenium old weed... begins here.
Cut to Princess Peach, taking in the sights and various unpleasant smells in the central square of Rogueport. She seems not to be bothered by the gallows in the center either.
"Finally, a minute without that ancient fossil Toadsworth watch over me! He's so paranoid! I mean, we're only in a town called Rogueport that's teeming with scum and crime! For some ridiculous reason I thought this would be a good vacation spot, and he's so stifling!"
She took a look around at the various characters around her, including two Goombas exchanging money for a bag of white powder, a homeless Toad chugging a brown-bagged bottle of liquor, and a pissed-off looking Toad with an apron shrieking about losing her contacts.
"Although now that I'm here, this town certainly has its, uh... unique charms."
"Missy! Hey, missy!" an ominous voice called off to Peach's left.
"What?! You mean me?!" Peach exclaimed, taking a moment to register whether or not the voice was actually speaking to her.
"Yes, you, genius." Walking up to figure that the voice belonged to, it appeared to be a midget in a wizard's cloak with the face completely shrouded in darkness, who had a rug spread on the ground with a wide variety of drugs on display.
"Won't you buy something? Whatever your pleasure, I've got it. Want some weed? Acid? Mushrooms? Believe me, this ain't the kind of mushrooms you're used to!"
"Uhhh... Welllll..." Peach answered slowly, not sure which she should pick. "Wait a minute, are you seriously just peddling this in the open? You can do that?"
The cloaked figure sighed. "Yes, it's called ROGUEport for a reason, dim bulb."
"Oh, right." Looking over the wares, she noticed something the stood out-an ornamental box decorated with carved blunts and smoke patterns.
"Cool box! What's inside it?" Peach asked, pointing toward it.
"Oh, this?" The figure held up the box. "This is just where I usually keep my rollies. I mean, uh, it contains a map that shows the location of a legendary treasure. But the box has a magic lock that will only open to one with a pure and noble heart. I deal a ton of illegal substances, so yeah, doesn't do it for me."
"Ooooohhhh..." Peach muttered, her interest peaked.
"Tell you what though," the cloaked figure continued, "if you can open that box, you can have whatever's inside. I'm sure whatever's inside wouldn't be of any use to me."
"Why not?"
"Ugh, I don't know, okay? Just take the friggin' box and let's see what happens. Sheesh."
"Sure, why not?" Peach asked rhetorically, snatching it out of the cloaked midget's hands.
With a simple push, the box opened, and a burst of billowing white smoke poured out of the box, hotboxing the entire square, and everything became hazy...