Summary: What if Shay had that baby she so desperately wanted with Kelly? Her sudden and tragic death leaves him to raise it on his own. How is he coping with being a full time father? Is he just crumbling under the pressure? A unique opportunity leads him to someone that can change his life. Can he let anyone in his life long enough give his daughter a mother once again? And give himself a chance at a once in a lifetime love? Set from episode 5x08 on.
Chapter 1: Only Hope
There's nothing in this life that can prepare you for the pain and suffering that will come your way. Someone once said, that time heals all wounds. I bet that person never lost anything they cared about. The day I lost my best friend, in some way I lost myself. Leslie Shay was the best person I had ever known. She was strong, spunky, honest, and had the biggest heart of anybody I've ever known. Most of all...she put up with me day in and day out. The more I've thought about everything I put her through, I don't know why she did. No one will ever quite understand the love I had for that girl. In my eyes, she could do no wrong...even when I didn't agree with her choices. I watched her go through a lot of highs and lows. I saw the pain she had when her heart was broken. That's why when she fell apart and decided she needed a purpose in her life...I agreed to help her.
In a lot of ways, I needed the exact same thing. I've nearly derailed my life more than once and I'm not proud of it. I don't always think before I leap and the outcome isn't always great. Helping my friend reach her dream of becoming a mother was exactly what I needed. And in doing so, I realized how much I wanted to be a father. Shay never stopped teaching me what being a family meant. I think my dysfunctional one made me unsure of what one truly looked like. Then she came into our life, Elizabeth Kelly Shay - Severide. The day she was born...my life suddenly had a purpose I never knew I needed. I had this instant family with my best friend, and for the first time I felt complete and content.
Lizzie is the spitting image of her mother. She has her beautiful eyes and infectious smile, with my dark brown hair. I never thought it was possible to love somebody so much. After Shay died, I struggled a lot. I didn't know how to live my own life without her, never mind raise a daughter. I've made a lot of mistakes since then. I've spent days being reckless and selfish in the wake of the pain I've gone through. I haven't been the man or father I know Shay wanted me to be. But this was all her, she knew what she was doing. Thankfully, I have people to help me when I fall. My family at 51 has been there every single day. The days following Shay's death, I couldn't even go home to my daughter. Looking into her eyes caused too much pain. So, thankfully for Dawson, Casey, Hermann, Boden...everybody, she was taken care of.
For the past three years, I've tried to live my life better. But too many times I've fallen short. Lately I've looking for something to make my life worthwhile. Plenty of people can say being a parent does that. Some days that's true but others I'm left wondering. My personal life has struggled over the years and maybe it's time to change that. I don't like getting too close to anybody that could possibly impact my daughter's life. So I never let anybody in.
So, when Clarke came to me and asked for my help...I knew in my heart that's exactly what I've been looking for. There's probably a million different thoughts that crossed my mind when Clarke first propositioned me. Do I have the time? Do I care enough? I didn't know this person...why help? Well, that part is easy. Helping people is in my blood. No matter the risk...I will do whatever I can to save a life. My own life has been a bit of a mess lately. Okay, that's probably an understatement. But it's the truth. I've been questioning myself more than ever before. Of where I'm heading and what kind of man I'm gonna be when I get there. Sometimes it scares me that I'm never gonna be the man I want to be and that is simply one person...not my father.
"You're here." Clarke said as I entered the hospital.
"I said I would be."
"You don't have to do this if you don't want to. You can always stay anonymous."
"No, if she wants to meet me...it's the least I can do."
"The least you can do? You're subjecting yourself to a painful procedure to save her life."
"You know what I mean."
"Okay, let's go."
Meeting Anna the first time, it felt like i'd known her forever. She has this amazing heart and soul...and fear that she might have a tomorrow. As much as she tries to be strong, I can hear the pain breaking through her words. And more than ever, I can't wait to help her get back to her life. Just in the few minutes I've been there, I feel this almost familiarity between us. And in some weird way after she receives my bone marrow, we'll be connected indefinitely. Her big blue eyes and infectious smile look up into mine. And something seems to change instantly. But i'm not even sure what it is.
"So, how long have you been a firefighter?" She asks suddenly.
"My entire life."
"Really?"
"I knew there was nothing else in this world I was meant to be. When I was younger, I wanted to run the other way...find something different to make out of my life. But I guess I always knew exactly where I belonged."
"That's a pretty great feeling to have, isn't it? I'm sure you've had to work hard to get to where you are."
"Yeah. When I first started out, I worked the hardest I could to be the best. I never wanted to question if I was anything less. At the time, I was the youngest person to ever make squad in Chicago. And that made me better."
"Then what?"
"My father. We don't necessarily have the greatest of relationships. And he always thought he was the greatest firefighter to ever serve. He always told me I'd never make it. I'd never be better than he was. Living up to that was the hardest thing I knew I'd ever have to do. But I had to prove I could be the best. And more than anything, I knew I had to do it without his help...and I did. It's cost me a lot to get to where I am, but I wouldn't trade a single second of it."
"And that's all that matters. That passion you feel when you talk about it...that's the most important thing that we ever do in this world."
"What about you? I hear you're a nurse. You must love helping people too."
"More than anything. It's in my blood. I'm a pediatric nurse and I love those kids so much. And sometimes it's really bad. But the days that aren't, the days I can make a difference in their life if only for a moment...makes me feel so worthwhile."
"That's exactly how I feel."
"And I have to tell you, I miss it more than anything. I just want to get back to my work."
"And I'm gonna help you get there...I promise." I tell her, and her smile lights up the room again. Even in the worst situation, you can tell her incredible soul has never wavered. And that's what makes everything I'm gonna risk worth it. I just want to see her live that life she's so proud of.