The Big Shindig
Cousin Pearl returns to visit the Clampetts, and is dismayed to see Jethro puttin' on airs (while dumber than ever) and Elly May an aging spinster (well over 20, and still unmarried!). Mr. Drysdale's ever-increasing greed reaches its apex, while Mrs. Drysdale returns to sacrifice her principles make common cause with the Clampetts. In the meantime, Granny goads Jed into a feud over a deadly insult to Clampett honour. Takes place after the ninth season. The Series Finale of the Beverly Hillbillies! Reviews appreciated.
Chapter 1 - Cousin Pearl Returns
The cab driver had seen many kooks in the day, but this one took the cake. He had picked up a middle aged woman with a thick hillbilly accent at the airport. She was now sitting in the back of his car, gabbing about her rich relations in Beverly Hills. A Beverly Hills address was what she gave him, but there was no way this woman, bedecked in a ridiculous old fashioned dress full of buttons and bows, had any business in that exclusive enclave!
"My cousin Jed, that I was tellin' you about, he had purt near 100 million in that there Commerce Bank of Beverly Hills" said Pearl Bodine, eagerly. "He's also has a castle in England, where he's known as the Earl of Clampett (1). My son Jethro, he's done lived there for nearly ten years."
"Really?" said the cab driver, wondering if she were dangerous.
"That's so. I lived there with em' when they first moved. But Jethrine, (2) she's my daughter you see, she done got herself hitched to Jazzbo Depew. I decided I had to be around, to look after my grandchildren. Twins, Hezekiah and Hepzibah."
The driver had stopped for a light, so Cousin Pearl obligingly waved him a snapshot.
"Cute kids" the driver said, observing some normal looking children bedecked in old fashioned suits. The crazed dame's son-in-law was a short man who would have been considered a sharp dresser in the naughts or the 10's, but now looked as wacky as his mother in law. And what was that beside him? An extremely tall, ugly woman in an old fashioned dress. Gross!
"Nice family" said the driver, passing the portrait back.
"I thinks it's about time for Jethro to get himself hitched" said Cousin Pearl. "Bright boy, is Jethro."
The cab driver wasn't sure, but he could have sworn the woman added to herself, "Bright as a bat on a moonless night. What did I ever do to get such a fool for a son!"
"It's more'n time for his Cousin Elly" Cousin Pearl gossiped to the driver. "Poor girl's looks to be an old maid. Nearly 25 and never married."
"25?" said the driver incredulously. "Oh . . . yeah. I don't see . . . I mean, well, I've seen plenty of ugly broads who've fetched themselves husbands. My wife's one of them!"
"So's your daughter" added the driver to himself.
"Well, with me around" said Pearl, "there's gonna be some more action over there. Why, I bet a month won't go by until we've have a big shindig with the young un's being hitched!
"Lucky you" said the driver sardonically.
"Won't it be!" said Pearl. "Give me your address an' I'll be sure to give you an invite!"
"I'm . . . sorry, lady, but we cab drivers can't take party invitations from customers" the driver lied.
"Well, then, I'll go and call your company" said Pearl.
"You go do that" said the driver obligingly.
The driver was annoyed to find that the hillbilly woman had given him an address on a street full of the largest, most expensive, and most exclusive mansions in Beverly Hills. Maybe he could explain the situation to the butler of the snooks who's home he'd be crashing? Call the men with the white coats? But then again, these rich folks didn't like to be bothered. Especially by an unwanted cabby with a lunatic for a passenger.
The cab driver drove up at the address, a sombre mansion of grey stone with a large circular driveway in front. A stone wall enclosed the estate.
"Ain't it a gem" said Pearl.
"It sure is" said the driver, driving through the open gate.
He wondered if he was doing the right thing. Those rich people might complain . . . they could get him fired for this!
The cab driver parked reluctantly in front of the double doors at the front of the mansion.
"Cousin Pearl!" said a middle aged man, in old brown clothes and a white shirt. "It's been too long a time!"
"JED!" said Cousin Pearl, rushing out of the car and giving her cousin a hug.
"It's about time you've showed up here, Pearl" said a short old woman also exiting the mansion. She wore a simple homespun skirt and blouse. Her hair was grey, her face pinched and her figure wiry, but the cab driver judged her to be tough as leather notwithstanding.
"Aunt Pearl" said a young woman's voice.
The driver gasped.
Outside, dressed in a short blue dress, was the prettiest girl the cabby ever saw.
"Elly May" said Pearl, hugging her niece.
Elly May . . . the old maid?
Before the driver could consider further, Jed Clampett went up to the car.
"I'd like to thank you kindly for taking Pearl home from the air-port" said Jed.
He handed the driver a small wad of bills.
"That ought to cover your fare, and leave a tip for you" Jed noted. "No need to tote the bags into the house if you don't want to, reckon' we like to do for ourselves."
"Oh, no, Mr. Clampett" said the driver eagerly, fingering the crisp new cash, "I'd be glad to help."
And he thought the woman had been a kook! She was rich. Her family was rich. Well, then. If they were rich, they were eccentric . . . not kooks.
"That's mighty fine. 'cause Granny's made up a fine mess of possum innards, grits and redeye peas and gopher gravy on the occasion of Pearl's coming back."
There was eccentricity and there was kookyness.
"On second thought, buddy" said the driver, "I've got to go. I'm not allowed to take lunch from customers."
"I'm going to have to call your taxi company 'bout that" said Jed. "Seems as if they takes all the lard outta the pudding."
The driver hurriedly removed Pearl's luggage from the trunk, and sped quickly away.
Notes
(1) Jed Clampett inherits a castle (and title) in England. The Clampetts visit it twice in the series. The idea for a cab driver comes from a black-and-white episode. There, a cabby, played by Mel Blanc, concluded the Clampett mansion is a private lunatic asylum.
(2) Jethrine is Jethro's repulsive twin sister (played by the same actor who played Jethro), who only appears in the first season. Cousin Pearl notes she was married off at the end of the season. Unlike Cousin Pearl, Jethrine isn't mentioned in subsequent years.
I have never watched The Return of the Beverly Hillbillies. This is my attempt at a Series Finale to tie up the loose ends left at the end of the show.