Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all recognizable characters
Left-Handed Spiral Bound Notebooks
Chapter 1
Reasons Why The World Needs Left-Handed Spiral-Bound Notebooks
By Lily Evans
With commentary from Melissa Taylor and Kayla Ferns
(Plus James Potter, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin)
To Professor Homirtisanitoriolc…
His name's too long.
You may as well give up now, Lil.
To Professor H, I am writing to tell you about a little something that Muggles have invented; yet the wizarding world has not yet caught on to. They are called left-handed notebooks.
Left-handed spiral-bound notebooks.
Whatever. Anyway, after our little… disagreement yesterday about how the left-handed students of the school…
You mean you.
Shut up, Mel. Anyway, I suggested that you make left-handed spiral-bound notebooks available to left-handed students like myself, as it is apparently compulsory to use spiral-bound notebooks instead of parchment in Muggle Studies. However, you did not find it… necessary, shall I say, to make this available to us.
I think his exact words were: 'Well, if you're so smart, Lily Evans, why don't you just conjure one up instead of bothering me about it? Well?' And when you failed to come up with an appropriate answer: 'Then give me a good reason why I should.'
You know, I have half a mind to give that recording of what you said to Dumbledore. If we're lucky, maybe you'll get fired, Professor… so remind me why we're doing this again, Lil?
Because I'm trying to make life easier.
By getting us to help you write this stupidly long list?
Technically, we're not actually writing this. Those quills are just recording everything we're saying, remember?
Nice spell by the way, Lily.
Thanks. Anyway, Professor, we have come up with the top ten reasons why you should make left-handed notebooks available.
1. Even right-handed people, like Melissa and Kayla, agree
Actually, we didn't have much choice. Lily can be very… persuasive sometimes.
Yeah, it's even harder to disagree when she's threatening to shrink you down and throw you into Moaning Myrtle's favourite toilet.
You know it's a promise, not a threat, especially after what she did to Narcissa Black last week.
THAT WAS YOU?
Can we get back to the point here? The quill's recording everything we're saying and I don't think Professor H wants to read about our… shall we say, out-of-class recreational activities.
Yeah, because we always turn snotty Slytherins into giant pumpkins and throw them around the Entrance Hall.
And the Great Hall.
And the Charms corridor.
Don't forget the Astronomy Tower!
That's it; I'm ripping this up and starting again.
You do that.
But we won't help you do another one.
WHAT? BUT YOU'VE GOT TO! I CAN'T PERSUADE HIM ON MY OWN! YOU KNOW YOU'RE HIS FAVOURITES!
Then don't rip this up. Oh look, there's the Marauders. Hi, boys!
You know, sometimes I don't know why I bother with them. They're busy talking to James, Sirius, Remus and Peter now. I know James is my boyfriend, and I love him and everything, but I really want to get back to the point of thislist, or I'll never finish it.
Oh great, now James is looking at me weirdly because he thinks I'm talking to myself. He's coming over…
((New user of Recording Spell detected))
Hey! What're you recording?
Nothing.
Come on… wait, I don't have to beg you. It's all on the paper.
James, give me that!
'Why the world needs left-handed spiral-bound notebooks, by Lily Evans'
Don't forget the 'with commentary by Melissa Taylor and Kayla Ferns' part.
Of course. Genius.
Thanks.
CAN WE GET BACK TO THE POINT NOW?
((New user of Recording Spell detected))
What's all this yelling about?
Oh great. Just what I need. More people. Go away, Sirius!
I thought you wanted people to be aware.
No, she forced people to be aware.
There's a difference to being aware and butting in!
Not to us.
CAN WE PLEASE GET BACK TO THE POINT?
((New user of Recording Spell detected))
You're writing something and leaving me out? How rude.
REMUS LUPIN! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ONE OF THE GOOD ONES!
Sorry, Lily. A Marauder is never 'one of the good ones'.
((Sounds of tears detected))
Our ickle Moony's all grown up.
And I thought we'd never see the day.
So… what are we doing here?
Well, I was trying to get Professor H to… oh, forget it. Just read the paper.
…
YOU WERE THE ONE THAT TURNED NARCISSA INTO A PUMPKIN?
I've been told, yes.
((Sarcasm detected))
WHAT? AND YOU DIDN'T TELL US? WE COULD HAVE HELPED!
Hey, it wasn't like it was intentional.
Oh, sure. Because you just turn people into pumpkins by accident all the time.
Okay then, it was slightly intentional.
What happened?
Oh, she erm… called me a few names… and you lot a few names... called James and Mel and Sirius blood traitors...anyway, Professor H, the point of this first reason was to tell you that even non left-handed people…
Otherwise known as right-handed people.
What did Narcissa say to you? Because if she called you a you-know-what, I'm going to turn her into a pumpkin again and whack her with a hammer.
Then feed the pieces to that big plant thing with teeth that Sprout's got.
Yeah.
James, I…
I still can't believe you didn't tell me about it so that I could help.
((Snort detected))
Yeah, if by 'help' you mean finish bouncing her around, cut her up and serve her to Malfoy. Not likely, Sirius.
Hey, don't feel bad. I only found out because I did the Prior Incantatum spell on her wand after it happened.
Now why didn't I think of that?
Because you've been hit by too many Bludgers. ANYWAY, I was saying, right-handed people like the above five mentioned agree that the spiral-bound notebooks should be available to students like myself. Here are some of the reasons why they do… your turn.
…
Oh, come on! I give you a chance to speak and you have nothing to say.
No, we do.
We're just thinking how to phrase it.
And wondering who wants to be killed first.
Lillipop, nobody wants to be on the receiving end of your anger.
Stop calling me that!
Fine…
((Mutter detected))
Lillipop.
That's alright, I'll go… Professor, if you don't make left-handed spiral-bound notebooks available to Lily in Muggle Studies, you can be guaranteed that all students, staff, ghosts, portraits, and the like will be:
Hexed by Lily at least once. Her hexes? They hurt, Professor.
Also, you can expect:
Constant whining and complaining. She's my girlfriend, Professor. I have to put up with her. And I don't want to be in the middle of making out with her, only to have her push me away and listen to her start complaining again.
Too much information, Potter.
Watch it, Taylor. That's your Captain you're speaking to.
Like I care.
You may also find:
The hospital wing crammed full of injured students from Lily's lashing out in anger. And not just magically – it hurts even more when she physically hits you. Trust me, I've got a bruise on my arm from three months ago when she hit me.
And:
Lily's Head Girl, Professor. When she gets mad, I'm sure that she won't hesitate to abuse her privileges and rights as much as possible. Now, as a teacher, you wouldn't want bias now, would you?
When you've all finished telling Professor H how violent I can be…
Honey, we haven't even started.
Put your hands up: who's been hit, hexed or been hit and hexed by Lily in the past week because she got annoyed.
…
Let the record show that all six hands went up.
Six? Did she hit herself?
I counted Peter as well, nutcase.
Why doesn't he just join in himself?
Because he doesn't know – and can't do – the spell.
Unfortunately, we can't perform it for him because it's one of those things that you have to do yourself.
((Unison speaking detected))
Shame.
((Sarcasm detected))
Anyway, Professor H, this just goes to show that if you don't get some left-handed notebooks pronto, then Hogwarts is going to have a lot of injured students. I'm sure you know how long it took me to get her, Professor – before that, I got some pretty painful first-hand experiences of her annoyance.
((Slapping sound detected))
See?
((Users 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6 removed by User 1))
They were wasting paper. So, Professor, that concludes reason one. The next reason will be given to you as soon as my so-called friends have learnt some manners.
((User removes self))
((New user of Recording Spell detected))
It's Melissa again. By the way, Professor, 'wasting paper' is just Lily's way of saying she got too annoyed at us to let us carry on.
((User removes self))
Good? Bad? Let me know! There will be some fluffiness, requested by the requester of this story, soon, so don't worry! Next chapter will just be Lily and Melissa.
And in case you didn't already get it:
Lily
Melissa
Kayla
James
Sirius
Remus
And unison speaking is in bold underline
Readers of my other story, The Idiocy Of Some People, will understand the whole 'Lillipop' thing. If you're not, then it's basically a nickname James came up for Lily. In that story, Lily and James, Sirius and Melissa, Remus and Kayla are dating. In this, it's only Lily and James. Too much would be too cliche, don't you think? Although Mel is one of my favourite OCs, and the thought of leaving her Sirius-less is too depressing. There'll be some hints of them in later chapters (Melissa and Kayla are my OCs, if you didn't get that already).
If you don't read my other story, and you have any questions, just let me know! So please review!
Oh, and just a note: Lily isn't actually usually this violent, all of her friends are just exaggerating to wind her up.