Title: Absente Patre
Author: IndyOrgana
Rating: M for language
Author's Note: Hey guys, I'm back again with another little one-shot for the House fandom. This is post-Bombshells, more post-After Hours. Anyhow, this is a post-break up reconciliation fic. Again, massive shout outs to all my twitter pals (especially ClinicDuty and Sammie1Million) who deal with me sending 500 drafts of each fic- thank you! Enjoy, and please review!
The last person Lisa Cuddy wanted to see that morning was him.
It was early, he shouldn't be here. Wilson had mentioned he hadn't been sleeping since his release from hospital, but she tried to convince herself that what he did was of no concern to her. Also, since when had insomnia ever brought him to work early?
He was no longer her problem. Or so she thought.
And so she found herself, on this early morning, trying to keep a grip on a fidgeting Rachel whilst unlocking her office doors as his uneven steps made their slow way across the foyer floor.
Cuddy had just managed to turn the key when she heard Rachel yell "House!" and break free of the hold Cuddy had on her coat.
Cuddy turned in time to see Rachel launch herself at House and flinched in anticipation, almost gasping at how at the last second Rachel latched securely onto his good leg, hugging him, and tilting her head to smile up at him.
She kept watching, silently, as House set his weight carefully before scooping the little girl up, her arms wrapping around his neck as she whispered into his ear.
As House nodded and replied, Cuddy turned back to her door, feeling like she was intruding on a deeply private moment, wondering just when House had built this relationship with her daughter.
She had seen it that night, as they sat by his bedside after she fought for the second time to save his leg. She helped Rachel write him a letter, trying to keep her tears at bay as Rachel poured out her little heart and soul to her playmate, crying to her mother at the end about how much she missed him.
"I miss him too" Cuddy had wanted to say. And now, seeing them like this, almost like father and daughter, she couldn't handle the sight. Standing at her now open office door, she turned and called for Rachel, watching her hug House one more time before he put her down to run back to Cuddy.
As Rachel reached her mother, she turned to yell "Bye House!" as he met Cuddy's eyes and offered a cordial nod.
Is that where we are now? Nods and awkward smiles? Cuddy could have burst into tears, if not for Rachel patiently clutching her hand. God, she missed that man. Despite the anger, the hurt, the madness, she continued to feel drawn to him. She continued to love him.
Settling Rachel onto the couch in her office with a stack of picture books, paper and crayons, Cuddy threw herself into work, distracting herself from the man that no matter how much she tried, was never far from her thoughts.
Watching him with Rachel had been like a punch to the gut, she had no idea they'd formed such a close bond… but when had House ever been fully open with her? He could barely express his feelings about her, let alone his feelings regarding Rachel.
As Cuddy reached for another stack of files to sign off on, she felt tears form in the corners of her eyes. Damnit House, her thoughts straying to how much she desperately missed him.
—
Later that evening Cuddy came into Rachel's room, ready to tuck her into bed with a story.
As Rachel climbed in, Cuddy noticed a neatly folded piece of paper sticking out from underneath Rachel's pillow.
"Rachel honey, what's this?"
Rachel buried her head into her pillow, the words "it's a secret" barely discernible.
"A secret huh?" Cuddy picked up the paper but didn't unfold it, noticing the familiar scrawl on the outside. "Honey, did House give you this?"
Rachel nodded, her face still hidden in her pillow, voice muffled, "He said it was a secret, for him and me."
"Oh?" Cuddy fought the urge to open the paper, wanting more information. "When did he give you this? This morning? In the clinic, when you went to see him?"
Rachel's head popped up "Uh-huh. I said I misses him and he said he misses us too. Why did he have to go away, mommy?"
Cuddy felt tears pricking in her eyes as Rachel looked at her with such innocence, as if her mommy had all the answers in the world.
"Well, when mommy was sick, she was scared and needed help. And House, he was scared for me and he didn't know how to help. And because we were both so scared we did silly, stupid things, and we made mistakes, and we-" I, Cuddy silently corrected herself, "-we decided that we couldn't see each other any more, because we were fighting and we didn't know how to fix it. And we're sorry if we hurt you baby, because neither of us wanted that."
Rachel rolled over in her bed and snuggled against Cuddy's leg. "He said he misses us and gave me a special letter but it's a secret," she grinned, "but you can look mommy"
Cuddy bent over to softly kiss Rachel's forehead "Why thank you baby. Do you want me to read it out to you?"
Rachel nodded, and so Cuddy unfolded the paper, breathing deeply to stay calm. The way House had been acting she felt justified in being nervous about what he had to say.
Dear Rugrat-
Thank you for your letter, it made me feel a lot better knowing that you and your mom were looking out for me. Sometimes it feels like no one is, and that's a lonely feeling. I hope you're never lonely kid, it's a miserable life that no-one like you or your mom or Uncle Wilson deserve.
You're a good kid. You didn't scream, or cry, or make things difficult. You listen to your mom, even when it's scary. You've always been good, even if I never took the time to tell you…or your mom.
It took me a long time to meet you, I mean after your mom first brought you home. I was mad, sad, all different things at once, because I thought your mom couldn't love you and still love me. But she has so much love in her and you're a lucky little girl.
I tried to avoid you, because my dad was a mean person and I was scared I would be the same. I was scared I couldn't be what you needed, that I'd screw it - and you - up, and your mom could never forgive me - and I'd never forgive myself.
But you wouldn't let me stay away- you made me give you baths, read you stories, make you breakfast. You'd cry for me when you hurt, when you were tired, when you didn't even know what you felt. And at first it scared me, so much, that you wanted me, that you trusted me. But your mom helped me see that I could be what you needed. A friend, a protector, a playmate. That I could be myself.
I know your mom tells you that you're adopted, and you're a lucky lucky girl that she chose you. She would worry if she was enough, that 'just' a mom was enough. She's the strongest woman I know and can do anything she sets her mind to, so I knew she'd be an amazing mom. But she always worried about the day you'd ask why you didn't have a dad.
One night, she asked me what I thought about being your guardian. It's like a dad, but I decided that if you wanted me to be your dad I wanted it to be your choice when you were old enough. A guardian meant that if anything happened to your mom, like she was hurt, I could look after you and you wouldn't be sent away to Grandma or Aunt Julia.
I was scared kid, so scared. I never wanted kids, I never wanted to be a dad. But you - you weaselled your way into my heart with your big eyes and pouty lips… you can be so much like your mother. I told your mom I needed to think about it. Being a guardian… you'd be stuck with me forever. I didn't mind having you, but did you really want a crazy old cripple for your dad? I thought one day you would be older and be mad at your mom for choosing me, that you wouldn't want me around once you'd outgrown pirate cartoons and twinkle twinkle little star on my piano.
But I never got to tell her. She got sick, I got scared, and we couldn't be friends any more. I couldn't come over and see you, put you to bed, read you stories. I couldn't be there with your mom for you to climb between us after a nightmare. I miss you and your mom so much kid, and I especially miss that I never got the chance to tell your mom how much I love you both and wanted to be your guardian.
I love you, and your mom, and I miss you both. I wish I could have pancakes with you again, watch Disney movies again, even just watch you both nap on the couch.
Cuddy's breath was catching and tears were running down her face as she reached the end of the page. Rachel was sitting up, wrapped around her and looking down at the letter as if she too could read House's heartfelt words. Oh House. Why couldn't you have talked to me when we were together? Why did you have to hurt us both so much? Why do I still feel so much for you?
"There's more, mommy" Rachel pointed to the bottom, recognising letters that hadn't been said.
I long for the day when I can see you both again.
With Love,
Absente Patre
Cuddy finished the letter and once again bent to kiss Rachel's head, tasting the salt of her tears on her lips.
"What does those funny words mean?"
"At the end?"
Rachel nodded, staring intently at her mother's tear-streaked face.
"Ummmm…it's Latin…another language," Cuddy paused as she attempted to translate it. Only House would use a latin phrase at the end of such an emotional confession. "It means…" she felt the tears returning, "The absent father"
"Father?" Rachel stumbled over the word, like she was trying out the sound. "Like a daddy?"
She gently patted her mother on the leg, half in comfort, half to get her attention away from the letter.
"Yeah, honey, like that," Cuddy was trying her best to not break down in front of Rachel, knowing she needed to be alone to process this confession. "House is telling you that he misses you, and he loves you." She blinked slowly, a tear escaping, "I'm sorry you don't see him anymore...maybe...maybe we could organise that you can see him. Maybe at the park? Would you like that?"
Rachel nodded, her big blue eyes locked on her mother, who took a deep breath to steady herself.
"Ok baby, it's time to sleep," Cuddy helped Rachel situate herself under the covers before leaning in to plant a kiss on her forehead. "Do you want me to tuck the letter back under your pillow?"
Rachel nodded again, her eyes beginning to drift closed.
"Ok," Cuddy slid the paper back under the pillow before standing to switch off the light. "Night baby."
Making her way down the hall to her bedroom, Cuddy couldn't stop the tears that were threatening to fall. She couldn't believe he could be so open, so honest, even if only to a little girl.
Reaching her bed, Cuddy curled up on her side and let the tears come. Tears for what they'd been, what she'd done… everything she'd missed and now regretted. House was the most incredible man she'd ever known, and he proved it again and again… she just didn't see it.
She lay awake as the hours ticked by, watching the moonlight shine through her window, running the letter through her mind again and again.
I never told your mom how much I loved you… I wanted to be your guardian...
The lines ran around and around in her thoughts, the occasional sob keeping her from sleep. Rolling over to her other side she glanced at the clock, sighing in frustration to see it was well after midnight.
Reaching for the phone, she held it in front of her, weighing the pros and cons, before she hit the number she knew by heart.
"Hello?" Came the groggy voice at the other end.
"Hey...it's me."
"Cuddy? What… what's wrong? Are you ok?" House's voice cleared as he fully woke, concern for Cuddy and Rachel breaking through his exhaustion.
"I...I read your letter."
Silence.
"House? Why…"
"She deserved to know, Cuddy. She deserved to know, you deserved to know, but I knew you wouldn't listen to me."
"If you hadn't gone off the way you did…"
"Oh come on Cuddy! You dumped me! You cost me any chance to tell you or Rachel how I truly felt!"
Cuddy snorted. "Sure, like you'd ever open up that much. How can I even trust it? How do I know it isn't a load of BS to feed my daughter to make her feel better about never seeing you again?"
"Why would I make it up for Rachel, she can't even read. I knew you were gonna read it eventually when I gave it to her."
"So what, is it just a lie for me to feed to Rachel?"
"Christ Cuddy! You call me in the middle of the night to accuse me of lying by proxy to your daughter?"
"Right now I wouldn't put anything past you!"
House sighed, with Cuddy half expecting him to hang up on her.
Eventually he speaks, softly, almost defeated, "It's the truth. All of it."
Cuddy waits, knowing there's more.
"I wasn't even expecting you to ever read it, I wasn't expecting to see the Munchk... Rachel, ever again, let alone have the chance or the guts to pass on the letter. Do you know how hard writing it was? Do you know how sick I felt, slipping it to Rachel, knowing you'd finally read it? I... Cuddy, I've missed you. I've screwed up so bad, hurt you so bad, that I didn't know how to tell you how I really felt."
"You were going to say yes? To being her guardian?"
"Yes. I wanted her - and you - in my life. For a long time. And instead I screwed it up, beyond repair, and you'll never forgive me."
"You were high, House. I needed you, and you needed pills. It's as simple as that."
House let out a frustrated sigh. "You threw me away over one pill. I threw away over a year of sobriety to be there for you, and it wasn't enough. It was never enough. I wanted to be enough for you, Cuddy." A pause. "I still do."
"I…I can't House," Cuddy's voice trembled, "I can't let you back into her life, with you back on Vicodin, I can't…"
"I'm clean, Cuddy." His voice is soft, so soft she barely hears him. "In the hospital, after nearly losing my leg again… I… I thought of what I'd lost… of everything those pills cost me. Sure, your standards were high, near impossible to meet, but I still… I fucked up. I couldn't keep going. Ask Wilson, he was the one to note on my chart to keep me off opioids. And I've been clean since then. Nothing but ibuprofen."
"What about that trial drug? You call that wanting to be clean?"
"How many times do I have to say it Cuddy? I. screwed. up. I made stupid decisions. You want to know why I took that drug? Because I was hoping it would help with my pain, that it would help with my leg, that I could be the man you were proud to stand beside. It's messed up, I know, but I did it for you, Cuddy. I did it to hopefully be the man you deserve. And...I'm sorry."
Cuddy leant back against her pillows, tears falling freely at his confession.
"Cuddy? You still there?"
"Yeah House, I'm here. I just… I don't know what to say. I'm proud of you for detoxing again, but that trial drug… you could have lost your leg… you could have died. How can I turn around and give you another chance when you take risks like that? How can I let you see Rachel when I struggle to trust you?"
"I don't know how I can make you trust me again, but Cuddy… give me another chance?"
"House...I…" Cuddy took a deep breath, "I want to give you another chance."
She heard his sigh of relief clearly, and she smiled softly, knowing that despite all the insanity, this… felt right. Cuddy, Rachel...and House. It was how it was meant to be...but that didn't mean she had to dive in headfirst again. This time she'd be more open, but still…
"House?"
"Yeah?"
"I...I need to think. So much has happened, so much between us, I just...I need some time."
"Okay"
She closed her eyes, already feeling guilty at not giving him the response she knew he needed to hear.
"I...I'll see you tomorrow?"
"Yeah. Goodnight Cuddy"
"Night, House"
She pressed the button to end the call but didn't put the phone down straight away, staring at the illuminated screen.
Could she do this?
Could she let him back in?
Cuddy sighed for what felt like the millionth time, putting the phone on her bedside table to charge. Fluffing her pillows, she lay back down, feeling utterly drained yet still unable to sleep.
Her mind was swirling with thoughts of the letter and the conversation they'd just had, the first mature discussion since everything went pear-shaped. She was amazed they'd managed it - no yelling, no tears. Just her and House, working through the remnants of their relationship.
Her and House.
She wanted him back. She missed him, desperately, despite all the pain he had caused her over recent weeks. But could she really blame him? He was hurting, he always lashed out when hurting, and this time she was the one responsible for his pain.
She had taken the easy way out, and she knew it. Instead of accepting House, instead of supporting him, talking to him, loving him, she pushed him away. And now here they were, brought back together by Rachel's innocent letter, with Cuddy deciding she would give him another chance, and learn from her mistakes. Things would be different, this time.
She couldn't relax, couldn't sleep, couldn't stop the thoughts racing through her mind. Rolling over with a frustrated sigh, she glimpsed her clock- 3:07AM. Sleep wasn't happening for her tonight.
It was only two hours later when her alarm went off, and she still hadn't slept more than a light doze, but her decision was clear - she was going to talk to House. Today. Enough time had passed with them apart, and she intended to remedy that.
Cuddy took her time readying herself for the day, showering and dressing before getting Rachel up and ready for the nanny. She was distracted though, her thoughts off with House as she went through the motions, and Rachel picked up on it, clinging to her mother as she tried to leave.
She drove to work on autopilot, not thinking until she had pulled into her car space. Walking into the hospital, she took her messages without a word, earning a strange look from the nurse on duty. Entering her office, she still told herself to focus, to get through her work before speaking to House. Besides, he wouldn't be in this early anyway.
Two hours slowly ticked by, her coffee turning cold, as she struggled to work through the files on her desk. Checking the clock, she let out a soft groan at how slowly time was passing. Looking back down at the file, she realised she'd re-read it five times and remembered none of it.
She needed to get this off her mind. She needed to talk to House.
As she stepped into the elevator and pressed the button for the fourth floor she suddenly felt nervous… what if he'd also taken the time to think, and what if he'd decided he didn't want her second chance? That he'd gotten her out of his system and no longer wanted her? She realised the thought of that would hurt more than anything he'd ever put her through.
The doors of the elevator opened to the fourth floor corridor, and she pulled herself to her full height, walking down the hallway as the picture of confidence.
Reaching the glass door of his office she could see him at his desk, hunched over and reading a journal article, glasses perched on his nose. She hesitated, suddenly unsure, until he noticed her movement and looked up.
She took a deep breath.
"I've been thinking." She stepped forward into the office, leaning against the doorframe.
"Dangerous habit." His voice is soft, the tone dry.
"About us...about another chance for us…"
"And?" He had his best poker face on, but the hopeful tone to his voice betrayed his feelings. He wanted this, suddenly more than anything.
"There's just one thing…"
"Yeah?" his voice is hesitant, tinged with fear.
"Your… wife. I can't be your other woman, House."
"She...she's gone. She packed and left whilst I was in the hospital. And besides...she meant nothing to me. I was hurting, and I wanted you to hurt just as bad."
"See, this is what I mean House. How am I supposed to trust you, to re-build with you, when you lash out like that?"
He sighed again, no idea of how to bring her around to where she clearly wanted to be. He removed his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose before looking up to meet her eyes.
"I feel different Cuddy. I don't know how to explain it, but now that she's gone, now that I'm clean again, everything feels clearer… I know where I want to be… and that's with you and Rachel."
Cuddy smiled. That was all she wanted, more than anything, and she was sick of denying it to herself.
"How...how will we do this?" House's voice is hesitant, as though he can't believe this is happening.
"Well…how about a date?"
"A date? Ok… Friday?" She sees his expression of absolute relief and it makes her smile even more.
"Friday it is." She turned to leave his office, her smile becoming a smirk at how it felt to have his eyes on her again, admiring her.
"Cuddy?"
At her name she turned back to face him. "Yeah?"
His look to her was sincere as he softly said, "Thank you"