From The City Of Angel

Welcome To The Jungle

(Takes place after "City Of...")

People try to move away from their problems. I don't know why but you get to a point that you feel like if you pick up and go someplace else, they won't follow you.

Trouble is, your problems are still there when you get where you are going. Maybe they look different but there they are. And what's worse, you've left all the reasons you fought your problems in the first place, behind.

I left Sunnydale, left Buffy, because I thought it was the best thing for both of us. In my head, I still do.

My heart.... that's a different story.

I thought that if I got away from that situation, she could move on with what passes as a normal life for a Slayer.

And me.. Well I could just move on.

Yeh, right.

I came to LA and decided that I'd go back to my loner days.

Stay away from people... dust some vamps and fight some other things along the way, but mostly just stay way from people.

Then Doyle shows up and tells me that's not good enough. I'm suppose to interact.

Doyle gets the visions and I get to be the hero.

Only it didn't work that way.

Tina's dead.

Failed my first assignment out. I have to think that the ones who give Doyle his visions must be re-thinking their decision. Should be anyway.

Doyle goes on about how I saved Cordelia and how we can help the helpless... And maybe we can. Maybe we will.

WE. As in Doyle, Cordelia... and me. I think about Tina and I know that I have to be more careful. Kicking Winters through that window had a certain satisfaction to it, but as sweet as revenge is, it doesn't bring back the dead. And now, it seems, I have them to worry about too.

Being a loner definitely had it's advantages.

The Wrong Places

(Takes place after "Lonely Hearts")

There's a difference between being alone and being lonely. I've tried to explain that to Doyle but he seems determined to drag me out into the light... figuratively anyway.

All part of the "getting into people's lives" agenda.

Personally, I think it's more about him getting into Cordelia's... well, let's just say her "life", through me.

Whatever his motivation, I know that he's right. I have a mission and I need to get involved.

So I went out, mingled with the masses looking for love... I wonder, does anyone ever really meet the person of their dreams in a place like that? Is anyone really trying or are they just looking for a good time?

I was young once. Sure the places I went to weren't like D'Oblique but still, same premise. I had a definite goal but it wasn't to find my soul mate.

As a matter of fact, the one I met took my soul from me.

I recognized what I was looking at: A bunch of lonely people trying not to be alone... perfect prey for so many predators.

But there is one less predator tonight. I stopped the burrower demon and in the process I met Kate Lockley, LAPD.

For now, she sees me as an ally, which is better than when she thought I was a serial killer. I have to admit, when she was describing the profile of the murderer, it did sound a lot like me.... well except for the part about being impotent. .

And why wouldn't it sound like me? I was a serial killer after all. Maybe on some level her cop instincts recognize that.

It's not a pleasant thought obviously but then again, there isn't a lot I can do about it. Hopefully I'll stay on her good side and we can work together some.

Can't hurt to have a friend on the force.

I'll take Doyle's advice and try to be more outgoing. Tried tonight as a matter of fact, offered to take Cordelia and Doyle out - to have fun this time without also hunting a killer demon.

They didn't buy it.

I was glad.

Sometimes things just work out.

A Nice Day

(Takes place after "In The Dark")

Doyle thinks I've lost my mind. He says I have a real addiction to the brooding side of life.

He's not wrong about that... but that's not why I destroyed the Gem of Amara.

I told him that the people who need help during the day already have it. It's the ones that belong to the night that sometimes get forgotten and need me to protect them.

People like Rachel.

If I'd have kept that ring, it wouldn't have been too long before I'd be wearing it all the time. When I came out from under that pier, saw the sun again, I knew that if I could, that's where I'd be- in the sun.

I've missed it so.

But it's not where I belong.

So that's what I told Doyle, and he thinks I'm crazy but he accepts it.

Only it's not the whole truth.

I had a long time to think while Marcus was torturing the hell out of me. I realized that keeping the ring was just too big of risk.

What if Spike came back looking for it and succeeded?

Or some other vampire did?

Bad enough... and yet not the biggest risk of all.

What I didn't tell Doyle was just too hard to come out with. That, once upon a time, I was a monster. Worse than Marcus, worse than Spike.

In fact, I was the monster that made Spike what he is now.

Doyle thinks he knows what I was and said that the ring was my "redemption". Part of me wanted to look at how I saved Rachel and agree with him.

But then there's Spike.

I did so much damage and Spike is a walking, talking, taunting reminder of it.

Redemption won't come that easily.

Was. I tell myself that I was a monster. But I know how quickly it could go from "was" to "am".

Angelus is with me. Always.

I know what the curse is all about now. And if I didn't believe that I would be able to avoid losing my soul again, I'd stake myself right now.

And yet... the risk is still there. The idea of Angelus, loose and un-killable is just too much for me to want to imagine.

But I did imagine it.

It's what made me smash the gem.

So I got tortured, and charred a bit and had to destroy something that would have made my existence so much more pleasant.

But... on the up side I did get to walk in the sun for awhile and watch it set.

And Marcus, for all his expertise, couldn't break me.

Amateur.