I don't own Harry Potter or... I don't have time to write everything, just look below. Whatever you recognise isn't mine. Whatever is left, go check if you care whose is it. Harry Potter certainly don't.
Harry Potter, Boy-Who-Lived, valiant hero who always comes to the rescue, not necessarily damsels, is suspiciously absent from immediate surrounding of narrator, thus hindering flow of this story...
"Where could he be?" narrator asked himself, looking around "Ah, there he is." he said finally spotting head sprouting unmistakable mop of unruly black hair.
"Nah, that isn't him." said random passer-by.
"Hey, what are you doing? You don't come until... Oh, whatever. I have to introduce you first." snapped narrator, getting annoyed that from the start story wasn't going like he had planned it.
"You already did." said passer-by showing narrator a line from the script.
"Nah, that isn't him." said random passer-by.
"Personally, I think Random is a strange first name, could we change it to..." begun Passer-by.
"OH, just SHUT UP!" interrupted him Narrator, feeling beginning of a massive headache. "Why did you say that he isn't Harry Potter? I can see the scar from here." he said pointing to the person with unruly black hair.
"Well, from the introduction Harry Potter sounded as a person caring about everyone, and him... well just see for yourself." said Random Passer-by with a shrug, walking away from Narrator who clearly didn't want his help.
"Ah, a mystery. A person looking like Harry Potter but acting nothing like him. Is it an evil twin brother? Clone from another dimension? We'll just have to come closer and observe..." Narrator said to the camera, like you see people hunting dangerous animals do, after which he begun to sneak closer to...
"Wait." Narrator said with a start. "Why is there a camera in a written story?" he asked while turning to look at the cameraman, who was giving him a sheepish smile. "Could everyone go to their proper place and wait for their turn? I have enough of random characters wanting to get some screen time, thank you." after which people from various places, like seats at the restaurant or bar, even some from the audience, and hiding places like garbage cans and... "When did we get to a theatre kind of place with a street in the middle of it, a bar and... OH, WHATEVER!. Just move along... And bring back proper decorations.", gathered their things and moved out of the screen.
Narrator, after heaving a deep sigh and checking that we are again at Hogwarts, continued with the story.
Harry Potter indeed didn't act like someone even slightly concerned about other people, because even as he was surrounded by a group of people begging for his attention, he just ignored them and went on with whatever he was doing. It looked like he was throwing things around, maybe looking...
"ENOUGH!" Harry's shout caught everyone by surprise. Everyone, even Narrator who got scared and squealed like a little girl.
"I DID NOT! It didn't surprise me at all. As I'm all knowing it couldn't... Hey! What's happening over there?" Narrator asked, again paying attention to the commotion around Harry, which only got bigger when everyone understood Harry again was acknowledging their existence.
"QUIET! One person at a time." Harry said in a tone which clearly stated that if anyone crossed him would die slow and most painful death.
First to come before him was Headmaster Dumbledore, who used his authority and not small amount of magic to trip, confound or block anyone else, to get ahead of everyone.
"Harry, a time came when we must discuss a prophecy regarding you and Voldemort. If you would just come to my office, we could..."
"Prophecy? And you'll probably tell me it states that he wants to kill me because I'm the only one that can challenge him using some strange kind of power we have no idea of..."
Harry didn't go any further because he noticed that Headmaster became distraught at what he was saying, and just begun to try and hush him up. Seeing that he was caught, Dumbledore just gave him an embarrassed nod. Harry just shook his head. He could have expected that most improbable thing he came up with, in his case would be the truth.
"Are we done?" was only comment Harry had for Headmaster. Dumbledore wanted to object, but seeing that everyone got rid of whatever he did to slow them down, and there were some not-so-appreciative looks directed at him, he opted for a tactical retreat.
"Harry Potter, we have to ask your assistance in driving off aliens that are planning to attack Earth." a military kind of person was next one to get in front of Harry...
"I SAID NO...MORE...random...characters?" Narrator tried in his authoritative voice, but seeing as the same murderous glares that sent Dumbledore running were now pointed at him, he thought better of it and begun regrouping and planning a new strategy some couple of kilometres away from those scary people.
"Aliens? What problem is that? They're always the same. Just give them something new to probe, inspect and research, and they'll go back to their home planet to do just that. The more unusual thing, the happier aliens will be. Something like Siamese triplets joined by the hip, who still can do magic show somehow. I don't know, and I don't really care. At least once go figure something out for yourself." at that Military Person saluted and went on with thoughtful look on his face, mulling over what he just heard.
"I have been looking so long for you. I'm Morpheus, and I think that you are the one who will end the war between man and machines. When you will end your training you will be able to change anything you want in the surrounding world..." said person in sunglasses, even though it was dark already, who came out of nowhere.
"Like this?" Harry responded to the cryptic speech by transfiguration random piece of wood to a finely crafted umbrella.
"I didn't know you had this power without our training..." said clearly surprised Morpheus. "This will come in great help when we fight the..."
"If you want to learn about "this power" as you call it, welcome to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Go ask someone to direct you to Deputy Headmistress McGonagall office, so you can enrol yourself to get some classes or simply receive permission to borrow some reading materials. I have enough troubles of my own to babysit you." with that Harry dismissed Morpheus, who was going to find office mentioned above, staring in wonder as he just now noticed other people doing magic all around him.
But before anyone else could come near him.
"Could someone do something about that damned dog? That barking drives me crazy." Harry snapped.
In all the commotion no one really paid any attention to a collie running around the group. Harry threw his arms into the air and grabbed a piece of meat from a nearby table, and gave it to the dog.
Lassie looked at the meat, then Harry, then in the direction of the well, and finally after giving him a look that was meant to say "It's one of your kind that's trapped in the well, AGAIN!" she left with a dog-shrug, and a piece of meat in hear mouth.
Next one in line was someone who legitimated himself as a police commissioner of Gotham City.
"I was advised to ask you to help us with growing count of criminals in our city. Most troublesome cases are Penguin, Cat-woman, Two-Face, The Joker and The Riddler. We simply don't know what..." said this Gordon guy, getting depressed at the hopelessness of situation.
"Wait, wait, wait. You tell me there are people like that, and no television signed contracts with them?" asked Harry after seeing pictures in the files Gordon brought with him.
"Television? What do you mean by that?" replied confused commissioner.
"Just throw fish between the penguin and cat, and film them fight for it. That two face kind of guy would be good for one man theatre kind of show, he can act in both drama and comedy. And those last two would be great at comedy club. Just imagine them throwing lines at each other." Harry commented quickly looking through the data in the files.
"But why would villain want a job in television?" Gordon asked, not understanding this strange idea.
"Just tell them what every parent says. That they can corrupt children through television." Harry said with a shrug walking away from confused commissioner.
But Harry didn't have too much time to go back to his previous activities before another person approached him.
"Harry?" came a timid voice.
"WHAT?" he snapped, having more than enough people who were asking him for help.
Turning around, Harry noticed that it was Hermione who wanted to speak with him.
"Erm. Sorry Hermione, it's just that I'm supposed to not care and snap at anyone." he said, somewhat tired of having to act out of character.
"Yeah, I wanted to ask about that. Any particular reason about this strange behaviour?"
"It appears I'm adopted." Harry mumbled.
"What? You mean Weasley's adopted you?" she asked, overwhelmed with the news.
"Dursley's..." he grumbled.
"WHAT! Dursley's adopted you? How! Why!..." Hermione was getting into a research frenzy, wanting to ask every question at once.
"NO! No, no, no. It appears that I'm a Dursley, but they gave me away when they found out I'm magical, so my mum, I mean Lily Potter, my mums, I mean Petunia's sister, adopted me, since I was a family. That's why I still have to live at Dursley's. To top it off, Dudley is supposed to be my better-normal twin brother... I was looking for a birth certificate which surprisingly is somewhere in the castle, in a secret and highly protected room, and by breaking into it I risk ANOTHER near-death experience." Harry said in one breath, spilling news on already distraught Hermione.
"Is that true?" she asked breathlessly.
"NO! Are you stupid or something?" Harry said getting back to acting in his out of character way, not really caring if he hurt her feelings. "It's just that this wannabe-author didn't write any punchline to this story so I'm spilling random lines." Narrator made Harry add, just now returning to the scene, and thinking that it was good point to end this pointless story.
But unbeknownst to Narrator ("All knowing my ass!"), aforementioned wannabe-author was right now sitting at the console, adding some parts to the story. In a movie it would be the scenes when the credits are rolling, and you hear what happened to the characters later in life.
Military Person found aforementioned Siamese triplets in a form of Crabbe, Goyle and Malfoy, who seemed to be inseparable, and still could do a magic show. They were taken by non existent people in black suits, and presented to the alien race. Aliens were overjoyed with a magnificent Truce gift, and went back to their home planet to probe, invest and research strange earthlings. Last note of Crabe, Goyle and Malfoy was a small part in X-Files.
Morpheus gathered lots of information about magic, and connected it with a way of hacking Matrix, giving everyone logged in a power to change world as they pleased, which allowed humans to quickly overwhelm machines on their own turf. In the end, Matrix ended as a big garbage-like spam box, and with so much information/spam, power, and energy gathered in one place, a disruption in space-time continuum appeared and transferred Matrix to alternative dimension, making it no longer relevant to this story.
Lassie went on munching on her piece of meat, but bit slightly too much than she could chew, and begun to trash around to clear a small bone from her throat. That small bone ended shooting out of her, and one curious person who wanted to see what started all this commotion, went to investigate, and by accident found a person trapped in a well, which was quickly rescued. While writing this part, no animal, human, or anything else was harmed... Well, my space-key is malfunctioning but... Moving right along.
Commissioner Gordon sent some subtle information about secret meeting of villains in Gotham city, to which Penguin, Cat-woman, Two-Face, The Joker and The Riddler just couldn't help but come uninvited when they caught onto it. But truthfully, it was a hearing for a cast of new show, and when producers saw them throwing punches at each other, they just couldn't come up with contracts fast enough. As for the villains, when they heard they could still be deranged people like they were before, do the same crazy stuff, corrupt youth and be paid for it, everything legally, they couldn't see any flaw in that. Of course, if they would step out of any boundaries, there were scores of lawyers ready to back them up. They got a nice deal at a show in which a presenter was dressed in some goofy bat outfit.
What really Harry was looking for you ask? It was his birthday cake, because as uncyclopedia advises, when it comes to dilemmas, best way is always cake.
Narrator was caught drinking at job, because he spent all this time out of scene in a bar, and it was his last mistake in this kind of work. Last news tell that latest work he was doing involved editing line "Would you like fries with that?" a lot.
As for God B. Damned, he finished this line and went to relax, enjoying that random ideas didn't bother him so much any more.
AN. When I'm writing about funny punches in Batman, I'm not talking about newer editions like Dark Knight. Go check Batman Show from 60's or something around that time.