When 100s of men and women walked together, as one unit, it was an impressive sight.
Always.
Their weapons in tight grips, ready to shot and kill.
Ready to follow an order.
His order…or…hers.
Every time she met a troop she sensed that will.
To follow her, to obey her.
Out of fear yet…also out of respect.
No one could have kept count how many lives she had saved since the day of her arrival at the First Order or what was left of it.
In battles on battles, over months, nearing a year now.
No one could have kept count.
She tried.
Which felt pathetic.
Like betraying the path she chose.
Or so she wanted to believe, as there was still a part of the young woman´s heart that couldn´t let go…
Couldn't let go of the old "good vs. evil" religion.
There was so much strength to be found in that believe.
Yet also so much pain.
Death.
Hate…
Life is not about choosing that one road, it´s about enduring every day as good as one could.
Ben had told her that…..and still did…
And most nights she drifted away into the darkness of sleep believing it, feeling better.
Everything felt better over time.
Like the respect and fear of the soldiers.
It was a sign of her power.
That her choice had been right.
At first she lacked any understanding of his plea to wear black.
To dress like….one of the…..other side.
But he feared rebellion among his own, feared that anything else then total respect and fear could put them, put her in danger.
After Snoke´s death the First Order had fallen apart.
Commanders tried to seek planets, even an own empire.
Ben fought all of them, taking over the troops of any defeated enemy.
For peace, finally some peace in the galaxy.
So he said.
She sensed that he told her the truth, that he was honest with her.
Like he always had been since the day she rescued him from Poe.
So she pretended to be hardened by war…which she was.
To be filled with dark, intense emotions when she screamed orders from time to time…which she was.
To enjoy every victory she earned with her men and women that would soon follow her into hell and beyond. Which she did.
She had worked her magic besides being different.
Different inside. Feeling better…
Helping normal soldiers to repair fighters, weapons and droids.
Remembering solders names.
Asking about their families.
There would never be any love. She knew that. She wasn't the young dessert girl anymore.
She didn't want love. From them.
All she could hope for was that those soldiers behind her believed that fight with her would make a difference in the galaxy. For them, their families.
She wanted peace. For all, for him…..for herself…..so much.
And if the price was to choke a traitor who tried to kill her and Ben at a tactic discussion in the name of another former First Order commander it was a price worthy to pay.
She didn't kill him. She didn't kill if she could avoid it.
The man was thrown into prison.
For the rest of his life.
A price worth to pay…for peace…
A price worth to pay to be with him, when the dark night came.
And the voices.
Hearing Poe scream, seeing the fear in the eyes of her former friends.
"I DID THE RIGHT THING! YOU HAVE LOST YOUR WAY!"
She woke up shaking, again.
Ben, who laid behind her, did too.
Didn't say anything. Just opened his arms.
And without thinking, lost in a warm routine, she let herself sink.
To him. To her love Ben.
Rey would soon drift off into the darkness again.