I squinted. Too bright.

A hospital room.

No tubes, no wires…that was good.

"Kate."

Brian?

He was in a chair next to the bed, and he leaned forward and grasped my right hand.

"You're awake."

"MOO." I snarked. Master Of the Obvious.

He tried to smile at that.

"What happened?" I asked.

He wasn't looking me in the eye. "You passed out."

"What aren't you telling me?" I asked sharply, starting to sit up. He put his hand on my shoulder to hold me still.

He glanced at me then down at the hand he was holding. "I really think-"

A woman I assumed was a doctor swept into the room, white coat flaring, followed by a nurse in black scrubs.

Black. That was weird.

No, I could see when she moved under the recessed lights that they were clearly dark blue.

The doctor couldn't seem to remain still and acted as though she was in an awful hurry, so her nametag was always obscured.

"What happened?" I asked again, a little more demanding this time. Somebody had better give me some answers.

"We had to perform a D&C," the doctor stated flatly. Brian's head dropped and he exhaled deeply, looking at the floor. The nurse sucked in her breath, shocked at the bluntness of the statement and its icy delivery.

"What does that mean? Is my baby okay?..."

"I'm sorry," the doctor said coldly, abruptly leaving the room.

The nurse stood there awkwardly for a moment, looking embarrassed.

"I lost my baby?" I had to ask her, because I wasn't certain.

"I'm sorry," she said gently, and gave me a moment to take in the information before adding, "We can't seem to get into contact with your husband. We've tried your home number and he's tried his cell…" she gestured at Brian.

"Don't call him."

"Kate," Brian began, using his warning tone.

"I want to tell him myself! And I don't want it to be here!" I noticed my left wrist was bandaged, and it ached. I assumed I'd smacked it or sprained it when I'd fallen.

The nurse shuffled her feet a little bit and said apologetically, "I'm sorry about Dr. Kyler. She's not usually so... I've never seen her do anything like that before."

I nodded.

Sure. Whatever.

"When can I get out of here?"

She'd given me a look of soft-hearted sympathy that I hated. It made me angry to be on the receiving end of that look.

"I'll make sure you can go as soon as possible," she said.

"Thank you." And I turned away from them, wanting the ache in my heart to go away. Wanting nothing more than for life to just go on as it had been.

Wanting nothing to do with the task ahead of me.

I'd passed out pregnant and woken up empty.

That was the day everything changed.

I can't help thinking that if I'd done things differently maybe things would have gone in another direction. Would have been okay.

Maybe if I'd been more of a man about it….or maybe less of one, I don't know.

Kate had said she'd be home by six, so I'd deliberately stayed a couple of extra hours at Mom's so she could have some time alone. She'd seemed to be really on edge lately.

I knew what had happened two months before had affected her, but she'd refused to talk about it, and I wasn't going to push her. She had the habit of going silent on an issue until she'd worked it through in her own mind and I knew better than to interrupt the process. Besides, I was dealing with my own issues surrounding that day.

When I arrived with the kids at about 9:30, she hadn't yet come home. We got jammies on, brushed our teeth and I read 'The Monster at the End of This Book', and 'Flat Stanley' twice each because Amanda was too wound up to sleep right away.

Mikey was out as soon as I'd put him down. He was an 'anytime, anywhere' kind of sleeper. He regularly fell asleep in his high chair, sometimes in his dinner. After the first time, we'd learned to serve his food a little less than lukewarm.

'Flat Stanley' had become one of my favorites. The first time I'd read it I felt a little twinge of guilt because Stanley Lambchop was pretty damn cool. I suspected if Amanda came to me and asked me to drag him all over town for a school project and blinked those big brown eyes at me, I just might.

I just might.

And I would be obligated to get a picture of him with Faith. And she would laugh and pretend to bite his little paper head off. And I would deserve it.

By the time Amanda had gotten tired of the books, interrogated me about what a new baby sister would mean and finally fallen asleep it was past ten-thirty. I was starting to get a little worried because Kate still hadn't called.

Like mine, her job could turn into an all-nighter on any given day. And after that whole ordeal with Serena I tried to keep myself constantly informed on her whereabouts.

Just as it occurred to me to check the answering machine, I heard her key in the lock, so I ambled out to the living room, fists in my pockets. Tense. I didn't know which Kate would be walking through the door - Happy Kate or Angry Kate...like I said, she'd been on edge lately.

"What the hell happened to you?" I demanded. She was wearing scrubs and had a thick bandage taped around her left wrist.

Dismal Kate.

Pale Kate.

She needed a gentler tone. "Where have you been?"

"At the hospital." Her voice cracked.

"What'd you do?" I took her arm at the elbow and inspected the bandage.

" I lost her."

"Hm." I said, letting go of her arm. "Lost who?" I asked idly, and when she paused, I looked back at her face, which had an expression I never, ever wanted to see again. Ever.

"Our baby." She whispered hoarsely. "I lost our baby."

Here's where I messed up: I yelled at her.

"You didn't call me?!"

She just stared at me for a minute, two consecutive tears rolling down her left cheek. Then she started talking fast, and I missed most of what she was saying because I was struggling with the enormity of it. She said something about being unconscious and the hospital calling here, and I wasn't here, and they'd tried the cell, so...

"Why didn't you call me to come get you? I can't believe you took a cab-"

"Brian drove me home."

"You called Brian, but you didn't call me?"

"I didn't call anyone. It happened at work."

"Why didn't he call me?!"

"He tried."

The answering machine light was certainly blinking. From where I stood, arms crossed, I could see we'd gotten six calls. Dammit. My fault for not checking sooner. Probably just as many on the cell, which I'd left in the car all evening.

It was still there.

I'd failed her again.

The more I thought about it, the angrier I got. Even if someone had gotten a hold of me, there was still nothing I could have done.

I was absolutely powerless in this situation.

And the vulnerability in Kate's face made it worse. For a second I hated her for making me feeling this way.

What I should have done was – ah, I should have gone to her so we could grieve together.

But I didn't.

Because I wanted to stay angry.

Because this was just too devastating and I didn't want to feel it.

So I left her alone.

Without a word.

Because there weren't any.