Title: WHAT HURTS THE MOST
Author: Brokeback Mountain
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I know this song wasn't out during BBM times, but this is fiction folks; deal with it.
WHAT HURTS THE MOST
"Ennis Del Mar?" The postman handed Ennis the package in exchange for the yellow notice that had been placed in his mailbox.
"Yes. Thank you." He took the parcel and read the return address. J.Twist, Childress, TX. A small grin curved the corners of his mouth. He hurried on across the street to his pickup and headed on home, forgetting that he came to town this Saturday morning for groceries.
Once inside his trailer he tossed his keys on the counter, removed his jacket and sat at the small table holding the package in his lap. His fingers wandered over the writing on top.
Jack had sent him something! He had never done that before. In all their years seeing each other they had never bought each other gifts.
He opened it carefully, sliding his fingers under the tape and gently removing the paper.
The box said CD player on it and there was a note attached. He opened it and read it.
"Dear Ennis,
I sure do hope you don't get mad at this but it's something I had to do. I was drivin home from work today and heard this song on the radio. It made me cry, just thinkin 'bout you and me and always havin to say good-bye. Each time it's like losing you all over again.
So I went to the store and bought this CD thing and the player. I wanted you to hear this song and listen to the words carefully. It's all the things I want to say to you but it's said so much better than I ever could.
I know it's silly, you don't have to tell me that; it's just the way I am. I guess you know that by now. Anyway, hope you'll listen to it and hear the words I'm tryin to say cause they are in my heart, Cowboy, and I need you to know them, know what it is I been tryin to say to you all these years. Please pay particular attention to the chorus; it's most important.
I opened it up and got it all set. All you need to do is hit the button that says PLAY.
See you next month.
Regards,
Jack"
Ennis sat the player on his little table and hit the PLAY button.
The player went into the next song but Ennis pressed the STOP button. He stood up and walked to the back of his trailer and came back and sat down. He picked up the letter and read it again. He pressed the buttons and played the song again, listening to every word then shut the machine off.
He stood and went to his bed and laid down, arm folded up over his eyes.
"Jack…..Jack" he whispered, "It just can't be. It ain't right, two fellas feelin like this.
It'd get us killed for sure!" He rolled over facing the wall, bunched a pillow up and crushed it close as the tears slid down his cheeks.
He laid there for a time, body convulsing in sobs, fists pounding the pillow, the mattress.
The words from the song kept haunting him; "Loving you was what I was trying to do."
After a time he got up, went into the bathroom and blew his nose on toilet paper. He washed is face in cold water and caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror; face all red and eyes swollen.
"You stupid son of a bitch, Ennis Del Mar! Look at the mess you've made of your life!"
He held on the edge of the sink and started to dry heave.
"NO! NO!" he pounded his fist on the sink. "It ain't right! I can't do this no more! Can't go on denyin what I am! I'm queer! SO WHAT? Who the fuck cares? Don't make me no less the ranch hand, or the daddy or anything else. Jack's right. It ain't no body's business but ours. Ain't nobody got the right to judge us. Lovin each other can't possibly hurt nobody else!"
Ennis walked back into the bedroom area and picked up the phone. He dialed the number he had memorized but never called in Childress, Texas.
"Twist residence," the voice of a young man answered.
"I need to speak to Jack Twist please."
"Hello, Jack Twist here," spoken in the lilting voice of every salesman in the world.
"Jack fuckin Twist, Ennis Del Mar here. How fast can you get your sweet ass up here?"
"Ennis!" came the breathless reply.
"I ain't waitin till November! You get yourself on up here. It's time we started lookin for us a place. We done waited long enough, don't you think?"
"Ah…Yes, sir, definitely. I can see to that right away. Just have to make a few arrangements on this end; might take a few days. You positive about this product now? It does come with everything you know?"
"That your boy answered the phone? He still right there?"
"That's right."
"I know it'll pain you to leave him but if you still wanna try this livin together thing; well I'm ready."
"That's all I need to hear. I'll make the arrangements immediately. I'll get back to you shortly."
"Just get your sweet self up here as soon as you can. I'll be waitin for you and I promise you this, Mr. Jack Twist, there ain't gonna be no more good-byes; no more walkin away."
Jack turned from his boy and cleared his throat. "And I promise you, Sir, you will NEVER regret this transaction!"
THE END