Mathematics. Equations. Graphs. All of that seems to just fly over my head today. It's hard to say why I'm so distracted. Maybe the impending weekend, or maybe it being the last class makes me drowsy by it's very nature.
Not that I hate it entirely. Without it, science is impossible.
Really, the way they teach mathematics is stupid, putting it bluntly. If only it was taught as intuitively as science my grades wouldn't look like a parabolic function.
I tap on my desk.
My feet follow rhythmically.
The ink flows into a dark puddle.
The last bell rings, singing off the end of the school week. The analog clock seemed to be infinitesimally slow as it ticked down to it.
Quite fitting when calculus is the subject, I suppose. Life has a way of making things poetic when you try to analyze surface level phenomena like that.
I pack up my things, and leave class first. The last thing I want is to be called by the teacher for some extracurricular work. I have enough piled up as is.
The din is quite audible from the stairwell into which I descend, to which the tweens contribute most to. People are pushing each other recklessly on the stairs.
I go down the path of least resistance; or noise, rather.
The monotony of footsteps against asphalt. Another day ends, uneventful as ever.
Really, there is not much I have to look forward to when I go back. Just me and my laptop.
School was the only other place I'd visit apart from being recluse at home. Either from a lack of friends, or lack of want, I did not know.
Life is unfair. Words I repeat to myself on the daily.
I deliberate, wondering whether or not I should talk to friends on my way back. I use the word friends here sparingly.
Most of them can hardly be called that. A namesake thing, I suppose.
Do people ever befriend the others for altruistic reasons?
I wonder that to myself, slowing pace a little.
The sweltering heat does not make this any easier to walk through. It's summer, after all.
The long walk through the school grounds is quiet. Maybe too quiet.
"Hi." A voice greets me. They cup their hands around my eyes from behind. The fingers are soft.
I sigh, knowing instantly who this is. "Karen, you could've blinded me if you weren't careful."
"Hehe, sorry." She laughs, nonchalant. "You looked so lonely walking all by yourself. I thought I'd tag along!"
I look her in the eye. Her deep purple eyes give off a glint of unmistakable mischief. We've known each other for ages, and she does fool around with me often. It's all with good intentions, though. I think I should be expecting this kind of behavior more often from her.
She looks like every other girl in my school, with a sky blue shirt, indigo jacket and an indigo skirt to match. Her fancy black sneakers also stand out, but I conveniently forget which brand it is.
"Not the best day." I sigh, lifelessly. I can only imagine how depressing I sound already.
To be fair, I lent homework to three people, and they all conveniently forgot to bring it to school today.
I'd be fine with it, if it weren't for the fact that my grades were making the Mariana Trench look like a joke.
"Don't worry too much about it." Karen slaps my back, smiling. She tries to lift the mood as she does with sheer optimism. "It happens."
Bad things, mostly. I seem to have a cloud of bad luck chasing me in every endeavor since high school began.
"Happens too much." I reply. "It gets tiring. Everything is tiring." Studies. Friends. And college. A multitude of things my mind can't seem to conjure at the moment, too.
Karen sighs, knowing what I suffer from. She's one of the very few people I trust with that fact.
Dysthymia. I can fake smiles, and everyone won't realize a thing, but I can't run from myself. That's the sad reality.
Not even my parents know. They're too busy working to make ends meet. I can't blame them. Telling them about it would only make more complications.
Even if she won't admit it, she's a natural leader. A supportive one. Especially during moments like this, when her serious demeanor makes me, an already large person humbled by her aura.
"You should take better car of yourself, you know." She looks glum, which is rare to see. "It's painful watching it happen, helplessly, knowing I can't do anything if I'm not around."
Something about the delivery of those words, and the genuineness of it makes me feel guilty for being the cause of her anxiety.
In a way, she's scared of something that I loathe on a subconscious level, as well.
Feeling like being a burden on other people for just existing.
She knows I feel like this, and it's a horrible, vicious cycle.
The wind picked up, letting her fairly long brown hair loosely swaying in the wind.
Ever since playing DDLC, I've tried to be more optimistic and supportive of her, as she always does for me.
The game made me come to terms with a lot of things, for the better.
"Karen... Sorry to make you worry like that." I apologize, as sincerely as I can come off. The last thing I want to do is bring down her with me. She smiles, if only briefly. "Life just feels like a mess, that's all." I slowly walk up to her, sweeping away her hazel brown bangs as I give her a reassuring hug.
She exhales. For being such a hot day, I actually don't mind the extra warmth she emanates during the brief embrace.
The question of who would notice and care about one's presence is one that can only truly be thought of by lonely folk.
So, it feels comforting, knowing at least one person would lament my loss, if I ever were to go missing, for one.
"As long as you take good care of yourself. I won't always be there, even though I try my best." I catch her melancholic smile as she reminds me of a bitter truth.
Karen has been more of my family, than she is a friend, now that I look back on it.
She comes over and helps me with the most menial tasks, even if I don't thank her for it.
There's no incentive, nothing in particular that powers her motives. And for someone so used to a system of equivalent exchange, it confuses me.
But, it's something of a refreshing change.
"I know." I'm the first the leave the hug.
I ruffle her hair, something I've not done in a long time. Probably because the last time I've done it and been this happy in her presence was back in middle school.
Back when my problems weren't things to worry about.
She's taken aback, but she smiles. I can't help but smile too, if only for that second.
She punches me on the shoulder, abruptly. "You owe me ice cream."
I raise an eyebrow.
Did I?
"Someone wanted to buy Rocket League, didn't they?" She smirks, a devilish grin growing. "No ice cream, no co-op." She smiles, knowing victory is hers.
And she's right. I couldn't refuse even if I wanted to. Some things are just better together.
I enter my home, exhausted. I really should get more sleep. I sometimes lament how my floor just so happens to be on the roof, on a day when my lift is under maintenance. On the plus side, I do get some scenic sunsets from out the window.
No one is home, as expected. I flick some switches on. I grab some bread and make a quick PB and J sandwich. For some stupid reason I forgot to make breakfast today.
Now that I've sated my appetite, I can finally go to my room without worrying about collapsing any second.
I mean, sure, ice cream is great, but it works only for so long in 50 degree centrigrade weather.
I push the door open as I sling my bag to the side, where it won't interrupt me for the remainder of the day.
I take a seat on the bed, my mind muddled up with wondering what to do.
Usually, I would pick up the controller and play something on my laptop... But today, something inside of me resists that primal urge of mine.
Not like me at all, honestly.
I lie on the bed, with no immediate plans in mind. The room is slightly dimmed; a preference I've always had, despite the suns looming about.
I stare at my fingers. They quiver.
I quit the mundane act and sit up on the bed, having a little glance at the closed laptop.
It was essentially what one would call my lifeline. Literally everything I did was on it, or my phone.
I uncomfortably wonder if I'm going to become a shut in after I move out. I shake those thoughts away as I grab a book from the shelf.
I grab my headphones from the corner, listening to my custom playlist.
She'll be here in a few hours, so what better way to kill time than read?
Science fiction.
It's probably not everyone's cup of tea, but it sure is mine.
Concocting these stories must be daunting. Keeping things consistent and accurate must really be a pain. I wouldn't know.
As luck would have it, I'm pretty good in the many sciences.
I just don't practice much, is all. Maybe if I turned the time I spent reading sci-fi to my studies, I wouldn't have to worry so much.
And as with any good book, I'm reeled in for what must be hours. I stop where the protagonists encounter a wormhole. If there's ever a point in time where I should stop to process a new environment, it should be now.
Some of that interest makes me want to play Spore. Old game, but it's plenty of fun just screwing around for what it is.
I pry open the lid. The laptop whirrs as it boots up, as slow as a snail. It was old, but reliable. Enough to play VNs like DDLC to just barely getting by Skyrim on ultra low.
If there was ever a time for an overdue upgrade, it was now.
Speaking of DDLC, it was one of those gems that you never expect to change your life. The kind that makes you introspect, and ponder upon the littlest things. If it hasn't happened to others, it definitely happened to me.
Sometimes the universe just conspires against you. Sometimes things won't go your way.
Sometimes things are inevitable.
It's probably a bad idea to touch those topics while I'm already in a messy state of mind.
I decide my phone is worth checking while waiting for the sluggish computer.
A ring startles me as I slowly lose concentration on the screen. A message.
"Is the power out for you too? I'm using my cellular data!"
What?
I couldn't catch who exactly it is, but I do notice from the curtained windows that the entire vicinity is entirely powerless. Except my building. Odd.
Power outages are normal, but in my area we usually get a heads up. Something must've really gone wrong if they couldn't get word out earlier.
Curiosity gets the better of me as I face the door leading to my apartment terrace.
I shield my face almost immediately. The wind is blowing hard.
And hard seems to be an understatement, because I struggle to keep my own two feet balanced.
It spontaneously causes the metal door to slam wide open and against the wall, luckily where I am not.
This cannot be a dust storm. It cannot be the weather either. Whatever is causing it, I cannot see, as I struggle to keep particulates from coming into my eyes.
The sky wasn't the sickly shade of turmeric that it usually turns to when dust storms happen. My mind races.
What the hell can bring in so much dust if it hasn't swept the entire area already? It's barely been seconds!
And what brings down the power grid for a while area?
I run forth, blindly, reflexively, as my urge to quell my curiosity grows. If there was ever a fight or flight response for my body, it left flight alone for quite a while back.
I silently think to myself I'm a little fortunate I'm good at football, or else I'd be in a pickle.
Seemingly like a hurricane, it seems to get calmer as I reach the 'eye' of the storm.
The rising, swirling dust is no longer a problem. But what is in front of me is. I finally open my eyes to see the source. Something feels very wrong. Very, very wrong.
What is in front of me... words cannot do this enigma justice.
There is no string of words that one could put together that aptly describes what I'm looking- nay, feeling right now.
I seem to be ripped apart and somehow compacted as tiny as possible at the same time.
And yet, in front of me is a void of nothingness. Darker than the darkest black, yet surrounded by brightness whiter than pure marble.
My life seems to be both stuck in the moment, yet at the same time feeling like I'm seeing the universe flash before my eyes.
It feels like being born, but also dying simultaneously.
This disparity is confusing.
So much so that I can feel my very sense of self fading.
For the very first time in my life, my eyes and brain are not in sync. I cannot comprehend what I am feeling and what I am seeing. What I am feeling.
I was once told was nothing that is impossible in this world. No one told me to brace for something like this.
I would laugh if I could; I proved the saying, "Curiosity killed the cat."
As I feel my consciousness slip, one last thing comes to mind.
T̢̛ͯ͛̎̔̓ͮ́́͏̹͉̮̼̲̹̭̬̟̞̙h̴̨̜̹̖̹͍̣͕̓̅̇̓̾͂͟ǐ̷̏̑ͥͮ͑̀̊͌ͧ͑ͪ͜҉̡̯̱̘͔̰̙̙̘̥͕̲̤̤̦͇̟̦ş̯̹̯̮̱̰̋͒ͦ̈̃̊ͪͭͬ̽ͤ͗͛ͯ̍͐̉̀̑͢͡͝ ̶̧̛̘̥͈̟̲͓̠̲̟̦̖͇̬̗͂ͦ̀̔ͨ͐ͬ͛͋̊͊̃͢m̵̨̧̻͓̘͕̱̺̺̺̦͖̳̯̖͆ͮ̊̃͟͢u̷̵̷̱̟̥̝̻ͣͪ̓ͯ͐̆ͦ͒̎͐͂̾̓͗͒͋̃s͈̼̗̜̔̓̃̀̊̽̃ͨ͐ͣ̃ͩ̑ͧ̇̚͢͠͝t̨̛̗̦̲̱̬̹̖̟͍͉̖̮̟͕̪̣ͫ͒ͯ̓ͤ̂̋̾ͧͬ̊ͤ̉͆̅̚͘͞ ̶͔̬̦̝̹̰̠̜͖̜͎͓̣͗̂͌͆̆́͝b̋̈́ͤͧͣ͋͛̉͐̽̓̌͐̚͏̶̷͔̩̻̪̣̲̗̳̼͙̮̯͍̼̦͙͖̺́e̹̫̝̣̼̮̪̫̭̮̬̟͔̱͔̰̲̞͋ͦ̊̈́ͫ̀͟͢ ̢͒͌͛̈ͧ̌̽͌͋̏ͩ́̌́̈́҉͙̤̤͙̞̻̱í̙̺̮̹̯̲̫̙͍͔̦̠̝̯̥̲̯̤̾ͧͦ͋̏̐̈̈̀̿ͭ̊ͬ̉̀͑͟͡͞͠ņ͔̺̰̦͒ͤ̄̅ͥͯ͆ͪ͋̎ͮ͐͗ͣ̚̚͟f̶̧͈̰̘̫͙̤̣̟͉̱̗̭̳̄̈́͊ͤ̍ͯ̄̿̓̍ͭ̇͢͜͠ͅͅi̸̸̛̪̣̘͍̮̞̜̫̞̝̞̣͗̌ͣͦ́n̹͓̪̖̭̥͇͐ͩͮͫ͑ͯͨ͑ͥ̓ͦ͌̀͞i̧̓̄̊ͬ͏͍͖̣̼̕̕͘t̷̴̨͉̝̼͕̞̣̳̻̭́̇ͣͥ͂͂̋͢͞ẙ͎̣̝̤̻̦̣͔̝̘̟̺̱̔̎͐̃̍ͩͭͤ̍̌̂͜͝ͅ;̨̲͙̯̣̰̮̫̔ͧ̈ͨͥͧ̏͂ͩ͂ͥͫ̄ͮ͗̈̾̚̕ ̵̧̡̡͈̟̞̖̻̰͓̠̠̫̥̳͇͎ͫ͊̃̐ͧ̑̈̌̚͞t̵̵͈̜̜̤̲̲͎̻͓̪̟̤͔̞̖̪̿̿͂̎̑̉̅ͧ̍̀͐ḣ̞̹̥͎̖͈̼͙̯̋̾͑̍̃̾ͪ̅͌́ͥ̈͛͑͝e̸̢̛̠̼̘͇̩͂͗͗ͥ̉̊̾͌ͧ͌̚̚͝ ͯ̉̒ͣ̓͐̄ͣ̊̓͛̄̇͗̏̌͏̷̤͇̦̩̙̮̞̲͈̟͇̞c̸̸̩̝͍̳̫̳ͫ̄̉̅̈͑̎̃̋̾ͯ́͠o̢͍̺͖̥̤̱͈̱͍̟ͮ̔̒̋͡ͅͅṋ̮̲̖̹̔͌́ͦ͒̎̔ͥ̎̓̎ͬͦ͌́͢͢͞͝c̢͚͇͈̳̣̟̳̖̼̙͈̝̩̩ͫ͂̈́ͯ͗ͨ͐̓ͯ̉ͦ̕̕e̢̺̟̲̮̦̻̪̜͚͚̭̱̠͇̝̒̾̍̓̌̄ͤͪ̚͟͝͠p̷̢͍̤̫̬̖̯̾̆ͯ̉̆͑ͨ͑̎̿̾̒͗ͯ͑ͥ́͜ͅͅt̷̡̲̗̹̲̜̩̙̪̲͎̠̳͈̦̣̖͈̞ͩͫ͆ͣ̊̍͛̉̌̾̆ͧ̍̾̏̍͠ ̵̷̡̬͔̝̼̺̳̼̜̫̜̬ͯ̃ͪ̈́̔̽ͯm̷̶̷̘̳̺͈͙̹̻͓̦̪̤͖͔̟̥̙̊͗ͨ̋͒̎͌̀ͨͭ̈́ͨĕͥ̆̓̅̂ͬ̑́͏̟̺͇̦͔͍̬͕̲̳͈̮͔r̃͛͐̉ͧ͏̷̡͍̼̙̤̜̱̪͕͚̟̝̮͎̼͓͜ͅẹ̙͚̪̙͈̗͇̻̗̙̭͈͙̋̿ͬͭ͑̇́͘ ̪̮̯̗̜̪̝͈͇͚̭͆ͩͮͫ̿̿̉ͩ͡ͅh̜̺̼̙ͫ͌̀̏͋̇ͫ͝͡u̢̎͗̑ͪ҉͇̪͔̼̙̰͈̙͚̱̰͙̬̪̀m̵̛̭͇͙̦̬̻̬̼̬͖̪͎̩̩̄͐ͪ̉̇͑̆ͯ̾ͨ̌͘͞͝ͅaͫ͛͛ͧ̐̔ͨ͂̇ͯ͊̆ͥ̋̃͗ͤ҉̹͚͇̼̼͔͖̝̝̲̬̟̫̫̪̹̞̬́͡n̵̨̘̪͇̝͔͕͙̰͓͈̮̼̪͔̣͖̽̆͌ͩͤ͂̌́͜ͅ ̴̵͇͖̰͈͔̭͒ͧ͋̀̇͜͠m̸̧̮̙̯̝̗̲̥͚̺̝̦̪̹̘̗̼̂ͭ͛ͤͭ̍͋̎̑ͤͩ̏͊̄ͣͯ̓i̷̡ͩ̅̅ͤ͢͞͏̠̪͔͉̯͔̲̮͙̱̜̖̼̝̥n̩̱̮͍̻̣̗̺͈͎͇̮͍͇̣͒͗ͫ̿̃̑͊͒̀̉̃̓͑̾̂͋̓ͮ̕d̸̸̼̻̘̼̗̬̦̺̖̪ͯ́͗̀͢s̷͑̂̍ͫ͗ͭ͆̓̃̊̎͏̶̛͔͔̱͍̹̗̗͇̯̘͔̳̫̹̘̹̰͚ ̷̜̜͚̟͉̞̬ͯͧ̅̈͗ͣͤ̑́̿ͣ̓̔ͪ͒̆ͦͨͮ́ç̷̴̢͚̯͇̹̙̭̉̽ͥ̉ͨ͊̑̌̈̒̑̇ͧ̊ͣ̆̽a̷̧̡̭̣̩̳̺̳̠ͬͮͧ̏n͂͊̇ͯ͌͐̆̔̈́̏͒͑ͤ͐ͥͫ҉͟͡͏̩̗͕͓̼̯̲̞̥̤͕̞͎̮̣͉̦n̸̡̯̹͙͔̰̻̪ͮ͒͛̀͜o̷̡͈͉͉̰̠̬̭͓͎̝̞͛̔̾͊͂̑͘͟͝t̑͊ͯͨͩ̇ͧ͌̔͛ͦ͠͏̳̤̞̥̲̰̻̝͈̪́͟͡ ͥͨ̑ͩ̎̑́̊̈́̚̚͏͖̰͙̯̖͎̞̩͎̲̕g̵͙͔͍̜͉̳͙̳̹̱͎͖̗̯ͩͣͣ̈́̎̇̊ͣͮͩ̅̀́͢͟ͅr̡̨̨̠̝̖̓͌̉͊̃͗͑̑̽ͧ͑̚͟͢ȁ̷̼͇̙͇͓̹ͧ̅ͫ̃ͫ̊̊͑ͬ̈́̑ͤͭ̂̚̚͜s̅͒̇̾̓͐̃͒ͭ̚͏̟̰̹̮̪̱͘͢p̵̴̵̡̲̤̮̩͖̻̘̦̓ͩ̊͆̓͠ͅ.̸̵̛͕̯̪̺͈͈͔̦̭̘̗̰̦̩ͪ͛͗ͪ
A/N: Yes, your eyes aren't deceiving you. After my... quite honestly, ungodly long hiatus, I've come to the conclusion that I've strayed way too far from what I originally envisioned of it. As a result, I'm redoing the chapters, retconning things I found to be, quite frankly, useless, and confusing, and being a bit more true to the image I had when starting this journey with you all.
College has taken its toll on me, and that's all I'll say. My words; or lack thereof, should be enough to say that, while not being the most pleasant thing in the world, has helped me refine and focus on making a far experienced storyteller. I hope I can make it up to whoever is still reading my little work of fiction with this revamped take on the tale I never got to finish. See y'all soon. :)