Somethin' Stupid*

Friday, late afternoon
In the car back to Washington
Mac's POV
It's late afternoon and we are finished. Finished for the day and finished with the investigation. Monday morning we will start putting the case together. I can see Harm is in a good mood. He is humming with the music and drumming his fingers on the wheel once in a while. Sometimes, when it's a familiar song, we sing along. How I love this, just the two of us, having some innocent fun. I don't feel the need to entertain, to be witty, to be responsible for the mood ... I just can be me.
I grab a piece of chocolate out of the dashboard compartment and break it into pieces. "You want some, too?" I ask and am surprised when he nods. Ham is never one to eat much candy but now and then he likes some. It seems this is one of those occasions so I hand over a few chunks.
A few miles later a well known song starts.
I know I stand in line until you think you have the time
To spend an evening with me
Harm starts to sing along and it's not long before I join him.
I practice every day to find some clever lines to say
To make the meaning come through
Together we break into the chorus again.
And then I go and spoil it all by sayin' something stupid like "I love you"
That's when I make my big mistake. I look at him. And find him looking at me, too. With such intensity it takes my breath away. Our eyes lock, we both are mesmerized, completely forgetting we're in a car in a highway.
Suddenly horns blear. Harm looks up just in time to see the headlights coming right at us. We are in the wrong lane! Is it me screaming?

Friday, late afternoon
In the car back to Washington
Harm's POV
I see headlights coming right at us. We are in the wrong lane! I jerk the steering wheel and manage to bring the car into the right lane in the nick of time. Several drivers give way to their righteous anger by honking their horns. In fact, that is what saved us. I was so engulfed in Mac's eyes I completely forgot I was driving.
A few hundred yards further on is a resting area. I park the car and we both just sit there. My hands are shaking and I hear Mac is taking deep breaths to calm herself. Oh Mac, I'm so sorry.
When I finally drive on we are both very quiet.

Friday night
Harm's apartment
Harm's POV
Suddenly I sit straight. Panting and sweating. I still see the headlights coming straight at me. At us. But this time I can't avoid them. I hear Mac scream in the seat besides me. Just before collision I wake up. I head for the bathroom and put my head under the cold jet. Back in bed I grab a book. Going back to sleep again is not an option now. I always thought of suicide as an easy way out for cowards but if I had lost Mac… Let alone if I killed her!

Friday night
Mac's apartment
Mac's POV
I know I won't be able to sleep now. Not after what happened this afternoon. The song. The look on Harm's face. The near miss. His reaction. My reaction. Suddenly, for God knows what reason, I'm back in time. Images from Australia tumble over in my mind. Me asking him to bring our relation to the next level. Harm's stammered words. The bridge. Mic. Mic's smug smile.
Suddenly I rise to retrieve a piece of paper and a pen. I have to know. Like it's one of my cases I start writing. In two columns. Left: the things that happened, my words, his exact words.
Then I begin to unravel. What did he say and more important, what did he mean? What did I read in it and are there other ways to explain his words? That all is written down in the right column.
The results leave me even more confused. Suddenly I remember the scene at the airport. Mic and I said our goodbyes, we kissed. But over his shoulder I could see Harm, walking towards the gate. The Admiral was talking to him. Then he turned and for a moment our eyes caught each other. There was a flash of ... D*mn, I wish that guy wasn't so good in hiding his feelings. What was it? Hurt, sadness, annoyance, longing, love? Or all of them?
Slowly I put down paper and pen and look at my ring. Study it. I move my hand. Sparks flow. I slip it of my finger and place it on the table in front of me. Even for an engagement ring it's a pretty big stone. Heavy. Almost over the top. And it was supposed to be a friendship ring. Rubbing the indentation it made on my finger I slowly see the mark disappear. I fletch my fingers, rub my hands together. It feels strangely good. I pick up the ring and walk over to the bathroom. There I place it in the little bowl I keep on the counter, to store jewellery in overnight or when I wash my hands.
I think I can sleep now.

Saturday morning
Mac's apartment
Mac's POV
Damn, I'm late. After all my thinking and writing last night I slept like a baby. Like things have been cleared up in my head. Not in real life though but at least I have more insight in my feelings. But I overslept and now I'm late. It's almost 10 o'clock and I rush around in my apartment. I want my chores done before Mic arrives. Just when I rinse the last dish and place it in the drying rack there is the knock on the door. Heading for the door I dry my hands, tossing the towel on a chair in walking by. As always Mic is right on time. In contrast to … don't go there now!
He wants to kiss my mouth but I manage to turn my head just a little so his kiss lands on my cheek. He looks a bit hurt but doesn't comment. I give him a smile and smooth my hands. This makes him aware of something missing. His ring. Now he looks really hurt "You don't wear my ring today?"
Ouch, this is not how I wanted it to go. I just need a bit more time. And that's exactly what Harm asked for, back then in Sidney, an irritating little voice in the back of my head pipes up. "Yes, I just was washing and drying my hands," I sooth Mic. "It's in the bathroom waiting for me. I didn't sleep well tonight so I was running a bit late today." Mic's facial expression relaxes. Even though we haven't slept together yet, he knows I suffer from bouts of insomnia. In the meantime I head for the bathroom and his ring. Coming back I slip it on my right hand. I don't need him to do it and certainly don't need a hint to swap it to my left hand. Looking at Mic's face I see that was exactly what he had in mind but again he refrains from commenting. Luckily I beat him.
"Ready to go?" he asks. I nod and grab my purse and jacket.

Saturday morning
Harm's apartment
Harm's POV
Just when I enter my apartment again the phone rings. The red light is blinking as well. I pick up and immediately recognize Renée's voice. She sounds out of breath.
"I already tried to call you several times. I need to talk to you."
"I'm here," I respond, only seconds later realising I should have added a term of endearment. But she don't seem do notice. "You're back in town? I thought you were in Connecticut visiting your parents?
"I still am. My father had a heart attack."
Now I don't hesitate. "O sweetheart. How is he? Can I do something for you? Do you want me to come over?"
"No." Now she hesitated. "No, you don't need to. It was a light heart attack. He is hospital now but they expect a full recovery. And Cyrus is here."
The name Cyrus rings a bell. "Wasn't he you neighbour's kid?"
"Yes. He was." She sounds strangely uncertain, almost stammered. "But … but … well … uhm." I hear her take a deep breath and then she plunges in. "To be honest, back then we had a relation. It ended when I left town to go Washington. He didn't want to come with me. He is a mortician and he was destined to succeed his dad in the business."
I start to connect the dots.
"So he is an old flame of yours. And now you and him …"
An asphyxiated sound at the other end of the line.
"Now you discovered the flames weren't extinguished completely."
Renée sobs "I'm sorry."
Now it's my turn to take a deep breath. It looks like I'm dumped. I don't know what I feel. Offended, sad, relieved? All of the above? I clearly am silent too long for Renée anxiously asks "Harm, are you still there?" I nod, momentarily forgetting she can't see me.
"Harm?"
I don't know what to say and tell her so.
"I'm so sorry," she repeats still sobbing.
Silence rules again. Then she asks tentatively "how do you feel?"
"Numb, I guess," is my answer. There is no use in telling her about feeling relieved and offended.
"I'm so sorry. I wanted to tell you in person but then with my father …"
"When did this happen?" I want to know. Not my business but anyway.
"Two days after I came home we met again. My mum already told me about him. That he had bought the house from his parents, his mum and dad retiring in Florida. That he had no girlfriend. His and mine parents are best friends and always wanted us to be together. Nothing happened, at first. We just had a drink to catch up. He is so handsome now. Then the incident with my father happened and it was all so hectic and Cyrus was such a rock!"
Suddenly she realizes what she is saying. "Harm, you are a very attractive man, too. And I know you would do anything to support and help me. It means more than I can say that you offered to come over right away. I really was in love with you. But ... over time, there is a spark missing that I do feel when I'm with Cyrus."
I know she is right. The spark is missing between us. But I'm sad anyway. I never started a relationship without the intention to make it work. Even though Mac and the rest of my co-workers don't think highly of Renée, she is a sensible and caring woman. She deserves to be loved instead of ….
"No hard feelings?" Once more Renée's voice interrupts my thoughts.
"No," I say slowly. "But I like to have a drink with you when you're back in Washington. It doesn't feel good to end this over the phone."
"I will," Renée promises.
"You wish your father my best. And if there is anything I can do for you, let me know, right?"
"I will do that. You're a good man, Harm," Renée says. Her relief is almost palpable. "And I hope you will find the love of your life some day."
We say our goodbyes and then the line is dead. So that is it. No girlfriend anymore. Note to self: gather all Renée's belongings to give them back to her when we see each other.
I slowly lay down the phone and snort. 'Find the love of your life!' I already found her years ago. If only I had recognized it sooner ... If only I hadn't been so stupid … But I screwed up and lost her. Chased her away. And now she is with someone else.
This brings my thoughts back to yesterday. Maybe I should call Mac to see if she is alright. However, I hesitate. I know she had plans with Mic today. Well, what the h***. I can always leave a message.
I set myself into action. Call Mac and leave a message. Put the groceries away and then use the same bag to collect Renée's belongings. I will give them to her when we meet. She is an honourable woman. She will call when she is back in Washington.
I turn on the radio and start doing my other chores. But then the disk jockey announces the next song and I flip it off again as quickly as I can. I do not want to hear that song!

Saturday afternoon
Mac's apartment
Mac's POV
The voicemail light blinks when we are back. Hitting the button I hear Harm's voice. "Hi Mac, how are you today? Just want to know after yesterday. Bye." Next to me I feel Mic tense. "What happened yesterday?"
I sigh. "We had a near miss. A car swerved into the wrong lane." I'm not going to say it was Harm's fault.
Mic does so anyway. "That guy should know he is not in one of his planes."
Annoyed I react "In fact, if it hadn't been for his quick reaction … I probably wouldn't be here!" I swallow a more sneering comment.
Luckily Mic has an appointment with friends for pizza, beer and God knows what more and leaves shortly after. That saves me the trouble to ask him to leave.

Saturday afternoon
Harm's apartment
Harm's POV
Well, I will see her tomorrow. Our usual run on Sunday morning. If she is there at all. Suddenly I feel uncertain. After all, it is weekend and she has a boyfriend. Maybe she has other plans.
Before ... before Mic it would not have been a question. She would be there; it was a standing appointments. But now … I don't think they have slept together already; I can feel that. Mic is like a prowling animal, hungry for prey. But I fear the moment she will be late, or doesn't turn up at all. Then I will know he was with her that night.
I jump to my feet. Sitting and thinking and imagining would do me any good. I need action. Surely my kitchen can use a good scrub. I think of turning the radio on but decide against it. With my luck there will be only one song on every station all day long and it will be the song I do not want to hear.

Sunday morning
Mac's apartment
Mac's POV
It's 5.30am and I'm wide awake. Sunday morning means running with Harm and I'm so looking forward to see him. I hop in the shower for a minute and slip into my running outfit. Nothing fancy, just a top and shorts. I put on jogging pants and a sweater on top of it, eat a few bites, not too much, and visit the bathroom once more to brush my teeth.
When I'm about to leave the bathroom my eye catches something sparkling. The ring. Mic's ring lying on the counter. For a moment I contemplate leaving it there. Not wearing it at all. Not wearing it ever again. But then I change my mind. I don't want Harm to know. Not when I'm still … what ever it is I'm doing. Stalling, I guess, is the best description. Anyway, I think I have to end things with Mic properly before ... before moving on?
I slip it on my finger, grimacing at the unwelcome weight. Then I grab my stuff. At 6.10am I'm on my way.

Hours later I'm back and park the car. Running was good. Just running, not thinking. Not thinking about the expression of … I almost would call it relief on his face when I showed up. Like he had had doubts whether I would.
We ran. And had coffee with bagel. And chatted. Just like any other Sunday. But underneath there was this constant stream of tension. I caught him looking at me a few times. What was he thinking?

Late Sunday morning
Mac's apartment
I know I'm late. Well, later than usual. And that's not your d*mn business. When I return from my run with Harm Mic is there. Uninvited. And he is not happy I kept him waiting and wastes no time in telling me, almost demanding to know where I have been.
"I'm going to take a shower" I interrupt him and all but march to the bedroom, resisting the temptation to lock the door. I grab a change of clothes and disappear in the bathroom. This time I do lock the door. Moments later I stand under the hot jets and finally relax. A little, that is. My mind is running a thousand miles an hour. Why am I so angry Mic showed up unexpected? With Harm I never am and Mic is supposed to be my boyfriend.
That's when another realization hits me. With Harm I never feel the urge to lock doors. In fact, I probably would have left the bedroom door ajar while I was changing so we could keep on talking. With Mic I not only closed the door but also took my clothes with me in the bathroom, locking that door. I always feel safe with Harm; he never will take advantage. With Mic …
When I'm back in the living Mic still has a few words to say. Or rather, a lot. And they all are about the same subject. Harm and my relation with him.
"You were with him, weren't you? Don't you see …? "
I don't listen anymore. Until now I knew Mic doesn't like Harm but now I realize how much he hates him. How much he wants Harm out of my life.
It seems Mic's tirade has come to an end. "As for now, it is my ring you are wearing and that SOB has to understand that!"
That does it. Slowly I take the ring of and place it on the coffee table.
"I was wearing your ring. I'm sorry, Mic, this is not going to work."
This may be an expensive ring, the expression on his face is priceless. He gasps for breath and look like he is ready for another reaming out. But I beat him to it.
"Don't, Mic!"
For a moment I think he doesn't hear me. But then he seems to deflate. He bends over and picks up the ring. "Are you sure?"
"Yes," I nod. And I am! I am!
"Right," he says, an ugly smile around his lips. Involuntarily I strain my muscles. If he is going to attack me, I'm ready. But he brushes by me and heads for the door. On the doorstep he turns for a final smirking comment.
"If that's what you want, fine! But don't come to me when you're feeling lonely again."
The door slams behind him. I release the breath I'm holding and walk over to the window. Hidden behind the curtain I watch the parking lot. I don't want Mic to see me but I need to be sure he is really gone. Sure enough, Mic is looking up to my windows. Then he gets into his car and drives off, tires screaming.

Sunday afternoon
Harm's loft
Harm's POV
I'm restless. Running was not enough. Oh yeah, we ran our usual distance and had a coffee and a stroll afterwards. Nothing out of the ordinary. But now I'm restless again. Like yesterday, I decide action will be the best medicine. I told her I was planning on working on my car in the afternoon and that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Sunday afternoon
Mac's apartment
Mac's POV
Well, that's settled. Mic is out of my life. Now I only have to figure out a way to get Harm into it. As in: totally into it, not only as a friend but as boyfriend, lover and as time goes, hopefully more. I'm not going to show up at his door. Not going to ask him again. Ambush didn't work the first time and I doubt it will a second time. Besides that, I want him to make a move as well. If I make an invitation, he will have to accept. Loud and clear.
My apartment is suddenly too quiet; I turn on the radio. The disk jockey announces the news and afterwards the new hour of easy listening music. "And don't forget to request a song for the one you love," he ends before an advertisement jingle sounds. Absentminded I hear what he says, then my head jerks up. A song for the one you love? Isn't this the channel Harm always listens to when he is fiddling with his car? And that's what he planned for this afternoon, he told me so. Most likely he will be in his garage working on his 'vette.
Instantly my mind is made up. I grab my cell and wait, ready for action. As soon as the disk jockey names the phone number I key it. Luckily I'm through the first time. Quickly I make my request. The man on the other side of the line asks my name but I don't give it. If … no, when Harm hears the song, he will know. If he doesn't, I don't want other people to hear and guess.

Sunday afternoon
Harm's garage
Harm's POV
Working on my car usually relaxes me. But now, after an hour, I'm still wound up. I contemplate stopping but sitting in my apartment doesn't appeal to me. Reading, mwah, no. Fiddling with my guitar … no. Having a beer … way to early in the day. Besides, when did alcohol start to be a solution to problems? Going for another run? Yes, maybe that's a good idea. I need something physical, more physical than twisting gears and oiling car parts. Another physical activity comes to mind but I push the thoughts away before they fully can form. I stretch my back and look at the car. I will put in the last parts, I decide and then go for run. The radio is still on but I hardly listen. Until ... is that my name I hear? Yes, it is. The disk jockey says it again "Now we have a request for Harmon Rabb, from a mystery lady". Then I hear the first notes of an all too familiar song. Almost breathless I listen till the last words sounds over and over 'And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like I love you'. Even when after the disk jockey has moved on to the next song I still hear them in my head 'saying something stupid like I love you'.
Mac! This must be Mac's doing. It has to be from Mac. I grabble for my car keys but then I realize the 'vette still is missing some vital parts and the SUVs' keys are sitting in my apartment. I rush upstairs to get them. Inside however I realize a quick scrub won't hurt either. And I can't show up in old ratty shorts and a T-shirt covered in grease. So ten minutes later I leave again, all clean and fresh, in snug fitting jeans and the polo I know she loves.
On my way I contemplate buying flowers but decide against it. After all, I'm not sure it was Mac 'calling' me or that she meant what I think, hope, pray for she means.

Sunday afternoon
Mac's apartment
Mac's POV
Since 20 minutes I pace my living. Correction, 23 minutes and 15 seconds.
23 minutes and 15 seconds since the song I requested faded away.
23 minutes and 15 seconds to scold myself for my stupid action.
What if Harm didn't hear it?
What if he did, but thought it was not for him?
Or worse, did hear it and doesn't feel the same?
Will he show up? It's only a 25 minutes drive from his place to mine.
Or won't he and do I see him tomorrow morning. Maybe with a casual 'I heard your request on the radio, Thanks, but no, thanks'. If that's the case, I'm out. On the first available TAD or reassignment. I feel my stomach turn at the mere thought. 29 minutes and 18 seconds now.

Harm's POV
The elevator to slow for my liking, I run up the stairs. It takes me a while to get my breath under control. After all, I drove the distance from mine to her place in less than 20 minutes. I really hope I won't get a ticket.
Now I knock. After a few seconds I hear footsteps. The door opens. Shit, I thought about everything except what to say to her.

Mac's POV
He is here. He is here! He is here! For what seems eternity we stand and stare at each other. Then he croaks "can I come in?"
"Of course," I stammer and step out of the way. The bang of the closing door makes both of us jump. I swallow and wet my lips. Please, Harm, say something!
And then he makes his move. Not saying something, after all he is a man of action. But this time his actions are quite right. He makes two long strides and then I'm in his arms. His arms! He holds me like he is not prepared to let me go. Ever! Which is good since I'm not prepared to let him go either. Ever!
It takes me a while to realize he is speaking now. I look up to his beautiful face. "Sorry, Harm, I didn't listen. I kinda ... zoomed out," I blush. "It feels so good to be in your arms."
Luckily he is not offended. I don't think I would survive if we had an argument now. He smiles. "I was saying it is probably a stupid thing to say so soon but, I love you."

The end

*Sung by Frank Sinatra