Denial, a bones fanfic

She's drunk when she kisses him for the first time. It's the Christmas party and Angela and Hodgins are celebrating their real engagement so everyone is drinking and laughing and smiling, except for her. She is sitting in the corner on her fourth glass of eggnog and thinking that everyone else is leaving to spend time with their family for the next two weeks. Her father is in jail and her brother is still missing. Christmas morning in jail, what a way to celebrate she thinks taking another gulp of eggnog.

Her head is fuzzy when she stands minutes later and she briefly wonders whether or not she should stop drinking before refilling her glass. Drinking and holidays go hand in hand, ask anyone. She's already downed over half the glass when he takes it out of her hand. She doesn't remember what she mumbled, but she's pretty sure it was somewhat witty or at least meant to be somewhat witty. He does laugh, but she suspects it was more at her than with her. Then there's the comment about how much she's had to drink and she should go home. She doesn't remember agreeing, but somehow she ended up in his car at her apartment. He comes up to her apartment with her and after she throws (more accurately falls out of) her coat she somehow ends up on top of him. Looking back on it she remembers that she tripped and he caught her, but at the time it seemed more like some force was guiding her towards him. This is when it happens.

At first he doesn't respond and she's about to pull away, but then she feels his hands on her head and he's kissing her back. Her head is still foggy so it takes a moment to register that he is kissing her. He is kissing her. She pulls back as if shocked and looks at him. "You should go," she whispers and he attempts to say something, but reconsiders and walks towards the door. This is wrong runs through her head on a continual loop and she ends up falling asleep on the couch. When she wakes up the next morning she knows everything has changed and she doesn't know what to do.

They don't talk or see each other for the next two weeks. He spends the time with Parker and his parents and she identifies the bones of WWII soldiers. She sees her father and he asks about Booth, saying he assumed they were spending Christmas together. He has this smile that mirrors the one Angela gets whenever she talks about Booth. The smile confuses her and she attempts to find evidence behind it. Well, logical evidence. She comes up with nothing and is convinced that her father may be losing his mind in prison. When she says this he laughs and says something about "her mother's approach to love". She doesn't know what this means, but after she leaves she takes out her phone and is on the fourth ring before she hangs up. Funny, she thinks, she used to do this in high school with the boy she had a crush on.

He was tall and played baseball. His name was Jared or Jason, or maybe Bryan. It was before anything happened. When she was still Temperance, Russ Brennan's little sister, instead of Temperance, that poor girl whose parents disappeared. She met him her first day of high school and he was two years above her. The calls always took place when the sun set and she would curl the phone cord around her toes as she listened to it ring. She never spoke though and would always panic when he picked up. She hasn't thought about this boy in years and it feels weird to think of him now. But she pulls out the phone again and hits redial. She doesn't even let him finish saying "Booth" before she snaps the phone closed. She feels fifteen again.

"You called me. Twice."

He's been back for three days and she had just thought that they were okay when he says this. They're in the car on the way to a crime scene and he says it in the middle of her telling him he doesn't possess the necessary elements that make up a safe driver. She stutters for a few moments before pursing her lips and defiantly replying "Yes. So." He looks at her for a minutes and then says that she doesn't need to be defensive. She stutters again and is then silent. She is never silent and she hates not having the last word, but she doesn't want to talk anymore because then he might bring it up. She is a professional and that is what matters, at least she hopes that's what matters.

Two weeks go by before he actually brings it up. They've just solved a case and she's in a good mood so they go to the diner. They order coffee and pie and while they're waiting on the pie he says "You kissed me". He's a little red when he says this and she notices that he is staring at the table. She rarely sees him embarrassed and is a little surprised that she is more focused on this than what he has just said. Then she comes to her senses and she too suddenly finds the table fascinating. However, then he says "You don't remember" and her head snaps up.

This is her chance. There, right in front of her is an out, an easy, logical out. Of course she doesn't remember. She was drunk. Easy, simple, to the point, and there is scientific evidence backing it. Drunk people always forget things. And it was a mistake, a stupid, drunken mistake that she can now make go away forever. She can nod, apologize, and for good measure add in an embarrassed expression. This is her nice, easy plan, which is why it doesn't make any sense that she said, "No, I remember perfectly."

They avoid each other for a week after the diner. He asks Zach for help on cases and she works on identifying the bones of several men found in Mexico the month before. When they finally do run into each other, it is done in the literal sense of the words. Her files go flying and his coffee spills all over her white blouse. He follows her to her office and she doesn't notice him close the door and the blinds. She turns around fully intent on yelling at him for ruining one of her favorite blouses, but is cut off by his lips on hers. The kiss lasts for longer than it probably should and when they finally pull back she has forgotten why they came into the office in the first place.

He suggests that they date and she doesn't know how to respond. He said he was worried that they might become partners who cross that line and have it get out of control and to keep this from happening they should date. She doesn't know what this means, but when she asks Angela (who swore she wouldn't tell anyone and had already guessed anyway), she just shook her head and replied "He doesn't want it to just be sex Brennan." This throws her for a loop to the point that she actually has to confront him about it.

They're at the diner (which doesn't count as a date because they are working) and she says "Why are you worried this will just be sex. We haven't even had sex." He chokes on his coffee and after several loud coughs manages a strangled "What?" Rolling her eyes she goes into the explanation about what Angela said and Booth looks a little pale when she finishes. Then he takes her hand and begins to say things she doesn't want to hear. Things like "they have a bond" and "he feels differently about her than any other girl he's dated." Then he explains that he's seen other partnerships fall apart over this because they aren't serious about it. He wants to be serious and can see having a future with her. At this point she's almost positive the walls of the diner have actually begun to move and are going to crush her. She jerks her hand back and stares at him for a moment in shock before getting up and going back to the Jeffersonian. She reaches her office and sinks into her chair and begins crying. The scary thing is that she might actually want that with him. The scarier thing is that she might have just lost any chance of that. The scariest thing is she might have just lost him.

There's a new agent assigned to the Jeffersonian. His name is Bill Richards and when she first meets him he asks her to call him Bill. She hates him immediately and tells him this. He attempts to pass it off as a joke and Zach, thinking he just misunderstood, explains that she doesn't joke about things like this. The man just forces a smile and asks what they have for him. He doesn't trust her estimate of age or her discovery that the victim was a ballet dancer. However, the victim's id comes back an hour later. Valerie Day, danced ballet since she was three. Bill is silent for the rest of the day and doesn't come back, instead he relies on phone calls and text messages.

After a week of Bill she decides that she needs to take action and does so in the form of three tequila shots Friday night with Angela. Angela is getting married (this time in a legal, well planned ceremony) in two month and is beginning to panic so she talks her into going to a nightclub. However, instead of dancing she uses the buzz she has to take a cab to his apartment. She stumbles up the stairs, but stands perfectly straight as she knocks on the door. He answers on the fifth knock and has obviously been sleeping. She walks straight in and tells him that she doesn't like dating. She finds it to be messy and dull. She also finds love to be this way and tells him this too. He asks what she thinks they should do then and she replies that they need to "go back to normal." She waits for his smile and agreement, but they don't come. Instead he says he can't do that and asks her to leave.

Two months is a long time not to see someone that she has grown accustomed to seeing everyday. She is moody and mean and snaps at Zach, Angela, and Hodgins at least three times each day. Cam offers to give her vacation time and she refuses. She then offers to talk, since she too has dealt with romance with Seeley Booth. It takes all of her self control not to stab her with one of the many tools lying next to her hand. She hates how she feels and she hates that she feels this way. Men do not define her and should not impact her this much. They kissed twice and she's more messed up than she's ever been over a man. She attempts to tell herself that it is because she lost a friendship, but it doesn't work. The word "future" hangs over her head wherever she goes and every once in a while drops little ideas in her head. She doesn't do long term whenever other boyfriends wanted to talk about the future she dumped them. She needs to focus and get back to work, but she can't seem to get her mind off the word "future".

After another week of silence she breaks. She goes to his apartment and prays that he's home. He is and the first thing he says is that he hopes she isn't drunk. She doesn't laugh and instead kisses him as soon as he closes the door. He kisses her back and she wants to laugh because she hasn't seen him in over two months and suddenly she is in his apartment kissing him. He stops though. He has this look of desperation and anger in his eyes that makes him look a bit mad. She knows that he is waiting for her to either leave or say that she wants a future too. These are the only two options that he sees. She doesn't see these two though.

She knows that it is cruel and unfair to ignore the fact that he has made it clear what he wants. He was honest and she hasn't been, but she doesn't care. She needs to stop feeling helpless and pathetic and standing in his apartment with him she knows that she can't walk away. But she can't date him; she cannot have this "future" that he talked about. That would be just…. she doesn't quite know, but it scares her. So instead she takes a few strides across the kitchen again and kisses him. She knows he knows that she isn't giving in, but he kisses her anyway.

They have turned into exactly what he didn't want and they both know it. They work cases again together and at night they are in each other's beds. But there are no dates, no dinners, and no romance. There is just the two of them falling into bed together whenever they have a free night. It is needy and it is pathetic and she knows it. Half the time she doesn't even stay the night with him. But she made a choice and she has to live with it, no matter how difficult it is getting.

She sees him talking to Cam one afternoon and the scene makes her blood run cold. He is handing her coffee, but she sees the way his hand brushes hers and the way Cam is looking at him as she sips the hot drink. It looks like a clip from a romantic comedy about love in unexpected places and office romances blossoming into more. It makes her feel sick. But she doesn't have any rights. She gave all of them up months ago and now they are stuck in this weird limbo where they're sleeping together but technically aren't together. At least she assumes they aren't. They've never really discussed it, mostly because that's what she wanted. Wants. That's what she wants.

She goes to the grocery store and a man flirts with her while she picks out lemons. He's a lawyer and she is still angry so she agrees to go on a date with him. The restaurant is boring and the lawyer really has nothing more to offer than good taste in wine. She leaves the date feeling empty and guilty. She drives over to his place and when he opens the door she surprises herself by saying, "Let's actually try it."

There are rules though; there have to be rules. She makes no promises about dating him. This isn't a new romance novel and God knows she's smarter and more cynical than any Jane Austen character. They are not epic and this is not a tale to tell their grandkids. It is just dinner along with the sex they were already having. He is grinning though. He is grinning a lot lately and whenever the go out to dinner he looks happy. She hates this because it is beginning to make her grin too. She hates couples that look so damn pleased with themselves and she fears that they are becoming one of those couples.

They are a couple though. It takes her three weeks to admit this. They are a couple. He is her boyfriend and she is his girlfriend. It takes her another two weeks to admit this. They have actually settled into a routine and people know about them so things are normal. It takes her another month to admit that she is happy.