What could have been?
One man watches and remembers the little things that could have led him to be the one standing there…. Marrying her instead of the other.
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I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok
But that's not what gets me
I watch, what more could I do…it's not in me to stand up and ruin it for them. How could I when I was meant to be their friend. So I watch, I nod and I smile at the right moments.
Catherine clutches my arm time from time as they exchange their vows, smiling like fools at each other without a notion that anyone besides them were here.
It stabs at me when I think it could have been me… I could be standing there in bliss showing everyone that she was my world and nothing would change that ever. But it's not, it's him someone I have called my friend and co-worker.
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do
I remembered the day she arrived in Las Vegas, she strolled up to us me and him and I knew that nothing would be the same again. We flirted, it was playful and it was easy… I was never the same after she arrived and I was grateful for that but I never told her… I never dared.
The cases got hard but we comforted each other… though I drew a line one that I wish I could go back and erase from time. She dated but those guys were never enough and I knew it deep down that she was never happy with them not truly.
But now looking at them so happy to be promising each other to the other I knew it was never her fault that I wasn't standing up there nor was it his fault it was mine. I could have been there if I wasn't such a coward. She made it clear on more then one occasion it could have been me who went to bed with her each night… me who held her when the walls fell down.
But that was never meant to be… I made myself believe that because it made more sense to everyone else that they belonged together and I was never the hero to tell them that it should be me.
It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' It
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
I left the words unspoken… but she didn't, never her. The invitations the hints but I chose to ignore them… made her believe they were just calls for help but they were anything but.
I knew when it happened between them… the day they couldn't live with out each other; I was so wrapped up in my world to think anything had changed between me and her, between him and her. But it did and my world fell… the fear of losing someone so close to you and never have that person know that they mean the world.
They kept it hidden… their relationship, I wanted to believe it was because he was ashamed of her but the truth was they wanted it just for them, no one else was in their relationship… theirs alone. My first clue should have been when she stopped dropping hints… stopped the invitations, but I thought we entered a new game.
Then they would seek each other out after a hard case, hang close together in the break room but I didn't want to see wouldn't let my self see and it seemed the other CSI's didn't see it either.
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
I think back to when it started between them… I haven't been able to think about much else. He lies on the bed of a motel, talking as she showers. She would step out with a knowing smile and knee beside the bed caring for him so much, she would reach out and take his hand.
He would stop the nonsense and pull her to him and kiss her gently as though she would break before they would make love. They would share glances, small smiles meant for the other. Little hints about their intimacy, their hidden love from the world.
She would ask him to drop by after work or he would decline another invite to hang out with the other guys just to race home to her. He would scold her for being reckless she would kiss him better.
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
Then it all changed… the miniature killer, she changed it all for us. I drove in to my work and missed the changes that time brought the couple, the longer then necessary touches, the whispers.
I saw the final scene and my heart froze and I know his did too… she was out there somewhere alone and broken. I didn't understand why he raced first to Brass, his cell attached to his ear as he searched for her. We all knew why it was Sara who was chosen why it was her broken body that was seen beneath the car. At least it was clear to me but Catherine gave him that look… Warrick assured him that everything was going to be ok.
Her car still parked in her usual spot… her phone flashing his number, his voice filling her messages. But why him… why him and not me.
It was three days before we found her… and it seemed it wasn't just finding out where Sara was that my co-workers had discovered either, it was something a lot bigger, and I understood all when I found him crying, and Catherine clutching him tightly to her while Warrick paced waiting for more news.
He never broke down like that… she was his friend dammnit, that's all my mind ever allowed her to be. She was mine… I had always wanted her but he cried as though she was his alone.
But I understood then… she was his and not mine, he had done something I never had the courage to do, he let her in and she refused to leave.
She lay broken in the hospital but alive… and he sat there promising in hushed whispers to never let her go, that she would never leave him again. I stand there relieved just like the rest but unlike the rest my heart was breaking… which she knows, for she caught my gaze only once and for a moment I saw her eyes twinkle.
Hope within me was quickly crushed when she gave a small shake of her head and turned back to him, kissing his hand and smiling only for him it seems.
Not seeing that loving you
That's what I was trying to do
We stand now, it's over and their fate is sealed. Mine is sill open but broken, I watch with fake smiles as they turned to everyone hand clasped together as though it was their life line.
She is beautiful and always will be to me… but I lost her and all I could ever do is imagine it's me who was laying on that motel bed… it was me who she asked to come with her… it was me who searched without a care for her… it was me she smiled for when she woke.
But it never will be.
"I proudly introduce Mr Nicholas and Mrs Sara Stokes" The preacher had no idea he was proudly introducing my heart break. But no one notices as the newly weds slowly move down the aisle. Her eyes catch my for the briefest of seconds and we both see what could have been… and I know in years to come she will tell me that we never would of have made it this far, she would never have been my wife. But for now I dream… I dream of what could have been!
The end
I've been away from the CSI writing for a little while but I'm back now and here's my first GSR angsts (only a little) and a whole lot of SNickers also I wish to express my displeasure at having found out that Sara sniff is leaving.
Please review or just enjoy.