There are moments that the words don't reach
There is suffering too terrible to name
You hold your child as tight as you can
And push away the unimaginable
They had finally, finally cemented their land on the ground. Without bloodshed or backstabbing. Talking through treaties and coming to a good compromise that worked for both parties, and then they went their separate ways, free from impending doom. They were all free to create their own village, and they couldn't be happier.
Because the Ark was so steeped in tradition, they decide to still call it Arkadia, even if it leaves a bad taste in almost everyone's mouth, and Abby and Kane are crowned joint Commanders.
The land around them flourished, with the lush green being changed to accents of the pinks, yellows and purples of flowers; the 100 were in love. This is what the group had dreamed about before their disastrous landing on the ground 2 and a half years ago. The beauty was overwhelming. They began to create their village, cutting down the remainder of the Ark for scrap parts, using the scrap metal to create log cabins for the residents. Their names all went into a ballot, and when a cabin was done, names would be pulled out and the house was now theirs. Abby and Kane were adamant that they wouldn't make the same mistakes the Ark made, segregating their people based on class.
Bellamy remained in charge of their military, now smaller and non-lethal, and Clarke began running the infirmary in her mother's absence. The pair forgot how nice it was to only be in charge of themselves, and a small group of others, as it finally allowed them to focus on themselves, and their budding romance. The once hidden and almost forbidden relationship the two had for the better part of a year could finally become something sustainable, something that they could depend on, rather than stolen kisses behind trees at night, or small caresses under the table at meetings. The day they kissed in front of their friends for the first time, there was cheers coming from Jasper and Monty, squeals of delight coming from Harper and Raven, and Clarke is sure she heard the distinct sound of coins being passed from one hand to another ("Well, of course we had bets! You guys we're almost catatonic, we wanted to see who was right in guessing when you two would finally admit your feelings for each other and just fuck." "Raven, the two of us have been sleeping together since fall last year." "Oh my god. Jasper get back here; you owe me money!") And they were sure that they could not get happier, their people were safe and happy, well fed and flourishing, her relationship with her mother was the best it has been since she was a child, and Bellamy was hers.
It was obvious that the Ark's contraceptive implants were going to stop working at some point, but Clarke didn't realise that the first one to stop working would be hers.
"Uh, mom, can I talk to you for a second? I promise it won't take long." It was 6 months since the treaty, six months since her mother was crowned Commander, and six months since Clarke and Bellamy had been having sex on a pretty regular basis. Clarke's hands were shaking, so she folded her arms, placing her hands under her armpits to try and hide the shaking and the sweating of her palms.
"Sure sweetheart, what's wrong?"
"I'm not 100% sure, but I think I might be, uh, pregnant." The last word came out as a whisper, Clarke clearing her throat.
"I don't trust anyone else with taking my blood to test so I was wondering if you could do it for me?" She was on the verge of hysterical tears. Her mother was speechless.
"Of course sweetheart."
And she was right. Her mother had told her she's around 8 weeks along, gave her a bone crushing hug while trying to slyly wipe away a few stray tears, and let Clarke go on her way. Clarke was numb. She somehow made it back to her and Bellamy's tent, (Bellamy was adamant that they should wait their turn for a cabin "We don't need it right now anyway. When our names are drawn from the ballot, that's when we will get one. We aren't more deserving than anyone else Kane, you know that.") She walked in and sat on their makeshift bed, stoic, until Bellamy arrived from his scout a few hours later.
"Hey Clarke." Bellamy greeted while taking off his boot at the flap-door of their tent, his back to her.
"Hi." Clarke's voice cracked from emotion and disuse.
Bellamy whipped around to look at her, taking 2 big strides to kneel down to be at face level with her.
"Clarke what happened, what's wrong? Is it your mom? Octavia?" Bellamy's voice was full of alarm, his brow knitted together.
"Bellamy, I'm pregnant." She whispered. His eyebrows shot up in surprise.
"Pregnant? I thought-"
"My implant stopped working. My mom said it stopped around 3 months ago. She said I'm around 8 weeks along. I didn't realise, I was too caught up with the med bay and Raven's 21st birthday I just," Clarke sentence just ran off into silence.
"And how do you feel about it Clarke?" Bellamy grabbed Clarke's hands, which were lying motionless in her lap.
"I don't know. Bell, we've done so many terrible things. I never thought that we would be granted something so perfect and pure, but what if we mess it up? What if it's just a big farce and we have to deal with the aftermath? I never thought that I would be, allowed to be happy, and have a family, and now I'm given one and I don't know how to fell about it. I'm so confused Bell." Her voice began to quiver as tears began to spill down her cheeks. Bellamy looked up at her, using a hand and placing it gently behind her neck and pulling her down until their foreheads were touching.
"Clarke, everyone down here has done things they aren't proud of. We did those things to survive, and we have paid for those mistakes tenfold. You deserve, we deserve things that make us happy. And you know that those things can't just be each other. And I promise you, that I will be here for you, through absolutely everything, as long as you want me, Clarke. I'm never going to make you question your feelings for me, I promise you. I will look after you and this child until my last breath. I will do everything it takes to make them proud of me, proud of us. You're not alone Clarke, not anymore. You have your mom, and Raven and me. Please believe me."
Clarke was full on bawling by this point, tears running hot and freely down her blushed cheeks. She moved her head to the crook of Bellamy's neck and pulled her hand from his to throw them around him, pulling him tight against her.
"I believe you." She whispered.
Bellamy and Clarke were going to have a baby.
The pair didn't really think that telling everyone should be a big deal, but apparently it was. Because the minute she started showing, the whole village was a hot bed of gossip. Not that there was much to gossip about; her and Bellamy were in a committed relationship. Her friends were over the moon for her, but it also meant that people hovered. And she hated it.
"I don't understand! There were plenty of pregnant women on the Ark and they weren't made to feel like an invalid! I mean, we went to visit Octavia and Indra just last week and there was a heavily pregnant woman fighting! And then there's me; every time I pick up a damn plate someone's there to ask if they can take it for me. No! I can carry the plate myself!" Clarke whined while laying on her side on the bed in her and Bellamy's new cabin. Clarke fought tooth and nail against her mother for giving the newest cabin to them, until Bellamy calmly told her that I made sense to give it to them, they were going to have a baby, after all.
"Clarke, you know you're complaining about people being nice to you right?" Raven told her, her legs propped up on the small desk in front of her.
"Yeah I do. It's dumb. I just want people to treat me like I'm normal, un-pregnant me."
"Clarke, people are excited, and anxious. This is the first baby born on earth for us. Its massive. Just let people be a little excited, okay? I'll make sure to let them know that you can carry your own dinner plate from now on."
"Clarke, you gotta be chill about this, okay? People depend on you, no matter how much they all don't want to admit it. Just let them think they're helping you, and if it's still pissing you off by the end of the week, Bellamy and I will crack some skulls for you. This brace is incredibly deceptive; I can hurt people."
Her friends realised early on that just two people could handle pregnant Clarke; Raven and Bellamy. It didn't matter how hard the rest of their friends tried, they couldn't help but treat her like glass.
Clarke rolled onto her back, stretching out her stiff limbs. She placed her hands on the top of her small belly, smiling slightly. Raven moved from her perch on lumpy chair, and walked over to Clarke, placing her hands on Clarke's belly before saying,
"This kid better be good with his hands. Because he is gonna be a mechanic. I've been whispering buzzwords to your belly when you've been napping. His first work is gonna be engine. Or Raven. Either one is good with me."
On the night of their son's birth, the entire village of Arkadia experienced their first of many sleepless nights. Raven hadn't been able to perfect soundproofing the med bay, so Clarke's guttural screams could be heard far and wide. Until, just as dawn broke, she gave one more powerful push and the first baby of the sky people to be born on the ground was welcomed into the world. Clarke (and the rest of the camp) sighed in relief that it was all over, and looked up to Bellamy through watery eyes, whose eyes where just as watery, smiled down at her. Her mother brought her son over to her, holding back tears of her own before handing her grandson over to her daughter.
"I'm so proud of you sweetheart. He's perfect."
Clarke was sure she had never seen anything as beautiful as the first glance down she had of her son. He was red and squirmy, mouth open and wailing, making Clarke's chest contract. Bellamy knelt down, looking between his son and the love of his life before placing him hand behind Jacob's head and kissing Clarke's temple.
"I'm in love, Bell."
"Yeah Clarke, me too."
Clarke handed their son to Bellamy while she was being cleaned up, turning her head to face them, watching Bellamy fall more and more in love with their son the longer he held him. Octavia was the first to visit, and burst into tears at the sight of her brother holding her newborn nephew. She walked over to Clarke first, hugging her fiercely before slowly making her way over to Bellamy. She stopped a few steps short, unable to make it the rest of the way. Bellamy stood up and walked the remaining distance to his sister, placing his son into Octavia's waiting arms.
"O, meet your nephew, Jacob Lincoln Blake. Jake, meet your Aunt Octavia."
Octavia looked up at Bellamy with cloudy eyes before looking down at her nephew, a fresh batch of tears falling from her eyes.
Octavia was a constant fixture in her hospital room until she had to head back with Indra, eyes almost constantly captivated by her nephew. Friend after friend came in to welcome the newest Blake, congratulating the two new parents.
Clarke was allowed to go home 4 days after giving birth, with Jake securely in his father's arms. The new family walked slowly back to their cabin, closing the door firmly behind them. They lay Jacob in his bassinette, crafted by hand by Raven and Miller,
"You better appreciate this, Blake. I made it with Miller, and you know I hate Miller."
"The feelings mutual Reyes." Miller replied, leaning over to kiss Raven on the cheek.
Jacob fussed for a few seconds before falling back to sleep. Both Clarke and Bellamy remain unmoving, watching their son as he slept, his small frame rising and falling with every breath.
"I can't stop looking at him. I know I should sleep, my mom told me should sleep when he sleeps but I just can't. He's so perfect Bell. And he's ours." Clarke whispered, looking up at Bellamy.
"He is."
Bellamy and Clarke established early on that there was no reason to get married. An outdated earth ceremony didn't make them married; their relationship did. They were married in every sense of the word; a worthless piece of paper didn't change their relationship. They were husband and wife, even if they didn't have a piece of paper to prove it. They had a family, and extended group of friends that they loved dearly and their friends love them in return.
With each changing season, Bellamy and Clarke's son flourished. The minute he began to toddle around their cabin, both Bellamy and Clarke knew that Jake was going to be a force to be reckoned with.
His giggles constantly filled the camp, when he was chasing ladybeetles in the meadow near the entrance to Arkadia, when Bellamy would hurry after him, catching him and hoisting him up onto his shoulders, Jake's chubby fingers pulling painfully on Bellamy's curls, making him wince, but let his son continue to do it. Jacob had everyone in the village wrapped around his little finger, and they all wouldn't have it any other way.
Jacob was 3 years old, his dark curls almost identical to his fathers, brushing into his eyes almost constantly, but Clarke was too attached to them to cut them properly. His favourite fruit was raspberries, he was only a little bit obsessed with Octavia's horse Athena, and depending on who asked him he would say his favourite was definitely "Mama, oh and Daddy!"
The mischief that shone in Jake's eyes scared Clarke beyond belief, reminding her too much of Bellamy when they first reached the ground. She vowed that she would never be one of those mothers she saw in the old movies on the Ark; the ones that hovered too much and kept such a tight rein on their children they never fully get to experience a childhood. So, despite her better judgement, she would let Bellamy or Miller take him out on scouting missions, and she take him with her and Monty when they go out looking for plants out of a medicinal plant textbook that somehow made it to the ground. But Bellamy toed the line when he suggested bring him along on their diplomatic meeting in Ton D.C.
"Bell no. I trust Indra with my life, and obviously Jake's but I just, can't."
"Clarke, it would be good for him. He misses Octavia. And you know he's going to miss us if we're gone. Clarke if you love him you will let him go. Both of us will be there!"
"Don't you dare use my love of our son as a bargaining chip Bellamy. Just let me think it through, okay? I Just don't think it's a good idea."
"Okay, but we need to let your mom and Kane know soon, okay? I've got to go help Miller with one of the cabins. I'll see you at dinner." Bellamy kissed Clarke's forehead before exiting their house.
"I love you Bell."
"Love you too."
Bellamy left Clarke to her own devices, making a mental pros and cons list about bringing Jake with them to Ton D.C. She does miss her son terribly, but the fear imbedded in Clarke's bones will never waiver, for her people and her son.
After Miller came to talk to Clarke about bringing extra people "just in case" and a letter sent from Octavia, Clarke begrudgingly agreed to bring Jake along with them, much to Bellamy's glee. He ran over and picked up Jacob early from Abby's cabin, grabbing the giggling toddler and bringing him over to Clarke.
"Guess what Jakey!"
"What, daddy, what!"
"You're gonna come with Mommy and Daddy to Ton D.C. this year!"
Jacob let out a high pitched squeal and ran straight for his mother.
"Mama, do we get to see Aunty Octavia and Athena?!" Jake looked up at Clarke though his long lashes, reminding her so much of Bellamy. She reached down to pick him up, hoisting him on her hip before replying,
"Yeah baby, we will. And Indra, and you get to see the city for the first time, how exciting is that?!"
"I'm very happy mama. Daddy told me that there are so many horsies there. Will they let me pet them?"
"Yeah baby, I'm sure they will." Clarke looked from her son to Bellamy, him miming thank you to her, before coming over and kissing her soundly on the mouth.
The day before they left for the 3-day trek to Ton D.C. Clarke was a bundle of nerves. She knows she shouldn't be anxious about the trip; Bellamy is going to be attached to Jacob, and she know that everyone that is going are willing to lay down their lives to ensure the safety of her son, but she couldn't help the feeling of impending dread that coiled itself in the pit of her stomach.
Bellamy, Clarke, Miller, Bryan, and Jacob were all travelling in the rover, meaning they would make it to Ton D.C. a day before the rest of the group. They left early in morning, Jake snoring lightly on Clarke's shoulder, drooling slightly. Clarke smiled at the sight of her son, kissing the crown of his head before adjusting him into a more comfortable position for both of them.
The five of them made it to Ton D.C. with time to spare, going to the hut that they were calling home for the next 4 days. Octavia ran up to them, dropping to her knees so Jake could run over to her and give her a hug, grabbing her face in his chubby hands and planting wet kisses all over her face (a thing he has been doing since he was two, and they're pretty sure that Jasper taught him because he knows how frustrated Bellamy gets when he is covered in his sons spit.) Octavia laughed, picking him up and walking over to Bellamy and Clarke, giving them one armed hugs, still holding onto Jacob, his head resting on her shoulder and both of his hands wrapped around her neck. Miller and Bryan decided to let the small family catch up, so left to get settled in their cabin.
It was dinner time, so Octavia invited them to eat at her small cabin, not letting go of Jacob once, even when he would grab at each spoonful of her stew, taking small vegetables and bits of rabbit from it and shoving the pieces of food into his own mouth. Clarke and Bellamy was both happy to be baby-free when eating, savouring the bites of the warm stew, without having to swat a chubby hand away is a welcome change. They talked with Octavia about the constant changes at Arkadia, how everyone's going, how Jacob's flourishing in the environments. They all missed Octavia terribly, and always relished in their time spent with her; Jacob looking up at his aunt though his long lashes, so much like Bellamy's it made Octavia's heart constrict and pull her nephew closer. She has never loved anything more in her entire life than she loves her nephew, and she would do absolutely anything to provide him with a safe environment to grow up in.
The day of the meeting with the governing group of Polis, Clarke and Bellamy awoke early to prep for the day ahead of them. They were bringing Jacob along to the meeting with them, so they needed to pack a rucksack full of all the things they need for the day. Jacob stirred around dawn, so they dressed him for the day, and decided to show Jacob around the city, while it was quiet. Jacob's eyes were constantly filled with awe, craning his neck to look up at the towering buildings, Bellamy using a hushed voice to inform him of what they were. They walked through the cobblestone streets, nodding at the residents who are setting up their stalls for the trade day, Jake's chubby hands pointing at buildings, continuously asking Bellamy "Daddy, what is that one?" even if he had just told him. Bellamy had such patience with this son, it made Clarke's heart swell with love for her two boys. She leant over and kissed Jacob's forehead, before reaching up on her tiptoes and kisses the corner of Bellamy's mouth.
The group were meeting the council until 12, and the rest of the group weren't arriving until at least 10, so they decided to go back to Octavia's hut, waking up Miller and Bryan and inviting them to breakfast. The sat around the makeshift dining table Octavia had in the middle of her kitchenette, eating freshly picked berries and oats, discussing key pints to bring up at their council meeting. Jacob was so excited to finally see what his parents actually did all day, and that excitement meant he was extremely hyper, running around Octavia's hut, pulling on Miller or Bryan's sleeves asking for a raspberry or for them to play with them. By the time they group had finished breakfast and had cleaned themselves up, with Clarke having to rub the raspberry residue off of Jake's chubby, flushed cheeks, they headed to the main building in the centre of Polis' hub. Clarke squared her shoulders, and the group headed into the building.
Jacob was grumpy the entire meeting, his face screwed up in a scowl, and huffing every time someone from Polis opened their mouths. When the council decided on a break two hours through the meeting. Octavia suggested taking Jacob to hers; her portion of the meeting was over.
"Bell, I would love to spend time with him. No offense, but the two of you hover over him like a bad smell. I want Aunty Nephew time."
Clarke sighs but agrees. Jacob waves goodbye to his parents, giving both of his parents wet kisses on their cheeks, and left with Octavia. They continued their meeting, discussing the export of different clan's foods and goods, agreeing on times and places for 'markets'. Their meeting was interrupted when an ear piecing scream broke from outside the building. Both Bellamy and Clarke, ever the carers shot up, and started running down the stairs, bursting through the doors and ran towards the sound. Clarke's stomach twisted, as it always does when she knows someone's hurt, and prepares herself to be in full blown doctor mode. Both her and Bellamy ran to the outer ring on stalls, where the screaming was coming from. The sight that greeted them made Clarke crumble.
Octavia was hunched over something, someone clutching at the small body. Clarke lunged forward, looking over Octavia and saw something not even her worst nightmares could conjure up. Jacob was lying on the ground, body contorted, a small dagger still sticking out from his tiny chest. Clarke screamed, falling to the ground and grabbing at her son's body. She touched his face, his chest, anywhere, willing him to move to prove that he was alright. Instead, he stayed completely still, body limp in Clarke's arms. She continued to scream, Bellamy walking over slowly and crumbling next to Clarke, his hands shaking as they hover over his son's body. Sobs racked though his body, screams he didn't realise he was letting out fill the air, combining with Clarke into a song of grief. Octavia stood off to the side, face, soul and heart broken, watching the two people she loved the most mourn the only light in their dark lives.
Bellamy moved his arms to wrap around Clarke and his son, placing his hand on Clarke's, before she tore it from Bellamy's grip, looking up at him with daggers in her eyes, before saying the words that sent ice through his veins,
"This is your fault."
The trek back to camp was one of the hardest things Bellamy and Clarke have ever, and will ever do. They refused to bury their son in unknown territory, so they sped in the rover to make it back in time to lay their son to rest in Arkadia. The whole drive (which took them 1 and a half days; Bellamy refused to stop to sleep) Clarke stayed in the back of the rover with the body of their dead son, stoking his face and crying over his body, not once talking to Bellamy. Miller and Bryan decided to give the small, crippled family privacy, but radioed back to the camp to let them know what happened, Raven letting out a strangled sob before ending the transmission and setting up for Bellamy, Clarke and Jacob's return.
They pulled up at the gates, Bellamy getting out of the rover and opening the back of the truck, and along with Clarke, made the walk over to Raven, both of them silently crying. They buried him in the meadow behind the main camp; his favourite place to cry. Raven spoke few words, before Monty and Jasper began covering up Jake's small, cloth wrapped body with dirt, and leaving Bellamy and Clarke to grieve.
Clarke didn't look Bellamy in the eye, always pulling her hand from his grip each time he tried to hold them, and turned her head to the clear, blue sky.
"Clarke," Bellamy's voice broke, looking over at Clarke, willing her to look back at him.
"Don't." Clarke replied, her voice thick with grief, still looking up at the sky.
"Please. Clarke, look at me."
"I can't."
"Clarke, tell me what is wrong so I can fix it. Please, I can't lose you too." Bellamy looked over to Clarke, moving over so he's standing in front of her.
"It's your fault he's gone."
"What, I don't- "
Clarke exploded, "It's your fault! You were the one who convinced he it would be a good idea to bring him, even though I knew it wasn't a good idea! You were the one who convinced me to give him to Octavia! It's your fault out son is dead Bellamy! There is nothing you can do to bring him back!" Clarke was full on crying, tears streaming down her face, snot running from her nose.
She left Bellamy alone, walking away, her arms wrapped around her waist, trying to hold herself together.
Clarke moved her things from her and Bellamy's cabin, deciding to stay with Raven for the foreseeable future. Bellamy returned to the cabin that used to belong to him and his small family. His eyes swept over the small house, landing on a wooden horse that he whittled for Jacob's second birthday. He crouched down decide it, his hands ghosting over the horse's head, before he bowed his own head and cried. Cried over the loss of his son, cried over the loss of his soulmate, cried over his world crumbling down around him.
Clarke blamed him for their son's death, and he couldn't blame her. It was his fault that Jacob was where he was. During Jacob's birth, Clarke was adamant she wasn't going to survive it. She kept repeating "Bellamy, you need to promise to look after our child. Do whatever it takes to make sure they're safe." He had promised her, and he had broken that promise. He couldn't look after his own son, how was he expected to look after Clarke, look after the camp? He had failed in his role as Jacob's father, and he will never be able to forgive himself for that.
It had been almost a month since Jacob's death, and Arkadia was slowly healing, dealing with the fact that he won't be coming back. Clarke and Bellamy hadn't seen each other since the burial, Clarke throwing herself into her job at the clinic with her mother, and Bellamy doing the same with his job. Every night at dusk, he would walk around the camp, picking wildflowers and placing them on Jacob's makeshift grave, before continuing on his walk. No one would bother him, leaving him to his own devices as he walks. Clarke does that same, only at dawn, her boots wet with dew every time she walks slowly to her baby's final resting place.
Clarke liked dawn. Everything was quiet, the sky a wonderful pink, the cold grip of the night still hanging in the air, the temperature allowing her to think. She took a deep breath in through her nose, the frigid air burning her nostrils. She closed her eyes and let out a broken sigh. The sun broke through the trees, letting her know it was time to head back to camp and start her day. Before she turned, someone cleared their throat behind her, snapping her back to reality. She knew exactly who it was before she turned.
"Bellamy, you – "
"Clarke please hear me out, please." Clarke didn't say anything, so Bellamy continued.
"I know you blame me for what happened, and I blame myself for it too, but please Clarke. You know if I could trade his life for mine I would do it a thousand times over. And I know you're grieving, I am too, and I'm not going to pretend to know what you're going though because he was your baby, but he was mine too, Clarke. I lost my son too. Everything you are feeling I am feeling too. I need you Clarke. Please let me be there for you. Just let me help you through your grief. I know I can't replace him. There is no way we could replace him. But let me stay here by your side Clarke, please. I love you so much, I can't bear to see you in this much pain, knowing that I caused it. Please, Clarke." Bellamy's tone was pleading, his eyes conveying the emotions his words couldn't say. Clarke's expression was pained, a stray tear sliding down her cheek.
"I miss his smile, Bell. I miss everything about him. I wake up in the morning hoping to see his face and I just see, I see nothing. There is nothing there. I tried to think of his voice and I couldn't. I've forgotten his voice. I don't want to shut you out anymore. I'm so sorry I blamed you, it's not your fault, it's not your fault. It's not your – "
Clarke took one step and collapsed into him, heaving sobs wracking her body as she cried. Bellamy slowly lowered them to the damp grass, holding onto Clarke for dear life, cradling her head and kissing her temple as he also cried.
They stayed like that for what felt like eternity, the one forgiving the other, and finding comfort within each other's embrace. They both knew that nothing would replace the gaping wound in their heart left by their son, but they knew that they could heal and try and move past it; together.