Con-Fusion
Written by Katsushiga Hoshibi
Convention. A noun explaining a formal assembly of similar minded individuals expressing a common concern and/or interest.
Confusion. Commonly used as a psychological state of impaired orientation with respect to time, place, or person.
Both of which are strangely relevant to this story. The place is PortCon, Maine, year of our Lord, 2007. The persons involved shall be revealed shortly.
Of primary concern is one Uchiha Itachi, a character from the anime called Naruto. PortCon was an anime convention in Maine. The following events detail what may or may not have accurately happened as well as alternative endings depicting good and bad ends for many of the individuals involved.
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Hustle and bustled flowed through the modern two towered inn as the convention hit full tilt on Saturday. In one small corner, Uchiha Itachi stood with a simple sign reading 'rogue ninja for hire.' In smaller print, a short wish list of 'Naruto Uzumaki and/or Kyuubi' completed his display. His black cloak with red clouds stood out darkly against the off-white walls. To his side, the sound ninja medic, Kabuto, stood impatiently.
"This is rather pathetic, you know," he commented to the rogue ninja.
"Akatsuki is about capitalism and making money when we can. It gets our name out."
"I don't remember Orochimaru teaching us this," Kabuto sneered. Along with Anko, he had been on Itachi's team years ago when the three were genin. It may not have been canon, but con logic isn't.
Itachi sighed as he watched the various people walk by. One individual, L from Death Note, caught his attention. The shrewd S-class criminal thought of something clever to get his attention. "Catch Kira for you, sir! Catch Kira for you!" The fake British accent added a touch of sophistication- if not Oliver Twist- to his attempt. L glared at Itachi as he walked by.
"Ha! What are you going to do next? Offer to polish Kankuro's puppets?" At that moment, Kankuro and Temari just happened to be walking by.
"Wax your puppets, sir! Wax your puppets!" Itachi looked hopeful as the two passed.
"…Isn't that a rogue Konoha ninja?" Temari asked.
"Just keep moving, pretend you don't notice him," Kankuro replied.
Gloom fell over Itachi. No one wanted to hire his services. The best job he had acquired was driving a couple emo kids to iHop earlier that day. As a difficult side note, it had disturbed Itachi how Apple had bought out the pancake franchise earlier that morning.
As Itachi was about to throw away the sign, a female Naruto sporting fox ears and a tail happened to stop in front of the sign. With remarkable similarity to a moth being attracted to a flame, Kyuubi-chan leaned in to read the smaller text. Kabuto and Itachi looked at each other with that 'I-can't-believe-she-is-actually-doing-this' grin as they turned to the girl.
"Hey! I happen to be BOTH of those things!"
Itachi shot a look to Kabuto before shouting, "Grab her!" The two former Konoha shinobi were capable of restraining her with little to no difficulty. For extra measure, Kabuto used his medical ninjitsu to sever her leg tendons.
"So. You've caught the Kyuubi and now you can put the tailed beast inside of you. I guess this means that-"
"Rogue Ninja for Hire! Rogue Ninja for Hire!" Itachi continued to show around his sign, oblivious to his former teammate. Kabuto visibly twitched.
Meanwhile, Kyuubi-chan had hatched a plan. Balls of tears welled up in the corner of her eyes, she made her own sign reading 'Save the Kyuubi or Hire Itachi to Do Your Bidding' with a Kyuubi-chan chibi in the corner. It would appear that the two would soon do battle again.
"Save the Kyuubi! Or hire Itachi to do your bidding," Kyuubi-chan called out. She was confident that if Itachi could be hired to do some other task that she could hop away to freedom in her cripple state. The plan wasn't perfect, but it would suffice.
"Oy, why do you keep covering up the 'r' in 'your'? People will get the wrong impression," Kabuto commented.
"Huh? What do you mean?" The Kyuubi blinked and tilted her head.
"…Am I being hired to do Kyuubi or the customer?" Itachi turned his gaze to his comrades. Kyuubi-chan shivered and made distressed fox sounds.
"Th-the customer! Not the Kyuubi," she commented. She waved her sign around to more people. "Save the Kyuubi!"
"Meh. Don't save the Kyuubi. It's the same as trying to save the whales. It's their own fault that they're delicious," Kabuto sighed.
Time passed slowly as the trio stood on the corner trying to land Itachi a job. No one wanted his or her puppets waxed, tails fluffed, or Kira found. Then something miraculous happened. Sasuke Uchiha, as a girl, stopped to read the signs.
"Oh! Sasuke, help me!" Kyuubi stared at Sasuke with large, sparkly eyes.
"Itachi, I must kill you! Grand fireball no jutsu!" Sasuke leapt back, ignoring the plight of the Kyuubi before releasing a fireball. Itachi and Kabuto both leapt to the ceiling, narrowly avoiding the blast.
"Wait, are we cosplaying or are we the real characters?" Kabuto raised an eyebrow in confusion.
"…You forget the first rule of this story. Con logic isn't," Itachi responded.
"Okay, fine then. Why is there fifty Itachi running around?"
"Shadow clones."
"Which one is the original?"
Itachi blinked. "We forgot which one of us was the real one."
Kabuto sighed as he adjusted his glasses. The day was just getting longer and there weren't any good panels until much later in the afternoon. For the moment, he had no other option but to join Itachi and his wacky high jinks.
"We need to capture the Kyuubi so that I can put it inside of me. Or so I can put myself inside of it. I forget which one it was."
"Well. Think of it this way, is Kyuubi a spirit or a mecha?" Kabuto landed on his feet next to Itachi as he looked around, realizing that the Kyuubi and Sasuke had fled.
"She's a spirit, and with her, I will become the Shaman King," Itachi declared.
"Now you're even confused with what anime you're from," Kabuto sighed. "Any case, let's go after her before some other Itachi kidnaps her."
The two ninja raced down the hall, chasing after their target. Bursting into the game room with kunai drawn, they expected to find their fled Kyuubi. Instead, Sasuke was failing at Dance Dance Revolution. Itachi approached her with a quarter drawn.
"My brot- er, sister, I will give you this shiny quarter if you help me track and capture the Kyuubi you just made me lose." Itachi smiled as his ingenious plan took effect. Sasuke's eyes went large at the shiny quarter.
"Shiny…" Taking the quarter, Sasuke smiled up at her brother. "Okay! Let's go, onii-san!"
Racing out of the room, the trio searched high and low for Kyuubi-chan. Past the perilous bridge of doom, over the river and through the woods, sneaking deftly past the dangerous furry panel, and by simply walking into Mordor, Sasuke and Itachi continued their quest. Completely unbeknownst to them, Kabuto had been eaten by a dragon, but no one liked him enough to care.
"Do you think we'll find the Kyuubi, onii-san?" Sasuke continued as she stared into the shinyness of the quarter. The two had inadvertently found themselves back into the game room.
Itachi looked around, dejected and annoyed. "She must be around here somewhere." Then he spotted his query, right next to the DDR machine, sketching absent-mindedly. The two made quick steps up to Kyuubi-chan.
"Oh, I was wondering what happened to the two of you," she calmly stated. As Kyuubi-chan continued to draw, Itachi stepped forward to capture her, pokeball at the ready.
"It's about time I caught myself a nine-tails," he stated as Sasuke stepped in his way.
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Alternate Ending #1: Suddenly. Zombies everywhere.
As Itachi pulled back the pokeball to capture Kyuubi-chan, annoyed that his sister/brother would dare to stand in his way, something outside caught his attention. Millions of zombies had descended upon the convention, determined to eat as many brains as possible. Itachi rushed outside to better view the threat.
"I was wondering where you were," Kabuto commented, having successfully navigated his way out of the dragon with great thanks to Lemmiwinks, the Gerbil King. Drawing two swords, he rushed forward to engage the zombie hoard.
Grabbing a conveniently placed naginata, Itachi grimly smiled. "It's zombie time," he calmly stated before rushing to cut down the first few of the hoard that shambled their way forward.
From the sky, a voice boomed. "You must have come here for a reason. Defeat the zombie hoards and solve the riddle behind this occurrence."
"No one cares about that, we're here to kill the zombies," Kabuto yelled as he cut down a few of the hoard deftly and without missing a beat.
Several hours later, a pyramid of zombies lay at the feet of the two shinobi. They may have lost track of what their purpose was, but con logic isn't.
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Alternate Ending #2: Misa Appears
Itachi glared at his younger sister/brother with menacing eyes. Unbeknownst to him, another pair of red eyes were observing the odd events. As though God himself condemned the unusual scene, Sasuke grabbed for the air before falling over, never to move again. Kyuubi gasped as well before falling to the table, never to breathe again.
Elsewhere in the convention, L had been enjoying a muffin. If only he had hired Itachi to find Kira for him, for he, too, fell over, never to move again. He was to never to crunch on delectable pocky nor to down a delicious bottle of Ramune. With his last breath, he cursed the rogue ninja.
Kankuro fell to the ground, never to rise again, for failing to think of asking L to find Kira. For an unknown reason, being offered to have his 'puppets waxed' was somehow suggestive.
Bodies fell everywhere around Itachi. The somewhat surprised ninja looked around apathetically. Then the blond haired, gothic Lolita launched herself from the shadows and glomped Itachi.
"Itachi-sama! Misa-Misa killed everyone for you! Now Misa-Misa can have you all to herself!" She giggled innocently and nuzzled the ninja.
"Well. Con logic isn't. Besides which, I could get to like this." The two walked off into the sunset, never to be seen by living eyes again.
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Alternate Ending #3: The Itachi Stalker (the bad fan-fiction becomes worse ending)
"Itachi-sama! Pay attention to your younger sister, who also loves you!" The lack-luster and overly energetic battle cry sent a shiver through Itachi and raised a bewildered look in Sasuke. It was then that the random Konoha ninja collided with Itachi.
Grasping for air and attempting to claw away, Itachi looked to be in great pain. "H-help me…"
"Oh no! You won't be getting away this time, Itachi-sama! Your little sister who also loves you is going to keep you FOREVER and EVER." The girl dragged a very pitiable and panicked Itachi through the large doors, which slammed shut after her.
Sasuke scratched her head. "Does this mean I won?"
"No, it just means that we're not going to ever talk about this again and forgot that Itachi was ever alive," Kyuubi-chan commented as she drew with her crayons.
"Why is that?"
"Simply put, Sasuke, Con logic isn't."
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Alternate Ending #4: The Scooby Do Ending
As Itachi put away the pokeball, intent on dealing with Sasuke in the normal, brotherly sort of way, the ghost of PortCon rushed past. Sticking out a leg, Itachi successfully tripped the apparition. After a series of Rube Goldberg device escapades, complete with laugh track and trapping the ghost in a barrel, the chase had ended.
"Now we'll truly see who's behind the ghost of PortCon with horrible furry panels," Itachi announced as he pulled off the mask of the ghost. "In truth, it was Farmer McGregor!"
"Hold on, Itachi," Kyuubi commanded as she strode forward to the old, bearded farmer. "It isn't Farmer McGregor at all, it's actually," she said as she pulled the mask off to reveal the true villain, "Kabuto!"
"And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling kids and that talking Kyuubi," he cursed as the con security pulled him away.
"Well, gang, it's time to get in the Mystery Machine and go off to our next wacky adventure," Itachi announced.
Sasuke shook her head. "Wait a second… now we're a horrible old cartoon parody?"
"You forget, younger sister. Brother. Whatever you are. Simply put, con logic isn't."
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Alternate Ending #5: Killing Marcelo
Itachi and Sasuke glared at each other, while Kyuubi continued to absent-mindedly draw. The two drew kunai and sized each other up. Then something unexpected happened. The pay phone rang.
Kyuubi answered the phone. "Hello? Oh… It's for you," she said as she handed Itachi the phone.
"Is this the rogue ninja?" The voice sounded full of static and unrecognizable. "I have a job for you. Find and kill Marcelo. Then I will make my presence known to you," the voice commanded as it hung up.
Putting away the phone, Itachi raised an eyebrow. "I was just hired to kill Marcelo." The rogue ninja turned his back and walked out.
"Does he even know who Marcelo is? Wasn't he going to do something important?" Sasuke held her head in confusion.
"This was the non-fiction part of the story," Kyuubi commented as she admired her artwork.
"Eh?! Weren't we supposed to at least respect the fourth wall?"
"You forget, Sasuke-chan," Kyuubi mentioned as she glomped her cohort. "Con logic isn't."
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Alternate Ending #6: The Bad Shipping Ending
"Wait," Kyuubi interjected as she stood up. "This is all for nothing, because I've decided upon something. Itachi-sama cannot capture me." Sasuke and Itachi both raised their eyebrows in disbelief. "For he has already captured my heart."
Everything else faded out as Kyuubi and Itachi stood on a pink background with white cherry blossoms floating about. "Itachi-sama, if I profane with my unworthiest hand this holy shrine, the gentle sin is this; my lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand to smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss."
"…You've got to be kidding me," Itachi commented, his eyes hard to hide his shock and surprise. Kyuubi's foot slammed upon Itachi's.
"Just say the line," she hissed under her breath.
"Saints do not move, though grant for prayer's sake," Itachi quoted monotonely, skipping ahead, which brought Kyuubi's foot down on his yet again.
"Then move not, while my prayer's effect I take. Thus from my lips, by thine, my sin is purged," Kyuubi timidly moved forward, pressing her lips against Itachi, forcibly pulling him into the kiss. The world spun in bright colors and fluffy hues.
Back in reality, Sasuke was visibly disturbed. "Of all the shipping that could have been done, what evil madman could have come up with Itachi x Kyuubi?!"
"That was me, of course," Kabuto commented as he adjusted his glasses. It was better not to ask how he had gotten out of the dragon.
"Wow, you ARE a jerk," Sasuke commented.
Kyuubi and Itachi merely stared at each other with pink hearts fluttering away from each other. Kabuto caught one and devoured it. It tasted similar to fluffy sugar candy.
"How to put it..? Oh yes. Con logic isn't."
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Alternate Ending #7: Gotta Catch 'em All
"Itachi-nii-san, stop! You can't just throw a pokeball at Kyuubi-chan and catch her! Who do you think you are, Ash Ketchum?" Sasuke drew her own pokeball. "I challenge you to a one-on-one pokebattle! The winner gets Kyuubi-chan!"
"Um. Don't I get a say in this?" Kyuubi-chan looked up from her sketchbook. Wind blew dramatically through the game room despite the lack of open windows as the two brothers- or sisters- or whatever gender they were squared off against each other. "…No one ever listens to the talking fox," she sighed.
"Furry meowth cosplayer, I chose you," Sasuke yelled as she released a giant meowth.
Itachi threw his pokeball, releasing Kabuto. "With this Kabuto, I will capture the Nine Tails."
"Excuse me, but how did I even get in there in the first place?" Kabuto adjusted his glasses in confusion.
"Meowth, pay day attack!" Sasuke dramatically pointed at Kabuto as the meowth threw coins at his opponent.
"…Kabuto, just sever its heart," Itachi coldly commanded as Kabuto stepped forward and dislocated the meowth's heart, sending it crashing to the ground. "Now it's time to win. Pokeball, go!" Itachi winded the pitch and threw the pokeball, hitting Kyuubi in the head, knocking her out cold. "I caught a Kyuubi!" Itachi leapt past Sasuke to throw the downed fox girl over his shoulder before dramatically crashing through a window to make his escape.
"Wait a second, that isn't how you play pokemon," Sasuke whined. As she complained, Kabuto reached back and whacked her upside the head.
"Silly emo, con logic isn't."
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What Happened to Everyone After PortCon
Itachi: After failing to capture the Kyuubi, Itachi went blind from using the sharingan too much and bought a seeing eye dog. Unfortunately, that dog was Menchii and therefore quite useless and also quite delicious.
Kabuto: Although Itachi failed to get Kyuubi inside of him, Kabuto succeeded in getting a little Orochimaru inside of himself.
Kyuubi-chan: After fleeing from Itachi (for the eighth time that week), Kyuubi discovered that she was the true younger brother-sister of Itachi, making ending #6 into a tragedy befitting the play from whence it came.
Sasuke: After getting the sex change to a girl, she gave up on her revenge for killing Itachi and opened up her own makeup shop. As a boy, she was only emo. As a girl, she was a fashion goddess. Unfortunately, he shop was short lived as the Log opened up its own fashion store across the street, driving Sasuke out of business.
Zombie #42: He was delicious.
Misa-Misa: Giving up the notebook and taking it back and taking the eye deal again for the eighteenth time finally caught up with her. Now Misa competes to be the pop idol of the Shinigami realm.
Marcelo: He was never found and assumingly lives to this very day.
Itachi's sister who also loves him: Every day, Itachi prays and prays that she will never be heard from again. Yet we know that true, deep terrors live out past the nightmarish worlds that Lovecraft created. There will be more girls created in this fashion. The world will never be safe again.
Meowth: After quitting Team Rocket, he found a very promising career in being a translator. Apparently a talking meowth was useful after all.
Farmer McGregor: Those damn kids never did off his lawn, but PortCon finally ended, giving a rest to his weary bones and the legend of the Ghost of the Convention.
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Author's end notes
A very special thank you to everyone who participated to make PortCon 2007 entertaining. The Rogue Ninja will return for next year for even more wacky adventures. Special thanks goes out to Kabuto, Kyuubi-chan, and Sasuke-chan. We'll find Marcelo someday, never give up hope.