Ranma Saotome's Guide to Women

By: Cookys 'n' Creem

Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma ½. Only rich people own things. I barely own my own pen

Summary: Now in Braille, large print and even book cassettes read by ORLANDO BLOOM!!!!

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RANMA SAOTOME'S GUIDE TO WOMEN

Chapter One: An Introductory to Women

Ok, you know the drill. You meet a cute girl, she seems sweet and all… then she unleashes an emotional pile of crap on your head.

…Preaching to the choir, man.

We've all been there, and since my life has been really, really, really, REALLY overwhelming lately, I've barricaded myself in my room so I can get some peace and quiet. Since I've got a LOT of times on my hands, I've decided to (attempt at least) take a look into the female mind, and am going to share what I learn with you, the readers.

Ranma paused, his hands hovering over the type writing keys. "God, that was pathetic." He snorted as he read back his work and angrily ripped the offending paper out of the type writer; tossing the paper ball across the room. "'Take a look into the female mind'. Ha! I must be high."

Dragging up his sleeves, Ranma's hands raced across the type writing keys, eyes burning with determination.

RANMA SAOTOME'S GUIDE TO WOMEN

Chapter One: An Introductory to Women

Every guy who bought this book must be as pathetic as me when it comes to understanding the strange species known as 'girls'. I still have absolutely NO idea, and I AM one for about half the time--

"…And that just lost about half the readers, too." Akane Tendo blinked when a paper ball flew into her forehead. "What the--?" She stared as Ranma furiously typed like a man on a mission. "Ranma, what are you doing?" Ranma looked back once before turning back to his type writer and typing faster than ever.

Akane frowned. Since when had Ranma simply ignored her? Anger, she was used to. Jealousy, even… at times. But just plain INGNORED?! She strode over to the boy and peered over his shoulder and to the paper he was so intrigued into writing. Her eye twitched when she read the last line.

--speaking of emotional piles of crap, one just walked RIGHT in here--

KA-POW!

"You jerk! And here I was worried about you, too! Next time I won't bother!" This caught the martial artist's full attention. Ranma swivelled around on his chair, blue-gray eyes staring intently into hers. "You were worried about me?"

Akane rolled her eyes heaven-ward. "Well, duh. You've been locked in your room sulking for about 2 hours now. Just what the hell are you doing up here anyway?" She frowned slightly. "Is Shampoo in here?"

Ranma's face fell. "Say what?" "No? Then how about Ukyo, or--" Akane paused, as if she was seriously considering his sanity. "--God forbid, Kodachi?" "Where the hell did you get this from?! I just came up here for a little 'me' time!"

Ranma blinked when Akane's face slowly turned horrified. "WHAT?! Oh god, not like that!!" Akane breathed out a relieved sigh, but still looked around the room with eyes narrowed. "Geez, for all I know, you could go for men now. Did you spend too much time in your girl-form? Is Kuno here? How about Ryoga?" She glared at the beyond shocked boy. "I've told you not to tease poor Ryoga-kun. What is wrong with you?"

Ranma jumped out of his chair like he'd been electrocuted. "MEN?! You're freaking crazy!! Besides, if I was even the slightest bit interested in men -which I'm not!- I wouldn't need to look far. I've got a macho, jock chick right under the same roof!" He let out a burst of laughter.

Akane's eyebrow ticked violently. Her mouth twitched slightly.

PUNT!

"You pervert!" Akane screeched, her foot still raised as the said boy sailed through the air.

Ranma crossed his arms as he zoomed through the familiar flight path. He pulled out a small black book and scribbled the very first 'guide to women' tip in it. "'Definitely no insults…'" He paused, chewing his pencil thoughtfully. "Hmm… better underline the 'no'…"

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"HENTAI!"

Ranma winced as he held his throbbing cheek and a very ticked off young women stormed away, still steaming. Ranma sighed and once again reached for his little black book (from now on, LBB). "Tip #608… 'Work on flirting skills'…"

Ranma looked around for a new study observance. "There's gotta be a girl around here some where…" His gaze landed on a mass of curly brown hair. "There we are." He grabbed his two 'disguising' tree branches and crept behind the curly-haired girl, his LBB and pencil clamped between his teeth.

"EEK! It's so cute! Lucia! Lucia!" Ranma froze at the familiar shrill squeal. And the familiar savage tugs on one of his tree branches. And the familiar pounding on the head with a random park bench. "Give back widdle Azusa's (sp?) Lucia! Give him back! Give him back!"

Ranma yelped as he toppled out of the bush he was currently hiding in, now tree-branch-less. "A-Azusa?! You were that girl?!" Azusa was too occupied in snuggling to her 'Lucia' to notice Ranma talking. "Azusa will take good care of Lucia, yes she will! I'll hug you every single day--!"

Azusa blinked as she stared down at the flustered boy with her ridiculously huge eyes. "Does Azusa know you…?" She blinked. "Hey! You're that boy who paired up with that mean, Charlotte-stealing harpy in the duel!" Ranma sweatdropped. Mean, Charlotte-stealing harpy…? Isn't that laying it on a bit thick…?

Azusa cocked her head at Ranma. There was a moment of silence. Ranma's fingers began to twitch nervously. "…EEK! It's so cute! Melanie! Melanie!" Ranma let out an ear-piercing scream when Azusa began tugging furiously on his pigtail, cooing the name 'Melanie' over and over. "GAHH!! LET GO 'A MY HAIR, YOU CRAZY WOMAN!!!"

"OOH! JACQUELINE! JACQUELINE! "

"AIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!! Don't pull THAT either!!"

Soon after, Ranma was keeping down sobs as he gingerly hobbled over to a park bench, prodded, poked, smacked, tugged, and… apparently molested. He brought out LBB with shaking hands and muttered the words as he wrote them down:

"A… word… of…warning…to…all…men…avoid…curly…haired... demons… named… Azusa…"

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Onna-Ranma crept behind a water fountain, LBB safely clutched in her fingers. Several of the bathing women stared when the red-headed young woman peered closely into the faces and then slinked off; scribbling furiously into the little black book she continuously around carried like a good-luck charm.

Onna-Ranma slapped herself sharply across the cheeks when a burning sensation began creeping towards them. "Damn it. Whatever possessed me to go this far to write a 'how to' book, I have NO idea… my physical health is in danger."

"Excuse me, could you pass that soap just there?" Onna-Ranma shrieked loudly when a hand touched her shoulder, jumping at least 3 feet into the air. She immediately started pressing her forehead over and over to the ground, sobbing. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Please don't hurt me; have mercy! It was all my pop's fault, he gave me this damn curse in the first place--!!" The women sweatdropped when the girl in front of her kept sobbing about her 'pop', 'it's all his fault', 'curses' and 'c-c-cat-fu, I mean, come ON! How dumb can you get?!'

"Uh, miss? I just wanted the soap." Onna-Ranma stared, and then let out a nervous giggle. "Ah… right… of course. Don't mind me…" She was off at the speed of light, scribbling furiously. "'Never go into a women's bath if you value you're life.'"

Onna-Ranma suddenly fell with a thud to the public bath floor as she collided with another woman coming through the door. "Oh, I'm sorry--" Onna-Ranma's blood ran cold at the extremely familiar voice. "A-Akane?" She squeaked, wincing when the said girl's eyes burned and her fingers twitched with the need to pummel Ranma into LEO (lower earth orbit) with her beloved mallet-sama.

"RANMA…!" Onna-Ranma laughed nervously, backing away as Akane advanced on her, cracking her knuckles with an evil grin. "N-Now now, Akane… don't be too hasty--!"

Onna-Ranma was cut off as she fell back into the hot bath with a splash. Ranma burst up out of the water, oblivious to the bulging eyes of the surrounding women. "What'd ya do that for?! I though you weren't gonna hit me anymore!"

Akane's grin simply widened and she crossed her arms, leaning down into Ranma's face. "I don't have to." Ranma's body completely froze when a pack of shadows loomed over him, all holding random, blunt objects. With a small 'eep', Ranma was attacked by the extremely pissed off women.

"YOU PERVERT!"

"HENTAI!"

"PERVERTED BAKA!"

"I'LL KILL YOU!"

"FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEAK!!!!!!!!!!"

After a smug Akane dumped Ranma beside nearby tree, Ranma ignored his throbbing joints and screaming muscles to write down a very important tip that couldn't wait. "'Beware violence-prone girls with a grudge.'" Ranma smiled, satisfied at his new rule. He frowned and once again put his pencil to the paper.

"…'If you absolutely, as in stalker-like can't avoid violent girls; make a first aid kit. You'll need it.'"

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Ranma was busy jotting down tips and notes in his LBB to notice a loud bell from down the road. Ignoring the distraction, he wrote down another rule: 'Women hate boys eating OTHER women's cooking. Avoid at all costs.'

"AIREN!"

Ranma snapped up, eyes wild. Okay, that he noticed. He had no time to prepare when a bubbly, lavender-haired Amazon flew off of her bike and glomped him off his seat, almost purring as she nuzzled his chest with her cheek. "Wo ai ni! I missed you!"

Ranma swallowed a nervous lump in his throat. Great. If Ukyo or Kodachi come, I'm dead. If Akane comes… Ranma shuddered. I don't wanna know. "Shampoo! C'mon, get off!" "Shampoo bring Ranma new dumplings to test for restaurant! You eat, yes?" Ranma eyed the steaming dumpling warily. "Well… maybe just one… I guess… " "Yes, yes! Is special ingredient!"

There it is. Special ingredient my butt. Ranma sweatdropped when Shampoo held up a dumpling, smiling sweetly. An almost sickeningly sweet, like poison. "Uh… I just remembered; I have to… go to … Ukyo's for her… surprise party!"

Shampoo's eyes brightened. "Party? Shampoo love parties! Shampoo can come, yes?" "Sorry Shampoo, it's… very close friends and family only." Shampoo's smile faltered, but she beamed anyway. "Okay. Is no big deal. Just take Shampoo on date, we call even." "Ah… right." With that said, Shampoo thundered off down the road.

Ranma shuddered and immediately grabbed LBB. "That was close." He scanned down the pages and noticed he had written down about 8362 tips and cautions about women. Geez, I've been at it today. Shrugging, he took out his pencil and wrote:

"'Beware girls with a 'special ingredient'. Normally foods with those ends up with you in Tahiti or some other place where you can loose a toe to frost bite.'" Ranma sighed bitterly and looked resentfully down at his foot, which he wiggled with a depressed look on his face.

"Ran-chan? Is that true? A surprise party for me?!" Ranma made a silent plea for mercy as he turned to an ecstatic okonomiyaki chef. "Uh…no?" Ukyo giggled and tapped Ranma's nose playfully. "Awwww, someone knows something he's not telling!" She chirped in a sing-song voice.

Ranma groaned and gave himself a mental note to put in his LBB later: 'Don't mention a surprise party if the girl used as the excuse is NEARBY.'

"Ukyo, there's no--" Ukyo giggled once again, bouncing up and down. "Ooh, I just love surprise parties! And it's not even my birthday! I'll see you later for the surprise-- I mean, just because I'll see you." She winked and ran off, laughing gleefully.

Ranma stared at her retreating figure, sweatdropping. "Oh god. Now I have to make a surprise party." The sudden heavy weight of responsibility crashed onto his shoulders and he saw no more.

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"…nma?"

Ranma shooed away the brushing feeling on his cheek. Stupid flies--

"Ranma!"

What the hell?! Now the freakin' flies know my name?! The martial artist waved his hand, irritated.

"RANMA!"

Ranma shot up, yelling protests when the flies suddenly were slapping him. "GAHH! Stupid flies! Stop slapping me!" "Who's a fly?!" Demanded a familiar voice.

Ranma sweatdropped when an annoyed Akane stared down at him, causing him to yelp and scramble back 2 feet. "Oh, please! I'm not here to pound on you. I was coming home and you were out cold on the road. What happened?" Ranma blinked when genuine concern filled her voice.

"Akane…?" Ranma looked around and noticed he was still on the middle of the road, several bird in a tree nearby cocking their heads and staring down curiously at him. "I don't know… I was just thinking about how much I have to do today, and…"

Ranma suddenly had an epiphany. "Akane, you're a girl! A tomboyish girl, perhaps, but a girl's a girl, right?!" Akane's eyes narrowed. "Very well spotted." She said acidly. "That means you can help me! Only a girl can do it!" Akane stared, a silence filling the void.

SLAP! SLAP!

"YOU PERVERT!! I knew it! You're just a stupid hentai!" The angry girl spat, arms crossed. Ranma ignored the shooting pain in his cheeks and grabbed a very confused Akane's wrist, zooming off down the street.

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"Ranma, I have 3 questions."

"Go ahead."

"One; why did you bring me here of all places. Two; why did you drag me here. And three, why the HELL do you keep writing in the stupid little black book of yours?!" Ranma grinned at a steaming Akane, simply writing into his LBB again.

"You are the most frustrating boy on the planet." "I take that as a compliment." Akane rolled her eyes and slowly put her chin in her hand, her elbow resting on the table. She stared off into space as she gazed at the counter.

Ranma's eyes shifted up from his LBB to look at Akane. He stared, trying to figure out a secret only the female race would know just by staring at her.

…Good luck.

"Ranma, you didn't answer my questions." "Okay. One, they serve good food here. Two, because I wanted to be alone with you, stupid." Akane's eyes widened slightly and a pink flush flew across the bridge of her nose. She looked down at her fiddling thumbs, embarrassed. "Ranma… do you really mean it?"

Ranma froze when Akane looked back up at him, smiling. It wasn't just a normal smile; it was the big, beautiful, very Akane smile that usually ended up with them almost kissi--

"Ranma?" Akane said softly, almost regretting her words. "Um…ah…damn." Ranma swore, flipping through his LBB for a tip he may have forgotten, but… Nothing. Stupid book! Ranma was flustering wildly now, unsure what to do.

Were they on a date? What was he supposed to do now?

…Kiss her?!

"Crap." He muttered angrily. Akane blinked as Ranma went through his LBB like salvation was hidden somewhere between the pages. "Ranma? What are you--?"

"Ranma! I love you!" Ranma could have sworn he heard Akane blurt out those words. His heart hammered painfully in anticipation. "H-Huh?!" He looked at her, but she looked just as confused as he did. "That… wasn't you, was it?" "Of course not!" Akane snapped, crossing her arms and fuming.

"Ranmaaaaa! I said it! I love you! I love you more than anyone else!" Ukyo threw her arms around Ranma's neck, causing him to blush slightly. "Ukyo…?" Akane glared at the two teens. She 'hmmph'ed angrily, sinking deeper into the seat.

"What spatula girl talking?! Shampoo much much more loves Airen!" Shampoo jumped on the surprised okonomiyaki chef, causing Ranma to jump back and into Akane. "H-Hey! Watch it!" "Sorry!"

The two fighting girl's looked up to see Ranma basically sitting on a flushing Akane's lap. They both let out a scream of rage.

"RAN-CHAN!"

"AIREN!"

"Ukyo…? Shampoo…?"

"RANMA!"

"Shampoo!"

"Ukyo?!"

"ARIEN!!!"

"RAN-CHAAAAN!"

"Akane--!"

"RANMA…!"

"MOMMYYYYYYYY!!!"

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In a bookstore several months later, a teenage boy was thumbing through random books, until one caught his eye. Curious, he picked the bright yellow and red book. The front cover had the words:

RANMA SAOTOME'S GUIDE TO WOMEN

Written By: Ranma Saotome

At this point, the boy was intrigued. Coincidently, his girlfriend had been quite snippy and aggressive lately; this could be his Holy Bible. The boy excitedly opened the front cover, only to sweatdrop at the words staring back at him.

RANMA SAOTOME'S GUIDE TO WOMEN

Dude, if YOU know how to understand women and their strange, violent ways; for the love of GOD, TELL ME!!!!

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