He wasn't ready for this, it was too soon. He'd done things, things that he never should have done. He'd been ice and fire and rage. And so many unforgivable things had happened around him. He'd thought he'd won too, beaten fate at it's own game just this once, but in the end fate won.
And then it was different, he was different, different face, different body, different clothes, different tardis.
But it wasn't enough, the rage was still there, simmering, waiting for it's moment, and then he'd be rage and fire all over again and then she'd leave him.
He wasn't ready for this, he wasn't ready for her. Her with her questions and challenges, her selflessness and her joy. There were moments when that joy was like summer rain, washing away everything that he'd been before, leaving him gasping for air, shiny and new.
He knew it couldn't last, that no matter where they went in all of space and time, someone would need to be stopped, someone would need to be saved and he would have to be the one to do it. And then she'd see him for what he really was and she'd leave.
Just this once he wanted to be the one who was saved. He wanted to believe, even if only for a moment, that the only person who needed him in the entire universe was her. And then he could give himself to her. All his heart, well both hearts actually, and then he really would be reborn. Transformed. Shiny and new.