Sometimes it feels like the only escape.
Other times it helps to ensure I'm alive.
The blood dripping down my arm painting a red trail in its wake.
At times I can't help but sit there and watch the drops of blood before making more.
The razor blade in my hand was stolen from a razor, from an unopened bag of razors, I found in the junkyard.
I popped the razor open and bam I had myself a razor blade.
It slices me like its noting even as I trail the edge along my arm.
I could go deeper. I could test to see how deep I can go. I could slice myself open instead of trailing the edge along my bones.
Maybe I might get better results. Maybe I'll finally be able to feel again.
Just maybe. Perhaps it will be better. Perhaps it will help me faster.
I know that soon I'll have to force myself to stop as I am sure I could keep going until there's no room left. I slightly press the blade this time before gently trailing it along.
The blood comes much faster this time and much more plentiful.
I pause to watch it again and the sting reminds me that this is all real. That I am still very much real and alive.
It is possibly my only indication that truly shows this.
I need it. I need it to keep myself sane. To keep myself grounded to life.
But others might try to take it away. They might tell me it's bad.
I can't let them take it away. I can't let them know.
No matter what they must not find out.
The sound of a door opening then slamming shut slightly makes me jump.
I even almost drop the razor blade.
"Sans!" A call comes from downstairs and I begin scrambling around in my room.
I hide the razor in a small hole inside my mattress and I quickly wrap bandages around my arms. I tense hearing the footsteps coming up the stairs and I toss the bandages into hiding. I grab my jacket and put it on. I swallow harshly as I hear the footsteps coming right towards my door.
They pause just outside and I take a deep breath putting on a smile as I stand there.
My door opens revealing my brother standing there.
His red eyes slightly narrow.
I keep my own red eyes on him acting casual as I've always done. "Hey Boss. What's up?" I inquire in curiosity.
"You weren't at your post and I find you here!" Edge snorts slightly glaring at me as I stuff my hands into my jacket pockets. "You lazy sack of shit! You have work and all you want to do is sit on your fucking ass in your fucking room all day!"
That's right. Yell at me. Yell at me because I deserve it.
I've been bad even if you don't know it yet. I blink hardly having noticed that he had stopped ranting. "Sorry boss."
Edge sighs slightly shaking his head as he brings a hand to his forehead. "Well. Let's go. We have our final patrol to do." He takes the lead out of the room.
I follow after like the loyal fuck I am. I wonder if maybe tonight I can go a little deeper.
...
Night has fallen and Edge is in his room which means he already went to bed. I remove my sweater and the bandages that have been soaking up the blood escaping from the cuts.
My ones from earlier today still sting a little but they've scabbed over. I grab the razor once more and with a little more force I slice at my arm. I almost sigh feeling like a satisfaction has gone through me. I press the blade against my arm to do it again only to freeze at a sound.
The sound of my bedroom door creaking open.
There's silence once the door is open and I sit there back to the door not moving.
I wait to see if he'll say anything but then he begins walking closer as I hear his footsteps. I dare not turn around to look to him.
He crouched next to me and grabs my wrist so much more gentle than I imagined. He inspects my cut up arm for a moment before his eyes seem to come to the razor blade. He reaches over after letting go of my wrist and he suddenly takes ahold of the blade. He takes it from my grasp and tosses it into the garbage. He turns back to me and I expect harsh words maybe even yelling. I wait for it with tightly closed eyes but it never comes. My eyes blink open in surprise when I am suddenly pulled into a hug.
This isn't really the world that's full of kindness and sympathy. Showing care to someone where someone could see you is a bad move. Here in the world we live in that could mean an enemy or whoever wants to hurt you could use it against you. So hugs especially at times of weakness are not common at all.
My eyes turn to him as I finally look at him though I can't see his face as it is either over my shoulder or past it.
"Sans... I'm sorry that I haven't been there for you. That I haven't shown enough care when we're safe from where someone might see." Edge begins a plead in his tone that makes my eye lights widen slightly in surprise. "Just please. Don't do this."
Did his voice just crack there? I swear it did...
"I know you might think it's the only way but it isn't. We can figure out something. I'll help you through this. You can rely on me. I can help you." He pauses to sniffle and I try to turn my head to see his face... But his head is positioned so it blacks me from actually doing so. "It'll be alright. Everything will be fine."
I can feel one hand coming to rest upon my non-bandaged arm gently. I also feel his other hand doing the same to my bandaged arm.
He is soon giving me magic, healing magic!
I would recognize it anywhere as he's used it on me quite a few times when I would get hurt. Whether it be on my own or because of another he'll use healing magic. I let him do this and soon he's done. I don't have to look at my arms to know he probably healed them pretty well.
There's probably not even scabbing but for the deeper one I'm not sure if it scarred.
"If you ever feel the urge to do this again just come to me." Edge finally pulls away allowing me to see his crying face. "And we can do something to make you forget about it." He sniffles and stares into my eyes even with tears falling down his face.
I move one hand to reach up and I catch one or two of his tears. "I'm sorry." Is all my brain could come up with to say. I never meant to make Papyrus cry!
Edge smiles softly and takes my hand against his own nuzzling his cheek against it. "I'll do whatever I need to help. Just let me know. Okay?"
I nod and I snuggle against him while he holds me.
... Maybe there is another solution... It won't be easy to break away but Edge could be a hidden solution... I'll have to do my best for him so he will continue to provide what I need.
It'll be okay.
... In time...
The end.
AN:
Written on my phone late at night so hopefully I caught any autocorrects.
Hope you enjoyed!
Kitkat.