A/N: This was meant to be a oneshot, but now it's turning into a two-parter. It takes place during the episode "Teach Me Tonight", and I began writing this story based on a dream I had a couple of weeks ago, and originally I planned to use the finished story as a Christmas-gift, but since I didn't get it done until now (1 pm on December 24th 2009 over here in Finland), I'm choosing to share it with you guys, as thanks for your support and overall awesomeness. Part two of this story is not yet in-progess, I think you'll know why when you get to the end. Enjoy, and have a Merry Christmas!

Disclaimer: I, the author of this story, do not own any of the characters from Gilmore Girls. That honor belongs to the ever-so-lovely Amy Sherman-Palladino.

Part 1

I'm dead. Yeah, I know, it's sounds pretty daunting and so… final. Death is not what I expected it to be, but then again, it wouldn't really be death if it was predictable. Still, death is pretty weird. One minute I was sitting in the passenger seat of my car, trying to make Jess see reason: Ice cream should be eaten in bowls. Then, poof! I'm standing in one of the corridors at Chilton, it's broad daylight and I'm wearing my uniform. No walking towards the light, no light at all, really, except for the light shining in through the windows here. It didn't really take me long to figure it all out, even in death my deducting skills are sharp. I couldn't have gotten from my car to the hallowed halls of Chilton, unless… I was dead.

"Oh, God…" was my first spontaneous reaction, and my voice echoed eerily in the empty school.

Suddenly, a bright voice answered from behind me:

"You called?"

I quickly spun around. Down the hall, I saw someone leaning up againt a locker, my locker to be exact. I squinted my eyes, trying to make out who it was. At first I didn't want to believe it. It couldn't be…

"Francie?" I asked hesitantly, moving towards the redhead. What the deuce was she doing here?

"Oh, Rory, you're a smart girl. Really, I should be offended. Well, that is, if I'd be capable of feeling offended, which I'm not by the way," the Francie look-alike replied with a pealing laughter.

I couldn't really process this. I was dead, at Chilton, with someone who looked like Francie, leader of the Puffs, but wasn't Francie. Death. Dead. Heaven.

"No way…"

"Way way!" Francie countered smilingly, cocking her head.

"God..?"

"Present! Well, omnipresent to be exact. I don't get the surprised tone. I mean, people spend all their lives believing in me, and yet when they meet me they're all, like, 'No way, you can't be God', and it really bugs me."

"So…" I said, dragging out the o. "Francie was God… you?"

"No, no, no," God replied. "This is the form you've chosen for me. As is this." She turned around, motioning to the building.

"I chose Chilton as my heaven?"

"Looks that way."

"Can't I get Stars Hollow instead?" I whined. I was dead, this should be heaven, paradise. Chilton had been at best okay, but not a paradise.

"I'm sorry. Once you've chosen your place and your avatar for me… it's permanent."

"So I assume a change of costume is also out of question," I said, looking down at my school uniform.

"You assume correctly," God affirmed me with a pleasant smile. "I think it suits you."

"Let me get this straight…" This could not be true, this is a test of some kind… "I'm going to be stuck at Chilton for all of eternity, with God looking like the leader of the Puffs, a girl who got me into a lot of trouble with the Headmaster?"

"Pretty much." God shrugged her shoulders.

"Why? Why this place? It's not like I have a lot of fond memories from this place."

"Normally, people are pretty happy with the place they've picked for their heaven, and the usually know why they picked it," God mused contemplatively.

"So what does that say about me?" I asked anxiously. Surely, it couldn't be a good sign not knowing why heaven looked like it did when the choice had been yours.

God looked at me. It's a strange feeling having a deity in the form of a high school girl look at you. It's worse than those dreams where you think you're naked and you wake up still thinking you're naked. It's incomparable, a sort of profound moment that should leave you with some revered feeling (because, hey, it's God looking at you), but I was just nervous and jittery.

"You're insecure," God finally stated. "You don't know yourself, always being defined by your surroundings. Your mother's daughter, doted granddaughter, best friend, loving girlfriend, interest… You were never really you just to be you."

"You know me, right?" I argued. "The whole thing about knowing the innermost feelings and thoughts of all people. You know exactly who I am, don't you?"

"I do."

"Then tell me who I am! 'Cause this place tells me nothing, absolutely nothing!"

"I can't tell you who you are, Rory. But I can tell you that Chilton was a sort of fresh start for you. No one knew you, your accomplishments… Your dreams were yours, and for a tiny moment when you entered this school for the first time, you felt free of everything."

"Still nothing. No light at the end of the tunnel."

"Hey, what's up with that? People talk about seeing a light at the end of a tunnel and arguing about whether to walk towards it or not?"

"You're God, shouldn't you know?"

"I just find it very… interesting."

"Interesting enough to deviate from your obvious unwritten rule?"

"Come on, you know me…" God began cheerfully.

"No, not really," I deadpanned. Was I allowed to talk to God like this?

"Yes, you are," God replied to my thoughts.

I stared at her.

"Hey, omniscient deity, party of one! Anyhow, it was a figure of speech, but still, I'm all about self-discovery."

"But what about…"

"Your friends and family. You're wondering why you can't have them or anything to remember them by," God finished for me.

"That is pretty irritating," I pointed out sourly. "Do you always do that?"

"Sorry," God excused, smiling sheepishly at me. "Old habits, you know? But I'm right, right?"

"Yes… " I relented reluctantly, hanging my head. My heart wrenched at the thought of everyone I had lost. Mom, grandma and grandpa, Sookie, Luke, Lane, Dean… Jess.

"Jess!" I exclaimed, instantly feeling alarmed. I had not been alone in the car. Had he survived? My…

"No, your mother is not going to kill him."

"Is he okay?" I pressed on. I needed to know he was okay, that he had made it, because I sure hadn't.

"I can't tell you," God-Francie replied quietly, much to my irritation. "Not yet."

I huffed indignantly, crossing my arms over my torso and leaning up against the locker next to mine. Great. I'm stuck at my prissy private school for forever, with no one but God in a Francie-suit to keep me company.

"Hey!" God interrupted my silent rant. "Just because your loved ones aren't here doesn't mean you've lost them forever."

"Really?" I retorted angrily. "When did Lane ever visit Chilton? Or Babbette? Or… or Jess?"

"It's not about whether they were here or not. It's about connections."

"What? Connections?" I didn't understand a thing. Then again, God works in mysterious ways…

God began walking, and I followed. What else was there to do? God snickered at this thought. It would be hard getting used to the whole omniscient-part.

"Oh, don't trouble yourself on my account. I will still know everything and see everything. It's the omni-part of omniscient."

"Nice to know…" I muttered quietly.

"Now, where was I? Yes, connections. You may not realize it, but Chilton has been a sort of hub in your life, and everyone you ever loved or cared about has connections to it. Some are easy, like your mother, grandmother and boyfriend."

"Because they were here," I filled in as we passed Headmaster Charleston's office, remembering my first day at Chilton. Mom had overslept, and tried to hide her cowgirl outfit with a long, warm coat.

"Exactly. Other people, like Luke, Jess, Lane and the townspeople as you so lovingly call them, were never here, but are still connected. Your mother brought you coffee from Luke's on your first day here, that's his connection. Jess scrawled in a book you once brought to school, you picked up a school book from Lane's."

"But… the book… I read it in school long before Jess moved to Stars Hollow."

"You're thinking linear, Rory," God said, holding open the door to the food court for me. "Heaven, the afterlife, is not linear, it just is. While you can't have anything from the future on account of you not having one, you can access aspects from your life as long as they have some sort of connection to this place."

I could look back on my life, like it was some sort of TiVo-deal. Still, God's words from eariler, about me being defined by me surroundings came to mind.

"But I thought you said…" I began, sitting down at my usual table.

"Yes, I know I said that you were defined by the people around you. But self-discovery without reviewing the facts can hardly be considered any discovery at all, right? You need to see you like I saw you. People always find something they regret, no matter how perfect they thought their lives were."

"What happens when I do… discover myself?" I wondered.

"It's different for everyone."

"How do I start?"

"Easy, Rory. This is not some test you have to ace. It's not easy looking at yourself, and you want to take your time doing it. You won't have the same physical needs like hunger or sleep anymore, but you still have a soul, and souls are fragile," God explained, leaning over the table towards me. She had a concerned look on her face, which clashed with her appearance. I could never imagine real-life Francie ever looking that concerened about anything other than herself.

"Got it," I lied. I wanted to get this over with, soul be damned.

"You're not gonna listen to me at all, are you?" God then laughed.

"Yeah, well, you would know, right?" I replied playfully, even though I knew God was right.

God sighed, and shook her head, looking down at the table.

"What you need to do, is find the connections," she continued, letting her left index finger trace the veins in the tree of the table top. "Like I said, some are easy, some trickier."

"And what do I do when I find them?"

"You'll figure it out," God told me encouragingly. "Off you go." She waved me off.

"You're not coming with me?" I asked as I rose from the table. "I thought you were always supposed to be with me?"

"I am. I am everything around you, part of you and everyone else, omnipresent. I just rather enjoy sitting here, it's so… serene. Job well done to me."

I sighed, and began walking away, not really knowing where to go.

"You know where to find me!" God called after me.

"No, I don't…" I said, and spun around, but the room was empty.

I thought something I suppose one shouldn't be thinking in heaven, before shuffling off. I knew who I wanted to see first; my mom. The most obvious place to start at was the Headmaster's office, so I quickly rushed through the corridors until I found the door. Once I stood there, my hand clutching the door knob, I suddenly felt insecure. Nevermind it was just me and an omnipresent deity here, it still felt wrong to just barge in. I couldn't knock, what good would that do me? No one was in there. I sighed, leaving the door shut. I would have to think of something else that would connect mom to Chilton.

It took me some time, but then I remembered the parent-teacher night mom went to. She had told me all about it: the snotty parents, the crappy coffee, her lame wordplay as she almost knocked over a globe, Max… I hurried off to Mr. Medina's homeroom, bursting through the door. I didn't know what to expect, but nothing happened as I entered. The room was eerie and quiet, void of all life. Everything was still in there. Every book, every piece of chalk, every poster. I spotted the globe, smiling at the memory of mom reenacting the scene. I walked over to it, lightly tracing the outline of different European countries, destinations for a backpacking trip mom and I were supposed to go on when I graduated Chilton. Guess those plans were scrapped now. Mom's lame punchline lingered in my mind.

"What in the world…"

There was no flash, nothing. Just like when I died, I simply relocated in the blink of an eye. I saw mom, first my most recent memories with her, going backwards, the scenes flickering by rapidly. I was always there, a mirror image of her. Same blue eyes, same eating habits, same name. I relished in these images, taking comfort in the fact that I would always have the memories, and she would be close though still far away. In another blink I was back at Chilton, my heart aching with grief and sadness. My inner felt heavy, burdened, but I tried to push away the irrelevant feelings, racing off to find my other loved ones.

I found myself back at Headmaster Charleston's office for grandma, but could still not open the door. My socks became my portal to grandma instead. I noticed how my feelings towards grandma became more and more undecided the older the memories got. I once again mirrored my mom, mimicking her distaste for visiting grandma and grandpa.

I found Sookie in the courtyard where we held the bakesale and she lit herself on fire and mom had to put her out with punch, getting a rush of images where I was eating, and oh! how I missed Sookie's food. It made me want to switch heaven from Chilton to the Independence Inn where I at least could be in Sookie's shrine of a kitchen.

I rushed through memory after memory, my heart growing heavier and the ache never stopping. I relived my relationship with Dean with mild distaste, which only added to my nausea. By the time I got to Lane, I felt like I was gonna trip over my own feet. It didn't escape me either that in each memory surge, I payed less and less attention to the person I connected with, and more to myself and my behaviour. I didn't like what I saw. So, when I prepared for my last visit, I was scared. Scared of how I would look alongside… Jess.

God had told me… Wow, there's a sentence that sounds completely wrong. Nevertheless, God had told me my key to Jess was a book he had scrawled in and that I had brought to school a week or two before he moved to Stars Hollow. Since I couldn't see my bag anywhere, I could only assume that the book was in my locker. My fingers trembled as I unlocked the locker. Part of me wanted God to be wrong about the whole "time is not linear here"-thingy, because that would mean no book in my locker. But of course God wasn't wrong. When I swung open my locker I spotted it at once, Allen Ginsberg's Howl. Jess had nicked it at that disastrous "Welcome to Stars Hollow"-dinner, and filled it with his thoughts. Even with the book in my hand I still wanted this to just be a scrawl-free version, but no such luck. It only took two pages before the first scrawls in that all-too familiar handwriting caught my eyes.

That was all I needed, and I was back with him. It hurt so much, more so than anything I had ever felt. It became so painfully obvious that there had been that something between me and Jess, something that was completely absent in my relationship with Dean. It was a connection, deeper and more true, the almost perfect match. It wasn't perfect anymore. Even if I hadn't died, I would've been so flawed, so lost and ultimately lonely that there hadn't been a chance. I was lost. I had lost, failed in life. As I saw Jess make that coin seemingly appear out of my ear, his face all goofy-looking, something in me broke. It felt like getting stabbed, and my vision started blurring.

"Jess!" I screamed through the blur, feeling myself slip away. For a fraction of a second it seemed as if he turned his head and looked right at me. But he couldn't have heard me. This was a memory. He couldn't hear me. Never had, never would.

Darkness. Blessed darkness, I felt so safe. I could've happily spent eternity wrapped in this envelope of nothingness. Unfortunately, I heard muffled voices that penetrated the darkness and beckoned me to return.

"How could she do that, is she suicidal?"

Paris?

"Calm down…"

Louise?

"She's grieving, cut her some slack."

Oh, God…

"Cut her some what?"

Great, the trinity was complete with Madeline. What the hell were they doing here?

"Did you hear that?" the Paris-voice urged, clearly upset. "Can I smite her?"

"Sch… She's waking up.

"What are those three doing here?" I asked drowsily, as my eyes tried to focus on something.

"Nevermind that we just saved your butt, oh no, just be completely rude!" Paris barked in her ever so aggressive tone of voice.

"Seriously, I totally rock as a chick…" Louise mused, ignoring Paris.

"Do they actually dress like this?" Madeline said simultaneously, looking down at her school uniform.

I finally found God's, or rather Francie's face in the blur, and she was looking at me as if I had returned from the dead.

"You pretty much have," God replied. "I had to call in the special forces."

"Really?" I asked, looking at the trio who had made Chilton hard for me. "Paris, Louise and Madeline?"

"No, genius!" Paris , or at least I thought so, quipped angrily, before she turned to God. "I thought you said she was smart!"

"Okay, mission accomplished, guys. You're dismissed," Francie-God told the trio and they were gone in a blink. "Sorry about that. Their bedside manners need some work, but they're the best."

I noticed I was lying on the floor, my cardigan rolled into a bundle under my head. I hoisted myself up into sitting position, massaging my temples.

"Best at what, and who were they?"

"Angels…"

"Angels?" I exclaimed, and felt dizzy again.

"Arch angels, to be exact. We had Michael, Gabriel and Raphael in the house."

Three arch angels had shifted into my afterlife to do who knows what, in the shape of the human unholy trinity.

"I think I need to lie down again…"

"Do you know now why I asked you to go about this whole soulsearching with great care?"

God sat beside me, legs crossed, looking at me with a serious expression on her face. Yeah, I knew, sort of. I knew the end of ignoring God's warning, just not why I had mentally broken down.

"Rory, you're nothing but a soul here, I told you that. You still look like yourself, because this is your soul's true image of yourself, but that's it. There's no flesh, no bones to protect you, and souls are like the most fragile glass; it breaks easily."

"So… I broke?" I ventured, trying to make sense of something that was clearing going over my head.

"You literally broke," God clarified steadfastly. "You were still halfway between here and your memory, you almost got stuck there, and trust me, limbo is not a nice place to be stuck in."

"But…" I began, still not really having a full grasp on the situation. "I'm already dead.

"Your body is dead," God explained patiently, smiling at me. "Part of you is still alive, otherwise you wouldn't be here. The strain on your soul became too hard, and the memory of Jess sent you over the edge."

Going back to that memory had made me so sad, it still did. I could feel my eyes tearing up at the thought of it.

"I was such a fool, such an idiot…" I berated myself, and at that moment I really wanted to suckerpunch myself for my stupidity.

"You saw yourself…"

"And I hated it! I hated how I tried to be perfect, how I had to be the perfect girl, the Lorelai do-over, with the eyes and the brains and the perfect apple-pie floppy-haired boyfriend I didn't actually love. I wanted to see them, all of them, but all I saw was me with them, and how wrong I was, and it hurts so much."

God took my hand, and I felt something, like a spark of energy that pulsed through me. Wow, touched by God in the literal sense of the words.

"Rory, you need to calm down, or I will have to call the trio back," she told me calmly.

Right, calm. Nice and easy. Wouldn't want the angels in human suits back to do their holy mojo again.

"Did you notice anything while you were out there unintentionally trying to kill yourself?" God then asked me. "You know, anything special?"

"Apart from the fact that I could revisit my memories?" I quipped snarkily, tired of all the questions that never got answers I could comprehend.

"Well, apart from that…"

"Yeah, now that you mention it… There was something…"

"Yes?" God said expectantly, leaning in closer.

"Dean was a real douche. How could I ever date him? Seriously, the floppy hair was not that great."

"Rory…" God said, in a mock-reprimanding voice, but I could see her smiling quite widely. "Anything apart from sudden boyfriend-related revelations?"

I thought about my almost-fatal hunt for memories. How was I supposed to know what was out of place, this was heaven for crying out loud! It's not like I had anything to compare to. The closest thing I had to a model of heaven was heaven as it was described in The Lovely Bones, but I could scrap that image of heaven right away. Heaven was Chilton, and I had been everywhere looking for people. Well, almost everywhere…

"Why can't I enter the Headmaster's office?" I asked, looking straight at God.

"You couldn't go in there?" God in turn asked, not showing any sign that this was special.

"I don't think the door was locked or anything, I mean, what's the difference, there's no one but me and you here, and since this is how I imagine heaven, locks are irrelevant, but I still couldn't get myself to open the door and step inside."

"Anything else?"

"You're not gonna tell me it's good or bad that I can't enter one room in the entire school?"

"Anything else?" God repeated calmly, looking straight at me.

"Gee, let me think, Sookie's muffins didn't smell like they did when I was alive, and Mrs. Kim seemed a bit pale, and oh, my favorite, I think Jess looked at me when I went nuts and blacked out," I prattled, basically making stuff up (apart from the Jess-incident, but that was probably just me breaking down) just to piss God off, if that was possible.

"Jess looked at you?"

"Hey, you said it, I was halfway between here and my memory, I probably imagined it."

"Nothing is imagination here," God told me blankly, she seemed worried.. "Was it that you stood in a certain angle and he just seemed to look at you?"

"Oh, so me not being able to enter a room in heaven is nothing, but someone from my memory behaving just a teensiest bit off when I'm mentally breaking down, that's news?"

"More so than you could imagine," God simply said, still waiting for my answer.

I sighed dramatically.

"Fine… No, it was not that I stood in a certain place and it looked like he was looking at me. He turned his head and looked at me when I called for him," I then said, trying my best to sound bored and indifferent.

"You called for him? Whatever did you do that for?"

"I panicked! I don't know if you ever panic, but I did, and Jess was there, or well, almost there, and it was a reflex. Why is this important?"

God didn't answer. She just looked away, seemingly someplace else, and it made me anxious. God not answering questions, surely anyone would agree that that was not a good sign, right? I mean, God should have the answers for every question, why was this any different?

I don't know how long God was out of touch, but when she finally returned, she looked grim, and kind of… sad.

"Rory… I need to ask you something I rarely ever have to ask someone in your position."

"Fire away, it's not like I was ever a regular girl…" I muttered, cocking my eyebrow challengingly.

"I need you to choose between entering the Headmaster's office and getting to know why Jess looked at you when he clearly shouldn't have."

A/N: So now I hope you know why I haven't yet started on part two. I need you to vote for which alternative Rory should pick. Entering the Headmaster's office or getting to know why memory-Jess did the very odd thing of responding to Rory's scream. I can't really go into details regarding what will happen by choosing one or the other, but I can give you this: Think about what Rory talked about in Headmaster Charleston's office on her first day of Chilton. Also consider the background to this story.