Title: "A Bamf Too Many"
Author: Pirate Turner
Rating: R for nudity and sexual content
Summary: A bamf is only a sneeze away for poor Kurt.
Warnings: Het, Slash, Warped Humor, Masturbation
Challenge: XMenFantasies' 16-2-09 challenge to have an illness beset an X-Man or more with powers that are out of wack and ForeverInDisney's 16-2-09 challenge to write a fic wherein a tail, or another inhuman appendage, is used in an unusual manner
Disclaimer: Kurt "Nightcrawler" Wagner, all other characters mentioned within, and the X-Men are © & TM Marvel comics, not the author. Everything else is © & TM the author. The author makes absolutely no profit off of this work of fan fiction, and no copyright infringement is intended.

Kurt groaned, wrapping an arm around his waist and pressing his other three-fingered hand to his fuzzy, aching nose. The room spun around him, and he prayed that he wouldn't go and do it yet again. He was so tired of being sick and so exhausted from bamfing that he could barely stand, but what was far worst were the situations he kept getting himself into when he bamfed uncontrollably.

In the short span of a couple of days, he had already seen far more than he'd ever wanted to see. He'd caught Bobby and Hank in the lab and Warren and Betts on the roof just last night. Teleporting into the Professor's private bathroom when Charles had been taking a solitary moment had been embarrassing enough, but when Kurt had suddenly appeared just before Wolverine while he'd been on the john, he'd quite nearly lost his life. Had he not finally sneezed at an opportune moment, Logan's claws would have cut him straight through the middle.

Kurt coughed, wheezed, and fought the urge to sneeze as more memories flashed through his mind. Just this morning, before hardly any of the others had awakened, he had sneezed and been carried into the kitchen where Scott had Jean on top of the stove, her long, bared legs wrapped tightly around him. He had left them in a puff of brimstone that had been the first realization to the lovers that they had been seen.

He had abruptly joined Kitty in the shower, nearly been speared by Psylocke when he'd interrupted an early morning training session by teleporting in between the ninja and the hologram of her opponent, and barely escaped from Wolverine with his body in tact on too many occasions to count. He'd surprised Ororo when she'd just been getting out of the shower, terrified Scott when he'd ported onto the windshield of the Blackbird as the jet had just been taking off, and even almost bamfed right off of the roof.

Kurt's head spun. He leaned to the side and would have fallen to the floor if he had not snaked out an arm to grab his bedpost. He had only been sick for a few days, but it felt like a year. He had spooked the bravest of his team mates and humiliated even the most serious until he felt as though he could look none of them in the eye. There wasn't a single one of his friends whom he had not somehow scared or angered in the past seventy-two hours, and though Hank had prescribed him pills, they seemed be barely slowing him down. He'd thought about trying to lock himself up, but that had never stopped him from teleporting before and he could control his bamfs no more than he could his explosive sneezes.

Kurt's head jerked back suddenly, and he sneezed. His eyes shut tight as he teleported, and he told himself that there wasn't anybody left to embarrass. He even tried to reassure himself that they all knew he was so sick that he had lost control of his teleportation power and would understand. They were his friends and family, after all. They would . . .

"Ah, chere," Remy LeBeau's voice moaned, "when ya touch me like dat, I lose all control . . . " The Cajun's voice gave way to moans, and Kurt fought to concentrate so that he could bamf out. His mind spun like two dice caught in a rattling cup until he finally dared to crack his yellow eyes open and peer out. If he could just make his way to the door, there would be no harm done for Remy and Rogue had not yet realized he was there.

But then he saw him, and Kurt's mouth fell wide open. His eyes nearly bulged out of his head, and he gasped, giving himself away had Remy not been too lost in his own moans, thoughts, and touches to hear him. For one moment, one moment that was far too quickly fleeting, Kurt had perfect clarity, and he wished to God that he'd never seen his friend like this.

Gambit was laid back across his bed of satin sheets, naked as the day he was born, with his own staff clutched in his hands that wore Rogue's gloves. Kurt stared in horror as LeBeau continued to stroke himself and croon words to the Rogue who was only there in his imagination. Kurt inhaled deeply, rubbed underneath his nose with the pointed tip of his furry tail, and promptly sneezed.

His sneeze delivered him to the medical wing again, where Hank was waiting, shot in hand. Beast whipped out, grabbing Kurt and delivering the shot, and Kurt went limp in his hands. Hank sighed and shook his head at Bobby. "Do not look so condescendingly upon me, my beloved. The injection was of utmost necessity. Our most esteemed albeit sadly embarrassed friend here was enduring his medication accurately but was teleporting at too extreme an uncontrollable velocity to be able to administer the required medicinal substances to himself at the properly timed intervals. This vaccine I have constructed will not only allow him to rest and recover at last but will do the task set before its brethren medicinal substances far more swiftly."

Bobby blinked as he sorted through the information, then he closed the distance between himself and his love. "My hero," he grinned, "and I suspect Kurt's, as well. Logan did swear he was going to kill him the next time he surprised him on the pot." They shared a laugh before carrying Kurt to bed and tucking their exhausted friend in beneath his covers for the night of rest he so sorely needed.

True to Hank's word, the shot and the other medication that followed the next morning cured Kurt of his flu bug in record time, but by then, it had already been shared and Wolverine was still cursing the Fuzzy Elf as his claws refused to obey him.

The End