I do not own 'Divergent' or anything related.
Hmm, now let's see, what's on Netflix today - Hey, what? 'Divergent' is now on!
Commentator: It is? WOOHOO! That means you can finally watch it and write the parody it so deserves! I mean I found the book enjoyable, even if it did have plot holes when you think about it afterwards.
Sammy The Slug: You mean like how everyone is only one thing when most real people are more than one?
Commentator: Strangely enough that never bothered me.
Sammy and The Professor: What?
Commentator: Yeah, the thing that people criticise Veronica Roth the most on (So much that she tried to answer this with 'Allegiant', which just created more problems than it resolved!), I had no problem suspending belief. And not as much as say, why people lose their minds over Divergents yet no one seems to batter an eye over - you know what, I'll let the parody bring that up. Also call me a cynic, but I think most people are NONE of those things, which is supported by the fact that factionless form the majority in the city.
Professor: Sir, I don't think it's a question of whether people ARE selfless, peaceful, honest, brave, intelligent or not, it's just that those virtues can't overlap.
Commentator: I guess, but like I said, I had no problem accepting that's just how this world works, it's like 'Harry Potter', although to use Divergent logic even most characters in that would be considered divergent, you know what, let's just get on with the parody!
Professor: Seriously? YOU are overlooking a flaw and not going to comment on it more?
Commentator: Prof, as strange as it sounds I don't obsess over EVERY flaw a piece of fiction has. In any case there are things much, much worse to comment on.
Sammy: What could be worse than something that the entire universe hangs on?
Commentator: You'll see what I mean.
In the city where I live, everyone is divided into five factions. There are Erudite-
"Wait," The Commentator interrupted, "THAT'S how you're supposed to pronounce the word? I've been saying air-ru-dite this whole time! Professor! Why didn't you tell me that I've been pronouncing it wrong?"
"That IS how you pronounce it, Sir."
"Then why did she say - hang on a minute, why am I suddenly in prose?"
"It's been decided that aside from at the beginning and end for the main parody we're to be in prose."
"-Huh. Well if it wasn't for the fact I've already been in this format for the 'Force Awakens' reaction fic I would find this kinda weird. So yeah if I have been saying it right then why did she say 'air-ryu-dite'?"
"I don't know, but that's the wrong pronunciation."
"So these people can't even pronounce 'erudite' right? I hope that is not a sign of how well this adaptation is."
Then there are-
"I mean seriously, how can you mispronounce a word that's literally spelt out for you? Er. Ru. Dite. Erudite! Where did this silent y come from? WHY do people think there's a silent yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?"
-As I was saying, then there are Amity, the kind faction.
"I think you mean peaceful," The Commentator corrected her.
Then there's Candor, the faction that tells the truth and values order.
"Can't imagine a society that values honesty being orderly!" The Commentator remarked, "Remind me, what jobs do Candor fill again?"
"I think they're meant to be lawyers."
"Well they can't be very good at their jobs if they're not allow to lie!"
"Sir!"
"Oh please, lawyers care more about winning their case regardless of the truth and you know it!"
Can I continue?
"By all means, main character narrating the story who is somehow aware of us," The Commentator allowed.
"I think it's because we're all fourth wall breakers."
"Which does make you wonder. When a main character is narrating, who exactly are they narrating to? Are they talking to the audience? How are they aware of the audience? Do they know that they're a fictional character? Why is it only when they're narrating that they are aware of this? Which does make you think about all those stories written from the first point of view as if the main character is aware that they're fictional and they're telling-"
Ahem!
"Sorry," The Commentator apologised, "We can continue this philosophical discussion later. Please continue."
Thank you. Mysterious obscure guy who is somehow able to interrupt my narrating. Ahem.
Then there's Dauntless, the brave faction.
"Hey, does anyone else think we look kinda stupid running all the time grinning like this?" One of the Dauntless asked.
"That sounds like factionless talk," The leader of the group said.
Later the group climbed a building.
"What exactly was the point of this?" The same Dauntless asking before asked.
"That's it, you're out of the faction!" The leader said.
"Wait I'm confused," The Commentator remarked, "Isn't Beatrice supposed to be narrating?"
Only the opening narration like from the film. Then finally there's Abnegation. Everyone else calls us stiffs.
"Really?" The Commentator asked, perplexed, "Even the kind ones?"
Especially the kind ones.
"….That doesn't make any sense."
For my brother Caleb, it's easy to be selfless.
"Here, let me help you with that," Caleb offered an old lady with her bags.
"Um, Prof, I think we've switch to a different film by mistake."
"No, Sir. We're still on Divergent."
"No, we have. We were watching Divergent, but we're now watching 'The Fault In Our Stars' starring Ansel Elgort as Shailene Woodley's love interest."
"Sir, the films just have the same actors."
"- Wait a minute! Are you seriously trying to tell me that the actors who were a couple in one film in this are brother and sister – heh, heh, heheheheheheh, AHAHAHAHAHAHAH! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA! That's friggin hilarious!"
"Not as hilarious as the fact that Caleb's meant to be the elder sibling even though he's two years younger than Shailene Woodley," The Professor remarked.
Beatrice's mother, after cutting her daughter's hair, reveals the mirror to her. As they hugged, Beatrice glanced another look in the mirror. The Commentator stared at the scene.
"Huh," He remarked, "This actually makes more sense than compared to in the book. I mean in the book it mentions that they're only allowed to look in the mirror every second day of every third month, and how Beatrice chances a glance when she's getting her hair cut. Which is a bit of an odd sentence. Maybe I was reading it wrong, but it sounded like Beatrice was expected not to look in the mirror when it's right in front of her. I mean how exactly can you avoid looking in a mirror when it's right in front of you? What do they have their eyes closed or something? If so why bother having the mirror in the first place when someone else is cutting your hair? It's not like they need it! And why have the mirror in the bedroom? Wouldn't the bathroom make more sense? AND SERIOUSLY? YOU ONLY EVER USED THE MIRROR ONCE EVERY SECOND DAY OF EVERY THIRD MONTH? I get that you think looking in a mirror is a sign of vanity but HOW DO YOU GET BY ONLY EVER USING A MIRROR EVERY SEASON? Sure you probably don't care what you look like, but do you think anyone else wants to look at you if your face looks all dirty and-"
"Sir?"
"Sorry, sorry. Focus. But do you see what I mean when I say the more you think about the book the more things don't add up?"
The factions' lives are so separate from each other that we go to school in separate lines. Which is kinda pointless when I think about it considering that we're all taught together.
"Yes, but how else were the filmmakers supposed to show how separate the factions are?" The Commentator pointed out, "Show you at school as different cliques like in the book?"
The test will tell me where I belong. Am I smart? Honest? Brave? Selfless? Or kind?
"Peaceful," The Commentator said through gritted teeth, "Am I the only person who thinks it's odd that they're portraying selflessness and kindness as completely different values? I mean how exactly can you be selfless but not kind? What are the Abnegation like "Oi! Smelly Homeless guy in rags! Here's food and clothing for you! Take it and shut up!"?"
"Well it's sort of implied that kindness is part of Amity as well," The Professor reasoned, "Besides can selflessness and peacefulness be separate values?"
"Simple!" The Commentator claimed, "You can put others before yourself without being able to control your temper, and you can be generally peaceful to everyone but not give a crap about the homeless guy sitting on the street! There, see how easy that is?"
"Even so, Sir, it looks like the Abnegation have got peacefulness down as well."
"What?"
A certain Candor boy (Who I'm sure is in no way going to be a main character) was harassing a group of Abnegation students in the line at school, who were doing their best to ignore him.
"So what, you Stiffs buy all that food for the Factionless, right?" The boy jeered, "Pfft, yeah right! You're not fooling anyone, everyone knows what you really do with it-"
"Yeah, that's right!" Beatrice, a few people behind, shouted back, "We keep the food all to ourselves! That's why we're all fat and plump rather than skinny and thin! I can see you wouldn't make it in the smart faction!"
"….I'll go away now."
"Yeah, you better walk away in shame!"
"Beatrice!" Caleb chided, dragging his sister away, "You should not have done that! What you just did went against our faction rules!"
"….It's against our selfless faction to NOT stand up for someone being picked on? Remind me, we're not the peaceful faction, right? Or the "kind" one?"
"How many times have I told you, Beatrice, not to ask questions? Asking questions also goes against our selfless faction!"
"What does asking questions have to do with being selfish?"
"That sounded like another question."
"And it's one I'm gonna have until I get an answer!"
Beatrice goes into the test room, where she gets uncomfortable with the mirror in front of her, despite the fact that this film shows she'll try to see her reflection any chance she gets.
"What is it with you Abnegation and mirrors?" The test administrator, Tori, asked without raising her head, making you wonder how she could have known Beatrice was uncomfortable in front of it.
"We reject vanity," Beatrice answered.
"I know," Tori answered.
"Then why did you ask what was it with my faction and mirrors?"
"Never met a curious Abnegation before."
"Still trying to wrap my head around what curiosity has to do with selfishness. Also we can't be the only faction that doesn't like mirrors. I always thought Candor didn't like them either considering that mirrors reflect an inaccurate and therefore deceptive view-"
"Shut up and drink this mysterious liquid that I'm not even going to tell you what it is," Tori snapped, "If you're worried that the test will tell you that you don't belong in your faction, don't worry. Ninety-Five percent get the same result as their faction of birth."
"Really?" The Commentator asked, sounding skeptical, "Ninety-Five? I reckoned it was more like fifty! I mean I know Abnegation leaving their faction is rare, but so wait judging from the number of transfers from Candor and Erudite to Dauntless, let's say four, that would mean there's what? Like a hundred initiates from each faction? Yeah, unless the majority of transfers got the result of their home faction I don't buy-"
"I was trying-" said Tori through gritted teeth, "To make the girl feel better."
"Then don't-" The Commentator replied through gritted teeth "do it in a way that defies common sense!"
Soon Beatrice found herself alone in the room, with nothing but reflections.
"Okay, as impressive as this looks, how exactly does this help me determine what faction I belong to?"
"It makes everything trippy before making you choose," Said a double of her, gesturing her to choose between a knife and a slab of meat.
"Wait what?" The Commentator looked shocked, "Okay, already I see a blunder when trying to adapt this to a film."
"Really?" The Professor asked, "THIS is the first thing you have a problem with?"
"Well yeah. I mean in the book, Beatrice is told to choose between a knife or a piece of cheese, to determine whether he has aptitude for either Amity (the cheese), or Dauntless (The knife). I mean cheese yes, but a bloody steak? Doesn't exactly ring 'peaceful' to me."
"Well actually some would say that a steak makes more sense given the choices for the dog."
"Well yeah it would if she actually knew about the dog, wouldn't it?"
"-Wait, what?" Asked Beatrice.
Sure enough a dog appeared, but Beatrice was able to not be attacked by submitting. Then when the dog went after a child, Beatrice threw herself on the dog when they both fell through the floor. She woke up in the Test Room.
"You need to leave, now!" Tori said.
"But what about my result?"
"You got Abnegation, Dauntless, and Erudite. You were only ruled out for two."
"Wait. Which part of that test ruled out Candor? I mean I wouldn't mind as much if it wasn't for the fact that you explicitly said that I would be "offered a series of choices to test my aptitude for each faction", so even if my choice threw off the choices-"
"You're divergent. It's extremely rare."
"Really? Extremely rare? I mean I could probably buy divergence as a minority, but you're seriously telling me it's extremely rare to be more than one thing? What are we genetically engineered to be the virtue we follow? No wait, what am I saying, that would only just create more complications than it would resolve!"
"Which I think is pretty much what this film does," The Professor concludes.
"What?" The Commentator asked.
"You'll see what I mean."
"Anyway, you need to go now!" Urged Tori.
"But why the rush?" Beatrice asked.
"I changed your result," Tori explained.
But Beatrice was still confused.
"So, I still don't understand why you need to panic or get rid of me-"
"Go now!"
Later that day, Beatrice and Caleb were having dinner with their parents.
"Just so you know, we love you, no matter what," Their Dad told them.
The two parents hug their children, then everything freezes. The Commentator, with the remote raised, has his jaw dropped.
"Did – they – just – HUGG?"
"Um, yes well it appears so," The Professor agreed.
The Commentator drops the remote.
"No."
He then starts walking around the room he was in.
"No no no no no no no no no no no no no no NO! ABNEGATION DO NOT HUG! It's made perfectly clear that Abnegation restrain from physical contact. I mean what you make a big deal about the fact that they don't like mirrors, yet you completely overlook a key aspect of Abnegation life that impacts on Tris' interactions with other people YOU GOSHDANG MORONS!"
Ha bashes his fists on a desk, which explodes.
The next day is the Choosing Ceremony.
"Wait is that pop music playing in the background?" The Commentator asked, "Of course! That's what Hunger Games was missing! Pop music!"
"Really, Sir?" The Professor asked with disdain, "You're going so low as to comparing this to Hunger Games?"
"Please, Prof, I think I've been merciful so far compared to others who compared this with Hunger Games!"
"We need to find out who is behind these rumours," Said the faction leader of Erudite to Beatrice's parents.
"I think we all know who's behind it," Said Beatrice's mum, Natalie, "I mean your name is on the article, Rita Skeeter."
"It's Jeanine, actually. Jeanine Matthews. And the fact that I'm introduced this early is not to foreshadow that I'm going to be the villain of the film."
After Jeanine spoke on the stage, she was followed by Marcus.
"Wait, so are all the faction leaders speaking today?" Beatrice asked.
"Of course not," Said Caleb, "Only one faction leader hosts the ceremony."
"Then why did we have two faction leaders speaking today?"
"It's certainly not to foreshadow that I'm going to be the villain if that's what you're thinking!" Jeanine called.
"So the Choosing Ceremony," The Abnegation representative, Marcus, explained, "Is like the sorting in 'Harry Potter', except you get to choose what house you want, using a big knife to decide."
And so, Beatrice decides on Dauntless. After the choosing is over, she puts a plaster over where she cut her hand. The Commentator stares, looking impressed.
"You know," The Commentator said, "This is another bit that makes more sense. I mean the book never mentions what they did with the wound after the cut, like it just healed instantly or was no big deal!"
After running on the train (Which seems less like a big deal compared to in the book), they then have to jump onto a roof (Which, again, seems easier compared to how it's described in the book!). After that they're told they have to jump down a hole. The whole group is hesitant.
"Are you serious?" The Commentator gaped with disbelief, "Not even you Dauntless born feel like you can jump?"
"I will."
It was Beatrice who spoke up.
"HAH!" The Commentator mocked, "You all got shamed by a Stiff!"
After jumping down, Beatrice falls into a net, where she is helped out by someone who I'm sure is not being set up to be the love interest!
"Hey, it's Theo James!" The Commentator exclaimed.
"Theo who?" Asked Sammy.
"Theo James! The star of 'Bedlam'! I'm sure Americans better know him as Kate Beckinsale's new boyfriend in the 'Underworld' films, and most Brits probably know him better as that Turkish ambassador guy in 'Downton Abbey' who died while having sex but to me he's the guy who can see ghosts in 'Bedlam', which I might have liked if it wasn't for the fact that it seemed they were TRYING to have a depressing ending at every episode. I mean seriously? He only just stopped breathing and you didn't even TRY to resuscitate wait he is meant to be Four?"
"Yes," The Professor answered.
The Commentator stares at Four.
"Remind me," He asked the Professor, "How old is Four meant to be again?"
"Well, in the book, eighteen."
"Eigh- Hehe. Haha! Hahahahahaha!"
The Commentator rolls with laughter.
"BWAHAHAHAHAHA! MAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!"
Looking up, he sees Four, takes a breath and bursts into laughter again. The Commentator gets up after getting a hold of himself.
"Okay. Okay. I know that America has a reputation of casting adults to play teenagers and even though I can suspend belief in the fact that Tris is being played by a twenty-two year old woman THERE IS NO WAY YOU CAN CONVINCE ME THAT THAT IS MEANT TO BE AN EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD!"
"He's not," The Professor answered.
"HE'S NOT?"
"No. Apparently they aged him up to twenty-five."
"- And remind me, how old is Tris again in this film?"
"Sixteen, just like in the book."
"- That's gonna make things weird if they plan to continue with the romance."
"They are."
The Commentator throws up.
After everyone jumps down the young man introduces himself.
"My name is Four."
"-Four, like the number?" Christina, a Candor transfer, asked.
"Exactly."
The Commentator was about to comment on Four's seemingly bizarre nickname when Christina beats him to it.
"What, were one, two, and three taken?"
The Commentator is speechless.
"...I've got nothing," He concluded, "You know, Christina would be great at Cinemasins!"
TING!
At dinner, Beatrice (Now called Tris) was examining a piece of food while wondering where the music she was hearing was coming from.
"What, you've never seen a burger before?" Christina asked.
"Stiffs eat plain food," Will, an Erudite transfer, explained.
"But this is plain!" Tris held up the patty on the fork, "This is as plain as a burger can be!"
"You know I'd be more convinced that Abnegation don't eat burgers if it actually looked appetising in a bun with lettuce and everything," The Commentator stated.
"Plant-based diet with no sauces and a minimum of seasoning," Will continued.
"Hey, we're not exactly vegetarian!" Tris protested, "We eat things like chicken and eggs! Besides, I would have though that a logic driven faction like Erudite would themselves focus on a nutritional diet, rejecting anything for enjoyment."
Will looked like he had been punched.
"Oo, she burned you good!" Christina jeered.
Later the initiates congregated at the Pit, where one of their faction leaders explained the purpose of rankings.
"Rankings will determine what jobs you move into. Leadership, guarding the fence, or keeping the Factionless from killing each other."
"I thought Dauntless don't police the Factionless anymore?" Tris asked someone.
During training (Which looks more intensive compared to how it's described in the book) Tris is made to fight Molly, who kicks her arse.
"Hey wait a minute, aren't I supposed to beat Molly- OOF!"
So because the film screwed Tris out of her major victory in the first stage, after losing to Peter, faction leader Eric tells Will and Christina that she was out before the results even were.
"He said something like you weren't suited for the rage of war, so pack up, go home, you're through," Will explained, "How could he make a man out of you?"
"Um, half of us transfers are girls," Tris pointed out.
"His words, not ours," Christina added.
Not being happy with this (given that one of the themes is that it's good to be a rebel), Tris joins the others on what should have been Paintball.
"Who let you out?" Eric demanded.
"I did," Tris answered.
"YOU let yourself out? Okay."
"Wow," Tris said to herself when Eric walked away, "I'd expected more from Eric. Not that I'm complaining!" Tris added quickly.
"Wait, what do you mean that this SHOULD have been paintball?" The Commentator asked.
Well the paint balls have been replaced with darts that simulate being shot.
"...You're kidding, right?" The Commentator asked.
Eric shoots Molly in the leg as an example, causing her to cry out in pain.
"Okay I've decided," The Commentator concluded, "Dauntless is WAY more sadistic in the film compared to in the book!"
Afterwards everyone sees how they ranked.
"Hey, I managed to get through!" Tris said in relief, "I guess they counted my victory and my beating Molly. Just as well considering it seemed they almost removed my beating her from the book!"
While helping with moving grain, Tris comes across a familiar face.
"Mom, you can't be here! Because apparently even though Erudite comes here all the time, along with Amity so I can't see a reason why even members of the government of the entire city can't be here-"
"Beatrice, listen to me. I need to know what you're results were."
"They were inconclusive."
"You can't tell anyone. Not even your friends."
"So you're basically here to tell me the exact same thing that Tori's already told me?"
"Pretty much."
"And you haven't come to ask me anything else?"
"Hey, what are you initiate doing there?" A guard demanded to know.
"Me? What you don't this other woman as well?"
"-What other woman?"
"That woman, that one right-"
Tris looks around, to see that her mum has suddenly vanished.
"Okay. So apparently my Mom is a ninja. Or Batman. Woman. Batwoman."
Oh shoot! thought Natalie as she returned home, I forgot to ask Beatrice to ask her brother to research the simulation serum!
During the second stage of initiation, Tris proves to be too good that it draws suspicion. She speaks to Tori, who told her how her brother also proved to be too good in the simulation, and he later winded up dead, which worries Tris.
"Again, this makes more sense," The Commentator commented, "I mean Tris is genuinely afraid of getting caught after hearing this story, whereas in the book she's like "oh wow! so I can be really good at this!""
So Tris goes to visit her brother, asking him if maybe there's a way to go back to her old faction.
"However this scene makes no sense now," The Commentator commented.
After leaving her brother, Tris is confronted by a couple of Erudites.
"Erudite security? That made as much sense in the book as it does now! What are you going to use your brains to make me come with you, or something?"
"You need to come with us," One of them told her, "It is in your best interest to do so."
Tris found herself convinced by their argument.
"Wow, you guys are good!"
"Faction before blood," Jeanine was telling Tris, "It's an important ideal, but sometimes difficult to fulfil."
"Well, the phrase is 'faction before blood', not 'faction, no blood'," Tris reasoned, "so it's not asking you to abandon your family relations entirely just that faction loyalty takes priority."
"….That is fair reasoning. Perhaps you should have chosen Erudite."
"Well it was an option. At the ceremony I mean!"
After getting back to the compound, Tris is attacked by a group of masked figures who try to push her down a chasm. She is saved by Four, but not before unmasking one of her assailants.
"I can't believe Al tried to do this," Tris lamented.
"I can't believe it, either," Remarked the Commentator, "No seriously, I can't believe it! I mean in the book you can see Al's struggle and his frustration, and his envy from Tris who didn't reciprocate his feelings. So yeah, in the film, all you see is a suspicious Al asking Tris if there is a way for the test to be easier, and we're supposed to think that that leads to attempted murder?"
"Well there is also this from Four," The Professor mentioned.
"What?"
"He's been struggling," Four tells Tris.
The Commentator gapes at him.
"- That's supposed to make up for it?"
"What?" The Professor asked.
"Prof, haven't you ever heard of the term 'show, don't tell'? Well this is definitely not showing! I mean aside from the scene with the knives WHEN have we seen him struggle? Heck we've seen Molly struggle more than anyone else! (By the way, does anyone else think that whoever wrote this script really hated the character?)"
"Well she is a pretty despicable character."
"Which you wouldn't know unless you've read the book! Just because you say the character's been struggling, it doesn't make it believable, especially saying it after the event has happened!"
Later at dinner, Al speaks to Tris.
"I know out here isn't the best place to confess, but I'm sorry. Can you forgive me?"
"Forgive you? YOU TRIED TO KILL ME!"
"No, no, it was only meant to scare you!"
"Well I'd probably believe that if it wasn't for the fact that Peter clearly said "push her off"!"
In order to prepare Tris for the final test so that she doesn't come across as divergent, Four helps her train in his fear landscape.
"Um, wouldn't it make more sense if I was to train with my own fears?"
Afterwards, Tris and Four, who is revealed to be fellow Abnegation transfer Tobias Eaton, kiss. The Commentator rubs his forehead.
"Okay. This is perhaps the biggest blunder the film's made. So Tobias is meant to be twenty-five, and Tris is sixteen, remind me, what's the age of consent in the state of Illinois?"
Age Of Consent In The State Of Illinois: Seventeen
"Hello Officer?" The Commentator was on the phone, "I like to report that an adult is sexually taken advantage of a sixteen year old girl! I mean okay there's no actual sex, but there's kissing and groping-What? That's enough? He'll be put away for a long time? Good to know!"
He slams the phone down.
"I mean seriously? SERIOUSLY? You didn't see that would cause problems? You didn't think of what it looks like? What you've done to their relationship? I mean if this was somewhere where the age of consent is at least sixteen, like in most of the world (including half of US states!) it wouldn't be as bad, but this is America! America, where any relationship between a legal adult and someone who's under eighteen is condemned! Even though that doesn't stop American media from sexualizing teenagehood, mainly by getting twenty year olds to play the roles. I mean you might have gotten away with it in the nineties, but not now! I mean sure, in a certain other dystopian novel series it's established that the age of consent is sixteen, or rather the minimum age a person can be to have sex with, and you kinda accept that this society is so distant from America that it is different. But this feels too close to modern America, heck it's even still called Chicago! I mean don't get me wrong, Theo James does a great job as Four, but couldn't you have aged Tris up a little? Like make her eighteen or something? Or maybe even seventeen? Was it so hard to change her age to a year, one measley year? But no, you wanted to keep her as sweet sixteen, because everyone knows that sweet sixteen is the best year for teenage characters to be! I mean one of the things that's brought up is how much older Four is compared to Tris, and that's just by two years! Now you've made him like a decade older and no one's supposed to make a fuss you morons!"
He smashes another desk that replaced the previous one. The Commentator breathes harshly.
"Why the nineties?" The Professor asked.
"Ever heard of a relationship between Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Angel?"
"Well, yes Angel was older than her, but the fact that he was biologically of college age meant that biologically he would only have been a few years-"
"He was established to have been twenty-six when he died."
The Professor and Sammy's jaws drop.
"Yeah. I know."
And so Tris begins her final test.
"Now to fight out the crows. The Dauntless way. And now escape the tank! The Dauntless way!"
"By using your brains and surveying your surroundings to see how to stop the water?" The Commentator asked, "That sounds more like an Erudite way of overcoming this. Come to think of it, I would have thought bashing the glass would have been the Dauntless way!"
After seemingly passing the test, Tris is given one final task: Executing her family.
"Ah. I can see from Caleb wearing Abnegation clothing that this isn't real. Wait, aren't I supposed to be able to tell whether it's a sim? Shouldn't it therefore be impossible to trick me considering I'm-
"People are still watching you know," The Commentator reminded her.
"Huh? Oh right!"
BANG!
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" The Commentator shouted, "DID YOU COMPLETELY MISUNDERSTAND THE POINT OF ALL THIS? This was all about overcoming fears, not responding to situations 'The Dauntless way'! And this scene was supposed to show that Tris would rather die than kill her family, it showed a key aspect of her character and you went ahead to replace it with her just doing things 'the Dauntless way' You - you-?"
The Commentator starts crackling with electricity.
"Oh no," The Professor moaned, "I think Sir is reaching Code Amber levels."
"Code Amber?" Asked Sammy, "But he hasn't gotten that frustrated since 'Heroes' Volume Four episode twenty-four 'I Am Sylar'!"
"Quick Sam! Get his stress ball!"
After passing Initiation everyone celebrates. As they walk down the corridor in triumph Will puts his arm over Christina's shoulders.
"Wait are you two a couple now?" Tris asked, taken aback, "When did that happen?"
"Off screen," She was told.
"Oh okay. Speaking of, whatever happened to that blond haired guy? You know, one of the initiates who visibly congratulated me for standing up to Eric during the knives incident?"
"You mean, Edward?" Christina asked, "Tris don't you remember? He left."
"He got cut?"
"Well stabbed in the eye, yes."
"WAIT WHAT? When did that happen?"
"Off screen."
"Oh, okay."
Later everyone is injected with orange simulation serum, which Tris realises is meant to control the Dauntless.
Oh no! Thought Tris. I have to warn Tobias! But I can't find him. So instead I'll think I'll sleep it off.
Sure enough, nearly everyone is turn into a mindless soldier, apart from Tris and Tobias, who are found out.
"I should just kill you right now," Said Dauntless leader Max, pointing his gun at them, "but instead I'm going to change my mind for no reason and take you to see the mastermind, instead."
Jeanine stared at Tris.
"I'm so heartbroken that the girl I considered like a daughter turned out to be Divergent. Sure we only had a couple of scenes. But they were meaningful!"
"Why are you attacking these innocent people?" Tris demanded to know.
"Abnegation, if left unchecked, will destroy the peace."
"What are you talking about?" Tobias asked, "We've had peace for years until you decided to take over!"
"We will restore the peace, and this time, it will-"
"Oh for the love of – SHUT. THE F**K UP!"
Jeanine was startled at the figure talking to her.
"Who are you?" She asked the Commentator.
"Someone who has been watching your film with great frustration! At least your reasoning made sense in the book, with the whole wanting to bring the city to prosperity. But here, going on about restoring peace even though there was already peace? That's like going on about wanting to make a country great again even though it was already great before you put the guy in POWER! You- you-"
The Commentator starts crackling with electricity again, this time with bolts striking different parts of the room.
"Oh no," The Professor moaned, "We've now reached Code Orange."
"I'll get his stress ball!" Sammy offered.
"I think we're passed stress ball at this moment. Sir. Forgive me!"
He opens a portal that the Commentator falls through.
"STUPID!"
Before the portal closes a lightning bolt shoots up and through the ceiling.
"By this rate he'll be reaching Code Red soon."
"What's Code Red?" Tobias asked.
"When he blows up everything. Ahem. Well, get back to your conversation. Just ignore us."
Everyone just continued staring at the Professor and large talking slug.
"We'll get out of your way."
And they disappear through the portal. Everyone continued to stare where they were for a while.
"Ahem," Jeanine cleared her throat, "Now then-"
"Wait, are we really going to pretend that didn't happen?" Asked one of her aides.
"I guess so," Was Jeanine's answer.
"Wow," The Professor remarked, "We really don't fit in well with 'Divergent' compared to others."
The Commentator appears out of a portal.
"You dropped me in a portal! I should destroy you right now! Just tell me how much more of this film I have to suffer through?"
"Well after Tris escapes with help from her mother (Who is killed by Dauntless soldiers) she finds Abnegation survivors (Along with Caleb who defected) then goes off to the Dauntless compound to shut down the simulation controlling the Dauntless, with Caleb, Marcus Eaton and her father accompanying her. They infiltrate the compound where she shoots Peter.
"Was that really necessary?" Marcus asked.
"Wait. I thought you would tell me that pain is necessary for the greater good?"
"Whatever gave you that idea?"
"Well I thought that someone who would beat his own son-"
"You know what let's keep moving!"
The Professor continued to narrate.
"They then find where the computers are, along with Jeanine."
"Oh no, not her again!" The Commentator moaned.
"Are you about to give me another speech?" Tris demanded to know.
"Please don't," The Commentator pleaded, massaging his head, "I don't know how much more of her bullcrap I can take!"
"Seriously, I've never known a villain to have so many speeches!"
"The brilliance of the faction system" Jeanine started to explain, "is that conformity to the faction removes the threat of anyone exercising their independent will."
The Commentator continued to rub his temples.
"That is not what the factions do or meant to do," He corrected, "the factions each represent a virtue that seeks to eliminate a vice they believe caused conflict."
"Although she's not completely right," Sammy defended, "in 'Allegiant'-"
The Commentator raises a shaking finger.
"All right, clever clogs!" Tris challenged, "If you're so clever, answer me this one question."
"And what's that?"
"If the factions are meant to make people conform – then why accept initiates from other factions in the first place?"
"….Come again?"
"Well, okay someone from one faction might get an aptitude for a different faction, but chances are they might have got a result for the faction where they came from, and just transferred to a different faction anyway. I mean you think that Divergents are a threat to a faction system because they don't conform to a single virtue, but what about those in a faction with a completely different result? At least a divergent has, to use the metaphor used in the book, 'wiring' of that virtue they might have chosen, but someone with a different result has no wiring of the faction they're in, and therefore are incapable of truly conforming to that faction's rules and being fully conditioned to think the way their faction expects them to think! And even if they did fail Initiation, what happens if they're so good that they become the top of their class and are offered a position with the leaders?"
"...People should know their own mind-" Jeanine started to say before Tris interrupted her.
"Oh, so now you're saying the aptitude test is completely pointless! If that's true, then why bother with it at all? Why would a divergent's result be valid whereas a non-divergent's wouldn't be? Anyway, what happens if someone who is genuinely selfless joins a faction for brave, what happens then?"
Jeanine clutches her head.
"It's the whole purpose of the story, she couldn't have overlooked something so huge!"
Jeanine screamed before collapsing on the ground.
"Oh dear," The Professor expressed sympathy, "Her logical mind couldn't process the illogical world she was in."
"Ha," The Commentator mocked, "logical mind my arse!"
And so a brainwashed Tobias attacks Tris, but she manages to help him come to his senses.
"What?" One of the Erudites cried, "Impossible! How did you break free of our control?"
"Through the power of love!" Tris told him.
"Are you kidding us? We're scientists! We do not accept that as a logical reason!"
"Would you accept the power of boners?" The Commentator asked.
"Hmmmm. Sexual attraction over riding the brain. Yeah, that makes sense!"
"EWWWW!" Tris cried, "You make it sound so dirty when you say it like that!"
"Someone stop them!" Another of the Erudites cried as they advanced on them.
"On no!" Cried Tris, "The two trained soldiers are about to be overpowered by a bunch of scientists! What are you going to use your brains to beat us?"
"You need to drop your weapons," One of the Erudites told them "It would be in your best int-"
"Don't give them a chance to speak!" Tris warned.
After defeating them all, Tris tries to force Jeanine to stop the simulation by pointing a gun to her head, but is unable to pull the trigger.
"Guess you're not really Dauntless," Jeanine told her.
"Killing has nothing to do with being brave! But maybe you're right. I'm not Dauntless. I'm Divergent!" Tris cried as she injected Jeanine with the serum, making her stop the simulation. An enraged Jeanine tries to stab Tris.
"Attacking someone out of anger? Not a very rational thing to do."
Tris punches her out cold.
And so they escape, taking Peter with them for some reason.
"I don't know who I am anymore," Tris sa
"YOU JUST SAID WHO YOU WERE ABOUT THREE MINUTES AGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
The Commentator once again crackles with electricity, more fierce this time than the times before.
"Oh no!" The Professor cried, "Everyone out of the universe, quick!"
He grabbed Sammy as he opened a portal. The slug notices something.
"Wait, Prof, look!"
The Commentator manages to concentrate all of his electrical energy into a ball.
"Alright, either I get to blow up something, or I will blow up!"
"Well...Maybe if you just throw it randomly chances are you won't hit anyone," The Professor suggested.
"Alright, fine!"
He tosses it in the air.
Jeanine gets up.
"Right then. Time to continue with my war, because Divergents are a threat to - Hey, what's that?"
Jeanine sees the giant electrical ball coming at her.
"Oh sh-"
The Dauntless compound exploded.
Professor: So Sir, what did you think of the film?
Commentator: What did I think? Yeah this was bad. I mean it was just awful. Not completely irredeemable, mind you, I mean I like the visual look, like how Chicago looks like a ruined city that has been modified for the new inhabitants. Some of the soundtrack was also good. Oh I'm not talking about the pop music, I mean moments like the music being played when Tris starts her initiation. The acting was also great. The main problem came when characters opened their mouths, apart from Christina who is by far my favourite character. But I'm not talking about everything they said, I'm talking mainly about the changes they make. Whereas some of the changes worked, the major ones where they replace Tris overcoming her fear with acting 'the dauntless way' or Jeanine's reasons for war, it just doesn't work. Most of the time it feels like they were trying to improve or correct the book, and what we have seen from 'Allegiant', trying to fix the book's plot holes just makes more. I mean when you think about it, even great critically acclaimed pieces of fiction have plot holes, but if it entertains you, then you're more forgiving of any plot holes you realised it had.
Professor: So do you think the film would have been better if they had just been more faithful to the book rather than making changes?
Commentator: Well probably, but even then I don't think it would have been a complete success. I mean 'Divergent' is a hard book to adapt into a film. Consider something like Hunger Games for example. What's its premise? A group of kids are sent to kill each other, which is an easier story to adapt into a film, heck they already made a film with that premise! But what's 'Divergent's? About a mild mannered girl who becomes more ruthless and powerful. In the book, we follow how Tris becomes more confident, but it's much harder to portray that into a film without most of it is coming across as, to paraphrase a reviewer, a 'montage film'.
Sammy: So, do you think we'll be back to abridge and commentate on 'Insurgent', or 'Allegiant'?
Commentator: Oh heck no! Anon had no interest to read any book in this series after 'Divergent' and I've had my fill of these films! If people want to see what's wrong with it, they can go check out Cinemasins!
Professor: You know it's just as well we stopped with this. I don't think Sir could have lasted the first four minutes of the next film.
Images of Jeanine were across the city.
"The vast wall," She was saying, "that encloses this city may protect us from our toxic surroundings-"
"Okay," The Commentator interrupted, "Ignoring the fact as to how this fence is supposed to stop toxic air from coming in, YOU JUST SHOWED PEOPLE LIVING OUTSIDE THE FENCE ONE FILM AND YEAR AGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
An electrical surge engulfs the city, leaving a huffing and puffing Commentator in the middle of a crater.
"There! Now I have spared you all a reason for seeing anymore of these stupid films!"
"HOORAY!" Cried everyone who hated these films.
"Boo!" Cried those who probably liked them.