This is an angst filled response to the latest episode to air. It's an extreme version of where I see Gail Peck's character heading and one I hope doesn't happen. Suicide warnings for below.
Gail stared idly into the bottom of the bottle of whiskey, swirling the liquid around inside the glass container, watching as the light filtered through the alcohol. The blonde haired woman lifted the bottle to her lips, covered the opening with her mouth and swallowed the burning liquid in a series of long gulps. It raced down her throat to settle in the pit of her gut, burning down through her digestive tract, the pain blurring around the edges as the fire singed away her nerve endings.
The woman's glassy eyes flickered away from the bottle to the wall of her bedroom, chuckling at the sight of the photographs stamped up against her wall, pushed into the surface of the plasterboard with tacks and pins. "Some life," She muttered darkly, swallowing another large gulp of whiskey to burn away the pain in her chest. "They won't miss me."
Gail patted the bed at her side, picking up a bottle of prescription painkillers, smiling at the way that the small white pills knocked together in the bottle. "Hey little guys," The woman said with an airy laugh. "You're going to make everything go away. There'll be no more Gail Peck after this, perhaps that's a good thing? I mean, no one's ever really liked Gail Peck. Not even Gail Peck."
The blonde haired woman snorted at her words, knocking back another large mouthful of whiskey before propping the bottle up between her thighs as she sat cross-legged on her bed. The Police Officer tore the lid of the bottle of pills, listening to the way that they clanked together as she tipped them onto her hand. "One for me," She sang quietly, placing one pill in the middle of her left palm. She shifted another two pills into the palm of her hand, continuing to hum quietly until five gleaming white pills sat in her hand.
"This should be enough to start." She mumbled, cocking her head to the side as she lifted her hand to her face, opening her mouth before throwing the pills back into the open cavern. She swallowed the pills with a mouthful of whiskey to wash them done, barely feeling the ache of the burn in her throat. "There'll be no more Gail Peck in the morning." The woman muttered gleefully. "No more Gail Peck, perhaps it's for the best."
Gail swallowed another three mouthfuls of pills, crunching them between her teeth before washing them down with the whiskey, feeling the weight of the alcohol in her stomach. "No more snarky grump to bring them down, maybe Dov will be happy now?" She murmured thoughtfully, swallowing another long gulp of whiskey. "No more pessimistic outsider."
The woman swallowed another pill, laughing as tears rose up her tear ducts and threatened to burst over her cheeks. "I'll still be cold though, as cold as ice, frozen – dead." Gail smiled at those words, chasing the pill down with another mouthful of whiskey, swirling the remains in the bottom of the bottle.
Gail reached sideways for her phone, grabbing the small device off the edge of the bedside table, curling onto her side in the middle of the bed as she unlocked the screen. Her fingers led her through the menus towards Holly's name, tapping against the message icon before typing out a series of words, her eyebrows furrowed as she concentrated on the forms of the letters blurring across the screen. "I'm sorry." She typed. Two simple words to express her regret – perhaps Holly would understand what they meant and perhaps she would ignore the message, but Gail felt lighter for trying.
Impulsively Gail clicked the call icon next to Holly's name after pressing send on the text, desperate to hear the soft soothing sounds of Holly's voice sliding into her ear, even if it came from the woman's voicemail message.
"Hello?" A tentative voice came through the speakers of Gail's phone, prompting the woman's eyebrows to furrow in confusion. "Gail?"
"Holly." Gail breathed out softly, her lips curling upwards at the corners despite the heavy ache in the pit of her stomach. "Maybe this is better, maybe this is how I can apologise."
"What are you talking about Gail?" Holly asked, her voice taking on a fine edge of anger and resignation. "Are you drunk?"
"Drunk?" Gail murmured, tasting the word on the end of her tongue. "Yes, probably, but it's better this way. Much better."
"How is being drunk better?" The dark haired woman asked with a huff. Gail pictured her running her long fingers through her fine locks of hair, brushing them away from her face as she pinched her eyes closed.
"I'm more honest drunk." Gail answered. "I can say sorry for being that cold bitch that doesn't let anyone else inside. I can say that I regret saying those things to you, because I didn't mean them, I just hurt. I can say that I hope you're happy with whoever you're with now, because you deserve the best of everything and I know that I wasn't that. I'm not good Holly I'm bad. I'm the worst thing ever. I'm rotten inside, but this is all right, because you're so good. You don't deserve me bringing you down, so this is better, much better. You'll be brilliant without me. I know you will."
"What are you talking about Gail?" Holly answered, her voice tinged with a slightly fearful tone. "You're scaring me."
"I never meant to do that." Gail frowned, biting down on her bottom lip as she struggled to think, the fog descending on her brain. "You're good Holly, so good, that I thought maybe I could be good with you. But I messed it up, I know I did, I'm like human poison, I turn everything I touch bad. This is better. It will be better."
"Gail, honey, please you're scaring me." Holly whispered softly, biting down on the worry in her voice. "Where are you? I'll come over, we can talk."
"No, you don't want to come over. It'll be better this way." The blonde haired woman muttered. "I'm just going to be cold now Holly, like I've always been, and that's all right. You'll be happy with your new whatever, Dov will be happy, Chris will be happy, fuck, even Chloe will be happier and you know she's always happy. Everything will be better. It'll be better."
Holly swallowed hard, her heart thundering in her chest as she struggled to listen to Gail's words, sitting heavily on her couch in the middle of her apartment staring at the small photograph of Gail resting on her mantelpiece. "Gail, please, can you please just talk to me. Tell me you're all right."
"I'm cold Holly." Gail answered truthfully, her limbs growing numb as she closed her eyes to enjoy the sensation of Holly's words flowing through her ears. "Chris told me that last week. He told me that I'm cold and I don't let things get to me, he doesn't understand, I let things get to me all the time. I don't know how to block out the feelings so I just push them away I did that to you. I pushed you away because I didn't understand. It's better this way. I won't hurt anyone else."
"Gail you're hurting me right now." Holly confessed softly, biting down on her bottom lip to suppress the urge to whimper. "Please, tell me where you are, I'll sit with you whatever you need."
Gail blinked softly, licking her dry lips as shudders ran through her body, her stomach clenching hard as her muscles spasmed underneath her skin. "I'll be in your office tomorrow." She murmured.
"What?" Holly felt a cold shiver run down her spine.
"I'll be cold." Gail mumbled, a dry laugh rising up her throat. "Don't let them make you take me. You shouldn't. I'll just poison you again."
"Gail, stop talking and let me know where you are?" Holly pleaded desperately.
"I'm cold." The blonde haired woman answered softly. "I'll be cold tomorrow. I don't want you to touch me tomorrow Holly. I'll be cold. You deserve warmth. You deserve all the warmth."
Holly's heart stuttered in her chest, bursting out of her body through her sternum to leap into her chest as a sob rose up her throat. "Gail, please, don't… whatever you've done we can fix this. We can."
"It's better this way." Gail murmured. "It'll be better for everyone. I don't ever do anything right, you'll be happy without me, it'll be better. Everyone will be warmer. I'll be out of your life and everything will be better. Who needs Gail Peck? No one's ever liked Gail Peck anyway. My fiancé stood me up on the night before our wedding to go to Afghanistan without a reason, Chris left me because Dov liked me, Dov didn't want me in the end, and he was just high. Lisa was right; I'm not good enough for you. You deserve better."
"You don't get to make that decision for me Gail." Holly whimpered softly, swallowing passed the lump in her throat. "Please Gail, just tell me where you are, I can make it better. I promise."
"No," Gail mumbled shaking her head wearily. "This is better. Everything will be better. You'll be happy without me, I just bring people down, I don't know what to do with happiness, I poison it Holly. Everyone can be happy without me. I'll still be cold but I won't affect anyone else."
"It'll affect me." Holly confessed desperately. "It'll hurt me. Gail, you aren't cold, you are so warm and good. You're not those things."
"But I am." Gail disagreed. "Everyone tells me that I'm cold. They say that I'm bad. This is better. This will be better. You deserve better. I tried Holly; I tried to follow my Mom's rules. She told me to always remember who I am, I'm Gail Peck but Gail Peck doesn't want to be Gail Peck any more. She told me to work harder than everyone did, and I have, I've worked so hard and it just doesn't matter. I'm always on the outside. I'm always cold."
"Oh Honey, you're not I promise you for not." Holly whispered, digging her fingernails into the skin of her thigh as she struggled to keep a grasp on her emotions, squeezing the tears back into her eyes.
"I broke the last rule Holly." Gail muttered softly, her voice cracking as she spoke, the heaviness spreading throughout her limbs. "I screwed up."
Gail's mind floated away, her muscles going into spasm as she shuddered on the bed. The phone fell from her ear to clatter against the floor, Holly's worried desperate tone screaming Gail's name through the receiver, but she couldn't hear it anymore.