It's difficult for him to remember a time when he believed. When he was positive that everything was sugar and light, that everyone lives forever and no one ever dies
It's difficult for him to remember a time when he was innocent, when he was simple. When he didn't have the dark and hidden twists and turns to sort through.
When he was still an easy-read children's book and not an in-depth novel.
Hermione's always there for him, even when he drops heavy hints for her to go away and leave him alone. She's always there, at every corner and every junction. She's always there with her charts and quotes, explaining in great detail about how deep depression in adolescence can harm your physical health and not only your emotional well-being. How depression affects everyone around him, especially those closest to him. She's always there, even when he needs to be alone.
He reminds himself that this time, it'll just be one. One drink, one smoke, one anonymous blow job at a dirty London bar. He always fails to keep his word and tells himself, "Just once more, just this once more and I'll be off for good."
Of course, it can be addicting.
It's difficult for him to remember a time when he was young and bright. When he was so very sure that he didn't need help, friendly or professional.
It's difficult for him to remember a time when people were there for him. When people were there for him because they liked him, or loved him, or even gave a shit about him. When people were generally concerned about his mental health, and not just a "Hope you feel better soon."
In other words, when Harry was alive.
Two years ago, a life without his best friend, his lover, sounded improbable. It would never happen to Harry, because hadn't they vowed to protect each other until the end?
Two years ago, he would have cried over the loss.
A lot can happen in two years.
It wasn't merely the news alone that caused him to go rolling into the wide fields of depression. It was more the terrible, ice-cold, bone-chilling shock that ran through him afterwards. The feeling of guilt, of rage, of sadness.
Of complete and total denial.
He knows it now, and will always know it. He'll answer most questions about the tragic demise, about the relationship. He'll smile a sad and pathetic smile when they ask for a photo. He'll pose for a picture in the paper.
His good habits are always overshadowed by his guilty conscience. He always vows, always promises with all his heart that this time, it'll only be once.
But afterward, all he can think or say is the same.
"Just one more and the pain will go away."