"The way sadness works is one of the strange riddles of the world."
-Lemony Snicket
Chapter 1: Trust
Edward handed the mug of tea to Kristen as he sat down on the bed, a small smile tugging at his lips.
"You are so sweet." Kristen said quietly. Edward watched her, confusion on his face. She looked upset.
"Kristen, what's the matter?" He asked as she looked down at the mug in her hands, steam wafting up from the warm liquid inside. She looked around, looking at everything but him, her eyes looking over the messy bedspread before looking up at him.
"Um ..." She paused looking up at Edward. "I'm scared." She said simply. It was enough to give Edward pause, increasing his confusion. Was she scared of him? Of what just happened? Should he have ... Should he have said no? Maybe they were rushing things too quickly. He could feel his heart rate speed up, his body stiffen with nerves.
"Of what?" He asked confused.
"Of Tom Dougherty." She said, fear evident on her face. "He used to tell me that ... If he ever saw me with another man ... He would kill me."
Edward watched her, could see the fear on her face. Would she leave him because of this? Edward knew Tom wasn't a problem anymore but ... She didn't. She thought he would come back at any time.
Edward shifted nervously as Kristen continued. "I'm terrified of what would happen if he comes back."
"You don't need to worry about that." Edward said, trying to sound more comforting than factual.
"You don't know him." She said, looking at him as if he were some kind of sweet, naive child. "He's a ... A monster."
"Listen to me." Edward said, "You do not need to worry about Tom Dougherty." He said kissing her hand making her smile.
"You are sweet." She said kindly. "But you're not a fighter. You couldn't possibly take him on." Edward nodded biting his lip as he stared down at the space of bed between them.
"You think I'm weak." He said quietly, more as a matter of fact than an assumption. It didn't surprise him, everyone thought so.
"What? No, Edward," she reassured him quickly, reaching out and taking his hand in hers. "You're not weak. But you're just not an aggressive person. You're… better than that."
"You can stay here if you like ... If ... If you'd feel safer." He said. He hated lying to her but he knew he couldn't tell her ... "At least it would be better than being alone and ... And he wouldn't know you're here."
Kristen smiled slightly, touched by his concern, no longer feeling quite so stupid for voicing her fears out loud. "You… want me to stay?" she asked, strangely a little more nervous about that than about what they'd just done. Guys she'd dated in the past weren't usually interested in spending quality time after sex. What if she outstayed the romance, and he finally realised how boring and ordinary she was? She still didn't understand why he liked her so much. Edward felt like such a mystery to her. "Are you sure it's alright? I wouldn't want to impose…"
"You'd never impose on me." He said leaning forward and kissing her gently. "You're welcome here any time ..."
She kissed him back, then smiled. "You really are sweet," she said. And she did feel safer here, with Edward, then she knew she would at home with her thoughts and her worries. "I guess I can stay a little longer then, if you promise you won't get tired of me."
"Never." He said crawling over to his side of the bed. "You should drink your tea, before it gets cold." He said sitting against the headboard. He sat there watching her for a moment before his hand moved up to her shoulder, his fingers tracing the line of the thin strap of her slip. "Would you ..." Edward paused a moment. No, that's rushing. Don't ask. "Never mind ..." He said quietly.
"Would I?" she repeated, looking up from her tea at him. She kissed him softly on the neck. He hadn't voiced what he wanted to ask, but from the way his fingers trailed over her shoulder, she got the impression that he'd want her to set aside her cup of tea shortly.
Edward tilted his head, enjoying her lips on his neck. "No that's ..." He paused. She obviously thought he meant ... "I just ... Not that." He said quietly. "I mean if you want to we can but that's ..." Why was he so useless at talking? "I was just going to ask ... That is ..."
Kristen stopped and looked up at him, confused that she'd misread the signal. "What is it?" she asked.
Edward sighed and looked down, playing with the corner of the blanket as he spoke. "Do you think ... You'd ever consider ... Well ... Moving in with me?" He asked, the last part he said so fast he wondered if it even made sense.
Kristen's eyes widened slightly. "Edward," she said, a little stunned. "That's a big step. It seems a little early for that, don't you think?"
She liked Edward a lot … but she felt like she still didn't completely understand him. Then again, hadn't she wanted him to let her in, to get closer, to know him better? But moving in with him now, while so much was unknown, was a huge risk. This whole time they'd been together, a part of her remained uneasy, waiting for something in this fairytale romance to go wrong, the way things always did. But it hadn't happened. She knew things couldn't stay this perfect forever… What if she took that risk right before everything fell apart? What would she do then?
Still, no one had ever made her this happy before. She didn't want to lose that out of fear either.
"But… I'll think about it," she promised, looking him in the eyes sincerely.
Ed kept staring at the bed, playing with the corner of the blanket still. 'I'll think about it.' Always meant no, as he'd learned from his father years ago ... He shouldn't have asked.
"Okay ..." He said looking up at her, and smiling softly. A fake smile he'd had years to perfect. "It's okay ... I ... I shouldn't have asked."
"No, it's alright," Kristen said with a soft smile. "It doesn't hurt to ask." She kissed him on the cheek.
It did hurt to ask ... But Edward didn't say anything. "You should finish your tea. It's getting cold." He said shifting down on the bed, watching her. Even if she said no, he still loved her. She was still with him.
Kristen nodded and settled in comfortably next to him as she sipped her tea. She hoped she hadn't upset him because she wasn't ready to move in with him, but he seemed to take it well. When she'd finished her tea, she set the cup aside and snuggled against him, resting her head on his shoulder.
Edward put his arm around her shoulder, his fingers playing over the bare flesh of her arm. "You ..." Edward paused clearing his throat. "Are you staying because you want to?" Edward asked quietly. "I don't want you to feel like you're obligated to stay just because we-" he paused unable to voice what they had done, his cheeks burning red.
Kristen kissed him gently, a little amused by his bashfulness. "Of course I want to," she reassured him. "Surely you've noticed by now that I enjoy spending time with you?"
Edward smiled. "I can't fathom why." He said chuckling slightly, his hand coming to rest on her elbow. "But I can't say I'm complaining."
"Gee," she said playfully, running a hand through Edward's hair. "Why would I possibly want to spend time with my brilliantly smart, incredibly sweet boyfriend?"
Edward laughed. "Well at least you didn't call me sexy, because then I would know you were lying." He said only half joking, laughing as she ran her hand through his hair, still damp from their earlier activities.
"Nonsense," Kristen protested. "But if you're saying I didn't sufficiently convey how sexy I think you are earlier… then I suppose we'll just have to keep working at it."
She wondered, though whether he really thought that. It certainly would explain why he'd insisted on keeping his shirt on during sex. Edward's self-esteem was the most peculiar thing. One minute, he could be supremely satisfied with himself, usually for some clever deduction or obscure factoid… and the next minute, he'd be stammering, uncertain, almost downtrodden. It was possible that this was one of those areas where Edward felt insecure.
"If we work at it any more tonight, I don't think either one of us will be going to work tomorrow. And I think that would look a bit suspicious." He said smiling as he kissed her temple. "We should both get some sleep."
Kristen sighed. "Well, if you insist on being sensible…" she said, kissing him before settling under the covers close against him. It was a comforting feeling. He'd been right about her feeling safer here. "Perhaps another time, then."
Edward lay quietly in bed, his breathing soft and even as he slept, his arm draped over Kristen's side. He moaned quietly as he shifted, his arm moving off her and falling onto the mattress between them.
Kristen smiled softly at how peaceful Edward looked in his sleep, a feeling of contentment settling in as she woke up next to him. She'd slept well with his warm arms around her. Even if it still seemed reckless to move in with him yet… she had to admit, she could get used to this. As Edward's arm slid off of her, she snuggled a little closer against him to make up for it, her hand resting on his shoulder and upper arm.
As her fingers brushed against his t-shirt, she frowned. She could distinctly feel a rough, raised area underneath the material of his shirt. Did he have scars there? If he did, from the feel of it, they were pretty bad ones … but she knew that wasn't where he'd been shot. So what were they from? He couldn't have gotten in a fight; Edward wasn't a confrontational person. Had he been in an accident? Or had someone hurt him?
She wondered … could this be why he'd hastily stopped her from pulling off his shirt during sex last night? Could he be embarrassed about the scars? But why? In her experience, most men seemed to like showing off scars, as if it proved how tough they were. And anyway, she already knew about the gunshot one on his arm from when he'd saved her life … So why was this scar different?
"Please stop that." Edward said, his voice quiet and sounding very tired. He tiredly raised his hand and pulled hers away from his shoulder blade, holding her hand between them so she'd stop touching it. His eyes still closed though he was fighting to stay awake.
"I-I'm sorry," she stammered, mortified and guilty, realising she'd trespassed into something private. How stupid of her … of course if he didn't want her seeing his scars, he certainly wouldn't want her touching them. "If you want me to stop, l'll stop."
Edward opened his eyes and looked at her. "I'm sorry. I just ..." He paused not really sure what he wanted to say. He rubbed his eyes with his hand, willing himself to wake up. "It's not ... Really something I like talking about."
"You don't have to," Kristen reassured him, though she couldn't help feeling disappointed that he was shutting her out again. It didn't matter, though; whatever had happened, he had the right to deal with it in his own way. She could understand that, at least. "But … you know you can tell me anything."
She snuggled close against him again, her hand resting on his chest… only to feel more scarring through his shirt. She withdrew her hand quickly. "I'm sorry," she stammered again. "I didn't realise … I'm sorry."
Edward sighed. He was making her flustered just for touching him and he didn't like the look on her face. He slowly sat up, sitting cross-legged on the bed. "You have no reason to be sorry." He said sitting, staring at the bed a moment as if contemplating what he wanted to do. This wasn't easy for him, and he knew she would find them repulsive ... Most women did.
He licked his lips a moment before he untucked his shirt, and, with shaking hands, pulled it up and over his head, holding it in his hand beside him. He didn't look at her, not wanting to see the revulsion on her face.
Kristen sat up next to him, looking on in silence as Edward pulled off his shirt, realising that he was showing her something he'd probably rarely trusted anyone with before. Just to the right of his heart, there was a circular scar, raised around the edges like a ragged ring, the skin inside rough with scar tissue as well. And to the lower right on his stomach, there was a slight dent in his skin. Her eyes widened. Those scars… particularly the circular one, didn't look accidental.
"Edward," she said quietly, taking his hand in hers. "Who… who did this to you?"
"Um ... My first year of Highschool there was a kid named Wyatt ... He used to bully me a lot. I got sick of it and retaliated one day. Unfortunately one of his friends saw me do it ..." He said quietly. "The next day I was walking through the field with one of my friends towards the school. Wyatt came up to me ... I don't ... I don't remember what happened. I just remember hearing two loud bangs ... My ears were ringing but I could hear people screaming. The next thing I know I woke up in the hospital three weeks later."
"God, Edward," she whispered. She should have known he would have been targeted by bullies in his youth. He was just so different, and frequently so awkward in social situations. Even in adulthood, people who hadn't gotten to know him found him irritating. Even Kristen hadn't known how to react to him at first. Not knowing what to say, she just wrapped her arms around him and held him in a tight hug.
"You're not ..." He paused as she hugged him. "You're not disgusted by them?" He asked confused. He hadn't been with a women who hadn't reacted with a simple "ew" and a look of disgust. They weren't attractive scars.
"What?" Kristen pulled away enough to look at him. "No, of course not. Is that… Is that why you didn't want me to see them? You thought I'd be disgusted?"
Edward looked down and nodded, unable to bring himself to speak. Even if she wasn't disgusted by these two ... She would be by the cruel marks on his back.
"Edward," Kristen said, touching a hand to the side of his face and looking directly at his eyes, waiting for him to look back up again. "The guy who did this is the one who's disgusting. Not you." It was the strangest thing. Edward knew she saw crime scene files on a daily basis … did he really think a couple of little scars would disgust her?
"Well ..." Edward paused. "They aren't ... My worst ones." He said slowly turning around on the bed.
Kristen gasped, involuntarily recoiling in shock. The scars on his shoulder blade were in the form of letters, as if someone had taken a knife and carved the crude all-capital letters into his skin. The writing was jagged in places, as if he'd tried to struggle. But the scars still clearly spelt out the word "RETARD."
"My God, Edward," she whispered, when she regained the ability to speak. "Who … Was it … Did those same bullies … did they do this?" It was hard for her to comprehend who could possibly do something so hateful.
"No it ... That was ... My father." He said quietly. "He hated how stupid I was ... Constantly put me down, hated my grades ... He came home drunk one day and it just ... Escalated farther than what was normal for him."
"Your… your father?" Kristen managed to choke out in disbelief, her eyes tearing up. No wonder he was always so eager to show off how much he knew, how clever he was, to anyone who would listen. No wonder he always looked so discouraged when people ignored or dismissed his constant stream of trivia. She put her arms around him again, holding him tight. "You're not stupid," she said forcefully, though her voice was shaking. "You're the smartest man I know. And if your father couldn't see that, then he was an idiot."
"I wasn't then though ... My grades were mediocre at best, I was failing quite a few things ... I didn't care about school. I didn't care how dumb I was ..." He said. "I was the quiet kid in the back who spent more time doodling than listening." He said his hand going up to her arm that was wrapped around him.
"That doesn't mean you were stupid," Kristen insisted vehemently. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. Edward still believed what he'd been told … even now, when every word that came out of Edward's mouth proved his father wrong. "Grades aren't indicators of intelligence. Einstein failed his classes as a kid too, and that didn't mean he was stupid. Anyway, if your own father told you over and over again that you weren't smart, what other result could he expect?"
"Yes well, I'm sure society and reality could argue with that. I ... I never actually graduated High School." He said turning back to her, his fingers fiddling with the blanket. "I failed grade nine three times before I dropped out when I was sixteen. I ... I ran away from home, ended up in Gotham. Stayed off the grid so to speak, kept my nose out of trouble so no one would ask me who I was. I spent most of my time at the library, focusing on things I wanted to learn, instead of what the school system shoved down my throat ... Eventually, with so much time on my hands, I wanted to learn everything ... When I was eighteen I changed my name so my father couldn't find me, though I doubt he'd attempted. I acquired some fake documents to prove my education was 'complete'." He said hoping she wouldn't tell anyone. He had hacked Gotham University's systems so that he would have appeared on the roster under his new name, gave himself fake marks, even listed a few teachers as references. Of course they'd given him a glowing recommendation. After all they have hundreds of students, how could they remember them all? But his file was there, with his exceptional marks, and he'd been hired by the GCPD nearly on the spot. "It's hard to get a job when your only qualification is 'Genius with no high school diploma.'" He said.
"But everything I know took a lot of hard work and memorization ... Most of which most people would never do. For two years, seven days a week, three hundred and sixty-five days a year I sat in the library reading and studying, anything and everything, open to close, sometimes after closing, even on days the library was closed ... The first few weeks were hard but ... I was lucky the library I found was owned by a kind lady. Her name was Marian ... She knew I was a street kid ... But she never kicked me out like she did the others. She brought me food when she could. Even invited me over to her apartment to shower every few days and would bring me clothes ... She's probably the closest thing I ever had to family." He said not sure why he was telling her all this. He was rambling at this point he knew it but ... This was stuff he never talked about ... Never trusted anyone enough to talk about.
Kristen just held him, listening until he trailed off. It was terrible, knowing he'd had such a painful childhood. But at the same time, she was amazed by how much trust he was suddenly showing, telling her all of this. "She sounds like a remarkable lady," she said. "I'd very much like to meet her someday … But Edward … you know most people would never have come this far. Most people would have just given up. When someone tells you you're stupid or …" she paused, and her voice was quieter when she continued. "Or worthless for long enough, it's … it's hard to accomplish much of anything, so …" She paused again to steady her voice before she looked up at him again. "So all this really proves is how amazing you really are."
"It doesn't prove anything. It proves I can cheat the system. It proves I can fake documents to get a job. It proves I didn't earn anything I have ..." He said. "If anyone finds out I did this I could go to jail for fraud. I'm not legally qualified to do my job."
Kristen shook her head. "Legally, maybe not … But you just told me that you spent two years studying nonstop, day in and day out. You said yourself most people would never have put in the kind of work you did. And you did it after you'd spent your whole life being told you couldn't. So how can you say you didn't earn what you have? So what if you did it in a library by yourself, instead of in a university with professors? And the fact that you were even able to cheat the system that convincingly, that thoroughly … do you really think most people would have had the ingenuity or the skills to pull that off? Maybe your documents are forged, but your skills and your knowledge are real."
"You're not ... Mad that I did something illegal?" He asked. "That I ... I lied to you about who I am?" He asked even though technically he was lying to everyone about who he is. Even if his new name is legal.
"Well …" Kristen said, a little uncomfortably. "It … was your own secret, that didn't really involve me … and you said yourself if anyone found out, you could be arrested. You had no reason to trust me with this sooner … And you're telling me now. It was illegal, but … given the circumstances, it's hardly the worst thing you could have done. I mean, it's not like you killed someone."
Edward looked up at her when she said that. 'It's not like you killed someone.' ... His entire body went numb with a sudden sense of anxiety. "Yeah ..." He said quietly. "Still ... A law is a law. Who are we to determine which are more severe than the next? Which are more punishable? I mean ... I haven't done this but is rape or torture worse than murder? Where do we draw the line?"
"From a philosophical standpoint, I suppose you could debate that," Kristen said. "But still, it's not as if you actually hurt anyone. No, I'm not thrilled that you broke the law, but … working at the GCPD has been a little disillusioning when it comes to that. We both know we have coworkers who are actively aiding criminals under the table. You broke one law so that you'd be able to help catch them … In the grand scheme of things, it's kind of hard to be mad about that."
Edward shrugged. "I suppose." He said quietly. He jumped when his alarm suddenly went off and he leant over to switch it off.
Kristen jumped too, startled at the sound of the alarm, then laughed, releasing the tension. "Speaking of which," she sighed. "I suppose we should get ready for work." She reached for her glasses on the bedside table, then looked back at him, a little regretful that they had to abruptly leave and go back to work after he'd just confided something so personal. She gently took his hand again. "Are you okay? I mean … do you regret telling me?"
"No. I don't ... But we still have an hour to get ready. I can make you some breakfast if you want." He said pulling his shirt back on. "You can go take a shower if you like as well."
Kristen nodded, leaning in and kissing him on the cheek. "You really are sweet," she said. No one had made her breakfast since she was a kid. "I won't take long," she said, getting up and heading toward the bathroom.
Edward smiled as he started making breakfast, the smile remaining on his face as he heard the water turn on in the bathroom. He still couldn't believe she was with him. It was all so surreal. Like a dream he'd wake up from any minute. For a moment he contemplated joining her in the shower but ... Breakfast needed to be made, and they did need to get ready for work.
Kristen took a quick shower, then got dressed, doing the best she could to smooth out her rumpled dress that had been lying on the floor since last night. She wished she'd thought to bring a change of clothes. She buttoned her sweater all the way, hoping people would assume it was a different skirt and sweater, instead of the same dress. People at work talked already, saying she moved on from one boyfriend to the next like there was no tomorrow. She didn't want to think about that right now, though. She and Edward had had a lovely time last night … and now he was finally starting to open up to her. Maybe, just maybe, things might be different this time. Maybe she had finally gotten it right.
She came out of the bathroom, smiling when she saw Edward making breakfast. "Can I give you a hand?"
"It's done actually." He said flipping over some bacon before placing it on the plate next to the eggs he'd made. "But thank you for the offer." He said taking both plates over to the table.
"This looks lovely, Edward," she said, kissing him again before going to sit down. "You really do spoil me." That was something to take into consideration. If she did decide to move in with him, she would have to join a gym or something. Otherwise, if he kept cooking meals like this, she was sure to gain weight like crazy. She wondered whether he'd still like her if that happened … Though she didn't think he was that shallow, she still didn't understand what he saw in her in the first place.
"As I told you last night." Edward said between bites. "I enjoy spoiling you. You deserve it."
Kristen smiled slightly. Edward really was incredibly sweet. "Oh, that reminds me," she said, her memory jarred by the similar conversation. "You said last night there was something you wanted to tell me?"
Ed paused as he looked up at her. "Right. I did ... Um." He paused. He was going to tell her about Tom but ... He didn't think she was ready for that. "Why don't you come by tonight, and we'll talk. Do you like video games?"
Kristen nodded. "I… I do, actually," she smiled a little shyly. She'd been made fun of for it before, but Edward didn't seem like the type to bother her about that.
"Oh, you'll love my game room then." He said with a smile, suddenly excited. "I'll show you tonight after we eat. And talk ..." He said suddenly less excited. "If ... If you still want to stay ... That is."
"You have a game room?" Kristen asked, delighted by the idea. That definitely sounded like a fun evening to her, and she loved seeing Edward get enthusiastic about things like this. "How could I turn down an invitation like that? Though if I'm going to stay over again, I should probably stop by my apartment first." Crashing here one night without a change of clothes might be understandable, but more than once would just be bad planning.
"Well ... We'll talk about that after we talk ... I'm ... I'm not sure if you'll want to after." He said picking at his food. "But if you do, I'll give you a ride home to get what you need."
"Thank you," she said, between bites, though she looked a little puzzled by his remark. She thought she'd seen the worst of his insecurities already… what more could there be that he thought would make her want to leave? "Though I can't imagine what you think is going to scare me away at this point," she said with a joking smile.
Edward finished his breakfast and brought his plate to the sink before washing it. "I'm going to go shower and shave ... Do you want a ride to work?" He asked knowing her car was downstairs. "If you want I can give you a lift to work. And bring you back here after. Although I do have to buy food after work ... So it's up to you."
"Oh, that's alright," Kristen said, taking her plate to go wash it as well. "I wouldn't want you to have to go to any trouble." Though they were going to the same place, and it did make a certain amount of sense to take the same car, she worried that Edward might get sick of her.
"It's no problem at all." He said glancing at her. "Unless you wanted to run home first and change." He said kissing her on her forehead. He glanced at the clock. "I really do need to go shower." He said kissing her head again.
Checking the time, Kristen realised that at this point, her chances of getting home through Gotham traffic, changing, and getting to work on time were slim. So she might as well carpool with Edward and spend a little more time with him. "Go ahead and shower," she said kissing him affectionately. "I'll wait for you." She could finish tidying things up in the kitchen while Edward went to go shower … though there really wasn't much left to do. Edward cleaned up after himself better than any man she'd ever met.
Edward nodded. "Will do." He said smiling as he headed into the bathroom, grabbing his watch off the side table so he could keep track of the time.
((A/N - End of Chapter 1 - please comment/review - this will be a novel length fic, 350+ pages already written! More to come!))