Author's Note:
Hey there! Thanks for reading!
This is the first actual story I've done on here. Usually I don't have the patience to write anything longer than short stories- unfortunately, I'm a really bad procrastinator. But, anyway, I hope you enjoy this first chapter, and feel free to check out my companion piece Hawke's Journal if you have extra time on your hands. This is kind of an experiment, to see if I can actually write this. So... fingers crossed. ;)
Disclaimer: No, unfortunately, I don't own Dragon Age, or any of its characters.
"So... did you-"
"Gone. Just like the Warden."
"...That is no coincidence."
"Do we proceed with the original plan, or keep looking?"
"It is in the Maker's hands now."
The return ride back to the docks was a very hushed affair. The silence pressed on their ears, making them want to shudder and hide. They could practically see the tension radiating from Hawke's body. She stared blankly out over the water, her daggers hanging limply in her hands; the haunted look in her eyes was almost too much to bear: Fenris stood noiselessly at her side with slightly narrowed eyes as he kept a lookout, his sword still clenched in his hands. Bethany sat on the bench behind them, chewing on her lip with a furrowed brow and a disturbed expression. The others- Merrill, Isabela, Varric, Aveline, and Sebastian- rested in two other boats. They all waited for Hawke's orders.
The boats docked and they stepped off. Hawke still didn't speak. Her arms were crossed; she frowned off into space, her gaze resting on nothing in particular.
"Hawke, what do you want us to do?" Varric asked quietly. She didn't seem to hear, as she didn't even bat an eyelash in acknowledgement.
"Sister?" Bethany queried worriedly after a few heartbeats of the utter silence.
"Rathina," Fenris murmured in her ear, snaking his arm around her waist to catch her attention. The sound of her first name in his velvet tone finally seemed to wake her. She shifted her weight uncomfortably and blinked gratefully at him, her arms unfolding.
Her gaze calculatingly scanned over her companions. With one outstanding exception, they were all still with her as they had been at the beginning of the night: Merrill, the gentle Dalish elf; Isabela, the dirty pirate queen; Sebastian, prince of Starkhaven and devout Andrastian; Aveline, the red-headed Guard Captain who had been at her side since the very beginning, and was like a sister to Hawke; Varric, the story-telling dwarf with his crossbow Bianca; Bethany, her sweet little sister whom she'd doomed to the Circle so many years before; and finally Fenris. Her lover stood watching her now with a seemingly impassive expression, but she saw the compassion and love for her hidden in his mossy gaze, and she drew strength from it now. She found herself reaching for his gauntlet-covered hand; she held it tightly as she turned to the others, who waited uncomfortably for her to speak.
"So... I imagine I'm in huge trouble for deliberately going against the Knight-Commander's wishes and... well, killing her, for want of a better word." She frowned at the ground, arranging her thoughts. Then everything clicked into place, and she knew what she was going to do. She looked up again, throwing her shoulders back, forcibly ignoring the empty pit in her stomach. "I'm leaving Kirkwall," she announced. "All of you are welcome to come with me, but I won't force you."
"Where are you going?" Sebastian asked. She eyed him curiously. He was probably the only one who could understand her anguish right then; she saw it reflected in his gaze. It looked as if something had broken within him. His sky blue eyes sparkled brighter than usual with pain. The loss of the Chantry and the Grand Cleric weighed deeply on his soul, although she doubted it could grieve him as much as it did her; it was partially her fault that Anders had blown up the Chantry. And the idiot mage had been punished for it, although he deserved much, much worse.
"I... don't know yet," Hawke admitted. "We'll decide once we get out of here. The longer we stay, the more danger we'll be in. I'm going to leave right away, as soon as I can throw some things together."
"You know I'm coming with you, sister, wherever you go," Bethany proclaimed, her shoulders slumping with resignation and depression. Hawke hid a grimace at the expression on her usually cheerful sister's face. At least Bethany had stopped glowering at her.
"Hawke, I..." Aveline began, but Hawke cut her off.
"Aveline, you need to stay. I won't hold it against you. You have an obligation to your guards, and you can't leave Donnic, as much as I wish you could come," Hawke told her, her gaze shimmering. And then she grimaced. "Well, that's supposing you get to keep your position after all this, I guess." Aveline nodded, a frown tugging at the corner of her lips.
"I'm glad you understand, Hawke," she said wearily. "Be careful." She turned to Fenris, her green eyes sharp and commanding. "Take good care of her."
"I will," he promised, his gaze narrowing with determination.
"I'll come with you," Merrill decided. Even the happy-go-lucky Dalish was somber for the moment. "I've had enough of the alienage."
"Are you sure? It will probably be a lot of traveling, and it's getting colder," Hawke warned, eyes narrowing a bit. She wasn't going to put up with complaints their whole journey.
"I am," the slender elf insisted; her emerald eyes widened with sincerity. Hawke just nodded. Her gaze drifted over to Isabela.
"Hawke... I... Well, now that I have a boat..." The pirate scowled at the ground for a moment while she thought. "I'm getting a crew, and I think I'll sail away from here. If you need any transportation, though, I'll be happy to give you guys a ride every now and then, and I can visit you wherever you go."
"I figured you'd say something like that." Hawke nodded to the pirate. The shadow of a smile passed across her face- she was unable to give a real smile, in light of recent events. She turned to Varric, who looked torn. "Varric... you should stay too."
"And leave me out of all the fun?" he complained, but he looked a little relieved.
"We'll send you letters," Hawke promised, the corner of her mouth twitching upward in a small smirk. "But you need to stay here for us, and keep an eye on everything. Check up on my estate every now and then, if you would. Maybe let me know when the danger's passed." She stopped speaking as her throat closed up; they all knew that it would probably never be safe for her to return to Kirkwall again.
"What sort of danger are you expecting, exactly?" Varric asked, although his shrewd gaze said he'd already guessed the answer.
"Eh... Assassins, angry templars..." Hawke considered.
"The Divine," Sebastian suggested unhappily. "She won't be happy about what's gone on here."
"Ah, shit, you're right," she groaned, running a hand through her hair and lifting her gaze to the lightening sky. She examined it briefly before dropping her eyes back down to meet the dwarf's again. "Point is, after tonight a lot of people will be out to get me. I just want to be one step ahead."
"Fair enough," Varric conceded. "I'll stay here and pass information on to you. What about you, Choir Boy?"
"Me?" Sebastian looked faintly surprised. Then his shoulders slumped with the full realization that the Chantry in Kirkwall was gone for good, and he had to decide what to do. He pondered for a swift moment. "I'm going back to Starkhaven," he declared finally, his sky blue gaze hardening with determination. "I'm finally going to claim back what's rightfully mine." He turned a shrewd eye to Hawke. "Perhaps you could come with me. I know someone who will take you in and hide you for a while."
"Sebastian..." she hesitated, considering it. Then her gaze hardened and she turned to face him head-on. "Are you sure you can trust this person? Because if you aren't, it could cost my life or one of the others'. If you are... well, we'll travel to Starkhaven with you and stake out there for a while."
"We shouldn't stay there long," Fenris warned, his mossy gaze calculating.
"You're right. The danger will still be extreme since it's so close to Kirkwall." Her gaze flicked again worriedly to the horizon, where the sky was starting to lighten. It shifted back over to Sebastian, who hesitated. Then, after a painful moment of silence, he whispered, "I am sure. You will be protected in Starkhaven." Hawke nodded with grim pleasure before turning back to everyone.
"Alright then. Merrill and Sebastian- go and pack some stuff for traveling, but don't bring anything unnecessary. We need to pack light so we can move quickly. Bring some food, a couple blankets, a change of clothes- that sort of thing. Meet us on the Wounded Coast by that cave and we'll start heading to Starkhaven. Bethany- run to Lowtown and explain everything to Gamlen, please. Tell him we probably won't see him again, but try to break the news gently- come to the estate when you're finished. You know where it is, right? Fenris and I will head back there. Varric, Isabela and Aveline..." She turned to the other two, her already fragile composure cracking and intense sorrow filling its place. "I guess this is goodbye. Take care, all three of you, and stay in touch- I'll send a letter when we get to Starkhaven." She hugged Aveline and exchanged a nod with Varric, both of whom looked very grim.
"Until next time, Hawke," Aveline murmured.
"Take good care of yourself," Isabela smirked, clapping Hawke on the shoulder. "I don't want to have to come rescue you from some angry Qunari or something again." Hawke just rolled her eyes.
"Make sure to tell me everything that happens," Varric added with a slight smirk. "I don't like to be kept out of the action."
"Every little detail," Hawke agreed with an unsteady chuckle. She lost herself to glowering at the sunrise again as the others exchanged goodbyes.
"Come on, Hawke," Fenris murmured in her ear, squeezing her hand again- she'd almost forgotten he was still holding it. She nodded numbly and he tugged her on. She was only vaguely aware of her last time passing through Kirkwall as they headed back to her estate.
"Mistress, what happened at the Gallows?" Bodahn bounded up to her, looking very alarmed indeed. Fenris had left her just outside her estate, explaining that he was going back to his mansion to grab a few things. Strange, seeing as he didn't really own or care for anything in there, but she supposed more blankets could come in handy.
"Long story. Meredith and Orsino are both dead. We're leaving town before the templars catch up with me. Can you pack some food for me, and make a pack for Fenris and Bethany? I think we have extra tents in the closet." She spoke quickly as she raced up to her bedroom. She started emptying a lot of unneeded stuff out of her bag including sleeping potions (Maker knew why those were in there), a few broken rings, and a book or two. She replaced it with several changes of clothing (no noble clothes- nothing too conspicuous, just a few extra tunics and leggings), blankets, and coins. She dug the rest of her money out of her hidden coin vault and dropped it in her bag as well. She slung the bag over her shoulder and stepped out of her room to see Bodahn still standing there, staring at her, mouth slightly agape.
"Bodahn, please! We haven't much time," she begged. "We're all in danger!" He shook himself and strode to the kitchen to help Orana pack some food for them.
Hawke dumped her bag by the inner door and called Fang over to her. He bounded over eagerly. She crouched beside him and strapped his spiky collar on while he tried to lick her face. She shoved him away playfully and rose to her feet, her gaze sweeping the mansion. Fenris and Bethany weren't back yet. Where are they?
She plopped down in the armchair in front of the fire to wait, warming her hands and twitching impatiently. She took a deep breath and forced herself to relax, slumping back into the chair and closing her eyes, breathing deeply. Her mind wandered before long, and before her eyes flashed the image of Knight-Commander Meredith falling to her knees, screaming in insane agony as she crystallized into a pulsing red statue at Hawke's feet... She shuddered and her eyelids flew open, but she couldn't prevent the flashbacks. Now she saw the Chantry exploding, and the wild look in Anders' eyes when he yelled to the world what he had done. Oh, if only the Grand Cleric had listened to Sister Nightingale! Leliana, I failed you. I'm sorry.
And then she saw her friends' suspicious glowers when she'd decided to side with the Circle- sure, Aveline and Sebastian had tried to hide it, but she saw their opinions as clear as day on their faces. She doubted either of them would ever truly forgive her for forcing them to choose that day. She was a little surprised but intensely grateful that Fenris hadn't opposed her, though, and it had been a relief to have her sister back at her side, even if Bethany was still sour towards her. Even Varric- for all his bravado that "opinions are like testicles and it doesn't matter how many you have, you can still kick them" (or some shit like that)- had been a little surprised.
And after that- dear Maker- the utter horror when Orsino had turned into a blood mage and attacked them. The idiot, she seethed. She burned with fury knowing that Meredith had been right after all. But would it have been any better if I had helped Meredith instead? Somehow, she doubted it would've been, except maybe fewer templars would have died.
She drew her legs up onto the seat and perched her chin on her knees, her vision swimming. She took a deep breath and swallowed hard, realizing that she was beginning to hyperventilate. It didn't help.
"Hawke, it's okay," a voice murmured in her ear. Distraught as she was, she hadn't heard him coming, but she relaxed now as his arm snaked around her shoulder and he held her close. She found herself sitting in the chair on his lap, and a small part of her mind noted vaguely the height difference. (Fenris was tall for an elf- which meant he was slightly taller than the average human man- and she was slightly petite, to her eternal chagrin.) "We're leaving now. Everything's over. You don't have to worry anymore."
She leaned her head against his chest, closing her eyes and wrinkling her nose in an attempt to calm herself. Her tense body relaxed, although she could still feel the turmoil inside, and her head felt a little fuzzy.
"You're right," she sighed, pushing herself up with effort into a sitting position on his lap. She smiled down at him, unable to communicate how grateful she was that he was there. He gazed solemnly back at her, and she knew he understood. She lifted her hand and cupped his cheek, her expression softening with love and compassion. His mossy green eyes glowed with a tender expression she'd rarely seen before.
"Sister, I- am I interrupting something?"
"No, it's all right." Hawke calmly lifted her eyes to meet Bethany's almond-colored gaze, the gentleness lingering on her features. Her sister's cheeks were slightly pinker than usual. Fenris stirred a little underneath her, and she just shifted to a more conventional position; her legs dangled over his muscular ones, like a little girl sitting on her father's lap. "Did you speak with Gamlen?"
"I did," Bethany confirmed, moving to lean against the fireplace, so they could both see her. Her gaze was blanketed in shadows, her shoulders slumped. Fang wandered over and plopped down by her feet; she reached out to fondle his ears idly.
"What did he say?" Fenris queried.
"Before or after he finished swearing?" she asked wryly.
"After, if you would," Hawke answered with a bit of a smirk.
"He said he would miss us, and we're truly our parents' children," Bethany replied, rolling her eyes.
"I really needed confirmation on that, glad he cleared it up." Hawke paused. "You know, smelly as he was, I think I'm going to miss the old bastard, too," she sighed teasingly.
"We can stop by there, if you want," Fenris pointed out.
"Nah, I won't miss him that much," Hawke retorted with her usual sarcasm, but there was still a shadow across her gaze. Fenris chuckled at her comment, but he took her hand and squeezed it comfortingly. She brought his hand to her lips and kissed it gently before she let go and rose to her feet. At that moment, Bodahn hurried out of the kitchen and handed a pack each to Bethany and Fenris, as well as traveling cloaks to all three of them. Hawke donned hers and shouldered her own pack before she turned to Bodahn, who was watching with Orana and Sandal, all three of them wide-eyed.
"Bodahn, Orana, Sandal," she began, "I thank all three of you for helping me around the house these past few years. I really appreciate it, and I'm honestly very sorry that you got tangled up in this." She paused. "I'm leaving the estate, but I'm not going to sell it. You guys can stay or go; it's up to you. But before I leave, I'm going to pay you one last time..." She reached into her purse and handed all three of them a generous amount of money, her gaze glittering sadly.
"Enchantment?" Sandal asked, looking at the coins with some confusion.
"Oh, Hawke- I can't accept this, it's too much!" Orana exclaimed, eyes wide, causing Hawke to reflect with grim amusement how long it had taken her to convince Orana to quit calling her "mistress". The poor elf was sniffling now, with tears in her eyes.
"No, take it," Hawke insisted, her blue gaze wide with sincerity. "You need it more than I do."
"Hawke, I've been glad to be able to help you," Bodahn told her seriously.
"Thanks again, guys." She hesitated. "Good bye. I hope I'll see you again."
"Enchantment!" Sandal cried, and handed her a rune. A small smile flickered across her features and she pocketed it.
"Thanks, Sandal."
Hawke turned and walked to the door, where Bethany and Fenris waited for her. She whistled, and Fang bounded eagerly to her side. She reached out and took Fenris's gauntleted hand, ignoring the spikes, and she led them out the door.