A/N: I think this is somewhere in the bowels of tumblr...
Cora had rung the dressing gong with no small degree of reluctance. Three hours and a failed nap later, she waited with all the patience she could muster for her maid with a feeling of dread in her stomach, and couldn't help but wonder if perhaps she had been too harsh in the servant's hall? O'Brien certainly wasn't the first servant to gossip about her employers and Cora's last maid had been dismissed for worse, but she hadn't trusted her last maid with her life and she certainly hadn't trusted her with her secrets. But she had trusted Sarah O'Brien and now?
Well of course she still did. She could hardly blame her maid for being concerned about her mistress' future and it warmed her heart that O'Brien cared so dearly, but Matthew Crawley was Robert's heir now and there was nothing she or O'Brien could do to change that, and she couldn't be expected to stand by as her maid insulted him so publicly without some form of reprisal. Still, wouldn't a gentle admonishment have been enough?
She would have to think of a way to apologise.
Sarah stomped up the servant's staircase with Cora's evening gown over her arm, wishing she'd had the courage to go through with her earlier desire to ruin Cora's dress somehow with the hot iron, but she hadn't dared. She wouldn't normally have wanted to damage clothing – she took a great pride in her work after all – but she'd been filled with anger since tea time, tinged quite heavily with hurt, embarrassed feelings that had left her snapping even more than usual. It was a sign of how much the other servants hated to see anyone getting admonished that no one had said a word to her about the incident: there but for the grace of god it could have been them.
She supposed she should be glad in a way. Other servants had lost their positions for much less and at her age she'd be hard pressed to find much: she might be able to find a place as a housekeeper but it wouldn't be anywhere near as nice as Downton and if Lady Grantham had been angry enough to dismiss her she certainly wouldn't have given her a decent reference. But that certainly didn't mean she had to be grateful did it? The thought sickened her and she went into Cora's room with a sinking stomach.
"Good evening m'lady."
Her voice didn't sound particularly different, but there was something about the way Sarah was carrying herself that made Cora think she might not have forgotten the incident this afternoon either, and she sucked in a quiet breath to steady her nerves before turning herself around in her seat. Sarah didn't look any different - she was much too professional to ever let her face betray her emotions - but there was a certain tightness around her eyes and it made Cora's stomach quiver in regret. The thought that she had done irreparable damage to their relationship pained her more than she cared to admit, and she sat up with the warmest smile she could manage.
"Good evening, O'Brien. I hope I didn't pull you from anything important."
She should have waited before ringing the bell. It wasn't exactly time for her bath yet but she had been sitting here doing nothing and feeling so tremendously guilty and she had wanted Sarah here so she could apologise or talk to her or…something. But she had probably dragged Sarah from a cup of tea or a good book or from writing a letter to her family, hours after she had lectured her in front of her friends and colleagues.
Sarah gritted her teeth and swallowed the harsh retort that danced on her lips. She wanted to shout and scream at Cora that it was quite impossible that her ladyship would ever drag her away from anything important as she had so little of importance in her life that it was thoroughly depressing. She had her brothers back home to write to but no one else except for this bloody woman standing in front of her smiling like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. Oh, she was a right bloody piece of work this one and Sarah was astounded that she'd never noticed before what a supercilious cow Cora really was.
"Nothin' urgent m'lady. I finished your mending this morning," except for the button of course but she'd hastily stitched that onto Cora's coat, feeling the prick of every in and out of the needle as though it were an outlet for her rage. "Shall I start your bath?"
Cora looked as she ever did and Sarah hated her for it. How could she treat what happened earlier as though it were nothing, as though it were something that happened every single day? That had never been the way they were with each other but now were things to change because of the new heir? Was Matthew bloody Crawley really that important to her ladyship now?
"That would be nice, O'Brien, thank you," Cora nodded.
She stood up as Sarah moved in the direction of the bathroom and smoothed down her afternoon gown nervously. She had not been imagining the stiffness of Sarah's body and she certainly hadn't been imagining the strange look in her eyes that Cora finally identified as a definite lack of warmth. Sarah had always been so fond of her and so eager to help, and her smiles had always been utterly genuine but no longer. Had she really destroyed ten years of warmth and camaraderie in a single afternoon? It had been her duty to step in and defend Cousin Matthew, nothing more, and she had meant no permanent harm; surely her maid knew how impossibly fond her mistress was of her! Well, this would never do. She wanted the warmth back, not this ridiculous charade and she was damn well going to get it back if she had to beg!
"O'Brien, before you get started there's something I wanted to say to you." She twisted her hands together and thought for a moment. "I hope we can forget the incident in the servant's hall this afternoon. The last thing I want is for there to be any unpleasantness between us and I'm sure you feel the same." She smiled tentatively and met the other woman's eyes. "We are friends after all, aren't we?"
Ah, there was that word again. It had been tossed about earlier and given her nothing but bitterness then and now was no different; she thought the sting might have gone out of Cora's words by now but they were still ringing in her ears and she wondered whether things might have been alright if Cora had taken her to one side. If Cora had possessed any respect for her and simply asked to speak to her away from the others and asked her not to speak about Mr Crawley to the others. She hadn't know it was their secret but if she had she'd have guarded it as she did all of Cora's other secret: the products that kept her hair from being grey, the make-up to make her eyes bigger, the pregnancy scare seven years ago…she'd been stupid enough to think that they were friends then and just been fooling herself ever since!
Sarah tried to control herself but as they had earlier in the servant's hall the words came spilling from her lips before she could stop them and quite against her better judgment.
"I don't think we are m'lady, not really. That's if you don't mind me saying now we're not in public?" She didn't quite turn her back on Cora but she didn't meet her eye and looked through the gap in the door to the bathtub that would soon require filling. That was assuming she didn't talk herself out of a job in the next few minutes. "I try to do my best for you m'lady, but I don't think you'd call us friends: you certainly never 'ave before today."
Cora blinked in surprise and, after that surprise had passed, quite a considerable amount of hurt. She was perfectly aware that there had always been something between them, an invisible sort of barrier they mustn't cross because that was simply the way things were, but she had always considered Sarah O'Brien her friend. It was impossible not to be friends with a woman who had intervened in what had very nearly been a sexual assault and had held her hand throughout a pregnancy scare, but perhaps she had simply imagined it all. Cora had seen Sarah smile at Susan Flintshire in one moment and gossip about her in another; had she been a source of amusement for her too? The thought was too hurtful for words.
Perhaps she was simply angry? She had been harsh this afternoon and Cora would understand if Sarah was bitter but this too much and her temper flared, fuelled by the influx of emotion. She was Sarah's friend but her mistress too and how dare she speak to her in this manner after everything she had done? Robert wanted her gone - he had wanted her gone ten years ago, but she was still here today and it was all because of her!
"I wasn't aware you required a declaration, O'Brien. Perhaps I should be more vocal in future, or would you prefer it in writing?" Her voice was dry and her tone could be mistaken for amusement, but there was a hard edge she knew Sarah of all people would detect, and she damn well wanted her to! She pressed on recklessly and with increasing ire she hoped masked the hurt she was determined not to show. "I had hoped we could forget the incident in the servant's hall but it's becoming clear you have no intention of doing so. Matthew Crawley is Lord Grantham's heir and regardless of how you, or even I, feel about his presence in this house and his future at Downton Abbey, it is your duty to respect him as you would respect me. What I say to you within the confines of these four walls must remain within these four walls and I hope I never have to remind you of that again."
She regretted her tone immediately, regretted it even before she saw the look on Sarah's face, but there was no taking any of it back now.
Sarah knew immediately that her vague notion that things would have been better if they had disagreed in private was quite wrong. This was worse, much worse than what had happened earlier because now she didn't have the advantage of Mrs Hughes swooping in or Thomas sat in the corner, loyal like no one else was and quite prepared to stand up for her. There was no one but the two of them here now so she supposed she would have to do it herself, but god she was going to make things so much worse.
Cora's words sunk in and Sarah kept her eyes down. Her gaze was fixed and a knot formed in her chest that spread through her entire body before it settled in her throat. She would be so stupid to keep talking now, Cora so rarely got angry and she had managed to rouse her temper twice in the space of a scant few hours and on both occasions it had been directed firmly at her. How far would she be able to push her luck, how close to the wind would she be able to sail in fact, before Cora felt she had been tested too much and gave her notice? She'd never lost a job before, had always made it her business to do her work better than anyone else could, but she was coming close now, she could feel it. They were on the verge of a shift in their whole relationship and she wondered how Cora would react if she offered her resignation here and now? Would she take it gladly or change her tune and was it worth taking that risk?
"Yes m'lady, I'll be sure to keep my opinion to myself, or at least in 'ere in future."
She turned to go into the bathroom – she was pushing it by even doing that really – but stopped herself, unable to quite let go of the sheer bloody indignation she'd felt earlier, even with Cora's words cutting through her. She tried to steel her face and her nerves but found she could do nothing but look rather desperate.
"But I am allowed thoughts of my own too. I might be your servant but I'm not a diary you can put in the drawer when you don't want anyone to see it."
"That is enough O'Brien," Cora all but exploded and balled her fists by her sides. She so rarely raised her voice but Sarah was utterly testing her patience now and not only that, but by god she was hurting. All the warmth they had shared before had disappeared now and she was genuinely concerned it might be gone for good and if Sarah kept on pushing, what would she be forced to do? Robert had disliked O'Brien before and would dislike her even more once Bates inevitably informed him of what had occurred this afternoon, but he had had no grounds for dismissal before. God only knew why he hated her so much - perhaps because his wife was so fond of her? - because Sarah had never been anything but unfailingly efficient and professional, but he certainly had grounds now, even if they were shaky at best, and Cora could only do so much to defend her maid when she had put herself in this damn position in the first place!
But, Cora reasoned, as sanity cut through her anger and the tightness in her chest, losing Sarah would hurt her far more than she expected it would hurt the other woman, and she would have to do a great deal more before she even considered handing over her notice. With that knowledge she forced herself to remain calm.
"I have never considered you to be my diary. You are my friend and confidante and as such I expect you to keep our personal discussions private. I have never disputed your right to freedom of thought O'Brien, in fact I've encouraged it, and I like to think that I've been fair. You can disagree if you like, but right now you are-"
She broke off. Hadn't she already used that term once today and been prepared to apologise for it?
Sarah lifted her gaze when Cora stopped, meeting her mistresses' eyes as she hadn't dared to before, as she hadn't wanted to before, and tried not to find herself overly affected by the disappointment that she saw there. It seemed Cora truly did think that they possessed some kind of a friendship that was private in this room: but then what kind of friendship was that when it was only permitted to exist in one room in all the world?
There was nothing she could say to her ladyship now, nothing at all that would mend this rift between them, which left her with two alternatives. She could bite her tongue in half and pretend contrition or else she could hand in her notice and finally have her say to Cora, finally give the woman a piece of her mind after all these long years. She lowered her gaze again, knowing herself well enough to know that if she kept looking at Cora's indignant face then her own emotions would get the better of her and she'd inevitably lose her control.
"I know what I am m'lady, you told me earlier after all and I promise I got the message."
She neatly placed Cora's dress on the back of the dressing table chair, making sure not a single crease belittled the beauty of the dress, and ran a hand automatically over it as she always did whenever she was brushing Cora's shoulder. She lowered her gaze once more and felt her voice break traitorously as she spoke.
"I'll start your b-ath m'lady," she blinked her eyes hand and kept her head down as she started to leave the room. "But please stop sayin' we're friends when we both know we're not."
"But O'Brien, we are-"
Her voice broke and Cora stopped herself abruptly. Oh what was the point? The reality was she had been wrong and she and O'Brien were clearly far from being friends, and there was no point in pretending otherwise despite how sure she had been that her maid had cared for her. She would have staked her life on O'Brien's fondness, but now she wasn't so sure, and Cora blinked back traitorous tears. There was a rift between them now just as invisible as the barrier had been and just as unbridgeable and she was suddenly very, very tired.
"Very well." She forced herself to turn back to her vanity and engaged herself in the simple task of removing the pins from her hair. O'Brien usually did it but there was no point prolonging her undressing when her maid had made it perfectly clear she would rather not be here. Her maid's fingers were usually so soothing as they ran through her hair and separated her curls but it was all so tainted now; it has been O'Brien's jobto soothe her, nothing more, there had been so personal desire to see her mistress relaxed and happy and that was what hurt the most. Ten years they had built a relationship based on trust, camaraderie and warmth and it seemed so empty now.
"In future, if you have anything to say about Matthew Crawley or any of his lordship's family," Or even me, she thought bitterly as she placed pin after pin down on the table in front of her, "I trust you'll be more discreet. I do my best to fight for your right to be here when his lordship complains and it would be significantly easier to do so if you didn't insult his cousin in public. Lord knows Bates will pass it on."
Sarah glowered at her back and hated her for the calm and collected demeanor she was still able to maintain despite what was happening. She had been with Cora for a decade now and they had been through a great deal together in that time and now the Countess was able to turn away from her and do her own bloody hair. Cora didn't know how to do her own hair so it was a futile gesture but one Sarah still found a great irritant. That was herbloody job, she might not like it, she might not want to do it most of the time but she was bloody good at it and she wasn't one to leave her duty behind.
"I don't think he will. Even if him and me aren't friends no one likes seein' anyone shouted at so 'e'll keep it to 'imself."
Any mention of Bates invariably roused her annoyance and this one was no exception. Cora disliked him as much as she did and it had been something rather fun to share; to whisper everything he got wrong to Cora and watch her smirk and store away the knowledge until she had another chance to petition Robert for his sacking. Did Bates and his lordship do the same thing with her?
She hurried across the room, reaching boldly for Cora's hair as she did every night and started pulling out the pins Cora had missed. Of course she had missed them: the daft woman couldn't do a thing for herself! She finished quickly and placed them on the dressing table carefully, pushing all her pins and the ones Cora had taken out into a pile.
"And I can always offer my resignation if his lordship finds my presence so disagreeable. Or you do m'lady."
Cora winced slightly at the swiftness of Sarah's actions. She was still much too considerate and professional to pull at the pins clumsily, and not a single one of them pinched her as they slid free of her hair, but there could be no mistaking Sarah's movements for gentle. She should berate her really, but she had done far too much of that today and she didn't have the heart for another argument, not with her maid. There had been such harmony between them in the past and it pained her now that it had all disappeared. The last time she had felt so sad, she and Robert hadn't spoken for nearly a week.
"Of course I don't want your resignation and I don't care how disagreeable Lord Grantham finds your presence: I want you to stay."
Her heart ached at the fact that Sarah had even considered resigning but it hardened her too, and she felt a ripple of indignation run through her that her maid could ever think of leaving her; she had been a good mistress! Sarah should work for Susan Flintshire for a month and see what it was like to have a mistress that didn't care for you!
"Unless, of course," she stabbed, unable to keep the bitterness from her voice and feeling for all the world like a petulant child, "that isn't what you want?"
Cora braved a look up at Sarah in the mirror and briefly caught her eyes, but the intensity of the glance, and the anger in it, forced her to look away and she concentrated on the pins in front of her, nudging them lightly with her fingertip. "I can't pretend I won't be disappointed, but as you've pointed out, you are entitled to your own thoughts."
Sarah's face fell as she considered Cora's words. Of course she didn't want to leave – quite apart from anything else the chances of her finding a decent position were slim to none – but they wouldn't be able to go on as they had before. Things had never really been difficult between them, not even when Sarah had first arrived and they'd barely known each other, but they could hardly carry on pretending they hadn't spoken to each other in the way they had. She knew she had acted too hastily, had spoken before she'd thought about what she was doing but the anger from earlier had driven her and now she had clearly upset Cora again and there was nothing she could say to make it better.
But it wasn't her bloody fault was it? Cora had started all of this and she was the one who was forced to watch everything she said!
"But it wasn't my thought," she hissed out waspishly as she fiddled with Cora's curls, separating them in the same way she always would – albeit with a little less interest – and reaching for the scarf she used to hold Cora's hair up. She stopped her hand midway when she remembered that Cora's hair needed washing so there was no point and grew more irritated that she had slipped in her professionalism. "Why would I care about Mr Crawley when like as not I'll never be in the same room as 'im? I only cared because you cared you daft bloody woman!"
Her eyes went wide for a second and she left her position behind Cora immediately, backing away desperately and pressing her lips together in annoyance. She didn't so much care that she'd finally snapped at Cora, but that she'd finally given herself away: Cora could never have known before how much she really did care.
Cora bristled. She was by no means a stranger to cursing but certainly not when it was directed at her and by her lady's maid whose mouth had already gotten her into enough trouble today! Sarah was skating on increasingly thin ice and this was the closest she had ever come to anything more than a mild rebuke: indeed, O'Brien seemed utterly determined to land herself in as much trouble as possible and there was only so far she could go before Cora would be forced to do something far more drastic. She couldn't allow insolence to go unpunished after all. But she found herself curiously reluctant.
Standing up and turning round, she observed the trembling of Sarah's hands, the thin, tight line of her lips and the absolute refusal to meet her eyes. But Cora saw the regret on her face well enough, mingled with her anger, and she found herself feeling precisely the same, and Sarah's words pierced through her indignation. She did care. She cared more than Cora had ever imagined she did and she quickly blinked back tears, raising a hand to wipe away a stray one that had escaped her control.
"But it was private, O'Brien," she finally sighed, her voice suddenly despondent, and her shoulders slumped in misery. "Everything we share in this room is private and…perhaps I didn't make that clear, and I should not have spoken so harsh and so publicly. We were friends, and as such you deserved better."
There was an apology on the tip of her tongue, but she didn't dare speak it. O'Brien had called her a daft cow after all, and that she still couldn't abide, even if she had been harsh in her treatment of her maid.
"I don't want you to leave me, O'Brien. I may be a 'daft cow' but I'm not daft enough to let you leave."
Sarah watched the tear fall from Cora's eye with a heavy heart. She had made that happen and she hated herself for it: she wasn't that sort of person, had never been the sort of woman who was in the business of making people cry that didn't deserve it. Although maybe Cora did? The bloody woman still hadn't said she was sorry for talking to her like she was a bleeding slave who had dared to develop an opinion of her own. Whatever Cora might say now she had chastised her in front of the others and they would not let her forget it for a long time, no matter if they kept it from the res t of the house they knew. The likes of Bates and Anna and Mrs Hughes were not likely to forget that she, who had always considered herself a little bit better than the rest of them because she had her lady's ear, had been the one given a dressing down.
"I don't want to leave m'lady! And I don't deserve better, I really don't-" She thought of all the times she'd sat with Thomas and given Cora a dressing down with terrible regret but they had at least been in private, they'd been away from Cora's ears. How would her ladyship like it if she found out what Sarah said about her? She bit her lip and thought how she'd feel if Thomas gave away her secrets… was it any different really? She wouldn't call him her friend neither but she was certainly closer to Cora. She closed her eyes to stop her own traitorous tears from falling.
"I just thought you valued me more than his lordship does Bates and the others. I-" The thought nearly died on her tongue when she looked up and met Cora's teary gaze but she persevered, reasoning it might as well be now as never. "I didn't think I was just another servant to you."
"You're not," Cora breathed, and moved instinctively closer to grip Sarah's hand. All the anger fluttered away in an instant and she was left with regret instead and the desperate need to put things right for both of their sakes. She would be miserable without her maid and from the look of things, Sarah would be miserable without her too and she clung to her hang a little tighter, stroking her thumb over her skin. "O'Brien, the last thing you are to me is just another servant."
The regret was crippling. She had treated Sarah abysmally and it would serve her right to lose her, but miraculously her maid didn't want to go. She must have done something right in that case: they had been doing fine until this afternoon, hadn't they? They had been friends - at least friendly - and Sarah had been her confidante and she hadn't failed her, not really. She had spoken this afternoon without ill-intent, in defence of her, and she could see that quite clearly now and adored her for it, even if she had hoped to keep their discussions private. She would have to think of someway to apologise properly: words would not be enough after she had embarrassed her poor maid in front of friends and colleagues and she leaned in, quite spontaneously, to press her lips gently to Sarah's cheek.
"I should never have been so harsh O'Brien, I'm sorry."
The simple words – ones she heard so rarely she honestly couldn't remember the last time she had heard them without sarcasm – made her whole body flush with emotion and she let out a quiet breath at the feel of Cora's lips against her cheek. This whole day had been exhausting and the very last thing she felt like doing was returning to her work and bathing Cora: instead she squeezed the hand in her and with her eyes closed tightly to block out the emotions she turned towards the kiss. Cora caught her cheek and the very corner of her lips and Sarah managed a small smile.
"Thank you," she hesitated for a moment but lurched forwards slightly, wrapping her free arm around Cora's shoulders in a slightly desperate embrace. It might have been entirely inappropriate under normal circumstances but she'd gotten away with so much already today that it seemed quite natural. "I'm very sorry too m'lady."
She pushed herself up on her toes to reach Cora's cheek and copied Cora's gesture.
"And I promise that everythin' that 'appens in here in future will stay private. I can keep a secret m'lady, I just didn't know I was supposed to."
Cora let out a breath at the kiss and fought back the tears pricking precariously at her eyes. She had been so sure that she had ruined everything but now she felt that it had all fallen back into place. She and O'Brien were friends again and she would never make the same mistake again: her maid deserved better than her mistress had dealt her this afternoon and she would never have to doubt her friendship now. Cora would make sure of that. And if Sarah wanted to discuss Matthew Crawley in private then she would have utterly no objections! It was ridiculous after all, handing over her fortune to a perfect stranger at the expense of her daughter and O'Brien clearly agreed.
"My dear O'Brien," Cora whispered, smiling tremulously as her hand cupped Sarah's cheek. Her skin was surprisingly soft and warm to the touch and she brushed her thumb over the other woman's smooth flesh. "You've kept so many of my secrets I should never have doubted you, and I never will again."
She leaned in, pressing her lips to her forehead and finding herself precisely the right height for such a gesture; sometimes she forgot how tall she really was in comparison to the smaller woman. Pulling back, she brushed away another tear with a slightly self-deprecating laugh.
"We make a ridiculous pair, don't we?" She dropped her hand reluctantly, but made no move to step away. "I rang for you early, there's no need to bathe me yet. Why don't you go back to your room and put your feet up?"
Sarah smiled up at her ladyship soppily, feeling like all the emotions of the day were finally seeping out of her. All of the indignation and anger and hate was gone and left her with a strangely uplifted feeling: it was as though all the things that had been keeping her spirits low not just for today, but all week, were suddenly going and she refused point blank to let Cora move away that easily if she was the source of this wonderful feeling.
"I want to stay m'lady," she smiled wryly and sniffed, reaching up to swat at her own cheeks indelicately to rid herself of the fallen tears, embarrassment colouring her cheeks. "Apart from anything I think Mrs Hughes might have an heart attack if I were to put my feet up at this time of day. Besides which, I've got much better things to do with my time…"
She squeezed Cora's hand tightly and pulled her closer with an utterly mad instinct that overtook her and compelled her, without rhyme or reason, to press her lips against Cora's. For a moment she almost forget herself and didn't quite realise what she was doing, as though the stress of worrying for her position had driven her into the grips of madness, but she knew exactly why she was doing this. The sorrow on Cora's face would have haunted her in her dreams had she left her lady alone until the dressing gong and she refused to be the source of any more sadness for her Countess. Assuming Cora didn't throw her out onto the streets for being so bold that was.
Cora had always known Sarah had a certain fondness for her that ran deeper than the usual maid and mistress relationship - she had doubted it ten minutes ago, but would never doubt it now - but she had never imagined it ran as deep as this. This afternoon be damned, if Robert saw them now he would almost undoubtedly expel O'Brien from Downton Abbey, no matter what she might have to say about Matthew Crawley, and if Cora had any sense of self-preservation she would be prepared to do the same: better she dismiss Sarah and find her another place and save them both from disaster than have Robert Crawley charge in in the grip of indignation and rid himself of a lady's maid he had always been troubled by. Robert would not hesitate, but Cora did now, gasping at the feel of exquisitely soft lips against hers.
The anger of the day had quite gone and there was nothing now but sudden heat and warmth in her chest and a reluctance to let go because then she would have to think about what was occurring and it would seem wrong to a sensible mind, and no matter what her mother-in-law said she had always been sensible. In the back of her mind she knew this was a terrible idea and after everything that had passed between them today, after the cross, bitter words, and very nearly losing her maid, the last thing they should be doing was complicating their relationship physically. But she found herself suddenly incapable of reason now and craving the closeness instead, and leaned in, sliding her hands up to Sarah's arms and gripping at the material of her dress as she deepened the kiss.
Sarah could honestly say she had never expected in a month or Sundays to have the Countess of Grantham holding onto her in such a way or improbably letting her kiss her as she knew she had wanted to for the longest time. She'd tried to bury it, this undoubtedly obscene urge to hold Cora, to kiss her as his lordship should be doing, but now found she couldn't and why the hell should she when Cora was kissing her back just as hard? And she was and good god almighty it was glorious, feeling the press of her lips and the softness of her fingers – Sarah could feel their warmth even through the thick material of her dress – and her heart, wounded by the argument earlier, felt warm again.
It couldn't last though: Cora would realise what she was doing, what she was risking, and she would put a stop to such nonsense now. Sarah knew she'd be lucky to get away with keeping her job after the sheer accumulated audacity she had shown today. But she could draw it out a little longer couldn't she? Prolong the moment that it all inevitably fell apart and she had to return to her cold room all alone.
She lifted a hand up to cup Cora's cheek, stroking her thumb over the smooth flesh and lightly brushed her fingers against the small, impossibly soft hair at the back of Cora's neck. For a moment it felt like they were frozen in that embrace and Sarah could have quite happily stayed there for as long as possibly but she couldn't prevent herself from moaning softly when she succeeded in parting Cora's lips and swiping her tongue against Cora's.
It broke the spell and she pulled back, breathless and with swelling lips.
"'m…'m so sorry m'lady."
Cora gasped for air as Sarah pulled back and did her best to get her breathing immediately under control. Her heart pounded and her chest heaved, and for a moment she stood still, wordless and rooted to the spot. Oh, how she wished Sarah had never pulled back. She had been in the grip of madness before, but reality set in now and she felt her heart sink in response.
"No O'Brien, you….I'm the one who should be sorry. I didn't mean to take advantage of you."
How could she have been so selfish? O'Brien had kissed her, yes, but no doubt she had been seeking approval or in need of assurance she would still have a job…but it hadn't felt like that kind of kiss. There had been desperation, yes, but not for fear of losing her job: rather Sarah's desperation had been for herand Cora had felt it for her too. She was not Robert, and Cora felt a pang of guilt at the thought of her noble, amenable husband, but Sarah had always been so dear to her and her heart swelled in affection for her now. She couldn't help but notice how beautiful Sarah looked with pink cheeks and swollen lips and desire in her eyes that was undeniable.
"Oh, to hell with it," Cora muttered before she leaned in again, gripping Sarah's collar and pulling her in for a recklessly deep kiss. She forced Sarah's lips open with the momentum of the moment and groaned at the feel of their tongues brushing together: it had been all too brief before and she was determined to enjoy it now neither of them could doubt the other's longing.
Sarah agreed with the sentiments thoroughly and lost sight of the reasons why this was a bad in short glorious seconds that consisted of nothing in her mind but Cora's pliant lips and soft skin and grasping hands and oh god, her warm tongue. Sarah wrapped her arm immediately around Cora's waist, running her hand immediately back up to the curls that were tumbling down now the pins were gone.
If Cora was happy enough to throw caution to the wind then so was she, and if this ended the way she wanted it to then she would never, ever regret her ill-thought out words that afternoon. The embarrassment in the servant's hall would be more than worth it if she was able to remember this day in quite another way and with that in mind Sarah backed Cora towards the bed. She pulled them both down to sit on the end, never once breaking the kiss, instead sitting as close to Cora as she possible could and using the proximity to pull their bodies against one another. She let out a gasp at the sensation and wondered how far Cora would want to take things: a kiss was one thing, even if it was a wildly inappropriate kiss, but it was nothing compared to what they might do.
No one would disturb them knowing, as they did, that this was the time the Countess took her bath, and with their earlier disagreement in mind the rest of the household would be even less eager than usual to interrupt them knowing that there may be more tension to come. His lordship was out walking the dog with Mr Crawley and all of the girls were occupied. Really, with the wonderful opportunity they were being given it would be a crime not to take advantage of it and with that in mind she brought a hand up to fiddle with the buttons of Cora's dress idly, not undoing them just yet, but letting Cora know she was more than ready to.
It was suddenly rather hard to believe they had been at loggerheads ten minutes ago and were in each other's arms now and Cora wondered whether this had perhaps something to do with the intensity of their disagreement and how harsh she had been initially. The tension may well have been from an entirely different source and the slight against her husband's cousin had merely been the spark to light the fuse, but it was all pouring out of her now. She moaned quietly against Sarah's lips, bringing her own hand up to cover hers and tugged at the buttons of her dress, making it by no means unclear that she wanted much more than an admittedly rather wonderful kiss.
She mewled quietly, suddenly very frustrated indeed that Sarah hadn't got as far as undressing her before and doubled her efforts enough to dislodge a single button from her collar. It was a start at least, and her maid's skilled fingers would make quick work of the others now she had wordlessly given her permission. Unfortunately she wouldn't be quite as efficient with Sarah's dress. She had never had much cause to undress another person and the fastenings of her maid's dress appeared far more complex than the belt of Robert's robe and she imagined it would be up to Sarah to handle her own undressing too. Cora doubted she would mind; Sarah seemed to be just as eager as she was and the sooner they were both undressed the better.
She whimpered as she pulled back from Sarah's lips, for the sake of air more than anything, and pressed their foreheads briefly together as she fought for breath. As much as she wished they could stay like this forever without extricating themselves from each other's arms even once, oxygen was rather a necessity and she took the opportunity to run assessing eyes over the other woman, biting her lip to suppress a smile at the flushed cheeks and full lips, and the overall beauty of the woman that she had somehow missed before. O'Brien was beautiful and, for this afternoon at least, she would be utterly hers.
"Do we have time?" she whispered, bringing her hand up to cup Sarah's cheek. Her stomach fluttered in anticipation of what was to come, and she would be lying if she said she wasn't nervous. She was hardly made for adultery and she loved Robert dearly, and god only knew what Violet would say if she ever discovered her barbarian daughter-in-law had bedded her maid, but there was no earthly force that could stop her from doing just that now.
Sarah nodded breathlessly, not trusting her voice not to crack with the lust and emotions that were thundering through her, driving her to new heights of madness and lack of control. She had never in all her life wanted anyone quite as much as she did right now: she was no virgin, hadn't been for a very long time in fact, but she was hardly an experienced woman of the world and all her previous encounters with matters of the heart had been lacking something. They'd been quite without this passion that was driving her; without the ridiculous need to touch Cora and impress her very being on someone else; they'd been without the feeling that she might die if she didn't get to have the person in her arms as soon as humanly possible. In fact, she deduced in a moment of clarity, what all her previous trysts had been lacking was quite simple: they'd been without Cora Crawley and for that reason and that reason alone they were deficient.
Since the very day she'd come to Downton and Cora had first smiled at her in that unceasingly soppy way there had been something, a need that had sprung from nowhere to protect this woman and it was a feeling quite different to wanting to look after her little brothers. That first Christmas Cora had kissed her, drunk off her head and on the cheek mind, but Sarah had felt something then that she'd never felt before or since, till now.
She took Cora's lead with a smile, her fingers flying over the buttons of Cora's afternoon gown and only stumbling once or twice. She supposed it was inevitable that now, when she was finally being acknowledged by Cora as being something other than a pair of hands to do her menial tasks she stumbled over a job she always did so well. It didn't matter and the gown was soon loose, each button popped without her eyes leaving Cora's. She'd simply carried on undressing her, breathing heavily at the skin she knew was coming into sight, even without looking at it. There would be time enough for that later and she leant forwards to press her lips to Cora's once again, softer this time, teasing her with the subtlety of it.
"More than enough time for what I 'ave in mind m'lady."