Average Blonde

S J Smith

Disclaimer: Not now, nor have I ever been, Joss Whedon.

Rating: PG

Written for the BtVS/AtS Lyric Wheel. Time period, fifth season, AtS. Harmony, talking to Cordelia.

I'm not your average blonde.

Come on, Cordy, you know I'm not.

First of all, look at the job I've got. I'm the right hand man...okay, woman...to the boss of Wolfram and Hart. Stop it. Wolfram and Hart are okay to work for. They've got really good benefits and now they aren't all evil and everything. I know that's hard for you to believe but it's true. I know it's true because Angel's my boss. Yup. He's in charge of Wolfram and Hart. And it's kinda weird to be doing your job and working for Angel but he needed someone and Wes said I'd be good for the job. So he picked me to do it. The other thing that's weird is, well, you know, I'm a regular vampire and I'm working for Angel, the vampire with a soul. Only he's not the only vampire with the soul now. My Blondie Bear has a soul now, too.

You didn't know that, huh? Surprise. I know you don't really like surprises but I didn't know of any better way to tell you than just blurt it out like this.

Okay, he's not my Blondie Bear any more. He hasn't really been for a while, not since he decided to choose between the Slayer and his ex-girlfriend, what is her name? Darla? No, that's the boss' ex. Okay, so Buffy is his ex, too. Of course I know that. Anyway, he tied up the Slayer and his ex-girlfriend, Dorcas, and shocked them both with cattle prods, which, by the way, really hurt and all, even if you are a vampire, and tried to make the Slayer believe that he'd kill Dorcas for her.

As if Spike could kill his sire. I mean, I know Angel killed his sire and that was pretty big in the vampire news, you know? I heard about it after I got turned, my sire told me. He was pretty skanky and I wasn't really too bummed out when Buffy did the slaying thing to him but anyway, Angel did kill his sire and the reason he did it was because she was gonna kill the Slayer.

Isn't that funny? In the ha-ha sort of way. 'Cause you know that Angel was dating the Slayer when he lived...yeah, lived, you know what I mean...in Sunnydale and then he killed his sire for her and Spike was, well, I don't know if you'd call it dating so much as screwing but whatever and that happened later anyway, Spike was gonna kill his Dorcas for the Slayer if she just told him that she loved him or something stupid like that.

Instead, he lost me, the Slayer and Dorcas.

I really think all that bleach he uses rots his brains.

Mine is perfectly natural, thank you very much.

But I was saying that I've got this really good job now. You know how it is, right hand ma...woman, I mean, to the big guy. And Angel really is the big guy. Do you have any idea how many prophecies are written about him? Oh, I forgot. You probably do know how many there are written about him. You worked with him for a long time. But I know he's pretty worried about that Shanshu prophecy-thingy.

Come on, Cordy, you know that one. It's about the vampire with the soul. I guess that the vampire with the soul is supposed to fight in some really big battle some day and because of that, he turns human.

Like you'd want to be human after being a vampire.

Oh, come on. Why would you? I mean, I'm gonna look this gorgeous for the rest of my life. Being human means you get old. You get wrinkles. And who really wants wrinkles? I know I don't. But I get to be young forever.

Well, as long as no one stakes me and I stay out of the sun and stay away from holy water, crosses and fire, that is. But I heard even Dorcas got burned to a crisp and she was okay again, in, a few weeks, maybe. And the Boss was stuck under the ocean. Oops. No, wait, you know about that, don't you. I can tell you. You know about Justine and her weirdo revenge thing against Angel. You practically lived it, after all. Right? Well, watched it. Something. But you remember it. So it isn't like I'm telling you any secrets.

But you're really the only one I can tell my secrets to. No one else really wants to talk to me. I mean, the people here aren't very nice, you know, no matter how nice you try to be to them. They just look at me like I'm a vampire. It's like they don't even see me. Like I'm not really important. And I do a good job and everything. And I smile and try not to let it get to me, you know? It's like I'm wearing this mask. Always smiling, always happy. I don't let anything get me down, even if Spike's ignoring me.

He didn't use to ignore me, you know. We were really, really close until that Slayer-Dorcas thing. Well, yeah, he did stake me that one time but he didn't mean it. Okay, he did mean it but I was wearing that funny ring thing and it didn't really matter, you know? He couldn't hurt me when I was wearing it.

All right, he did hurt my feelings but he apologized later. Okay, you're right, he didn't apologize. He wanted me to wear Buffy's clothes so he could chase me around and pretend I was the Slayer. Kinky, huh? He wanted me to be her. I hate to say it, but it was some of the best lovin' I had from him. I guess I should've known then but I loved him, you know? Really loved him and I thought, well, sometimes guys get into ruts, you know, and this little 'pretend I'm stalking the Slayer' thing wasn't as bad as some of the other fantasies I've heard of. I mean, toe-licking? So ew.

But back to Angel and Spike and that prophecy.

They got into some fight a couple of days ago. It was some big thing; I guess there was some new line to the prophecy or something and they drove off into the desert and got into some big fight out there. Something about the vampire with the soul getting some chalice. You know what a chalice is, right? Like some really neat glass. Anyway, they thought that whoever drank out of the glass would get to Sansom. But it didn't work that way and I guess Spike really beat Angel up and he got to the glass first so now Angel's all bummed out because Spike beat him. And I mean really beat him. I saw the boss when he got back to the office and he looked like, well, he really looked bad. Just between you and me, Spike didn't look that good either but then Angel went off into one of his ultra-broody moods, I know you know the ones, because I guess now he's wondering if Spike's gonna be the one to Shanshu instead of him.

I know he was talking to Wes the other day about it when I walked into his office to bring him his blood, 'cause Wes was saying something about, "I can see no reason for it to fail" which is just so Wesley, isn't it? Did you know he has a crush on Fred? She's so lucky; I mean, she has both Knox and Wes after her and she's just so cute and friendly, in a geeky, Willow Rosenberg sort of way. I mean, she really seems to listen to you when you say something, not like everyone else. But I guess Wesley was trying to keep Angel's spirits up because I guess he really wants to be human, even though, you know, I don't understand why.

I know why Spike does. He's made it really clear, you know, that he doesn't want to have anything to do with me any more. He's really rude about it, too. I mean, I've tried to really nice to him but he's just a big fat bleached blond jerk. Anyway, he and the Slayer, Buffy, they had something going on in Sunnydale, before it disappeared.

It was some big thing, let me tell you. Sunnydale got sucked into some huge hole to stop the some sort of apocalypse. And Spike had something to do with saving the world and he died but then he came back from the dead. So now he's too good to talk to us regular vampires, because he saved the world. And he thinks he's the vampire in the prophecy even though, as you know, Angel's helped save the world, too. So they fight about that all the time and let me tell you, it gets pretty tense around here when they're arguing about it.

And then they argue over Buffy sometimes, too; like who was better for her or whatever and I try not to listen to those but a girl's gotta dish, you know? Personally, I don't care which of them gets it, as long as I don't have to hear about it anymore. Because, well, boring. I know you probably want Angel to get that Shanshu prophecy. I'm not sure if Fred has made up her mind. I think she has a thing for Spike, too, you know. She was really trying to help him out when he was a ghost.

I did tell you he was a ghost, right? It was after Angel got that medallion thing back from Sunnydale and it really would've looked awful on Spike with his coloring, you know? Anyway, Spike was inside that amulet and he reappeared and things have been tense ever since. At first he was a ghost but he got rebodied and now he's, well, you know, he's Spike.

So, there's a pool going around on which of them is gonna turn human first, Angel or Spike. I probably shouldn't tell you that but I figured you'd want to know. I put you down for twenty dollars for Angel to be human first 'cause I figured you'd bet for him. I know, you're gonna hate that I voted for Spike but...sometimes, I think he's right. I mean, he did die to save the world. And much as I think it's gross and wrong, he did go and get someone to give him a soul.

I wonder what it would feel like to have someone do that for me. I wonder what Buffy thought about that. I mean, it's pretty obvious that Spike loves her and that he loves her more than just about anything. And he never felt that way about me.

I'd hate her, you know, not just 'cause she's the Slayer and I'm a vampire but because she has these two totally hot men after her. But maybe it's not worth it. Because that whole souled vampire thing is weird and freaky.

But every person out there knows that Angel would die for Buffy, even Spike, whether he likes it or not. But I guess you'd know about that, too, wouldn't you, Cor?

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring that up. I know how you felt...how you feel about Angel. But he hasn't gotten over Buffy any more than Spike has.

God...will you look at that time? I've gotta run, Cordy. Don't wanna be late. You know how Angel is when you're late at your desk.

You get better, okay? And I'll be back soon and we'll talk some more then. And I'll bring that makeup. I've got some killer eyeshadow that would look so good with your hair and eyes. I can't wait for you to see what you look like with it on. It'll be fun, okay? I'll do your hair and we'll talk.

Love you, Cor. I've gotta go.

You've always been my best friend.

'Bye.