10
After Effects
In the episode Leap of Faith Tony and Tim visit a psychiatrist's office.
McGee: Haven't you ever been to a therapist before?
DiNozzo: Me? No – have you?
McGee: Yeah – once, when I was young.
"Tim, Davy's here, he's come to see if you'd like to go to the movies."
He paused, his fingers hovering over the keyboard, go outside? His hands started to shake and he felt the sweat trickling down the back of his T-shirt.
"Tell him thanks, but no. I have to finish this essay."
His mother opened the bedroom door.
"Please Tim; it will do you good to get out…"
"I told you – I have to finish…"
"You don't have to catch up with all your school work in one week."
"I said NO! Now get out of here and leave me alone!"
He hadn't taken his eyes off the computer screen; he didn't want to see the hurt in his mother's eyes any more. He wanted things to be the way they had been before…
He heard the front door close, good, he was alone again, and he was safe again.
Angela McGee closed the door, leaned her head against it and let the tears fall. She had taken some time off work to get Tim settled in at home, but she couldn't get through to him. Sarah was at a friend's birthday party and Ray was going to come home early to see if they could talk to Tim, try and find out what was troubling him so badly.
They had picked him up from the hospital last week, and it was as if they had brought a stranger home with them. He looked like Tim, and sometimes he even sounded a little like Tim, but something was missing, something was wrong and they needed to find out what it was.
She wiped her eyes and headed for the kitchen, she was baking Tim's favourite cookies, anything that might make him smile again, and oh she missed his smile…
The cookies were cooling on the rack when Ray came home; he kissed Angela and reached for a cookie. She rapped his knuckles.
"Don't touch! They're still hot."
"How's he been?"
She shook her head.
"If anything, he's getting worse. Davy tried to get him to a movie, but…I can't even get him to come downstairs now, if we're not careful he's going to be a prisoner in his own room."
He brushed the tears from her lashes; he hated to see her cry. He had seen too many tears in those beautiful eyes these last weeks.
"He will get through this. Tim's been through a traumatic experience, the crash, his injuries. Don't forget Angela, he's still healing, his leg, he's still in pain you know – he tries to hide it, but…"
"I've seen him…I talked to Doctor Arnfield, he says Tim's on track with his physical recovery, obviously he still needs his physio and his pain meds. But I'm more worried about his mental state, he's shutting us out…he used to talk to us every day, and now…He won't even read Sarah a bedtime story…he used to love reading to her, she misses him…"
"Oh Angie – don't cry."
He held her close.
"Honey, we all miss him…Now let's see if your wonderful cookies can tempt him down."
They went to the foot of the stairs and Ray called.
"Tim! Hey son, Mom baked cookies, they're ready for eating."
Nothing.
"Tim – come on, you know you want to."
His bedroom door opened and he limped along the landing leaning heavily on a cane. Angela reached out for Ray's hand, she still wasn't used to seeing Tim so pale and thin, much more of this and he wouldn't even look like her Tim any more.
"Thanks, but I'm not really hungry right now…I was going to get some shut-eye."
Ray took a step forward.
"Not now Tim, if you have something to eat…it will help you sleep. Come on, your Mom and I would love to have you join us."
"Please Tim; I made them specially for you."
Ray realised he was holding his breath, come on son. Tim gripped the hand rail and slowly and carefully inched his way down the stairs. Angela started to offer her help, but Ray shook his head, Tim needed to start taking more control. Eventually Tim reached them and Ray patted him gently on the shoulder.
Angela held open the kitchen door.
"Do you want milk with your cookies?"
"Mom – I'm not 6, I'm 16!"
"So? Milk or coffee?"
Tim tried to smile, it didn't quite work, but at least he tried.
"You know, I think I'll take the milk after all."
Ray pulled out a chair for Tim; he sat down, and leaned his cane against the chair. Angela poured his milk and handed him the glass, she couldn't help but notice that his hand was shaking; she tried to hold it as he took the glass, but he pulled away from her.
"Tim don't, I know things look bad right now, but let us help, please. I can't bear this…"
"I don't need help! Why don't you leave me alone? I'm doing OK, getting my school work done, going to physical therapy, doing all the exercises Ian gives me…What more do you want from me?"
He tried to stand up, but knocked his glass on to the floor.
"Now look what you made me do! I told you I didn't want to come down here!"
"Tim please, your mother is trying to help…"
"Help! How many times do I have to tell you? I do not need your help…"
He grabbed his cane and went back up the stairs as fast as he could. His door slammed shut and the house was silent.
Angela slumped into a chair and Ray sat down next to her, he knew she couldn't take much more of this.
"Angie, when we take Tim for his physical therapy tomorrow, we are going to talk to Ian, he's done wonders with Tim physically. Perhaps he can give us the name of a good psychologist, or hypnotist – hell, I'd go to a witch doctor if I thought it would help him."
"I know you would."
She gave him a smile, and he felt his heart leap in his chest – she still had such power over him, he loved her so much. He took her in his arms and whispered.
"He'll come back to us, this family will be whole again, you have my word, I was foolish to think we could do this alone – we need help."
"Don't you go blaming yourself – I'm a doctor, I should have seen how badly he was suffering, I guess I tried to convince myself that as his body healed his mind would get better too. I just wish we could get him to talk about the accident…he says he doesn't remember anything…but sometimes I'm not so sure…"
He hugged her closer to him.
"Let's get this mess cleared up, Sarah will be back soon – I promise you Angie, he will come back to us, Sarah's big brother will…"
He couldn't help himself, he started to cry – he had tried so hard to be strong for his family, from the minute the police officer told him that Tim had been in an accident until...he gave a bitter laugh.
"Ray? What…"
"I suddenly realised, I'm crying over spilt milk…"
They clung together and let the tears fall.
Tim was getting a shower after his workout with Ian Masters, his physical therapist. Ian was 200 pounds of pure muscle; his black skin glistened under the harsh hospital lights as he looked at Tim's parents – he knew that look.
"Something tells me you've realised Tim needs more help than I can give him."
Ray nodded.
"He seems to become more and more withdrawn every day – I hoped…"
Angela glanced at him.
"We hoped that as he got stronger physically, he would be better able to deal with…whatever it is that he's keeping from us."
Ian stooped down between the two of them.
"You mustn't think that Tim is deliberately shutting you out – accident victims who've been through severe trauma can close themselves off from the world, it's their way of trying not to hurt their loved ones. In their pain and confusion they don't realise that they're actually hurting them more by cutting them off."
"We'll do anything, pay anything – please tell us what we have to do."
"I can recommend a first class psychologist, Trudy Frost; she's nothing like her surname – a warmer, kinder, more understanding therapist you could never meet. She does marvellous work with young people, but really the biggest barrier is Tim. If he doesn't want to go, however much you want it, then I'm afraid it won't happen."
Ray took Angela's hand in his, he could feel her trembling.
"We'll make him see that he needs this help….he has always kept things to himself, even when the bullying was at its worst, he didn't tell us….tries to deal with it in his own. He always told me about his day, but not always everything that happened on that day."
"He has accepted help for his physical injuries; we all need to work with him to convince him that he also needs help with his…"
Angela jumped to her feet and started to pace back and forth.
"Is it our fault? Did we push him too hard? He seemed to relish the challenges, he has a calendar at home where he marks off the days until he starts at MIT, I thought it was because he was looking forward to going…but…is it…is he dreading the move?"
"Please don't think that. If you want my opinion, I think the main thing driving his physical recovery is taking up his place at MIT. But without help soon, there is no way he will be able to take the pressure when he gets there."
Ray gripped Angela's shoulders to stop her pacing.
"We are going to get through this Angie, all of us. Tim has always been stronger than he looks – oh I know he's at a low ebb right now, but he's surrounded by people who love him. We need to make sure he knows that - if we can make him see, really see, that he's not alone in this…."
Ian took Angela's hand.
"Ray is right Angela, all we can do, all of us, is be there for him. I'll get you Trudy's number, and when he's ready, when he asks, you give her a call."
He lay on his bed, today's session had left him feeling completely drained, Ian had told him he was pushing himself too hard, but it was only when he was pushing his body to the limit that he could forget. Forget the crash, the pain, the smell of gasoline – those terrifying moments when he thought the car was going to explode, and he couldn't move, his leg was trapped. And he thought he was going to die. He'd called and called, but it seemed an eternity before anyone answered him. All the time he was waiting for the explosion, for the flames – now, every time he tried to sleep he could see the flames getting closer and closer….
"Timmy…story…"
Sarah – where had she come from? What time was it? He must have fallen asleep at last.
"No Sarah, not today – I'm tired…"
She jumped up and down.
"Look! It's Shady Glade!"
Sarah pushed the book toward him - Farewell to Shady Glade, one of his old favourites that Sarah had come to love. But he couldn't...not right now.
"No baby, maybe tomorrow."
"Timmy yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!"
She was running around the bed holding the book in the air as she ran. Every 'yes' felt like a dagger in his head. He couldn't take this – not today – he reached for his cane, put his feet on the floor and screamed.
"Sarah NO!"
He lifted up the cane and took aim. In that instant he saw how far he had drifted away from his family, he was about to strike his baby sister, because she wanted him to read a story! The cane fell to the ground and Tim crumpled beside it, he put his head in his hands and whispered.
"I'm sorry – I'm sorry – I won't hurt you Sarah, I'm so sorry…"
He felt a light touch on his shoulder.
"Don't cry Timmy, Sarah kiss it better."
She put her hands round his neck and kissed his cheek.
"Better now?"
He was shaking so hard he was sure his teeth must be chattering. Mom, Dad, Ian - they all knew – why hadn't he seen it himself? He couldn't do this on his own, he needed help. Tim returned Sarah's embrace and whispered.
"I'll be better soon Sarah, I promise."
She gave him a smile of such innocence it nearly broke his heart.
"Sarah – would you go call Mom please? Timmy's stuck here on the floor."
Within moments Angela came running into the room, she knelt beside Tim and picked up his cane.
"Tim? Do you need help? Dad's with Sarah, do you want me to get him?"
He shook his head – he couldn't cope with anyone else right now. He looked at her – really looked at her for the first time since his return from the hospital. He could see fear in her eyes, she was frightened for him. He put out his arms and she held him close, she didn't want to speak in case it broke the mood. She cradled him and stroked his hair. Tim didn't know how long he sat there, letting his mother hold him; he wanted to stay here forever, safe in his mother's embrace. But he knew there was something he had to do.
"Mom…I'm in trouble…I don't think I can do this, not in my own…I think I need to talk to someone. Not you or Dad…you know - someone else…"
"I know Tim; it needs to be someone outside the family. But please remember, your Dad and I are always here for you – no matter what."
She handed him his cane, he held it with trembling hands and stared at it.
"I was ready to hit my own sister, that's how much I'd lost it, and I hadn't even noticed…If I'd hit her…I could have…"
"No Tim – don't think that! You couldn't hurt Sarah, you didn't hurt Sarah – you stopped yourself before anything happened. We'll get you whatever you need, you only have to ask. Now, let's get you off this floor, and we'll go and join Dad and Sarah downstairs."
Two days later Tim walked up the steps to the office building, his parents had wanted to come with him, but he needed to do this alone. They'd driven him here, and were going to wait for him in Caribou Coffee across the road; he turned and waved to them as he opened the door. He closed the door behind him and the smile that he had tried to keep on his face disappeared. He stood by the door for another minute before he made his way to Dr Frost's consulting room. The receptionist showed him into the waiting room and flicked the switch to let the doctor know that her next client was here.
"If you want to take a seat, Doctor Frost will be with you as soon as she can. Would you like a soda while you wait?"
"No…no thanks, I'm fine."
She thought she had rarely seen anyone who looked less 'fine', but he had come to the right place, Doctor Frost was the best she had ever seen, you're safe here, she'll help you.
She stood at the door of her consulting room, so this was the young man Ian had told her about. She'd read his medical file and spoken briefly with his parents, the X-rays alone showed he had reason enough to hide himself away from the world, he must have been in tremendous pain…..Apparently he'd been trying to complete his recovery alone, but the important thing was that he was here now.
She walked into the waiting room. He was sitting, leaning on his cane – he looked as if he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. He hadn't moved a muscle all the time she had been watching – she stood directly in front of him. He lifted his head and looked at her for the first time. She smiled - with eyes like those he wouldn't be too hard to read, she could already see the hurt, the anxiety, the fear, we're going to bring the smile back into those eyes young man. You and I - we're going to make you whole again. She held out her hand.
"Timothy? I'm Trudy – we're going to have a talk and get to know each other a little better, how does that sound?"
Wordlessly, he shook her hand, but he got up from the chair and followed her, he walked into the consulting room, limping slightly, and took the first steps on his personal road to recovery.
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