The Dark Lord sat dozing in his easy chair watching infomercials on a stormy Saturday night. Ordinarily, he'd get bored enough that he'd long-distance-Crucio one of the hosts, but tonight, he was just entertained enough that he decided to let them get through selling knives pain-free. Besides, whenever somebody used the Cruciatus curse within a five mile radius of Bellatrix Lestrange, she always came running like a fatty who smelled cake, and the Dark Lord certainly didn't want that. So, he watched with fascination the Muggles selling their wares, hoping for a "tragic accident" of some sort.
"Well, good night folks. Remember, Classic Cut Knives always get the job done or your money back!" The stout, elderly Muggle woman said cheerfully. Voldemort raised his wand to Crucio her, but he missed his chance as a Jenny Craig commercial began. A woman who rivaled him for most ribs countable started her claim that the picture of the super duper morbidly obese woman in the picture behind her was her six weeks ago. Voldemort gave a derisive snort. But then she got him wondering if it did work … perhaps Peter could be his guinea pig…
"Wormtail, come here please? I require your services." Voldemort shouted. There was a crash, a few mumbled "geroffme!"s and a flash of violet light from upstairs before the combined efforts of Severus Snape and Narcissa Malfoy dragged the fat little rat-face down the stairs and to the couch.
"Sorry, Voldy. He put up quite a fight," Narcissa said acerbically, showing The Dark Lord the bite marks that lined her forearms.
"I shall deal with him for that later. Peter, Peter… I would never make you do anything of which I did not think you capable. You know this, so why did you bite poor Narcissa? And Narcissa, you will never call me 'Voldy' again. It is rude."
"I apologize, Your Lordship." Narcissa murmured reverently. She stared at her feet for a moment before turning to depart.
"Did I dismiss you, Mrs. Malfoy? I still have need of you. Someone has to make sure Peter goes through with my plan. You and he will be joining the Jenny Craig diet. I hear it is more effective if one has a buddy. Plus, I had to punish you for the nickname and this is perfect. I have ordered your first months' meals already and they should be here quite soon. Severus, you may go. And wipe that smirk off your face before I give you a bath!"
"Yes, My Lord. I shall be going now." Severus said cautiously, sidling out of the room before Voldemort decided he needed him again.
"Now, then; the food parcels should be here any minute. I need you two to be on the ball in case the Imperius I put on the delivery man wears off. Not that it will, since I'm the best wizard ever, but pay attention. And Peter, try not to look so dejected. I'm not doing this because I think you are fat. You, Narcissa and Bellatrix are the only three Death Eaters of mine that aren't gaunt. I'd have asked the women, but as I think I have about five or six restraining orders against Bellatrix because I think she's a bit, erm, unbalanced, it had to be you and Narcissa."
"That's not very nice, Voldykins! I, who went to Azkaban for you, deserve whatever gift you have for darling Cissy and rat boy far more than they!" Bellatrix pouted loudly. Voldemort sighed; perhaps he had let the restraining order spells lapse. He made a mental note to put them back in place ASAP, but for the time being, if Bellatrix wanted to starve herself, so be it. He dug his wand phone out of his pocket and dialed Jenny for another order of food.
"There you go, my most faithful servant. Now you have one too. Get the door for me and you can have Wormtail's last dessert." Peter made a motion to protest, but was silenced by the tip of Narcissa's wand at his throat.
"Thank you, Narcissa. I've heard quite enough out of you tonight, Peter." Voldemort said firmly, although Wormtail hadn't spoken since being dragged out of bed. "Thank you, Bellatrix. Wipe the good man's memory and shut the door."
"Can I Crucio him?" Bellatrix pleaded as a child might on Christmas Eve to stay up in case Santa came.
"No. "
"Please?"
"No, Bellatrix. It won't do."
"Fine. You ruin all my fun. Can I do it to Wormy when I get back?" Bellatrix asked.
"All right. I suppose he's done something to deserve it." Voldemort conceded. "And no, you can't continue the fun with Rodolphus when Peter finally crumples into a heap."
"Peas?" Bella stuck her lip out in a puppy pout.
"No. You put the man through enough hell in his life. I forbid you to Crucio him, your sister or myself."
"What about Draco?" Bellatrix compromised.
"NO!" Narcissa howled.
"Hmm, okay. He didn't kill Dumbledore for me, so I suppose that would be acceptable. And could you do something other than Crucio Lucius? Set his bed on fire, mess with his peacocks, I don't care. He used up all the Mane and Tail this morning when he KNEW I was intending to wash Snape's hair today!"
"Excellent!" Bellatrix squealed happily.
"I don't suppose I get a say in whether or not Aunt Bellatrix takes her frustrations out on me then?" Draco sighed dramatically. He slunk out of the room gloomily when all but Narcissa shook their heads.
"I swear that kid gets more emo than Harry Potter every day," Wormtail observed. Every Death Eater in the house shuddered at once. You did not say the "H" word at Malfoy Manor. Ever. It gave Voldemort indigestion.
"You said-" Bellatrix hissed. The Dark Lord aimed his wand at Wormtail threateningly.
"Did he really just say that? Is he that mentally ill?" A few new recruits whispered excitedly.
"Sorry, 'The-Boy-Who-Shouldn't-Have-Lived,' then. I apologize."
"Good. We can put this disgusting use of the 'H' word behind us then, and the three of you," Voldemort indicated Narcissa, Bellatrix and Wormtail, "can begin your diet. This is your breakfast. Waffles!" Voldemort dangled three packages of extremely tiny, shriveled up "waffles" excitedly. Narcissa and Peter exchanged dark looks. This was going to be a long week, especially with a cranky and hungry Bellatrix moping around the house.