Disclaimer: -Man is not mine.
Time to Say Goodbye
Allen had never liked the darkness of the night. It wasn't that it scared him as much as it had when he was younger, but the thought of not being able to distinguish friend from foe was unsettling. Whenever he was on missions, he had always been much more careful in the darkness. Not because of the Akuma, but because of the fear of hurting people he didn't mean to hurt.
He was more sure of himself now however. He knew he was strong enough, and that if situation called for it, he would be able to protect the once who needed it. It had, after all, been a while since he had unlocked his innocence's true power.
They were really close to winning the war, everyone could feel it. They had been able to take out many of the Noahs, and many of the exorcists had evolved over the past few months. The Earl had done a great number on them, but they were still growing strong. Allen had finally started to dream for a better future, one that didn't contain fighting and death. Maybe, he would be able to live a few years after the war had ended, before the Innocence finally drained him of his strength.
But he didn't want to think about that right now. Didn't want to get his hopes up, because he knew that he most likely wouldn't survive this war. What was Allen's biggest concern at the moment, was where they were going. All around them there were thick fog, making it even harder to see now that the sun had just gone down behind the horizon.
He turned around and looked at the other occupant in the train cabin. In the middle of the night he had been given orders to go on a mission. He hadn't been given any more details then that, but had been told that Kanda knew exactly where they were going and what they were supposed to do. Not that this comforted him in any way, he doubted Kanda would bother telling him the mission details, just so the chance of him getting killed would be bigger. But that didn't keep him from asking.
«Kanda, where are we going? »
Kanda had been quiet for the whole ride. Not that that was unusual, since Kanda always seemed to prefer silence and ignore his companions, but he didn't have the same strong eyes, slightly bored look, and tight composure he always had. Allen could swear his eyes were softer, and when he looked at Allen, he almost had this tender, caring look. Well, as much tender and caring Kanda could get.
Kanda didn't even glare at him when he broke the silence. He always did that, especially when he asked a question. Kanda hated questions. But not now, not this time.
Kanda looked at him, but Allen couldn't see any hate or anger in his eyes. His eyes were unreadable, and Allen didn't like that. He would much rather have seen anger in Kanda's eyes, than the empty look he had as he looked at him.
«You'll find out. »
Allen hmpf'ed, not liking that answer at all, but decided not comment it. If Kanda wanted to keep secrets, fine, he would know it soon anyway. Still, Allen didn't like the silence between them. It wasn't that it was tense or anything, but he just couldn't put his finger on what was wrong. Because despite the slightly calming silence, there was something nagging at the back of his mind, almost like a warning.
«Kanda, what are you going to do when the war is over? »
He asked the first thing he could think of, wanting to break the silence at all costs, and to suppress the unwanted thoughts.
Kanda didn't look at him this time, but Allen was going to ask over and over until he answered. If Kanda didn't want to talk, he would have to resort to Tim, and he didn't want that. Tim couldn't talk back after all.
He waited a moment, but it didn't seem like Kanda was going to react at all. Pouting, he decided to try again.
«Kanda» he said in a stern voice, and Kanda's eyes finally met his. He smiled.
«What are you going to do when the war is over? »
It seemed like Kanda studied him before he answered, his eyes never leaving Allen's.
«I have never bothered thinking about it. Most likely, I won't be alive to see that happen. »
Allen was surprised at the answer, but an understanding smile grazed his features as he sighed.
«I don't think I will be either. »
Kanda looking at him, something showing in his eyes that Allen wasn't able to decipher before it was gone.
«But, you know. I do have imagination, and it would be a lie to say that I haven't once tried to imagine myself having a normal life. » He smiled, looking out the window at the tiny stars covering the night sky.
«Maybe, if the earl had never existed, and there was no need for exorcists or the dark order, maybe we would all have never met. Maybe could all have been with our families, instead of spending the most of our lives fighting for a world we'll never be a part of.»
He chuckled, and Kanda looked at him weirdly.
«Ah, I was just wondering if Komui wouldn't be that sister complex he is now, if none of this had happened. But then I tried to imagine Komui as a normal brother, you know, but that was just weird.»
A light laughter escaped his lips and he could swear he saw Kanda's mouth twitch slightly upwards. Allen smiled wider, liking the thought of being able to lighten up Kanda's mood, even if just a little.
«And maybe Lavi wouldn't have been the next bookman. I bet that if Lavi had been free from his bookman duties, he would probably have spent the most of his time dating girls.» Allen grinned, thinking back on the time when they had been in Krory's castle and Lavi had fallen for Eliade.
«And who knows...» he started slowly, looking at Kanda, who actually had his whole attention at Allen for once.
«maybe you would have a different life. One without...certain restrictions-»
He could see that Kanda tensed a little, understanding that Allen referred to the lotus, withering in his room.
«and maybe you'd never have met me.»
Allen smiled as Kanda made a low noise, staring at him.
«I bet that would have made your life a bit easier.»
Kanda growled, and looked out the window.
«You have no idea...»
Allen laughed, also looking out the window. It was getting darker fast, a clear sign that winter soon would be here. Gray clouds were starting to spread at the sky, covering the stars and hiding them from view. Allen was sure it was going to snow soon.
«But like I said, who knows. Maybe life would have been better, but it might also have not.»
Kanda snorted.
«And what in your eyes could be worse than the life of an exorcist? Or do you enjoy the thought of killing?»
«No, I don't.» Allen snapped back. He leaned back on the bench, his eyelids slowly dropping due to tiredness.
«The life of an exorcist is horrible, but we're not killing, we're saving.»
Allen could see Kanda rolling his eyes in the glass' reflection. Allen childishly stuck out his tongue, crossing his arms.
«Besides, what I meant was. How do we know our lives would have been better without this war, and maybe the change a war like this brings is able to change people for the better? When I think about how I lived before I joined the order, I'm sure it could have been better, but, it could also have been worse. Even if Innocence had never existed, it would still have been possible for me to be born with a deformed arm, and to be abandoned.»
Closing his eyes, he could feel sleep starting to cloud his mind.
«And, if it hadn't been for the Innocence, I would probably never have met Mana.» He smiled slightly at the memory. Mana had been the clothes to a father, and he couldn't imagine a life without Mana.
He looked up into Kanda's eyes, and smiled cheerfully.
«And then I had never met you, or Lenalee, or Lavi, or anyone in the order.»
A sharp rapping came on the door, causing Allen to jump slightly in surprise.
«Y-yes?» He stuttered, trying to calm down his rapidly beating heart.
«Master Kanda, it's getting late.»
Allen looked at Kanda, but it didn't seem like Kanda had reacted at all, he only continued to stare at Allen.
«U-um, what did he mean by that, Kanda?» Allen asked with a small voice, suddenly a bit unsure. A few moments passed without any of them saying anything, but Kanda finally stood up and walked over to the door.
«Get up Beansprout, this is our stop.» With that he opened the door and went out.
Allen got to his feet, a little slowly since he was already a bit sleepy. He followed Kanda out of the cabin, smiled at the finder, before continuing to follow Kanda off the train. Allen hadn't even noticed that the train had stopped while they were inside.
The air was chilly and cold making Allen pull his exorcist coat tighter around himself to keep warm. The stop they had gone off on was completely empty, and seemed to be in the middle of nowhere. There were a few lamps that were lit that lightened up the station, which was nothing more than a small stone platform, but besides that, there was nothing much there.
Allen looked around confused.
«Kanda, are you sure this is the right-»
«It's the right one, just follow.»
Allen nodded, shivering a little at Kanda's sudden cold attitude.
Kanda turned to the finder and glared at him. «You stay here. » He ordered, before he turned and motioned Allen to follow him.
«But master Kanda...» Allen heard from behind.
«Just shut the fuck up and do what I told you, you piece of shit. »
Allen was stunned. Why was Kanda suddenly so mad? He had been so calm only a few minutes ago, and didn't want to admit it, but it was a little scary when Kanda was in his darkest moods.
Kanda turned swiftly and started walking. Allen was hesitating, looking from Kanda to the finder, and back to Kanda again. He had no idea what was going on, and he was starting to feel a little scared. He knew something was about to happen, he could feel it. Goosebumps were showing on his skin, and he was starting to feel a tiny bit desperate. But instead of dwelling to much, he did the only thing that seemed safe to him; he followed after Kanda.
«Kanda, you're making me nervous. Please tell me where we are and where we're headed. »
Silence. Kanda didn't answer him. Why didn't he say anything? Allen could se no good reason to hide things from him, since they were partners on the same mission.
As they walked, Allen turned to see how far they had gone and discovered that he could no longer see the lights of the train or the train station. They were in the middle of the woods, and only a few meters down he could see the reflection of moonlight in water. It was a small lake in the middle of nowhere, and right at the edge of the forest clearing, Kanda finally came to a halt.
Allen looked around wearily, still not understanding anything.
«Kanda what-»
«I hated you. »
Allen blinked.
«Excuse me? »
«From the moment we met, I knew I was going to hate you. I knew you were the kind of person, the naive and selfless kind that never knows when they should shut up and take a look at themselves.»
Allen stood there dumbfounded. This made absolutely no sense at all. Kanda had picked him up at 1:00 am, and travelled to god knows where, only to tell him that he hated him? Allen already knew that, he didn't have to go to such drastic lengths to get his message through.
Allen was about to ask what Kanda meant when he suddenly turned around and looked him straight in the eyes. His eyes were dark and so very deep, but Allen couldn't decipher what emotion they held.
«I've hated you and acted accordingly, and the Vatican knew this. »
What did the Vatican have to do with this?
«They know I'm the cold-hearted bastard that follows orders no matter what. That's what they've heard from the finders, and that's why they chose me to do a mission for them. »
Allen didn't know where this was going, but hearing Kanda talk like that didn't make him keen on knowing either. Kanda was deadly serious, the way he only was in battle when his life was at stake.
«But...not everything can be seen on the outside. After a while, I started to understand that about you, that you were only acting nice and caring because if you weren't, if you made yourself more important to you, then you would be reminded of things you just wanted to forget. »
«Kanda, what are you-»
«It's the same with me. Though, fighting is my relief, not smiling. »
«Kanda, why are you bringing this up now? Here? Don't we have a mission to finish? »
«No. »
Kanda's voice was ice cold. «This is my mission only. »
«What-»
«I'm the only one....suitable for this kind of mission. » He spat the last word out like it was foul tasting.
«But then why am I-»
«Beansprout!»
Allen nearly jumped at Kanda's sharp tone.
«My mission is to kill you. »
Kanda's eyes showed no emotion, just plain darkness and emptiness that reflected in Allen's eyes.
He couldn't believe what he had just heard. He couldn't-wouldn't, no, it wasn't true, it couldn't be. He knew that the Vatican only thought of the exorcists as bricks in a play, and that they didn't really care what misery befell them, but wasn't he an important exorcist? He was a critical, his powers were on the same level as a general. That was why they had kept him under surveillance all this time, wasn't it? To keep him restricted so he would obey they orders, because they needed him to do so? Or had hey finally grown tired of having to worry about him turning into a Noah and suddenly attack HQ?
No matter what the reason, nothing could damper the shock this information caused him.
«K-kill me? What are you talking about Kanda?» He laughed miserably, silently begging Kanda to start admitting that he was joking. «Why would they-»
«They told me that you were a threat to the Order, and that you were too close to becoming a Noah to let live. » As he said this, Kanda moved to rest his hand on the hilt of his sword. His eyes were unchanging, and didn't carry any repulse despite what he had just said. Admits all his confusion and pain, Allen noticed as much.
He could feel his eyes becoming hot and wet. After Kanda having seen him crying in Matel, Allen had never wanted to cry in front of him again, because of his respect for Kanda. He wanted to be acknowledged by him, and that wouldn't happen unless he stopped showing weaknesses. After all, Kanda hated weak persons. Yet this time, he would allow it. After all, who wouldn't cry when they knew they had only a few moments left in life?
Despite the tears, he tried to smile. The result was a weak curl of lips, but still a smile none the less.
«Are you going to kill me, Kanda? » He whispered. The salty tears were leaking into his mouth, and he could taste the bitterness. He wanted to dry them away with his hands, but at the same time, he didn't want to move a muscle. Because if he didn't, if he didn't move, maybe he would wake up and discover that this was all a dream, and had never been anything other than a dream.
Kanda wasn't looking at him anymore. He was looking down on his hands that were held out in front of him, and his bangs were hiding his eyes from view. Allen didn't know what Kanda was thinking. He never had, though it had never bothered him until now.
«I-»
Allen blinked.
«I don't know what to do anymore. »
A wind filled the space between them and Allen started to feel cold. The tone in Kanda's voice made him feel empty. The way his voice sounded so hoarse and tired, the way he sounded so lost, not knowing anymore what was right and what was wrong.
«If I don't kill you, someone else will. If I let you go, you would immediately be hunted down and put to death. There is no escape from the Vatican. »
Allen knew this. He had been warned many times that committing treason would only lead to his own death. The Order had restricted him so much Allen had almost felt the leash burning around his neck.
He knew there was no escape.
He opened his mouth, wanting to comfort Kanda, to put him out of that misery he was in, but he had no idea what to say. How could he comfort him, when he himself was breaking inside?
«Kanda...I'm sorry.»
He raised his hand to dry away the tears. He rubbed and rubbed, but there seemed to be no end to them. They just kept flowing out, staining his cheeks and making his skin sore. Why wouldn't they stop? He had wanted to cry, but he hadn't wanted to fall apart in front of Kanda when this would be the last time the man ever saw him. What would Kanda think of him then?
Suddenly warm arms encircled him, pulling him into a warm and comfortable body. Allen didn't have to look up to see that Kanda had embraced him. He dug his face into Kanda's shoulder and grabbed two fistfuls of his uniform with his hands. The hands were tight around him, holding him as he let the tears flow freely.
«Don't you dare say that again, Beansprout! Nothing is your fault, it never was your fault, so don't you dare think like that either. »
Kanda's mouth was right next to his ear and his warm breath made Allen shiver. It was so cold where they were, in the middle of the forest, in the middle of nowhere. But Kanda's embrace was warm, and his scent relaxed him. The scent of home.
«Kanda, you don't have to do this. Just tell the finder that you don't want to, and let someone else-»
«Shh...»
Kanda silenced him as he leaned his forehead against his. It had been a long time since they had been this close, since they had been able to enjoy each other's company without having to worry about others discovering. Why did this have to be the last time?
«I've told you before Beansprout, to never go where I can't follow.»
Allen nodded, though not understanding what Kanda meant.
«I'll never leave you, even if your path is different than mine. »
«Kanda-»
«Allen.»
Allen drew a sharp breath, hearing his name being said with such a tender voice, by one who had never said it before, always preferred to call him a nickname to keep him distanced from himself.
«I...I lo...»
The situation was so serious, and the atmosphere so tangible and soft, that what Allen did didn't exactly fit the picture. He chuckled, laughing softly as Kanda struggled to say what Allen knew he had always had a hard time to say.
«S-shut up Beansprout, I'm being fucking serious here! »
He just couldn't help it. Seeing Kanda struggle to get his meaning trough, something he usually didn't have any trouble with, was simply too funny to let pass. He looked up at Kanda's frustrated face, laughter still rocking his body. Despite looking half-angry, half-frustrated, there was a tint of pink in his cheeks. This made of course Allen smile wider.
"Finally facing your trauma, Kanda?" He grinned. "Ouch, quit it!"
Humming deep in his throat, Kanda stopped pinching Allen's side, instead resting the arm on the hilt of his sword. The other arm that was still holding onto Allen as if he would slip through his fingers if he only lowered his guard a little. He tightened his hold.
"Beansprout, you won't be going alone."
Allen almost stopped breathing.
"What do you mean?" His voice was wavering. Deep inside, he knew what Kanda meant, but he didn't want to acknowledge it. He didn't want Kanda to tell him this, didn't want to be told something like that. He felt ashamed at the small spark of happiness it gave him.
"I promised I'd give my life to protect you, but since I failed, the only thing I can do is to go with you. To make sure you are safe."
Allen shook his head rapidly, pushing against the broad chest he was held against. He needed to see Kanda's face, to stare into his eyes and tell him that it wasn't what he wanted, that he wouldn't allow Kanda to do it.
"I also said I would give my life to protect you, so if you go with me now, I'll fail too. You can't, I won't allow you!"
He looked hard into Kanda's eyes, hoping his determination would get Kanda to agree with him like he so very often did. This time however, Kanda only bowed down and planted to kiss to his forehead. Allen leaned up to meet him, and they shared a kiss.
"Then you have nothing to fear, because then we're equal."
He sighed in defeat, resting his head on Kanda's shoulder. He knew he wouldn't be able to stop Kanda from doing what he wanted, no matter how much it pained him. Kanda was, after all, the one who had been given the order.
The moon was in the middle of the night sky, the unusually strong light lighting up everything, bathing the forest in moonlight.
They stood there, unmoving, not speaking, not thinking. Only holding on to each other for dear life, knowing that they would have to part soon. The finder would probably soon come looking for Kanda, and by then, they would have to be done.
Allen turned his head on Kanda's shoulder, looking to his side, at the lake.
"What do you think Lenalee's reaction will be?"
Kanda huffed.
"Knowing her, she'll probably first throw a fit and then start crying."
"…and Lavi?"
"Would probably comfort her."
Allen nodded. "I hope there will be a day when they don't have to fight anymore. I always hated to see her cry."
"Either way, we won't be there to witness it. What happens after tonight is of no concern to us, though…"
Kanda paused, looking at Allen.
"I hope for that too."
The sound of metal against metal was heard as Kanda drew his sword. The Mugen he had used for years to protect others and himself. Used with the hope to maybe one day achieve their goal of a time where he didn't have to use it anymore. Today was that day, even though it wasn't the way he had imagined. He looked down on the person in his arms, feeling a wave of emotions coursing through him at the thought of never seeing him again. But he kept it inside. To say it out loud would only make things harder than they already were.
He held the sword up to his partner's back, the tip of the blade only a few centimetres away from his body.
"It's time to say goodbye, Beansprout."
Allen looked up at him, all tears gone from his face, only tracks could be seen on the childish face.
Shaking his head in denial, Allen smiled. The same smile he always wore when he returned to HQ after a mission, a smile filled with happiness and hope.
"No goodbye, Kanda. I'll see you in a bit, won't I?"
Kanda looked at him in surprise, but nodded, a small threatening to show on his face.
"See you then, Beansprout!"
"See you, Bakanda!"
AN: I posted this some time ago on my LJ, but since I have nothing better to do right now I'm uploading it here too. I hope you liked it.
Please review :)