A/N Okay so this is a Puckleberry Fanfic. I've changed some things here obviously but this is my own take of how things went that day they had the tribute for Finn and then onwards. There is Lemon in here and dark themes in later chapters I just had this idea in my head and I wanted to see how it played out on paper.
Disclaimer: I do not own glee. Just using some stuff.
"But yeah, I'm okay. More importantly how are you?" Puck stopped as he passed by the choir room. He backtracked a few steps and concealed himself in the doorway. It was Rachel and Mr. Shue. Puck knew that Finn's death hit everyone pretty hard, some seemed to not be coping at all. Rachel was one of those people. It made him feel funny to see Rachel in that much pain.
It did funny things to him. It made him just wasn't to grab her and hold her close and never let her go. It made him want to take away her hurt. Woah. Where did that come from? Puck shook his head and focused on the conversation they were having.
"I have no Idea" Rachel replied in barely a whisper. It was so soft he almost couldn't hear it. She sounded so fragile.
"I talk to him a lot. I can still see his face and can hear his voice so clearly. Do you think that I'll ever forget it? Because I'm afraid that one day I will." Her voice broke at that point and the throbbing in puck's chest began as soon as he heard her voice crack. He didn't even have to see her face to know she was fighting off tears.
"What do you talk to him about?" Mr. Shue asked her.
"Anything. I mean when we were dating it was you know, pretty much me talking all the time and him just pretending to listen so it's not really that different." Puck heard weak chuckles slip out from them both and chuckled himself. He remember all too well how chatty the short brunette was. But it was nice. When he was alone the silence was always deafening to him.
"I had it all planned out." At this point puck heard her crying as she was talking. "I was gonna make it big on Broadway." He always knew she was going to do that. It's like a definite possibility. She had talent oozing out of her tight little body.
"Maybe do a Woody Allen movie. Then when we were ready I would just come back and he'd be teaching here and i'd walk through those doors and say 'I'm home' and then we would live happily ever after."
"It's a good Plan." Now Mr. Schue's voice is shaking. "Did you tell him?"
Puck knew he shouldn't be listening in on this conversation. It was too private. But he couldn't help it. He hadn't heard from Rachel in months and now they're all going through this and he just wants to be there for her. But he knows it's not his place. But he has no one. Everyone abandoned him.
"I didn't have to. He knew."
"And now what?" he asked.
"I don't know. Something different." Her voice was back to that broken whisper. He hears Mr. Schue suggest that maybe something better is going to happen now.
"I just, I don't think that's possible. He was my person." Puck couldn't listen to this anymore. He couldn't even deal with his own pain. How was he supposed to help her? He can't do anything right without Finn to guide him. He doesn't wanna fuck things up with Rachel. It's better if he leaves her alone.
Puck got up and walked away from them and let them continue their private moment. Everyone was losing their shit. Rachael, him, Kurt, Santana. Everyone. Puck couldn't take the building tension in his chest. So he ran. He ran until his lungs felt like they were going to burst and his legs were shaping. He stopped to catch his breath and found that he had made his way to Finns house.
He went up to walk on the door and hesitated before knocking. He didn't want to bother them. He knew they were grieving as well. Probably worse than him, Finn was Carols fucking child. But he knocked anyways. He waited for a little then turned to leave when no one answered the door.
As he walked away he heard the door open and turned to see who it was. When he was Carol he realized why it took her so long to answer the door. She looked fucking dead. She was pale, she'd lost a shit ton of weight.
He ran to the door and hugged her. "Shit are you even eating?" he asked her. She only ushered him inside and led him to the living room. They sat on the couch for a long time and they didn't really say anything. Her look was far away, the only thing he could do was place a comforting had on her back.
"He was only 19 yea-"She didn't even finish her sentence. It was like she was going to say something then thought better of it.
"Look. Remember when my old man split, and you and Finn would invite me and my little sis over while ma was at work? You guys were such good people. And if you repeat this i'll deny it, but it hurts me to see you like this. You're a fucking mess. What would Finn say?"
Carol flinched at the mention of her son. She stood up and walked to the other side of the room. Her shoulders were shaking and puck knew she was crying and guilt hit him instantly.
"I didn't mean to-"
"You're right." She cut him off and he raised his eyebrows in surprise. Adults rarely told him he was right. She turned around and her face was streaked with tears and beginning to get red. Carol studied him closely for a minute then looked at him sadly and began to cry again. He didn't understand what was going on.
"You're so much like him." Carol choked out in between sobs and puck cringed.
"Come on. Don't disrespect his name like that. Don't compare a great guy like that to a Lima Loser like me." He muttered.
Carol whipped her head in his direction and when her eyes met his she had fire in her eyes. She was angry. "Is that what you really think of yourself?" she asked harshly.
"That's what the world thinks of me. All I do is fuck shit up, just like my old man."
"Now listen here. I've known you for a very long time and I've watched you grow up. Now I might not always agree with the choices you make, but you always try to correct your mistakes. You take responsibility for your actions and you take care of the people you love." At that point she had crossed the room and stood in front of him. She took his face in her hands and said "You are a million times the man that your father ever was or will be. So don't you dare disrespect yourself that way."
By the time she finished her little speech tears were threatening to fill his eyes and he wasn't letting them fall. He broke away from Carol and put some distance. This was just a little too much for him right now.
He turned to leave. As he was walking out the door Carol said to him "Thank you for coming. I needed this." But puck left in a hurry. Briefly saying "No Problem" and hurrying away.
Puck found his way back to the high school and walked to the auditorium. He remembers some of his best memories were singing on that stage with Finn. Maybe being there would help. But he only took a few steps before he saw someone at the piano and sad music was filling the air around him. He would recognize that shiny brown hair anywhere.
Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
Ooh ooh
Her voice was incredibly sad, but she sounded beautiful anyways. Puck always thought she sounded beautiful. Nobody else could grab his attention like her.
I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes.
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again.
Sometimes I wanna call you but I know you won't be there
Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Puck began to slowly walk through the auditorium. He didn't want to interrupt her. But from the back of the auditorium he couldn't really make out any specific movement. But he could guess how she looked as she was singing this. Utterly torn apart.
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this, ooh, whoa
Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back
Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, oh, oh, oh.
Her voice started building up and getting stronger and louder like she was trying to release something. By that time we was already on the side of the stage behind the curtain but she didn't notice him walk up there. She was too far gone into the music to notice. She looked like she was trying to say something she couldn't quite get out. He listened closer to her.
If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you since you've been away
Oh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Shit. Puck saw all the tension leave Rachel's Shoulders as she broke down and cried. Cried was an understatement. She sobbed. The sobs were moving her whole body and she was gasping for breath. All Puck could do was stand there and watch.
He willed his feet to move and walked in her direction. The closer he got to her the more he began to panic, he was not good with crying chicks. He swears they give him cancer or some shit.
"That was some serious shit berry." Puck was pissed with himself. The girl was having a fucking breakdown and that's the first thing that came out of his mouth. Great Job Puckerman.
"Noah!" She squealed as she turned around furiously wiping away her tears. She got up quickly to face him directly and he could see the puffiness beginning to set into her face. She cleared her throat before speaking. "I often find myself getting emotional when I witness my own talent. It is a gift and a curse."
Puck noticed that she was speaking really fast she was actually still talking but he couldn't understand her because she was talking so fast.
"Cut the crap berry. That was more than you getting emotional from the awesomeness of your own talent. What's going on?" Puck said harshly. It came out harsher than he'd meant. She had stopped talking abruptly and whipped her head in his direction. She was giving him the famous Rachel berry stare which puck was sure she thought was terrifying. But she was too small to be intimidating. It was actually kind of cute.
Woah. Slow down Puckerman he reminded himself.
"And since when do you care what goes on with me Puck?" she snarled at him.
Puck cringed at the use of his nick name. She never called him Puck. She always called him Noah. She was the only chick besides his mom that called him that and he kinda liked that. Now he was angry and is that what she really thought about him. That he didn't care?
"I've always cared Berry. You were just too strung up to see it." He said in a harsh whisper. For a few minutes all they did was stare at each other and there was an awkward silence.
"He asked me to take care of you if anything happened to him." Puck told Rachel. She was looking at him with wide eyes.
"Did you know he was going-" she started but Puck cut her off.
"No." He tightened his fist at his side and tried to calm himself before speaking again. "It was before he went to go enlist in the army. He told me if he didn't come back he wanted me to watch out for you in his place. A final demand between bros."
Another pregnant pause filled the air between them and it felt like an eternity before either one of them spoke. Puck walked over to down on the piano bench and Rachel Joined him. Both of them were just staring out into nothing.
"It's my fault" Rachel whispered. Puck snapped his head to look at her but she wasn't meeting his gaze.
"How the fuck is what happened to Finn your fault berry." Puck threw the words in her face. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. Is this what's been eating her up? She thought Finn dying was her fucking fault.
"I tol-" she tried to explain but puck cut her off once again.
"Believe it or not berry but not everything is about you. Sure what you told him tore him up inside but Finn had his own issues that he never told anyone. He was going through a lot. Yeah I guess there were signs but we were all so wrapped up in trying to figure out what the fuck we were going to do with ourselves we didn't notice. That's not even a bad thing. We grew up. Finn chose his path. Look where he ended up."
He stood up and crouched in front of Rachel, placing his hands on either side of her face so she would look at him.
"He's dead. It doesn't matter why or how it happened. But killing yourself over what if's, blaming yourself isn't gonna make him any less dead. And blaming yourself sure as hell isn't gonna bring him back. So why do it to yourself? You wanna join him that bad?" Puck spoke those last few words softly and released her face. She was all out sobbing and Puck felt like a total dick for making her cry. But she had to hear it.
"How do you do it? He was your best friend Noah, don't you feel sad? Or even angry?" she was whispering in a very un-Rachel Berry like way and he didn't like it. He wasn't used to this quiet Rachel. She sounded Broken.
"You think I don't care? I do care, more than you know. You wanna talk about guilt I knocked up his ex-girlfriend and helped you cheat on him. I was blaming myself this whole past month. But when I saw awful you looked and how bad his mom looked I knew I still had a promise to keep. I had to show Finn that he can still count on me." Tears threatened to spill over his eyes but he just clenched his fists so tight they turned white.
He was caught off guard when a small figure wrapped her arms around him. He stood there for a moment in shock. Rachel was hugging him. It took him a moment but he eventually wrapped his arms around her small frame. God she had lost a shit load of weight. She felt like she would snap if hugged her too hard.
"When did you become so mature Noah?" she rested her head against his chest more fully and sighed. They stood like that for quite some time and then pulled away.
"You know if you say anything to anyone about this ill deny it." Puck muttered. Rachel offered a weak chuckle in return. It was good to hear that even if it was only a small one.
They both decided to walk to the choir room together and settled into a comfortable silence.
When they reached the Choir room everyone was already assembled there waiting. Rachel's eyes widened when she saw what everyone was wearing. Jeans and Red Shirts.
"One last song for him." Artie said as he wheeled himself towards the two. He was handing them each an outfit. Artie noticed that Rachel had puffy eyes and decided not to say anything about it.
"Go change guys." Santana said as she cleared her throat. Something was off between those two. She noticed that Berry had been crying and that puck seemed to be almost guarding her in a way. Like he was protecting her. It was odd.
Both Puck and Rachel finished changing and made their way to the auditorium in silence. It's because there was nothing to be said. Everyone was already positioned on stage and they already knew where to go.
In her stage spot Rachel looked around her with a sad smile. There was a lot more than five people here now. The first time they did this song it was just the five of them. Now they had a whole family. Rachel let out silent tears when Mr. Shue stood in the spot when Finn would have once stood and finally they began.
(Mr. Shue)
Just a small town girl
Livin' in a lonely world
She took the midnight train goin' anywhere
Puck looked over to where Rachel was standing and saw that she was looking at Mr. Shue with tears in her eyes. It took him a sec to realize that he was standing in finn's place. In his spot. Suddenly it was like he couldn't breathe.
(Rachel)
Just a city boy
Born and raised in South Detroit
He took the midnight train goin' anywhere
He closed his eyes and started to sing his verse. He knew that if he opened his eves and saw that finn wasn't there to perform his favorite song, he'd lose it. So he chose to keep his eyes closed.
(Puck)
A singer in a smokey room
The smell of wine and cheap perfume
Puck's eyes shot open at the hand that was placed gently on his shoulder. He looks to his side to rachel there with a supporting look on her face.
For a smile they can share the night
It goes on and on and on and on
( Everyone)
Strangers waiting
Up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searchin' in the night
It was almost too much. Having everyone together, Singing the song that started everything. Rachel's tears started up again at the thought that this might be the last time they were together like this.
Streetlight, people
Livin' just to find emotion
Hidin' somewhere in the night
(Artie)
Workin' hard to get my fill
Everybody wants a thrill
Payin' anythin' to roll the dice
Just one more time
Santana stepped up already trembling, so full of emotion. And began to sing. FInn had believed in her when no one did.
(Santana)
Some will win, some will lose
Some are born to sing the blues
And now the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on
(Everyone)
Strangers waiting
Up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searchin' in the night
Streetlight, people
Livin' just to find emotion
Hidin' somewhere in the night
Don't stop believin'
Hold on to that feelin'
Streetlight, people
Don't stop!
They finished in a line across the stage, everyone breathing hard with tears in their eyes and holding hands. Puck remembered thinking that finn would be proud. There was a long silence in the auditorium. The music had long stopped but no one wanted to move. Everyone wanted to live in this moment.
It was a sob from Rachel that broke the silence. She was between Kurt and Mr. Shue holding their hands and sobbing uncontrollably. She felt him. She felt him with her, and it hurt. Everyone gathered around her and embraced each other in a tight group hug.
"To Finn." Mr. Shue offered. the rest of the group offered scattered words of agreement and started walking out the auditorium to head to the choir room.
Puck was the first one there. Who he saw standing there made him stop dead in his tracks. It was-
"Quinn." Mr. Shue was standing next to him and walking forward to embrace her. "It's good to see you. I'm glad you could make it."
Everyone filled into the choir room. Puck without a word sat in the seat where Finn would have usually say, next to rachel. He couldn't believe that Quinn was here. Rachel was just staring at her like she grew a second head.
"The floor is yours Quinn." Mr. Shue said.
"I know I hurt Finn really bad when-" Quinn stopped talking halfway through her sentence. She closed her eyes, took a shaky breath then opened them slowly. She looked calm, cool and collected as ever. She looked every bit the picture of perfection she wanted people to believe.
"When I cheated on him and got pregnant then told him the baby was his." She continued. " I know he forgave me and I know it was forever ago, but I never forgave myself." She was trembling. Her voice gave away pain that her face could not express.
"I loved him a lot. But we weren't right for each other. I blamed myself for him dying." Buck drew in a sharp breath at the comment. " But I guess we can all say we had a part to play. But we hurt the people who mean the most to us sometimes, weather we want to or not."
She took another deep breath and turned around so she wasn't facing the group of students anymore.
She looked like she was trying to say something. A long pause filled the room and Mr. Shue reminded her to take her time."I won't be coming back here after today. You guys won't ever see me again." Quinn finally said.
Rachel sat up a little straighter in her chair. "Quinn Wha-"
Quinn held up a hand to silence Rachel. The pain in her eyes was prominent. "Let me me say this." Her composure was breaking. Her voice was shaking with emotion and everyone knew it was only a matter of time before she too broke down.
"I came back here to make amends with my past and to make peace with myself. But even with the new found forgiveness, it's too painful to be back here. Too painful to see you all. I'm going back to Yale. I'm going to Graduate top of my class and become one of the best damn lawyers that ever lived." By the time she finished saying that the tears were flowing freely down her cheeks.
Rachel shot up out of her chair to go hug Quinn, but she wouldn't let her. She took a step back when Rachel attempted to wrap her arms around Quinn.
"Don't." She said quietly. " If you do I'll never leave. Don't make this harder than it has to be."
"Then don't go. Stay." Rachel pleaded. She didn't want to lose anyone else.
"I have to. But I am incredibly grateful for you all and everything you taught me. You guys have made me a better person." She was whispering the last words. "But you have to let me go."
On that note quinn walked out the room with Rachel calling after her. She was shaking silently and puck was trying to decide if he should go up and offer a shoulder to cry on. Kurt already beat him to it though. He guided rachel back to her seat and gave her a reassuring squeeze on her shoulder.
Her face was wet with tears and he didn't like it. Sadness didn't look good on her.
Mr. Shue cleared his throat and walked up in front of everyone. "Finn was an amazing person. I think I speak for us all when I say he will be missed. But he wouldn't want us to be like this. He'd want us to move on. He'd want us to live."
He Placed the plaque that Rachel had made on the wall next to the picture of the founder of glee club. " We have to go on for him. It was amazing seeing you all. But now we have to get back to our lives."
People started walking out of the choir room. One by one or in pairs. Everyone wore a look of sadness on their faces. The mood of the choir room was grim. Puck was about to get up to leave when he realized that rachel hadn't moved an inch. She looked like she wasn't going to move.
After sitting in silence for a while Puck finally broke the silence. "Hey berry. Wanna go for a ride." she only answered with a quiet sure.
They walked out into the school parking lot and she searched of his truck. " Noah, where's your truck?" She looked kind of panicked.
"Traded it in."
"Traded it in?" She questioned. "For what?" He led her over to a black harley and her eyes went wide.
"I decided i could use a change. She's fast." She looked really worried and Puck chuckled to himself, she was wound so tight.
"Surely you don't expect me to get on that! It's extremely unsafe." Ah. There she was.
"Na just put on the helmet and hold on tight." He sat on the bike and patted the seat behind him. "Is this the only helmet you have? Don't you need one?"
"I'm a pro. I don't need one it's just to make wimps like you feel better." Rachel scowled but didn't say anything. She sat down behind him. "What am I supposed to hold to to?" She questioned.
"Me." Puck said with a smirk. He looked back and saw that she was bright red.
"Absolutely not. I refuse." She was furious and he found it to be the most amusing thing in the world. Puck turned his head so that he could peer over his shoulder at her. "What's the problem berry? Can't handle a little skin?" She crossed her arms stubbornly and raised her chin in defiance.
Puck put both of his hands on the handlebars of the motorcycle and turned to face front. He placed his foot over the gas and waited. "Fine let me know how you feel with all the skid marks you're gonna get cuz you fell off the fucking bike." With that, he pressed the gas and rode out of the school parking lot.
"Noah!" She squealed as she squeezed her eyes shut, wrapped both of her arms around his waist tightly and pressed her head to his back. Her eyes shot open when she head him laughing at her. His laugh was hearty and warm and it vibrated his whole body. "I'm glad you think this is funny." She said as she smacked his arm.
"Hey! No hitting the driver. Unless you want me to crash. I'm down with that."
They drove around for some time, not talking just enjoying eachothers company. Everything was nice and peaceful. Rachel was just relaxing letting the fresh air surround her and warm herself with Puck's body heat. She was content. At peace, but as they drove past the city limits that led to the cliff that overlooked Lima, she remembered.
The tears started to flow freely out of her eyes as she cried silently to herself. Puck was alarmed as he felt his shoulder getting wet. He didn't want to look over and take his eyes off the road so he kept his eyes forward and asked over the wind "Hey berry. You good?"
When he heard a sob escape her he knew she was crying. "Why are you crying?" He didn't get it. Weren't they having a good time? He pulled the bike over on a cliffside on the outskirts of town overlooking Lima. When Puck Parked he didn't move a muscle. He just sat there straddling his bike with Rachel behind him and let her cry.
When he heard her sobs quieting down he asked her again softly "Why are you crying" while still looking straight ahead at the town. She lifted her head slowly and wiped her nose with the sleeve of her sweater. She took a few deep breaths like she was trying to calm herself before speaking.
"I was having a good time. I felt like i could think clearly for the first time in weeks." Her voice started to break at that point. Puck could feel an ache in his chest that used to be only reserved for quinn.
"When I looked around at where we were headed. I remembered that. This is… is .." She was stuttering and crying again. Puck didn't have to be looking at her to know she was falling apart. He could hear it in her voice. Just like every time she sang he could hear what she was feeling.
"This is where he told me that he wants to build us a house, and have quite a few children. He said he could picture us sitting in our living room playing piano for the kids and singing them our songs and we make them amazing.." Puck finally stood up and turned around. Then he sat back down so he was still straddling the bike and facing her.
"I wanted" She was choking on her sobs.
"I wanted to build a like and a family with i dont get to do that anymore." She cried. She cried and she let it all out. released all the tension she had been holding,
This wasn't the rachel berry he knew. She was vibrant and driven. Always had a pla. But as he looked at the sobbing mess of a girl in his arms.
The only thing he could do was hold her.
A/N: Okay so it took me quite a while to write this. since i don't have a beta there might be some mistakes. But if anyone is interested in filling the position please go for it. I'm still wondering if i should continue this or not. Please leave a review if you can?!