I should be trying to update other fics, but hey, when I want to write crack, I write crack. It's been a while since I've updated anything properly, so now I'm doing the responsible thing: opening up another massive multi-chapter fic.
Anyway, after reading Hoogiman's 'The Amazing Smashy Race' series in the Smash Bros section (unbelievably, hilariously, amazingly funny), I decided I'd make a Golden Sun version. Remember, this is based off his fic, so lots 'o' credit to goes to him.
Disclaimer: I don't own Golden Sun or the Amazing Race. Nor do I own the computer I typed this on or the house I live in. It's depressing.
Leg One- The Sol Sanctum ruins to Goma Cave (Part 1)
The Amazing Weyard Race. This is the race where eleven teams will race around Weyard for the Grand Prize of one million gold coins! Now introducing your host, The Wise One!
"Hello, hello, and welcome to our first episode of the Amazing Weyard Race! I'm standing here at the Sol Sanctum Ruins with eleven other teams who are all pumped up and ready to go!" exclaimed the Wise One, floating above the sunken mountain. "In this race, loyalties will be tested, friendships will be broken and many hardships will be faced. This race is truly an once-in-a-lifetime experience."
"Now without further ado, let's introduce our teams!"
Team 1
Hsu and Feizhi
Martial Arts Students
"So how do you two think you'll go?"
"Well," said Hsu. "With our many years of training under Master Fei, we-"
"You're fat," stated Feizhi.
"-should have no problems holding our place on the top," Hsu ploughed on, ignoring Feizhi.
"And I mean really, really fat," Feizhi continued on, regardless to the lack of attention. "Being that wide isn't natural; you should be dead."
"We're here together to win this and take the prize money to help Master Fei expand his school as a way of thanking him," continued Hsu. "There's no way we can lose!"
"Why couldn't I go with Isaac?" Feizhi sighed.
Hsu turned to face her. "Why do you always bring up Isaac? What does he have that I don't?"
"He's not grotesquely overweight, unlike you. How do you even manage to walk around?"
Hsu broke down into tears.
Team 2
Garet and Ivan
Friends
"What about the two of you? Do you think that during the race you'll be able to stay on top?" asked the Wise One.
"What's a race?" asked Garet.
Ivan turned to Garet. "It's okay Garet, let me do the talking."
"Okay!" exclaimed Garet happily.
"Well, with our mixture of brains and brawn, that prize money is practically ours."
"Does it worry you that in a recent IQ test, Garet only managed to score a total of 17 points?"
"I don't believe that'll be an issue... right Garet?"
They looked at Garet.
He stared back at them blankly. "Erm... right Garet?"
Garet scratched his head and pointed at himself questioningly.
Ivan nodded.
Garet smiled happily. "My name's Garet!"
"We've got no chance..." Ivan sobbed.
Team 3
Jenna and Kraden
Charity Volunteers
"So you two are here to help raise awareness of Weyard's new Charity organisation, right?
"Yes!" exclaimed Jenna passionately. "I think that it's disgusting how so many people in this world have to struggle just to eat while others live in luxury. It's just sickening! All the prize money will be used to help further this worthy organisation. But really, it's you, the people of Weyard, who this group stands for! So please, donate now and-"
The Wise One glared at her. "Don't advertise on my show."
"Sorry."
"Anyway, Kraden, what sparked your interest in volunteer work?"
"Hmm? Ah.... the poor starving souls in Weyard... they need our help... yes..." Kraden muttered absently while his eyes traced the outline of Jenna's body.
"Oh yes, she's perfect.... they're all wrong.... I'm not too old for her. What she needs is a mature, experienced man like me to-"
"... I can hear you" the Wise One stated.
"SHE'S MINE! STAY AWAY FROM US!!"
Everyone stared at him.
Team 4
Hamma and Babi
Authors
The Wise One looked at Babi strangely. "Aren't you dead?"
"He was!" exclaimed Hamma. "However, during the time of death I had been reading his mind and I, in a sense, died with him while still being alive."
Babi spoke up. "It was then that, after experiencing all the truths one encounters in death, that Hamma pulled me back and cured me with the Lemurian Drought."
The Wise One looked at the pair of them sceptically. "Right... so what did you find out there?"
Hamma held out a book. "It's all right here in this- 'Life after Death: the Fourth Wall'
The Wise One stared at them.
"You know of the fourth wall?" it whispered.
Babi grinned "Oh yes, and we plan to use our knowledge of it to win this race."
"I wouldn't mess with it if I were you..."
"Bah! Watch me!"
Team 5
King Hydros and Piers
Representatives of Royalty and Commoners Relations
"So you two are from... Royalty and Commoners Relations?"
King Hydros nodded. "Indeed we are. All the money will be going towards our organisation. Furthermore, by using this show, we plan to send the message to the people of Weyard that monarchs in general are friendly, approachable people."
"Yes," continued Piers. "By working together, we- "
"QUIET, PEASANT! I WAS TALKING!"
Hydros punched Piers in the face. Piers recoiled, clutching his bleeding nose.
"I'm so sorry, my lord! I shall be more courteous next time!"
Hydros glared at him "You'd better! And no Plying, I want you to bleed! Now... where was I... by working together, we plan to prove how loving and tolerant we who are born into royalty really are!"
The Wise One glanced from Hydros smiling happily to Piers who was bleeding all over the grass.
"Okay... uh... good luck with that."
Team 6
Isaac and Mia
Siblings
The Wise One glanced at Isaac's blonde hair to Mia's blue. "That's strange... you guys don't look like you're family..."
"That's because we're not! We are a couple and are not related in any way!"
"I think there was a mistake during the registration," Mia murmured.
The Wise One turned away. "Yeah, sure, whatever excuse you crazy kids want to use...."
"It's true!" Isaac shouted. "There was a mistake-"
"My registration doesn't lie!"
"There was a mistake, so change it!"
The Wise One rolled its eye.
"*cough* *cough* *incest!* *cough*"
"Change it, you sick-minded freak!"
"You're being repetitive!"
"YOUR FACE IS BEING REPETATIVE!"
"OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! NINTHCIRLE, STOP USING THAT PATHETIC LINE!!"
The Wise One stared up at the sky. "YES, I BROKE THE FOURTH WALL! SMITE ME DOWN YOU EVIL SON OF A BITCH!"
The Wise One waited. No smiting was forthcoming. All the teams stared curiously.
"Lazy bastard..."
Team 7
Alex and Felix
Social Outcasts
"So how do you think you'll against the other teams?"
"Well," stated Alex. "With my underhanded, deceitful personality and Felix's ability to foster a sense of pity out of the other teams due to his pathetic life, this race is as good as won."
Felix stared at Alex. "So I'm just your emotional lever? I feel so used....."
Alex smiled. "Face it, Felix. As a child you were almost drowned, torn away from a home you never left and threatened into helping your captors with the lives of your parents. Oh yeah, and you spent the last three years of your life with psychopaths like Menardi."
Felix broke down into tears.
"Awww," said Mia, who was watching on. "Let's give the poor thing a hug."
Alex smiled. This was going to be easy.
Team 8
Justin and Megan
Abandoned Healing Students
"Now what do a pair of children want with a million gold coins?"
"KILL MIA!!!" screamed the pair madly.
"Um... why?" asked the Wise One, taken aback by the children's unexpectedly violent words.
"SHE ABANBONDED US!" wailed Megan.
"SHE LEFT US TO CARE FOR AN ENTIRE VILLAGE!" screamed Justin.
"You guys didn't seem that angry at the time..."
"She drugged us before she told us she'd be leaving," hissed Justin.
The Wise One raised a metaphorical eyebrow and looked over at Mia, who had turned away innocently and had begun whistling.
Justin and Megan glared angrily at her.
Team 9
Kay and Saturos
Gardeners
"Ah, gardeners. Kay and.... WAIT, WHAT!?"
The Wise one looked strangely at Saturos.
"Menardi's surprisingly spongy body broke my fall!" exclaimed Saturos happily. "Now I can finally do what I've wanted to do for my entire life! Now I can garden to my heart's content!"
"Ain't he just the sweetest thing?" said Kay, cuddling Saturos. "He's been suppressed this entire time, and now he can finally express himself."
"Uh... right," said the Wise One, slowly backing away.
Team 10
Flint and Echo
Djinn Alliance Representatives
"Djinn use human currency?" asked the Wise One.
"Not really," said Echo. "We're from the Djinn Alliance and we're here to angst about the mistreatment of-"
"Not interested," stated the Wise One. "I've already heard from too many wack organisations. Next team!"
"Hey-"
Team 11
Dullahan and Sheba
Mother and Daughter
"Hi sweetie!" exclaimed the Wise One happily.
"Hey Daddy!" waved Sheba.
"Alright, I already know where the money's going to go but why don't you tell all the kind viewers anyway, honey?" asked the Wise One.
"We are all going to buy a large mansion and live out a happy family life away from normal mortals," echoed Dullahan in it's deep, monotonous voice.
"Yay!" cheered Sheba and the Wise One.
"Anyway, I'll be rooting for you!" declared the Wise One.
"And if you need any help, don't hesitate to ask," it added, whispering.
The filming crew looked over suspiciously at the Wise One.
The Starting Line
Sol Sanctum Ruins
The Wise One pulled out a gun.
"Okay, when I fire, you must run to your designated bags and take your first clue. From there, it's entirely up to you how you proceed. Be sure to quickly reach every pit stop, as the last team to reach each one will be eliminated. The first team which crosses the final finish line will win the grand prize, one million gold coins!"
"Additionally, for this leg of the race you are given fifty coins to spend as you wish."
"Now," the Wise One continued. "Start lining up!"
The teams all lined up across the starting line. The tension was high. Cheesy theme music played.
"Ready............. Set.............."
There was a pause.
"GO!!!"
The Wise One shot Piers in the shin.
"OW!" screamed Piers. "WHAT WAS THAT FOR!?"
"My finger slipped," the Wise One blandly lied.
"YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE FINGERS!"
The Wise One shrugged.
.....
"YOU DON'T HAVE SHOULDERS EITHER!"
Dullahan and Sheba
Mother and Daughter
Currently in 1st Place
Sheba sat contently on Dullahan's back as Dullahan violently ploughed through the other contestants. She hopped off upon reaching the bags and the first clue.
She tore it open and read aloud, "You must now make your way into the Mayor's house in New Vale."
"Teams must now travel to New Vale and locate the Mayor's house, where they will find their next clue!" commentated the Wise One. "However, teams must be careful of the Valeans' horribly large and well-founded paranoia, which has possibly something to do with the decimation of their last town."
"Easy," boasted Sheba, hopping back on Dullahan's shoulders.
"Onwards!" she yelled, pointing out to the horizon. Dullahan galloped off into the sunset.
Alex and Felix
Social Outcasts
Currently in 2nd Place
"Hey, Felix, where did you guys build New Vale?" asked Alex innocently.
"Over there," Felix pointed.
"Oh good." Alex took out a large, wooden signpost and quickly carved 'New Vale, This Way' onto it and shoved it into the ground. He stood back to admire his handiwork.
"Nobody's going to fall for that," stated Felix.
Suddenly, Garet and Ivan ran up by.
"Hey Ivan, New Vale's that way!" exclaimed Garet, reading off the sign.
"Garet.... wait, NO!" Ivan yelled as Garet latched onto his wrist and began running off in the general direction of Prox.
Alex glanced over at Felix, grinning. "You were saying?"
Justin and Megan
Abandoned Healing Students
Currently in 3rd Place
"Justin, where was New Vale again?"
"I forget-" Justin began.
They ran past the signpost.
"That's convenient," he stated happily.
Kay and Saturos
Gardeners
Currently in 3th Place
"Bah, just keep running Saturos," muttered Kay, ignoring the signpost. "I know where my own house is."
"Okay."
Isaac and Mia
Siblings
Currently in 4th Place
"What the hell? Vale's that way," said Isaac, confused. He pulled out the sign and faced it in the right direction. "Jeez, these race designers are hopeless."
"I'll always know where your home is, Isaac," Mia whispered lovingly in his ear.
Isaac turned to face her, smiling. They shared a kiss. The cameraman stared strangely at the two, making choking noises.
Isaac angrily turned to face him. "We are not family, damn it!"
The nameless cameraman rolled his eyes.
"Sure, whatever... do you enjoy your mum as well, kid?"
Isaac narrowed his eyes and began rolling up his sleeves. "Say that again..."
The cameraman left the camera on its stand and began to roll up his own sleeves.
He grinned. "Is your father also your uncle?"
"YOU'RE GOING DOWN!"
"Whatcha going to do, kid?" the cameraman remarked. "Everyone knows inbreds are... HOLY SHI-"
Isaac took him down.
Isaac and Mia
Currently in 8th Place
"I win 'cause I'm the protagonist," said Isaac happily.
"Um, Isaac, almost all the teams have passed us," Mia pointed out.
"Not Piers and Hydros," replied Isaac.
King Hydros and Piers
Representatives of Royalty and Commoners Relations
Currently in 9th Place
Piers slowly limped towards the clue, wincing with every step.
"Faster, slave!" bawled Hydros, sitting on Piers's shoulders.
"I'm trying my hardest, my lord!" whimpered Piers, still bleeding heavily out of his shin.
"I don't know what you peons do all day but to people of royal blood, time is precious. We have real things to accomplish!"
Piers managed a few more steps forward.
"I feel dizzy..." muttered Piers.
Hydros pulled out a taser and shoved it into Piers's spinal column.
"AHHH!"
Piers collapsed, twitching.
"Let that be a lesson to you, peasant!" said Hydros, folding his arms.
....
"Uh... Piers?"
Hamma and Babi
Authors
Currently in 4th Place
"You know," Babi said loudly to Hamma, "I think that the author is an incredible, intelligent person. So passionate, so understanding, I don't think there's a better person I'll ever know!"
"Yes!" continued Hamma equally as loudly. "I mean, he takes writing to a whole new level! I am honoured by the simple fact that I have been included into this incredible work of art!"
A pair of saddled horses calmly strode out of a nearby set of trees.
Babi and Hamma grinned as they hopped onto the horses.
"Idiot..." muttered Babi as they rose away.
The horses violently combusted.
Hsu and Feizhi
Martial Arts Students
Currently in 5th Place
"I'd have been in first place if I didn't have such a fat slob of a partner," Feizhi remarked.
"Why can we just get along?" asked Hsu angrily.
Feizhi rolled her eyes.
"Because you eat too much," she complained.
Hsu looked up at her, hurt. "It's not my fault! It's all genetics, my mother and father were- OH LOOK A CREAM BUN!"
Hsu dashed away.
Feizhi stared around angrily as Hsu rushed towards his prize.
"Okay, who the hell's fault was that!?"
Jenna and Kraden
Charity Volunteers
Currently in 5th Place
"Hehe...." giggled Jenna.
Flint and Echo
Djinn Alliance Representatives
Currently in 7th Place
"Damn these stubby legs!" complained Flint as he and Echo waddled slowly after the other teams.
Dullahan and Sheba
Mother and Daughter
1st to New Vale
"That was quick," remarked Sheba as Dullahan strode into town. "Now where's that-"
"AHH! A MONSTER!!" screamed a nearby Valean, pointing at Dullahan. Instantly a group of villagers began gathering around Sheba and Dullahan wielding torches and pitchforks.
"Umm, this is all a big misunderstanding..." began Sheba.
"SHE'S CONTROLLING IT!" a villager madly screamed.
"SHE'S A WITCH!"
"BURN HER!!"
The villagers grabbed her and began tying her to a stake.
"Why aren't you doing anything!?" Sheba shrieked at Dullahan.
"Violence gets you nowhere," suddenly stated Dullahan in a very motherly-like way.
"WHAT!?" screamed Sheba.
"I haven't been around you for very long, young lady, but now I'm seeing what a violent child Faran has raised you as. If you want someone to do something for you, you need to ask nicely." Dullahan explained, tenderly patting Sheba on the head.
"Okay..." sighed Sheba. She looked down at one of the villagers currently pouring kerosene over her. "Um, could you please not burn me?"
"No," he stated angrily.
"Oh..."
Justin and Megan
Abandoned Healing Students
Currently in 10th Place
"Hey, Garet, Ivan! How come you're travelling back the way we came?" asked Megan as a bloodthirsty Ivan stalked into view.
"Well, you see," Ivan growled. "I've just managed to convince Garet where his own house was located."
"My grandpa's the Mayor?" asked Garet.
"YES, IDIOT!"
"You don't have to be so mean, Ivan," Garet muttered.
"Just... shut...up..." responded Ivan and strode off.
Justin and Megan stared at each other.
"So..." Justin began.
"Vale's actually..." continued Megan.
Realisation struck.
"GODDAMMIT!"
Alex and Felix
Social Outcasts
2nd into New Vale
"Easy," muttered Alex, walking into Vale. He turned to Felix. "Now where did you say the Mayor's house was-?"
"AHH!! IT'S ALEX!!" screamed a nearby Valean. Instantly a group of villagers began gathering around Felix and Alex wielding torches and pitchforks.
"Yes Felix?" asked Alex, ignoring the angry mob.
"Uh, I think it was over there," pointed Felix, nervously looking at the angry group of Valeans.
"Okay!" stated Alex happily.
A path was cleared as various villagers were thrown out of the way.
Many screams and angry glares later, the pair was sitting in the mayor's home, sipping coffee.
"Thank you for your hospitality, Mr. Mayor," Alex remarked.
"Oh, it's n-no problem Alex," stammered the Mayor, a drop of sweat running down his face. "Is there a-anything more I can do for you gentlemen?"
"Well, first off, how about you hand over the clue," asked Alex.
The Mayor reached into his coat, pulled out a plain envelope and handed it over to Felix.
"Thank you kindly," grinned Alex. "Felix, what does it say?"
Felix tore open the envelope and read, "Detour! Brains or Brawn?"
"Detour!" exclaimed the Wise One. "A detour is a choice between two tasks. This detour is 'Brains or Brawn'."
"In Brains, teams must head to the Vale Inn where they'll have to teach one of the local children in a subject randomly chosen by me. The children will then take a five-question multiple choice test. Teams will be given their next clue if the child answers all five questions correctly."
"The teams are free to take the test whenever they want, however if their pupil fails, they will suffer a ten minute penalty before being able to take the test again." The Wise One continued.
"In Brawn, teams must travel to the forests near the entrance of Vale to hunt down and fight five of Vale's elite guards. There may be many of them, but remember that Vale was the pathetic town that's response at the potential end of the world was to send out a pair of teenagers."
"Brawn," said Alex, cracking his knuckles.
"I figured you'd say that," groaned Felix.
Jenna and Kraden
Charity Volunteers
Currently in 2nd Place
Jenna and Kraden strode happily into Vale.
"We're making good time!" exclaimed Jenna. "For an old man, you're pretty fast."
"Just watching a pretty, young girl like you puts a spring in my step!" replied Kraden.
"Okay... thanks?" said Jenna, her danger senses tingling.
"My pleasure," grinned Kraden creepily.
They walked into the Mayor's house and Jenna took the clue.
"Brains or Brawn?" asked Jenna.
"Brains, definitely," responded Kraden. "I am a scholar after all."
Dullahan and Sheba
Mother and Daughter
Currently in 3rd Place
"Brains or Brawn?" asked Sheba.
"Brains, darling. How could you even consider violence as an option? I must really visit Faran at some point and give him a piece of my mind," complained Dullahan.
"If violence isn't the answer, why'd you try to kill us all in the Anemos ruins!?"
"It was my job! Do you know how stingy my employers are!?" growled Dullahan.
"So you care more about your job than your own daughter? You're a horrible mother!" Sheba shouted angrily.
"I'M SORRY!!" wailed Dullahan, collapsing sorrowfully into Sheba's arms. "I'll be a better mother from now on, I promise!"
"Can't... breathe..." choked Sheba, slowly being crushed under the oversized suit of armour.
Kay and Saturos
Gardeners
Currently in 4th Place
"We're here!" shouted Kay as she and Saturos ran into New Vale.
"Great! Now where's the-"
"AHH!! IT'S SATUROS!!" screamed a nearby Valean. Instantly a group of villagers began gathering around Saturos and Kay wielding torches and pitchforks.
"Peace, friends," said Saturos, lovingly tying a rose to one of the villager's pitchforks.
The villager glared at him, tore the rose off and trampled it into the floor.
Saturos's eye twitched.
Kay sweatdropped.
Hamma and Babi
Authors
Currently in 5th Place
Babi walked into Vale followed by an irritated Hamma.
"You don't ever, ever insult the author, idiot!" she growled.
"Well, it's not like... WHAT THE HELL happened here!?"
An entire section of New Vale was ablaze, burning corpses scattering the ground. Screaming could be heard in the background.
"Eh, it's Vale. It was bound to happen sooner or later," explained Hamma.
Hsu and Feizhi
Martial Arts Students
Currently in 6th Place
"Brains or Brawn?" asked Hsu.
"Brawn! I'd be showin' dem all mah mad Kung Fu skillz!" boasted Feizhi, making vague gangster gestures.
Hsu raised an eyebrow.
"SHUT UP! I CAN BE COOL TOO!" yelled Feizhi, punching Hsu in the face.
"Yeah..." muttered Feizhi, glaring at Hsu's unconscious body. "Dat's what I'm talkin' about."
King Hydros and Piers
Representatives of Royalty and Commoners Relations
Currently in 7th Place
"You're lucky I'm so resourceful, peasant," said Hydros, stopping his personal carriage right in front of the Mayor's house. "Now fetch me my clue!"
"Of course, my lord," bowed Piers.
He ran into the house and, moments later, ran out with the clue.
"TOO SLOW!" screamed Hydros, kneeing Piers in the gut.
"Now," he muttered, taking the clue from Piers's writhing body. "What's this say... Brawn or Brains... right! We'll do Brains! I am, after all, the wise, all-knowing King of Lemura."
Alex and Felix
Social Outcasts
On Detour 'Brawn'
"Right... so where are these 'elite' warriors anyway?" asked Alex, looking around the forest near the village entrance.
"I will not allow you to refer to us in that manner!"
Instantly, a black-clad fighter wielding a katana jumped down from the trees overhead.
"Uh, since when was Vale a home for a secret sect of ninjas?" Alex asked, confused.
Felix shrugged. "No one really paid any attention to them, but they were there. Trust me."
"Oh... well then- TAKE THAT!!" yelled Alex, shooting off a shard of ice the ninja. However, the ice shard as it approached the ninja lost momentum and dropped, shattering against the floor.
The ninja stepped forward, grinning obnoxiously.
"What you have just witnessed is my special ability, Haizuumarac Kaimarushin Iaitasino! (Yay for excessively long names :P) All water and ice elements through this ability mean nothing against the power of my chakra!" he boasted.
Felix facepalmed and Alex rolled his eyes.
"Why must you freaking ninjas always explain out your abilities before every single fight?" Felix asked. "You should have realized by now how badly it disadvantages you."
"Oh, we know. It's just always the cool thing for the antagonist to do; it makes them seem impressive before what probably will be a meaningless fight."
"Ah."
"Anyway... now it's time for me to REVEAL MY TRUE FORM!!" the ninja pronounced dramatically.
The ninja hunched down and began twitching violently in what probably would end up being a three-episode-long dramatic transformation.
"I can't take this anymore," groaned Felix. "Spire!"
"You are one thousand years of training behind- OH GOD!"
Felix made it a meaningless fight.
Alex and Felix
4 Ninjas to go
"Psh," muttered Alex, staring at the ninja corpse. "Ninjas suck."
"Ah well," Felix muttered. "At least they're better than pirates."
...
"WHAT DID YOU SAY!?" screamed Alex.
Jenna and Kraden
Charity Volunteers
On Detour 'Brains'
Kraden and Jenna strode up to the inn's reception. The receptionist looked up questioningly.
"Hey, we're here for the Brains detour. Where's the child we need to teach?" asked Jenna.
"Oh, she's right here." The receptionist reached behind the counter, pulled out a child and dumped her on the counter.
Jenna stared strangely at the receptionist. "You're... keeping all the children under the counter?"
The receptionist nodded. "Yup, it's tidier that way."
Kraden gazed hungrily at the counter.
"Reminds me of that old drawer Jenna used to keep her panties in," he muttered to himself.
The receptionist and Jenna stared at Kraden in disgust, as did Sheba and Dullahan.
"Oh, hey Sheba!" exclaimed Jenna, noticing the other team.
"Hi Jenna!" waved Sheba as Dullahan ordered their child. "You picked Brains too?"
"Yeah, I figured it'd be easier as Kraden's actually had teaching experience."
The Wise One floated into the Inn as Kraden and Dullahan brought their pupils forward.
"Okay teams, it's time for your random subject!" it began, placing a lot of suspicious emphasis on the word 'random'. "Sheba and Dullahan, you two will be teaching your student... Addition!"
"Yay!" cheered the pair.
"Jenna and Kraden," continued the Wise One. "You two will be teaching your student about... Quantum Physics!"
"Wait, WHAT!?" yelled Jenna. "Are you retarded? We can't teach a kid-"
"Talk to the hand," replied the Wise One, turning away obnoxiously.
"STOP REFERENCING BODY PARTS YOU DON'T OWN!"
Kay and Saturos
Gardeners
On Detour 'Brawn'
"Kill... the Valeans..." growled Saturos.
"Okay Saturos, I think you may have over-reacted there," muttered Kay. "It was only a flower after all... and coming from me that sort of means something..."
Suddenly a ninja jumped down from a tree.
"Halt! I am-"
The ninja was consumed in a violent pillar of fire.
Kay and Saturos
4 Ninjas to go
"On second thought, anger said to be a good focus..." recited Kay happily.
Hamma and Babi
Authors
On Detour 'Brains'
"Okay Wise One! What do you want this brat to learn?" asked Babi.
"Um... let's see... how about psychology?" replied the Wise One off the top of it's head. "Yeah, that'd be nice. He could grow up to treat the producers of this crazy show."
"Psychology!?" responded Babi furiously. "He's a dumb village kid! How the hell are we meant to-"
Hamma placed a hand quietly on Babi's shoulder.
"It'll be fine," she whispered. "I have a plan."
Jenna and Kraden
Charity Volunteers
On Detour 'Brains' - Teaching Quantum Physics
"Okay.... so how the hell are we going to do this?" asked Jenna.
"Well," Kraden began. "Learning is proven to be far more efficient when the child has a focus or specific reason to learn such as rewards, punishments or the like."
"Okay! Punishments, gottcha!" said Jenna happily.
"... Err... she did hear rewards as an option, didn't she?" Kraden asked himself, watching Jenna stride up to their child.
"Okay kid, this is how it goes! If you fail this test, I'm gonna set your parents on fire!" exclaimed Jenna, happily patting the horrified little girl on the back.
Isaac and Mia
Siblings
In New Vale
"Thanks, Mr. Mayor!" said Isaac, taking the clue.
"Shouldn't we help them, Isaac?" asked Mia, peering around the burning town.
"Nah, leave it to them, they should be used to it by now," explained Isaac matter-of-factly. "Anyway, should we try Brains or Brawn?"
"Brains," asked Mia thoughtfully. "We learn some things about raising children so when we have-"
The mayor made a few disgusted choking sounds.
".... what was that for?" asked Isaac cautiously.
"Nothing..." answered the Mayor, averting his eyes.
Isaac ground his teeth together. "You watched me grow up here! We are not related, damn you!"
"Yeah, I'm sure you're not..." replied the Mayor, still averting his eyes.
"I HATE YOU ALL!!" screamed Isaac.
Alex and Felix
Social Outcasts
2 Ninjas to go
"Oh hey, Felix. I've got a good one!" exclaimed Alex, happily standing over another ninja corpse.
"Uh, one what?" asked Felix curiously.
"A joke!" grinned Alex. "Okay, so what has a katana, and is covered in black and red?"
"What?" asked Felix, rolling his eyes.
"The ninja I just killed!"
Felix shook his head. "That's really not funny, Alex. That's hardly even a joke."
"Laugh, damn it," glared Alex.
"Ahahaha...." weakly laughed Felix, feeling the blood in his veins slowly drop in temperature.
Dullahan and Sheba
Mother and Daughter
On Detour 'Brains' - Teaching Addition
"It's time for your test!" declared Sheba to the little Valean boy.
"Yay!" he cheered.
Sheba and Dullahan led the child to testing room. Sheba opened the door and motioned for the boy to go through.
"Okay, remember what to do when you don't know the answer?" she asked him, smiling.
"I use my fingers!" recited the boy, smiling back.
"Good luck in there!"
"Oh, hey Sheba!"
Cheerfully, Jenna strode up to the pair followed by Kraden leading their trembling student.
"Now remember, if you don't want to be an orphan you'll pass this test for us!" exclaimed Jenna playfully to their student. "Now run along child!"
With a look of disbelieving horror at Jenna, the girl ran into the testing room.
"Nice kid," Jenna murmured to herself.
"Kraden, why aren't telling her off!?" yelled Sheba, shocked. "What the hell kind of punishment is that?"
"Lucky kid..." Kraden grumbled. "I wish Jenna would punish me like that..."
"HUH!?"
"I've been a bad boy, Jenna." Kraden began mumbling to himself. "Please set me straight."
Sheba stared at the pair of them in absolute disgust.
King Hydros and Piers
Representatives of Royalty and Commoners Relations
On Detour 'Brains'
"Here you go!" said the receptionist, happily handing over a snotty-nosed kid.
"This'll be a piece of cake," boasted Hydros.
"King Hydros and Piers," pronounced the Wise One. "You two will be teaching your child... Medical Sciences!"
"WHAT!?"
Hsu and Feizhi
Martial Arts Students
On Detour 'Brawn'
Feizhi and Hsu entered the forests near Vale's entrance.
"Right, so where are these elite-"
She broke off as a volley screams tore through the trees. A moment later, a ninja sprinted up to the pair of them.
"PLEASE HIDE ME!!" he yelled into Feizhi's face.
"From what?" asked Feizhi, confused.
"AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!" Alex's homicidal laughter echoed a short distance away.
"Quick, he's coming!" begged the ninja.
"Oh... um... quick! Under Hsu's shirt!" Feizhi improvised.
"Wha-"
Feizhi shoved the ninja into Hsu's shirt just as Alex ran into sight.
"Hey, another team!" greeted Alex. "You haven't seen any ninjas by any chance around here have you? We're on our last one."
"Nope!" replied Hsu.
"No ninjas here!" continued Feizhi. "And it's not like that if we did see one we would've hidden him in Hsu's clothing because he's so fat nobody would notice the extra bulk or anything like that."
"...why are you so cruel to me?" asked Hsu.
"We've been over this thousands of times, Hsu. It's because you're a fat blob that would find it easier to roll then to walk!"
Hsu began to cry.
Alex raised an eyebrow.
"Uh, right. Actually... as another team... I should at least eliminate you to reduce competition," he muttered to himself, a sadistic expression slowly growing across his face.
"I'm afraid you can't do that Alex," commented the Wise One, appearing out of nowhere.
"What? Why not!?" asked Alex angrily.
"It's in your contract. If you begin murdering off other teams, you simply won't get any of the prize money."
"Damn."
Felix ran into view, wheezing.
"You run too fast, Alex," he gasped. "Can't you at least pretend we're a team?"
"However," continued the Wise One. "You do have permission to kill your partner for comedic effect."
Felix's head whipped up. "Wait, WHAT!?"
"Yay!" cheered Alex, stealing one of Felix's vital organs and running off with it.
Felix died. Cheesy sitcom laugher played in the background.
Hsu and Feizhi
4 Ninjas to go
"I think he suffocated," commented Feizhi, poking the ninja corpse.
"Shut up!" cried Hsu.
Isaac and Mia
Siblings
On Detour 'Brains'
"Isaac and Mia," declared the Wise One. "The two of you will be teaching your student... multiplication!"
"What!? How is that fair!?" yelled Hydros from across the room.
"Look, I'd love to give this incestuous pair another ridiculously overqualified topic," explained the Wise One. "But apparently I've pissed the producers off, so they're choosing all the topics now."
"We are NOT incestuous!" Isaac yelled angrily.
"Just do the damn detour," muttered the Wise One, disappearing.
Jenna and Kraden
Charity Volunteers
On Detour 'Brains' - Teaching Quantum Physics
"How did you go? Come on! Don't be shy!" asked Jenna excitedly.
"I... got two questions wrong," replied the girl, shaking, awaiting the response.
"PATHETIC!" screamed Jenna into the little girl's face.
Jenna whipped around and marched up to the receptionist's desk.
"Hey, could you please tell me where our student's family lives?" she asked casually.
"... why would you want to know that?" the receptionist questioned suspiciously.
"To... er... congratulate her parents for raising such a great kid?"
"Okay!" obliviously replied the receptionist.
The receptionist cheerfully handed over the student's address, which Jenna accepted.
"Make sure she passes the next test, Kraden, or we'll have to find more things to burn!" Jenna exclaimed as she dashed out of the inn.
".... we?" Kraden asked quietly.
"Um, Kraden?" Kraden felt a little tugging at his sleeve. He looked down and spied their small pupil.
"She's not really going to burn my parents, is she?" asked the girl fearfully.
"Nah... I'm sure she wouldn't..." assured Kraden unconvincingly.
Flint and Echo
Djinn Alliance Representatives
On Detour 'Brains' - Teaching Grammar
"Listen to us!" yelled Flint angrily. "We're trying to teach you!"
"The kitty can talk!" exclaimed the child, happily fiddling around with Echo's ears.
"Echo! Tell her to stop that!"
"Just a bit more to the left..." purred Echo.
"GOD DAMN YOU ECHO YOU ARE NOT A CAT!"
Dullahan and Sheba
Mother and Daughter
Currently in 1st Place
"I passed!" cheered the boy.
"Yes!" celebrated Sheba. "Now we can get the clue!"
Sheba and Dullahan strode up to the receptionist's desk and took the clue. Dullahan gingerly opened it out and read, "You must now make your way to Vale's store."
"Teams must now travel to Vale's pitifully-stocked store where they will take one of eleven horse-driven coaches to Vault," the Wise One commentated.
"Let's go!" exclaimed Dullahan.
Sheba and Dullahan dashed out of the inn towards the shop.
"Hey mum?" asked Sheba, staring at the doorway of the inn. "How did you fit in there?"
"PLOT DEVICE!" wildly screamed the author in the distance.
Sheba looked around, confused. "Um... what?"
Garet and Ivan
Friends
Currently in 10th Place
"Do you have ANY idea how far behind we are!?" Ivan shouted, watching Dullahan and Sheba, closely followed by Alex and Felix, leaving Vale on separate coaches. "They're leaving, Garet! Leaving! You know what that means, right?"
"No," replied Garet obliviously.
Ivan facepalmed.
Kay and Saturos
Gardeners
1 Ninja to go
"Burn, bitches! BURN!" screamed Saturos, burning down entire acres of woodland.
"You keep at it, Saturos!" exclaimed Kay happily.
Kay and Saturos
Interview after leg
"I tend to forget," explained Kay. "But Saturos really is one of Prox's strongest soldiers. He'll come in handy when we're given tasks that require fighting or," - she lowered her voice - "bumping off the other teams," she whispered.
"I heard that!" shouted Alex from another room. "And you can't do that! It's in the contract!"
"It's in your contract, Alex!" replied Kay. "The producers didn't trust you! The rest of us can do whatever the hell we want!"
"WHAT!?" yelled Alex, outraged. "Heads are going to roll!"
Footsteps could be heard as Alex furiously stomped away.
"Jeez, that guy's anger problems," muttered Kay to the camera. "Childhood issues if you ask me. His parent's must've really hated him or something."
Justin and Megan
Abandoned Healing Students
Currently in 11th Place
"Brains or Brawn?" asked Justin.
"Brawn," replied Megan. "We can show everyone how much we've developed our awesome Mia-killing techniques!"
"Yay!" cheered Justin happily.
Hamma and Babi
Authors
On Detour 'Brains' - Teaching Psychology
Hamma uncrossed her legs and stood up, taking her palm off the boy's head.
"We're ready," she stated.
"What do you mean you're ready?" asked Babi angrily. "You've just sat there saying nothing this whole time!"
"Oh for the love of... I'm a wind adept, Babi! I enter people's minds! Wind adept! Mind manipulation! Teaching! What the hell do you think I've been doing!?" replied Hamma, irritated.
"Ah... I knew that!" exclaimed Babi obnoxiously. "I was just testing you!"
"Let's just complete the detour," Hamma said, exasperated.
Isaac and Mia
Siblings
On Detour 'Brains' - Teaching Multiplication
"It looks like Babi and Hamma have already finished," commented Mia, watching Hamma and Babi collect their clue from the receptionist.
"I passed!" suddenly cheered their pupil coming out of the testing room.
"And we are right behind them!" exclaimed Isaac. "Run Mia! Let's get the clue!"
King Hydros and Piers
Representatives of Royalty and Commoners Relations
On Detour 'Brains' - Teaching Medical Sciences
"We failed," growled Hydros, looking over their pupil's test papers.
"Well, what did you expect!?" asked Piers.
"SILENCE PEASANT!!" screamed Hydros. "I NEVER WANT TO HEAR OPINIONS FROM YOU AGAIN! YOU HEAR ME!?"
"Free will is such a difficult issue," continued Hydros happily. "You have to keep beating it down. It's a never ending battle."
Hsu and Feizhi
Martial Arts Students
Currently in 6th Place
"That's the last one!" remarked Feizhi, dealing a sharp knock-out punch to the ninja.
"Now where's that clue?" asked Hsu.
"Right here," said the Wise One, appearing out of nowhere and handing them the clue.
"How do you know when the team has finished the detour?" asked Hsu questioningly as Feizhi began to read the clue.
The Wise One looked at him with an all-knowing gaze.
"I am omnipotent," it replied matter-of-factly.
"Then why do you act shocked or surprised so often?" Hsu asked curiously.
"YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO FIND FLAWS IN MY STORY!" wildly screamed the author in the distance.
"I wish he would stop doing that," sighed the Wise One, shaking it's head.
Jenna and Kraden
Charity Volunteers
On Detour 'Brains' - Teaching Quantum Physics
"Good luck," murmured Kraden, ushering their student into the testing room.
"Or I'll have to burn this too!!" exclaimed Jenna, happily holding up the little girl's squealing puppy.
The poor girl stared at Jenna with a desperate, pleading expression on her face before leaving her beloved puppy in Jenna's grasp for the test.
It's now time for our ad break!
After the break:
"So did you pass or fail?" asked Jenna, threateningly holding out the poor orphan's puppy.
"I... I..." began the girl nervously, stepping from foot to foot.
Find out! Stay tuned for more!
Current Team Statuses:
1st Place - Dullahan and Sheba - Travelling to Vault
2nd Place - Alex and Felix - Travelling to Vault
3rd Place - Kay and Saturos - Travelling to Vault
4th Place - Hamma and Babi - Travelling to Vault
5th Place - Isaac and Mia - Travelling to Vault
6th Place - Hsu and Feizhi - Travelling to Vault
7th Place - Jenna and Kraden - On Detour 'Brains' - Teaching Quantum Physics
7th Place - King Hydros and Piers - On Detour 'Brains' - Teaching Medical Sciences
7th Place - Flint and Echo - On Detour 'Brains' - Teaching Grammar
10th Place - Justin and Megan - Yet to start detour
10th Place - Garet and Ivan - Yet to start detour
Not all chapters will have ad breaks, this time I was just disgustingly lazy and felt like posting whatever the hell I had.
In reality I've only actually watched about one or two episodes of the Amazing Race and I'm just going off what I've learnt from 'The Amazing Smashy Race'. It was tricky at first but a pattern works itself out.
Chibi Sadist: Bah! Who gives a crap?
NinthCircle: ... What're you doing here?
Chibi Sadist: I figured I'd come over from Noble Intentions. It's not being as bloody as you promised me!
NinthCircle: Just shut up before I start adopting lost animals.
Chibi Sadist: I'll be quiet...
NinthCircle: Good! Read and Review, people!