I was sitting at a nondescript airport hotel bar feeling sorry for myself. My whiskey stung as I sipped at it. I've been here for 3 hours. The bartender and I were now great friends. He kept my glass full and I was tipping him 100 percent. I think he was waiting for me to tell him my life story, but I've been in to many bars for to many years to spill to the first nice barkeep I come across.
Why might you ask was I feeling sorry for myself? It was my birthday and I was stuck in Chicago in a snow storm instead of home in my own bed with my dog and Chinese takeout watching my favorite movies till I pass out. Most people on their 25th birthdays have grand plans with their friends, but not me. I travel to much for work to have friends. I wrote travel books. I've been all over the world. I was between assignments and for the first time since I started doing it I was so tired of not having a place to call my own. I have a loft that I bought, but I never get to stay there long.
I have the people I meet randomly, people from my past and my family. Not to exciting. I call my parents once a month, my siblings on special occasions and I haven't talked to anyone from collage or high school in years. Personal attachment wasn't my thing, never has been, but it was starting to look good.
So I was with Dave the bartender sipping my whiskey. A plucky song came on and I started bobbin my head to the melody. Then the singing started. His voice was so hopeful, so amazed at something. He sang of a love that never was, a love he wished he had tried to make reality. It was a song of second chances. I listened to the whole song and it was like someone had taken a snapshot of my life.
"Dave what song is this?" I asked.
"No idea. Look at the playlist on the jukebox. You want a refill?" He asked. I stood up and shook my head no. I needed to know the song.
I made my way over and saw what it was. The singer was a famous actor. I took out my phone and searched other songs he's done. I found a few more and played them. One was a sad song that made me sadder then I was. I decided I was done at the bar and went to my room. Dave was sad to see me leave.
I showered and put the first song on my phone and listened to it again. I thought of the one person I never had, but could have, should have had. He was the first man I had ever loved. The first man I had ever allowed into my heart. The only one if I am being honest. He was the only one for a lot of things in my life. The song was on a loop and I raided the mini bar. The lyrics rattled around in my head. It took me back to memories I never allow myself to think of.
I was finally a collage graduate and able to go off into the world and do what I've always wanted to do. I was free of all the bullshit I thought my life was. I was free.
I was packing my first duffel bag for my first assignment when there was a knock on my door. I checked the clock by my bed. It was well past one in the morning. I stood and walked to my door. Outside of it stood the closest person I had to me. He looked like he was a bit drunk, a bit sad and a bit angry all wrapped into one.
"Gendry? What are you doing here." I stepped back to allow him to come in. He smelled like fake cotton candy and had glitter all over him.
"I just wanted to see you before you left. I was out with clients and they went to a club. I was miserable because I was there and not with you." He said looking down at my upturned face.
We had been friends for 4 years now. There was always that unspoken line between us that neither had crossed but saw every time we were together. I turned and walked back to my bed to finish packing. He followed and sat right next to the opened bag.
"You don't have to go. You can get a job closer to home." His voice was soft. This was a conversation we had many times in the last month.
"This is my dream job Gendry. I have to go. You know that. You are the one who found it for me in the first place. If I turned it down I would hate myself. You know that." I placed another pair of jeans in the bag. I was reaching for another pair when his hand encircled my wrist.
I looked up into his eyes and they were clear and they captured me. I couldn't look away. I knew this look. He was determined to say something and I had no choice but to listen to him.
"Arya I don't want you to leave. I want you to stay here with me. I am in love with you Arya." His eyes were serious, his face was opened. I saw all the emotions he was feeling flow across his face.
I wanted to run. I had been ignoring the signs of this growing affection for years, from him and from myself. I had never admitted it to me and I had never allowed him to admit it out loud either. But the idea of running right now was a cowards move. I was scared as hell but I wouldn't run tonight.
"Gendry I am leaving tomorrow to go to India for a year, at least. I'm writing a travel book. I can't change all my plans just because you confess you love me. I know you love me. I love you too. You're my best friend. I can't think of what the next year will be like without talking to you and seeing you every day. But that's what is going to happen. I'm going to get on that plane at nine in the morning and fly away for a year. We can't start an affair now that its time for me to be leaving."
"I don't want an affair, Arya. I'm telling you I love you. I'm telling you I want to be with you. Make love to you, make my life with you. Arya I've known for years now that you were the one for me but I never pushed you. But now you are going to the other side of the world and I can't let you leave without telling you how I feel, or what I wish." He had released my hand and stood. He towered over me. So many emotions burned in his eyes as he looked at me. "If you don't want what I am offering you I'm just going to leave and pretend this never happened. You can go off to India and I'll go back to work tomorrow and that will be that."
He moved away from me and went to the door. My heart was pounding, my head was whirling, I didn't want him to leave now. I had finally allowed myself to love him out loud. I had said the words to the man and he hadn't even noticed.
"Don't go. Not like this. Didn't you hear me you ass? I said I loved you too." I tried to keep my voice sounding angry or annoyed to mask the terror I was feeling. He turned and looked at me.
"You love me?" He asked. I nodded. "But you still plan on going, don't you?" I nodded again. His shoulders slumped.
"I was always going to go," I said. I walked to him and took his hand from the door.
"But I wasn't going to tell you I loved you. I have loved you since the first week we met."
"I fell in love with you the first time I made you laugh." His voice got deeper and he pulled me closer to him by our joined hands.
"We seem to have been in love for a while then," I said with my chest pressed against his. "All these years."
"So many wasted years," he muttered. His lips hovered over mine. I swallowed hard.
He brushed his mouth over mine softly.
That quick touch, barely a whisper of his lips on mine, sent an electric shock wave through my entire body. I reached my free arm around his neck and pulled his head down so that our lips could touch again. At the contact, I sighed and he had pulled me closer. This kiss was long and deep. It went from slow and lazy to hungry. He lifted me up in his arms and carried me over to my bed. He placed me on it and we quickly threw my bags to the ground.
There was a flurry of our hands reaching for each other. Clothing fell from our bodies as we tried to undress the other at the same time. Every so often we paused to admire the other persons body. Every place he touched me turned to small fires. His hands made paths and drew maps that only he could see. I lay under his hands and let him explore my body. His smile was infectious and he made me laugh with the pure bliss he showed at having me.
Finally it was my turn to explore him. I flipped him onto his back and let my lips trail over his chest. I licked and nipped and kissed every inch of him I could get my hands on. The final barrier was removed from the both of us in swift succession and we were finally together in a way I had only dreamed of.
He entered me slowly, filling not just my body, but my heart and soul. I tried to memorize how his face looked as we moved together. How his arms felt under my hands, his back, his legs, how his skin glowed. I tried to force my skin to keep the feeling of his touch so that when I was not with him I would still have these phantom touches to keep me company. We moved and showed each other all the love we had inside of us. We made love the rest of the night and into the morning. We finally stopped, completely spent when the sun rose.
Gendry was asleep with his head on my naked chest. I was awake trying to burn the look on his face into my mind. My flight left in two hours. I slid out of the bed and allowed my eyes to take in the sight of him. I went to the bathroom and took a quick shower. I finished packing my bags and placed the simple note with four words on the bed next to him.
I'll Always Love You.
I grabbed up my bags and walked to my waiting cab and hadn't looked back.
That was four years ago. After India, I went to travel to every country in Europe. I spent a year in Alaska where I had adopted my dog. I was now getting back from a trip to Australia. I had not been home for so long. But my trip to Australia was the shortest I had taken. I was only there for two months. I just explored Sydney. I hated leaving my dog behind. I tried to only take on projects that I could take her on.
The song about past love and lost moments burned in me and I relived the last time I saw Gendry. He had tried to contact me in the past but gave up when I stopped responding. I looked him up not long ago and his firm had transfered to Chicago. He lived here. I looked at the clock and it was only nine at night. I took a chance and called the number I had for him. I held my breath while it rang.
"Arya?" He made my name a question. I wanted to cry hearing my name come from his lips again. "Arya, is it really you?"
"Hi. It's me." I swallowed the knot that had formed in my throat. "I'm back in the country. I'm in Chicago and I decided to give you a call."
There was a long pause on the other end. I could picture him standing somewhere with a look of shock and anger mixed on his face.
"Arya its been four years." His voice shook with controlled anger.
"I know it has been. I just couldn't," I wasn't able to finish the sentence.
"Couldn't what, face me after you left me asleep in your bed after you fucked me after I confessed that loved you?" His voice was growing angry and I didn't blame him.
"I was leaving, you knew that." It was a bad excuse and we both knew it.
"What do you want Arya? Why did you call?" He demands.
"I don't know why. I just wanted to hear your voice. It's my birthday and I am stuck in a hotel. I just wanted to hear your voice." I mumbled. I had started silently crying as soon as he had said my name. I let the tears pour down my face.
"So you wanted a booty call? You wanted another one night then you'd disappear from my life again, is that it?" He demanded.
"What! No. I didn't want that. I called to say I am sorry. I called to talk to you. I don't want anything else." I took a deep shaking breath and was getting ready to tell him the real reason I had called.
"I don't want to talk to you. You had four years to try and talk to me. Our lives are different now. Goodbye Arya." He hung up. The words I had wanted to say were burning in my mouth.
I threw the phone from me and a sob escaped my mouth instead of the words I had been about to say. I let myself cry then went in to the bathroom to wash my face. It was now ten at night. The bar was still opened downstairs. I made my way back down. No one was there but Dave.
"Hey there. It looks like you need a drink." He reached under the bar and got two glasses down. He poured us both a drink. I sat on the stool in front of him and shot down the whiskey he had given to me.
"Can you get me another on the rocks this time? I'm going to be here for a while I think." I told him as he put our glasses under the bar.
He got me my drink then walked away. All the best bartenders know when to leave you alone. I put in my headphones and played the most depressing songs I had. I let the tears I had held in for the last four years pour down my face silently. Every so often Dave would come and fill my glass up again. It was heading to midnight and I was on my third whiskey when Dave walked past me. He was talking to someone. My eyes went back to my glass. I watched the ice melt and mix with my whiskey.
There was a tap on my shoulder and I wheeled around. My breath caught and held in my chest. I blinked quickly thinking it was the alcohol playing tricks on me. Gendry stood there in front of me, snow glittering in his hair.
"What," I cleared my throat and tried to speak again. "What are you doing here?"
"I came to apologize. I was an ass on the phone." He kept his eyes locked on my face.
"How did you know which hotel I was at?" I was in shock. I had to be dreaming.
"I went to every hotel around the airport." He gave a half smile of his and my heart squeezed in my chest.
"Oh." I didn't know what to say.
"Yeah." He shifted his feet.
"I had one more thing I was going to the tell you when I called." I said into the strained silence.
"There was?" He said. He was watching my face, holding his breath and waited.
"I wanted to tell you I love you." I gave him a half smile. "After all this time, I still love you. There has only ever been you. Not before or since."
I watched the amazement bloom on his face. I watched as things clicked into place for him. He sat down next to me and I swiveled to be able to look at his face.
"I was your first?" He sounded shocked.
"My only." I corrected. I lifted my glass and took a sip. I set it on the bar again.
"Your note was right I guess." He said. He took my drink and finished it. Dave silently refilled the glass. Gendry nodded his thanks and drank the whole thing.
"I meant it. I love you." I gave a chuckle. We sat there for a long time.
Then we started talking. He told me about his job and his life in Chicago. I told him of my adventures. He said he read all my books and articles and told him I had followed his career with his firm. It was finally time for Dave to close the bar. We walked into the lobby. I didn't know what to do now.
"You can come up to my room and we can keep talking," I said.
"I should be getting home." He stood there looking at me deeply. I shifted. I wanted to reach out and hug him.
"Right. Well, I'm going back to Seattle as soon as the snow clears. I don't have any assignments planned. I can always come back for a longer visit." I offered.
"I'd like that." He took a step closer and I saw him make up his mind. His hand cupped my face. It was the first time we had touched in four years. I closed my eyes and leaned into him.
I don't know how long we stood like that. Then his arms were gathering me up and pressing me to him. I opened my eyes and his cheeks were glistening with tears. I reached up and wiped them away. I traced my fingertips over his lips and it was if a spell broke. Our lips found the others and we kissed like the first time.
When we broke apart breathless. We walked to the elevator and rode it to my floor then walked to my room in silence. I was shocked at how the night had turned out. I looked over at the man I had loved and he was here with me. I felt like I was finally home. I had no desire to run anywhere again.
Once we were in my room I wound my arms around his neck. I told him I felt home in his arms. He smiled and kissed me.
"Finally." He said. Then we went to bed.
A/N
It seems like it has been ages since i have put anything up. If you know my stories you know I have been inactive for a bit. I finally have time to make some changes and write things out to be uploaded. I've got a beta who is helping me edit my stories and once we are dome doing that I plan on doing a mass post of the older chapters then do new chapters. So if you are a faithful reader stay with me.
Thanks for the support guys.
Lottie xoxox