The Shrimp in the Hat

by redwalgrl-RG

[CRACKFIC] Edward Elric and other FMA cast members reinact the wonderful children's book The Cat in the Hat by Dr. Seuss. Insanity insues.

The Shrimp in the Hat

…Please, for your safety, don't ask. Edward and company cast in The Cat in the Hat. Why? To teach children about innuendos! No, I kid. But seriously. It's five thirty in the morning, I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing.

…RHYME. OHOHOHO.

So who's who? You'll have to read and find out!

That should do it. Italic quotes are the actual quotes from the book. Some may be altered, I apologize in advance. I own absolutely nothing, this idea was actually borrowed from another fic I saw on here a good year or so ago…

-+-

The lights click on, shining down on a small children's room filled with many toys, left quite a mess. Two figures walk onto the stage, the first Frank Archer, the second Roy Mustang. Both take seats in the two present kiddy chairs, Roy nearly falling off.

Archer clears his throat and pulls out a piece of paper, looking down at it incredulously. "Here goes nothing."

"The sun did not shineIt was too wet to play.So we sat in the houseAll that cold, cold, wet day."

Roy glanced out the window and made a face at the downpour. "As Riza would say, 'You're useless in the rain, sir!'"

"You're useless pretty much anywhere…"

"What!?""I sat there with Sally.We sat there, we two.And I said, 'How I wishWe had something to do!'"

"Wait, wait, you didn't just call me Sally."

"Well… You are rather feminine, Mustang. And it's either you or me playing the female role."

"But that's unfair! You always play the female role!"

"No I don't!!"

Roy grumbled something and crossed his arms, leaning back in the kiddy chair and once again almost falling out. He caught himself in time though, and mumbled under his breath, "I know some things we can do…"

"Roy," Archer hissed, elbowing him in the ribs and returning to the story."Too wet to go outAnd too cold to play ball.So we sat in the houseWe did nothing at all."

"Well, we could—"

Archer quickly shook his head with a retorted response of, "No. No we couldn't."

"Well, we could play ball in the house!"

"Why do I get the feeling that there are sexual connotations there?"

Roy just grinned.

"So all we could do was toSitSit!Sit!Sit!And we did not like it.Not one little bit."

Roy promptly fell out of the chair and grinned up at Archer. "Hah! I'm not sitting anymore. Take that nursery rhyme! Oh! You just got owned!"

Archer sighed and rested an elbow on his knee, chin on hand. "You're an idiot."

BUMP!

"What the hell was that!?"

"How the hell should I know?"

"You're the one narrating this damn thing!"

"And thensomething went BUMP!How that bump made us jump!"

Roy jumped back upright immediately holding his hands out in a snapping position as Archer slowly drew his gun. "Something's not right here, Lieutenant Colonel. We might just have to fight for our lives."

"In a children's book!?"

The Flame Alchemist just nodded, fingers tapping together against the thick fabric.

"We looked!Then we saw him step in on the mat!We looked!And we saw him!The Shrimp in the Hat!"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT HE CAN BE MISTAKEN FOR A MICROSCOPIC PIECE OF MATTER FOUND BENEATH THE OCEAN AT HIGH TIDE!?"

"Oh, it's just Edward." Roy relaxed, placing the hand on his hip instead. "Wait, what the hell are you doing here?"

"Why, I'm the Elric in the hat!"

Archer shook his head, gesturing to the paper. "No, no, it says 'Shrimp.'"

"WHO THE HELL WROTE THAT THING!? GIVE IT TO ME!" Edward charged but Archer yanked the paper away in time, leaving the Shrimp in the Hat to careen into the wall.

"And he said to us,"

Edward got up with a groan and mumbled, "Why do you sit there like that?""I know it is wetAnd the sun is not sunny.But we can haveLots of good fun that is funny!"

Both Archer and Roy just stared at him, wondering how the English language just got so butchered that it could still be a children's book. "How… You know, I don't think I want to know." Archer sighed, moving a little bit and finally standing up. Much more comfortable.

"Funny." Roy restated, shaking his head. "Edward, you've sunk to a new low."

"Oh shut up, pony-boy!" Edward snapped, glaring, already getting ready to transmute his automail into the usual blade.

"Where the hell did you get that from? Have you been hanging around with Kimbley!?"

"Maybe…"

He's more of a whore than I am, Archer thought to himself, then cleared his throat and tapped the paper. "Can we move on?"

Edward grumbled and crossed his arms, saying, "I know some good games we could play,"

"Said the shrimp." Archer interjected.

"I know some new tricks," Edward continued, glaring over at the older man.

"Said the Shrimp in the Hat."

"Knock it off!" Edward glowered and finally continued after a small silence, "A lot of good tricks.I will show them to you.Your motherWill not mind at all if I do."

"Mother?" Roy repeated, quirking an eyebrow. "Yeah, she won't mind at all, she's in Xing."

"Mine's dead." Archer added.

"Same here, but that doesn't really matter in a children's book, does it?" Edward shifted the red and white stripped had perched on his head and gestured for Archer to continue.

"Then Sally and IDid not know what to say.Our mother was out of the houseFor the day."

"My name's not Sally!"

"Yes, yes, we know that, Roy."

Edward just snickered. "Why aren't you wearing a dress then?"

"You, shut up." Roy held up a hand to snap again.

But before he could, Archer continued, "But our fish said,"

"Fish?" Roy interrupted. "We don't have a fish, Frankie. We had a cat, until you shot it."

Edward took a few steps away and idly pawed at the hat, hoping that Archer wouldn't remember what this children's book was originally titled.

"Well, yes, I did, but we apparently now have a fi—"

Suddenly, out from the fishbowl popped Alex Louis Armstrong, pink sparkles and all. "Friends, I have been cast as the role of the fish!"

"Oh god,"

Armstrong chuckled jovially and picked up easily, "No! No!Make that boy go away!Tell that Shrimp in the HatYou do NOT want to play.He should not be hereHe should not be about.He should not be hereWhen your mother is out!"

"We don't have a mother. Frankie and I are—"

"No need to tell anyone that," Archer clasped a hand over Roy's mouth with a tight, forced grin. "Let's just continue, shall we?"

Edward grumbled something about not being a shrimp and nodded, while Armstrong struck a pose that apparently meant yes.

"Now! Now! Have no fear.Have no fear!"

"Said the shrimp" Archer interrupted Edward yet again.

"My tricks are not bad,"

"Said the Shrimp in the Hat."

"Call me that again, and I swear I'll kick your pale ass back to the planet it came from!" Edward growled. "Why, we can haveLots of good fun, if you wishwith a game that I callUP-UP-UP with a… freak!

The two stared at the script for a long moment before Armstrong dramatically pretended to be lifted by Edward, ignoring the snorts and giggles coming from Roy's general direction. "Put me down!"

"Said the freak"

"This is no fun at all!Put me down!"

"Said the freak"

"I do NOT wish to fall!" Armstrong of course sounded far to happy proclaiming these lines, as the other three stared on, sweat dropping.Edward, taking cue to his role, struck a rather heroic pose and proclaimed, "Have no fear!"

"Said the shrimp"

"I'm warning you," Edward threatened. "I will not let you fall.I will hold you up highAs I stand on a ball.With a book on one hand!And a cup on my hat!But that is not ALL I can do!"

"Said the shrimp"

"Why do I get the feeling that's supposed to be taken sexually?" Roy asked to no one in particular.

"Please, don't…" Archer sighed, and rubbed at his forehead. This was not going the way it was planned. Not at all.

"Look at me!Look at me now!" Edward claimed, balancing on a toy ball and balancing a cup on his hat, as well as a book. "Say anything else about this and you die."

"Said the shrimp"

"With a cup and a cakeOn the top of my hat!I can hold up TWO books!I can hold up the freakAnd a little toy ship!And some milk on a dish!And look!I can hop up and down on the ball!But that is not all!Oh, no.That is not all..."

"How the hell are you balancing all that?" Roy asked needlessly. "You're going to fall over."

"Now, now, Colonel Mustang! Do not spoil it for the little children watching this!"

"…Children are…" Archer turned as if to look out at the audience and winced. "Oh shit." A short pause. "I mean… Ugh.""Look at me!Look at me!Look at me NOW!It is fun to have funBut you have to know how.I can hold up the cupAnd the milk and the cake!I can hold up these books!And the freak on a rake!I can hold the toy shipAnd a little toy man!And look! With my tailI can hold a red fan!I can fan with the fanAs I hop on the ball!But that is not all.Oh, no.That is not all..."

"Okay, Ed. Put all that stuff down and get off the ball." Mustang stated, eyes wide. At least he wasn't really carrying Armstrong.

"It's a part of the book, I don't think he'll listen."

"I'd love to listen!" Edward called, staggering a little under the weight of all of that. "But I've been promised the Philosopher's Stone as a reward if I do this!"

"What!?"

Well, at least it's not Kimbley. Archer thought with a sigh, and then continued, "That is what the shrimp said...Then he fell on his head!He came down with a bumpFrom up there on the ball.And Sally and IWe saw ALL the things fall!"

Edward let out a feminine screech and fell to the floor, everything falling all over and around him with a loud crash.

"Hope that didn't wake the neighbors," Roy mumbled. "And stop calling me Sally!"

"And our freak came down, too.He fell into a pot!He said,"

All stared over expectantly at Armstrong, until the man finally sat on top of a pot, as if that would really work.

"This is such a stupid waste of time…"

"Shut up, Roy." Edward struggled out from underneath all the stuff. "Just shut up."

"Do I like this?"Oh, no! I do not.This is not a good game,"

"Said our freak as he lit."Archer paused and stared at that line. "Wait, lit?"

Roy shrugged. "Maybe you can't read Scheska's writing. Or maybe she wrote it down wrong."

"No, no, she's pretty good about things like this."

"How would you know!? Are you cheating on me!?"

"Roy—!" Too late. Archer mentally winced and gestured for Armstrong to continue.

"No, I do not like itNot one little bit!" He took a deep breath and then continued, "The Armstrong line has never had a gay child, it is most certainly frowned upon by society, but you two are my dear friends and I shall overlook your gayness for one another so long as you agree that you shall never be gay for these amazing muscles!" And with that, he struck a pose.

"Yeah, that's an easy promise." Roy sweat dropped."Now look what you did!"

"Said the freak to the shrimp"

"Now look at this house!Look at this! Look at that!You sank our toy shipSank it deep in the cakeYou shook up our houseAnd you bent our new rakeYou SHOULD NOT be hereWhen our mother is not.You get out of this house!"

"Said the freak in the pot."

"This is one f—ked up story." Roy nodded to himself as Archer glared at him. Apparently the fact that this was a children's story still hadn't hit Roy.

"Can we be done with this yet?" Edward asked, shoving the books off him and getting up, dusting himself off. "Please?"

"No, it's your line." Archer gestured to the paper.

"But I like to be hereOh, I like it a lot!"

"Said the Shrimp in the HatTo the freak in the pot."

"I will NOT go away.I do NOT wish to go!And so,"

"Said the Shrimp in the Hat,"

"Sososo...I will show youAnother good game that I know!"

"Oh no, not again,"

"Said the sister named—"

"Alright, enough, Archer."

"Couldn't resist." Archer smirked lightly.

Edward finally whined, "Why is it that I have to repeat myself and abandon the English language for rhyme?"

No one answered, so finally Archer started narrating again, "And then he ran out.And, then, fast as a foxThe Shrimp in the HatCame back in with a box.A big red wood box.It was shut with a hook."

"Why do I get the feeling something really bad is in that box?" Roy asked.

"Well, it can't be Kimbley, it would have been blown up by now." Archer responded with a sigh. "Edward, if you please,"

"Now look at this trick,"

"Said the shrimp"

"Take a look!"

Roy groaned and looked at Edward, watching him attempting to get on top of the box. "Are you some sort of attention whore or something? I mean seriously, you've been asking for us to look at you like the entire time."

"Shut up, at least I'm not a stupid Colonel!"

"Well at least I'm not a stupid bean!"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT YOU CAN'T SEE HIM BECAUSE HE MANAGES TO GET LOST BETWEEN THE FIBERS OF THE PAPERS YOU NEVER COMPLETE!"

"He has a point…" Archer shook his head and continued before either of the two could kill each other, "Then he got up on topWith a tip of his hat."

"Nngh… dammit! I can't get up! Someone give me a hand!"

"An Armstrong will always be there to help a child when in need!" Armstrong proclaimed loudly and launched Edward into the air, a good five feet above the box, causing the boy to fall down and nearly splatter on it.

"I call this game FUN-IN-A-BOX," Edward panted.

"Said the shrimp" Archer promptly added.

"In this box are two thingsI will show to you now.You will like these two things,"

"Said the shrimp with a bow."

The box moved and lurched rather violently under Edward, who had to cling to the box to keep from falling off. "Yeah, yeah, they're great things alright, just let them out so they don't eat me or something!"

Roy started to back away, holding up his hands in peace. "Now, now, FullMetal, I know we've been at odds with each other before, but there's really no need to unleash something wild and rabid on me…"

"I wonder if it's Tucker," Archer murmured aloud, not having moved at all."I will pick up the hook.You will see something new.Two things. And I call themThing One and Thing Two.These Things will not bite you.They want to have fun."

"That sounds so wrong."

"Everything sounds wrong to you, Mustang!" Edward retorted.

"Then, out of the boxCame Thing Two and Thing One!And they ran to us fast.They said,"

"How do you do?Would you like to shake handsWith Thing One and Thing Two?"

The group just stared, watching as Winry and Scheska popped out of the box and ran over to Archer and Roy, squealing the proclaimed lines. "Edward! How dare you keep me in a box! I'm gonna cut your head off!" Winry yelled over toward the shorter blonde, already wielding her wrench.

"Now, now, Winry! Calm down! I'm not—wait, which head?"

"Edward!"

The FullMetal Alchemist shrugged, "Go on."

"And Sally and IDid not know what to do.So we had to shake handsWith Thing One and Thing Two.We shook their two hands.But our freak said,"

"No! No!Those Things should not beIn this house! Make them go!They should not be hereWhen your mother is not!Put them out! Put them out!" Armstrong stated, posing all the while and earning weird looks from Scheska and Winry.

"Said the freak in the pot." Archer finally added in the annoying monotone he'd been using the entire time.

"He doesn't seem to understand that you keep calling him a freak," Roy noticed out loud, earning that usual empty stare from Archer. "What? I can't help it that I'm a little slow!"

"A little?" Edward scoffed. "Why, you're about as slow as—"

"Ed is short?" Winry supplied with a devious grin.

"Why yes as—hey wait a minute!!"

"Edward," Archer sighed, "please carry on."

"Have no fear, little freak

"Said the Shrimp in the Hat."

"These Things are good Things."

"And he gave them a pat."

Edward reached over and patted Winry and Scheska on the head, the latter wincing and the former growling, "You're dead, you little shrimp!"

"And I'm not a thing!" Scheska finally added. "I'm a person!"

"Oh really?" Roy countered, with that usual arrogant smirk.

"Yes, really." Archer responded with a sigh. "Can we please move on?" At this rate, it was going to be a monotonous thing to read a child, and what good was a children's story that children couldn't read?

"They are tame Oh, so tame!They have come here to play.They will give you some funOn this wet, wet, wet day." Edward finally groaned, dodging a swing from Winry's wrench. "Hey, hey, relax! This isn't my doing! Blame the scriptwriter!"

"Shut up, Ed, before I clobber you!"

"Someone's having PMS…"

"Roy, don't say things like that aloud." Archer reprimanded, blanching as the mechanic glared over at them."Now, here is a game that they like,"

"Said the shrimp"

"They like to fly kites,"

"Said the Shrimp in the Hat."

"Will you ever stop that!?" Edward caught the wrench on the automail arm, glaring back at Archer. "I'm not, I repeat not, short!!"

Roy chuckled and glanced over at Armstrong, who continued, "No! Not in the house!"

"Said the freak in the pot."

"They should not fly kitesIn a house! They should not.Oh, the things they will bump!Oh, the things they will hit!Oh, I do not like it!Not one little bit!"

"How are we supposed to fly kites in the house?" Scheska asked, straightening her glasses and looking a little bemused by the whole situation. "I don't think I really get it."

"You wouldn't." Winry snorted. "Come on, let's go find something to use as a kite!"

"Then Sally and ISaw them run down the hall.We saw those two ThingsBump their kites on the wall!Bump! Thump! Thump! Bump!Down the wall in the hall."

"Frank, have you forgotten my name!?" Roy asked, terrified. "Please, please tell me, tell me you know my name! You scream it every night during sex anyway, but how could you forget so quickly!"

"Roy," Archer ground his teeth together, trying to melt the anger away, "I haven't forgotten your name. This is a part of the book."

"Oh. Carry on then!"

Archer really wanted to slam his head against a hard object right then, but continued valiantly, "Thing Two and Thing One!They ran up! They ran down!On the string of one kiteWe saw Mother's new gown!Her gown with the dotsThat are pink, white and red.Then we saw one kite bumpOn the head of her bed!"

"Damn, that's one ugly dress."

"Oh shut up, FullMetal. I'm sure our 'mother' has great taste in the lingerie department."

"Do not want," Archer grumbled more to himself than to the other two. "Shut up, we'll get done faster." He took a deep breath and continued, "Then those Things ran aboutWith big bumps, jumps and kicksAnd with hops and big thumpsAnd all kinds of bad tricks.And I said'I do NOT like the way that they playIf Mother could see this,Oh, what would she say!'"

"Well, she's not real, so she probably wouldn't say much."

"Shut up, Roy. Just shut up."

Edward grumbled and shifted on the box a little, glancing over at Armstrong, who was still sitting on the pot, and then back to where Winry and Scheska were causing chaos. "Can we just finish this already?"

"Then our freak said,"

"Look! Look!"

"And our freak shook with fear."

Armstrong paused to fake shake, which looked completely unrealistic. "Your mother is on her way home!Do you hear?Oh, what will she do to us?What will she say?Oh, she will not like itTo find us this way!"

Roy looked over at him incredulously. "Well, duh she won't like it. She'll blame us for the mess. And when we tell her it was a shrimp and two things I don't think she'll believe it."

"And besides, we don't have a mother." Archer sighed.

"So, DO something! Fast!"

"Said the freak"

"Do you hear!I saw her. Your mother!Your mother is near!So, as fast as you canThink of something to do!You will have to get rid ofThing One and Thing Two!"

"Get rid of!?" Winry shrieked from one of the back rooms. "How dare you! I'll kill you first!"

"She's really annoying," Archer stated to himself, glancing over at the others. "Let's hurry up and finish this up."

"I'm interested who our 'mother' is. We have Armstrong as a fish, Winry and Scheska as things, and shrimp as… well, aptly, a shrimp."

"Shut up, Colonel!"

"So, as fast as I couldI went after my net.And I said, 'With my netI can get them I bet.I bet, with my netI can get those Things yet!'" Archer stared at the script and groaned. "Oh you have got to be kidding me. I'm not about to chase after them with a net!"

"It's in the script, Frankie-babe, do it!"

"I really hate life," Archer grumbled and located a rather old, barnacle-encrusted fishing net hidden in the back corner of the room. "Ew," With that, he tossed it over the two girls and continued, "Then I let down my net.It came down with a PLOP!And I had them! At last!Those two Things had to stop.Then I said to the shrimp'Now you do as I say.You pack up those ThingsAnd you take them away!'"

"Yay!" Roy cheered happily, punching his fists in the air. "It's almost over!"

"You make it sound like it was torture, good friend! Surely putting on a show for young children is not a torturous act!" Armstrong said with a smile.

Roy glanced over at Archer and mumbled in an undertone, "Well, Frankie is a sadist and he likes to put me through some weird shit…"

"Oh dear!"

"Said the shrimp,"

"You did not like our gameOh dear.What a shame!What a shame!What a shame!" Edward whined, and then again for even more emphasis, "What a shaaaaame!"

"Shut up, Ed! And get me out of here!" Winry struggled underneath the net, bumping into Scheska, who didn't do much at all to help."Then he shut up the ThingsIn the box with the hook.And the shrimp went awayWith a sad kind of look."

"Aww, you know you love me, FullMetal!"

"I hate you, Mustang!" And with that, Edward somehow or other dragged the red box out the door, making a fake 'sad look' as he left.

"That is good,"

"Said the freak"

"He has gone away. Yes.But your mother will comeShe will find this big mess!And this mess is so bigAnd so deep and so tallWe ca not pick it up.There is no way at all!"

"How can a mess be deep and tall?" Roy asked to the other two, unsure if he wanted a real answer or not.

"It's for the rhyme, Roy." Archer sighed. "Look, we're almost done. Let's hurry through the last part and get this over with." With that, he added, "And THEN!Who was back in the house?Why, the shrimp"

"Have no fear of this mess,"

"Said the Shrimp in the Hat."

"After this is over, you're so dead." Edward ran a finger across his throat in explanation. "I always pick up all my playthingsAnd so...I will show you anotherGood trick that I know!"

"Your tricks are always dirty, Edward!" Roy groaned. "Remember that one time…?"

"You've been cheating on me with FullMetal?" Archer asked, looking dangerously close to firing his gun at Roy.

"No, no! Not at all! Eheh. Carry on!" Roy urged, hoping to calm down Archer's insane wrath.

"Then we saw him pick upAll the things that were down.He picked up the cake,And the rake, and the gown,And the milk, and the strings,And the books, and the dish,And the fan, and the cup,And the ship, and the freak" Archer noticed he lost the rhyme, but didn't bother to correct it, instead continuing, "And he put them away.Then he said,"

"That is that."

"And then he was goneWith a tip of his hat."

"Tah tah!" Edward grinned and tilted his hat, happier than ever to get out of something. "Now where's my Philosopher's Stone!?" He could be heard demanding in the background.

"Then our mother came in," Archer continued with a sigh, "And she said to us two,"

"Did you have any fun?Tell me What did you do?"

"Wait, mother?" Archer and Roy glanced up at the same time as Riza Hawkeye walked in, gun trained on both their heads. "Um. Awkward."

"Yeah, really," Roy stated, eyes wide as the saucers the Shrimp in the Hat had picked up not long ago.

"And Sally and I did not knowWhat to say.Should we tell herThe things that went on there that day?"

Roy snorted at that. "Yeah, hey mom, a Shrimp in a hat came over and our freak started talking to us, and there were these things in a box and…"

Warning shots were fired at Roy's head and he instantly shut up, staring terrified at Riza. "Be quiet, both of you. Let's end this."Archer didn't hesitate. "Should we tell her about it?Now, what SHOULD we do?Well...What would YOU doIf your mother asked YOU?"

"Not tell her the truth, obviously." Roy snorted, and then Riza fired a warning shot at his head. Luckily the Colonel ducked in time.

"Alright boys, cut and paste, that's a wrap!" Riza smiled happily and walked off, leaving Archer, Roy, and Armstrong alone and in silence.

"Well… that was… possibly the strangest thing I've ever done." Said the pale Lieutenant Colonel, sweatdropping.