Someone gambled away the disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters. This is just more madness from my tiny little mind. And it imagined…
Poker Night At The Figgis Agency
"Read 'em and weep bitches!" Ray whooped as he lay down the cards on the table in the conference room. "Royal flush!"
"God damn it!" Pam groaned as she threw down her cards. "Not again!"
In the conference room was Ray, Cyril, Pam, Archer, Krieger and Cheryl. They were playing poker and the table was laden with alcohol bottles, chips, dips, and cigars in ashtrays.
"Hot-Lanta here I come!" Ray sang as he took the pot. He was wearing his blue dealer's shirt with green dealer's cap. "Right back where I started from!"
"If you do go back I swear to god I hope you do get hate crimed!" Cheryl grumbled. The others gave her harsh looks.
"Seriously bitch?" Ray snapped.
"Can't take her anywhere," Pam groaned.
"Inappropes," Krieger remarked.
"Oh for the love of…" Archer gave Cheryl a look. "Even I think that's too much!"
"And that is an extremely high bar to pass," Ray admitted.
"Please!" Cyril whined. "One night without a hate crime! Is that too much to ask?"
"Well it's his own fault for winning everything," Cheryl grumbled.
"I'd say he was cheating but that's impossible," Krieger remarked. "Since Archer is the one who's dealing. And I'm the one who marked the cards but forgot to bring my special glasses that can see them. And Ray doesn't have bionic eyes so…"
"Wait you were planning to cheat us you Nazi Nuts-en-berg?" Pam snapped.
"I forgot to bring the glasses so I could cheat!" Krieger said. "So technically…"
"Damn it Ray! How are you so good at this game?" Archer shouted as he dealt another hand to the gang. "Is this a cyborg thing?"
"No, it's just skill plain and simple!" Ray said. "Plus the fact that Cheryl thinks we're playing a different game doesn't hurt."
"Wait, we're not playing Go Fish?" Cheryl asked. "By the way I need either a two, another king, a seven, and either a queen or a nine."
"I see your point," Archer remarked.
"And Krieger kind of has an obvious tell," Ray pointed out.
"That's true," Pam admitted.
"I do not!" Krieger shouted.
"Krieger," Pam gave him a look. "Every time you have a good hand you have an erection!"
"How can you see that?" Krieger shouted. He was wearing nothing but his underwear.
"Moving on," Ray sighed. "Cyril is well…Cyril."
"I'm not that bad a poker player!" Cyril protested.
"Cyril you mixed up a pair of kings with a straight flush," Ray groaned. "Pam keeps folding like an origami artist…"
"That's because my hand is always so bad it might as well be a foot!" Pam snapped. "Seriously we need someone else be the dealer besides Archer…"
"Hey!" Archer barked.
"Seriously," Pam sighed. "Even Cyril gives better cards than this."
"Hey!" Archer and Cyril barked.
"And Archer you're more distracted than usual," Ray added.
"Not to mention you're worse at cards than I am," Cyril added.
"Oh yeah," Cheryl agreed.
"That's true," Krieger nodded.
"Definitely," Pam agreed.
"I'm not worse than Cyril!" Archer snapped. He put his cards down face up. "As you can see my hand is…Damn it."
"I'm folding," Pam groaned as she put her cards away.
"Ooh I need that card!" Cheryl grabbed a card. "Go fish!"
"Ooh I can beat that!" Cyril grinned. "Now what makes a straight flush again?"
"This," Ray put his cards down.
"AGGGH! Damn it! Ugh! Go fish!" The gang groaned.
"Is it possible to do a mulligan while playing poker?" Archer groaned.
"Okay Archer what gives?" Pam asked. "Your head has been in your ass all night. Even more than usual. So spill."
"Lana's still pissed at me," Archer groaned.
"Well maybe you should clear your browser history at work more often?" Ray suggested.
"You got caught googling Veronica Deane again?" Cyril shouted.
"Oh god no!" Pam groaned. "No, no, no!"
"UGGGHHH!" Cheryl made a noise of disgust.
"Seriously?" Krieger gave Archer a look. "Have you learned nothing from last time?"
"Well I learned that Lana can be really quiet on her feet when she wants to be," Archer groaned. "Snuck up right behind me before I had a chance to clear the screen."
"It was August Beach again wasn't it?" Ray groaned. "Or was it Shanghai Moon?"
"No, it was a different one," Archer said. "Darkness Arises On Biscayne Bay."
"I don't remember that one," Cyril blinked.
"It was one of her earlier films," Archer said. "One of those teen movies. You know? Boy meets girl. Boy witnesses his girl's father murder someone. Boy and girl run off away from the murderous father and police to a mysterious island. Boy and girl stumble upon a mad scientist's laboratory. Boy and girl fight for their lives. Girl's father shows up to try and kill boy but one of the mad scientist's creations kills him. Boy and girl kiss just as the cops show up."
"Oh the same old, same old," Krieger nodded. "Wait I remember that movie. What role did Veronica Deane play?"
"She played the mad scientist's daughter who made a play for the male lead," Archer said. "Then it turns out she was one of the scientist's creations and kills the guy trying to kill the male lead. But she gets killed too and then turns back into a cat at the very end."
"Interesting," Pam thought. "On the one hand she dies saving the man she loves in a noble gesture. On the other she kills her rival's old man so that can be interpreted as revenge."
"Yeah the way it was shot it kind of made you think it was planned either way," Krieger said. "Hold on! Now I remember! She was the one wearing that really small really tight red bikini…"
"And that was the picture I was looking at when Lana caught me," Archer groaned.
"Man Archer," Cyril chuckled. "That was pretty stupid. You weren't even trying to be subtle were you?"
"Well I didn't have time to find a French whore I could stick myself balls deep into when Lana came out of the elevator," Archer gave Cyril a look.
"Burn!" Ray snorted.
Pam laughed. "But seriously Archer, Stroker Ace over here has a point. What the hell is the game plan here with Veronica Deane? You're with Lana now, remember?"
"I know," Archer said.
"And you specifically promised Lana things would be different this time," Ray said. "As in not cheating on her!"
"I know," Archer sighed.
"You're just falling back into your old patterns," Krieger added. "Like one of my lab rats on LSD."
"I know! I know already!" Archer barked. "But guys…I need to say something. First of all, if you tell either Lana or my mother this I will literally…Wait…No…Yes. Literally kill all of you and feed your corpses to whatever large animal is available at the city zoo. Wherever that is."
"Fine you big baby," Pam rolled her eyes. "We won't say anything. Spill it."
"Okay," Archer took a deep breath. "I love Lana. I do. But…I think I have real feelings for Veronica Deane."
Everyone was silent for a moment. Then they all laughed.
"I'm serious!" Archer barked.
"That's what makes it so funny!" Cheryl laughed.
"I really do have feelings for Veronica Deane!" Archer protested.
"Yeah, they're called erections!" Krieger snorted. "No, wait I had something better for this…"
"Guys I've never felt like this before!" Archer said.
"Oh yes you have!" Ray snapped. "You've felt this way with all of them! Practically with every woman you have ever met!"
"Not like this!" Archer said. "This is different! For one thing we haven't had sex yet!"
"That sounds pretty much like par for the course here," Cyril groaned.
"Yeah you're just waiting until after you do the dirty to come crashing back to Earth," Pam agreed. "Just like you did with me. All those times. And then you ran off with Katya. Ms. R2-Double-D2!"
"Who dumped you for Barry," Cyril said. "And then there was La Madrina, the Godmother in Columbia."
"Who turned out to be an undercover police officer who arrested us for smuggling cocaine into Columbia," Ray added. "And then you fell for Juliana."
"The wife of the dictator of San Marcos," Cyril said. "Until he divorced her and I deposed him. Then I married her."
"It wasn't legally consummated," Cheryl pointed out.
"Well neither was your marriage to Calderon!" Cyril pointed out.
"Oh that's right!" Cheryl realized. "Damn it! That's probably why I didn't get that insurance check for the palace that got blown up!"
"And that is only the tip of the iceberg known as your love life," Ray told Archer. "Which quite frankly is a bigger disaster than the Titanic."
"Excuse me?" Archer glared at Ray. "I have had an amazing love life!"
"Amazing in what way?" Ray asked. "Amazing that you've slept with more whores than the entire Naval Fleet? Or that you're still alive and haven't died by either a jealous lover or a venereal disease?"
"Remember Mexico?" Cyril added. "You nearly died for a woman who was using you to smuggle illegals across the border. And you didn't even get to sleep with her."
"You didn't sleep with Rona Thorne either," Ray added. "Even though you tried to jump her bones. And she turned out to me a Russian sleeper agent that poisoned you with fish toxin that had you and Lana in the hospital for days."
"Linda," Pam added. "The woman you married when you got amnesia. Then she had a mental breakdown when you dumped her on the street with her kids."
"She didn't try to kill me though," Archer corrected.
"She was too busy being dragged to the mental ward," Pam said. "She was crazy though. Which fits the pattern. As does Cinnamon."
"Who the hell is Cinnamon?" Ray asked. "I don't remember that one."
"You were on a mission or in the hospital or something," Pam waved. "She was this stripper that worked at Crammers. Great ass and tits. Long story short, Archer screwed her. Said he'd marry her but it turned out she was already married. Husband shows up fresh out of prison and beats the shit out of Archer."
"Technically he didn't beat the shit out of me," Archer snapped. "His five bodyguards did."
"He was in jail for insider trading," Pam explained. "Still had money so surprise! Cinnamon went back with him and left Archer lying on the floor."
"Technically it wasn't the five bodyguards that did me in," Archer admitted. "It was Cinnamon who hit me with a trophy from behind. Then the bodyguards were able to beat me up."
"Trophy?" Ray asked.
"She won a wet T-Shirt contest," Archer explained.
"And you lost the girl," Pam added.
"Oh yeah," Cyril remembered. "You were in traction for a week. A nice long peaceful week. Ahh. Good times. Lana and I had sex in your office. Twice."
"What?" Archer did a double take.
"Whomp, Whomp," Cyril quipped.
"Don't forget that week you were besotted with Valarie," Krieger added.
"Until she double crossed your ass in Portugal," Pam added. "Remember Crazy Andrea from work?"
"Yeah, that was a nightmare," Ray chuckled. "Fun to watch her burn your car though."
"That was a good fire!" Cheryl squealed. "I should give her a call."
"And Cindy the receptionist who you were sleeping with at the same time," Cyril added. "Who stole almost all the money from our agency's accounts as revenge when she got fired by your mother."
"Remember that French double agent about nine years back?" Ray asked. "What was her name? Raven? Ramona?"
"Angelique!" Archer snapped.
"That's the one," Ray said. "Why was I thinking Ramona or Raven?"
"Those were some of her aliases," Archer explained.
"You slept with her. She then double crossed you and left you naked and tied up upside down in that hotel room," Ray said. "If Lana and I hadn't gotten there in time she would have gotten away with that microfilm."
"What happened to her?" Pam asked.
"Slipped and fell off the roof and right onto a spire," Ray explained. "Looked like a human shish-kebob."
"And then you were hopelessly in love with me," Cheryl added.
"Uh, no I wasn't," Archer told her.
"Then when you dumped me I decided to secretly stalk you waiting for the perfect time to get my revenge," Cheryl added.
"Wait, what?" Archer did a double take.
"Nothing," Cheryl said innocently.
"The point is Archer," Ray sighed. "You have a pattern of falling for beautiful unstable women. And then they use you. And almost get you killed."
"Yeah I mean," Cyril pointed to Cheryl. "Hello!"
"Hello!" Cheryl said innocently.
"Veronica is not unstable," Archer waved. "And she won't get me killed."
"Not for lack of trying I'll bet," Cheryl groaned.
"This is not exactly new to us Archer," Pam said. "We've seen this before. Repeatedly."
"And you're making the same damn mistake you always make," Ray added. "Letting your dick do your thinking for you!"
"And as history has shown us," Krieger said. "It makes very bad decisions."
"Guys, it's different this time," Archer said. "There was a connection between us. But it wasn't physical. It's like she called out to me with her soul using her eyes."
"And you fell for that?" Pam snapped.
"Archer you do realize that she's an actress right?" Cyril said. "The woman makes her living getting people to fall in love with her from afar!"
"It's not like that!" Archer snapped. "Guys I've never felt like this with a woman before."
"Oh brother," Pam rolled her eyes. "How many times have we heard this line?"
"Look you all know me," Archer said. "I'm Sterling Archer! One of the world's greatest lovers."
"I've had better," Pam admitted.
"Me too," Cheryl added.
"Shut up!" Archer barked. "You know I can lay down any pickup line and get the women to come flocking to me! But with Veronica it's different. It's like I can truly be myself around her."
"An alcoholic horn dog who has the pathological need to hump every woman he meets?" Cyril asked icily.
Archer responded by punching Cyril in the face. "OW!" Cyril whined.
"HEY!" Pam snapped. "Don't knock him for telling it like it is!"
"I should have known better than to tell you idiots anything," Archer grumbled.
"Yeah, we're the idiots!" Cyril groaned, partially in pain.
"Yes, you are," Archer glared at him.
"Can we please change the subject to something else?" Ray groaned. "Anything else?"
"Oh! I know!" Cheryl spoke up. "We can talk about our TV show!"
"Carol for the last time," Archer groaned. "Our lives are not a TV show!"
"Not that TV show," Cheryl waved. "Our TV show! The one Pam and I are making! The spinoff of this show!"
"I thought you two tried this already?" Archer asked.
"No," Pam corrected. "We tried making a commercial for Tunt Flakes. There were script problems."
"Namely the script itself that was the problem," Cheryl added.
"It wasn't a script," Ray said. "It was just basically a rip off of something you saw on TV."
"That was the problem," Cheryl agreed. "Plus nobody wants to eat a cereal called Tunt Flakes. Can't imagine why."
"I can offer a few theories," Archer spoke up.
"It's basically a talk show," Pam said. "We're calling it Real Talk with Pam and Cheryl."
"I thought we were calling it Talk Real with Cheri and Pam?" Cheryl asked.
"Who's Cheri?" Archer asked. "Oh for crying out loud Carol! Not another name change!"
"Only for TV," Cheryl shrugged. "Cheri trends better with viewers."
"Cheri should get some better medication," Cyril groaned.
"YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?" Cheryl whipped out a tungsten knitting needle. "I'LL DO IT! YOU KNOW I WILL!"
"AAAHHH!" Cyril screamed as he ran for his life. Cheryl chased him around the room, knocking various things over.
"Ha ha ha!" Archer laughed. "God I love poker night!"
"YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?" Cheryl whirled on him. Before anyone knew it, Cheryl was on top of Archer.
"GOD DAMN IT!" Archer shouted as he fought to keep her from stabbing him.
"Oh for crying out…" Pam groaned. "Ray!"
"Got her!" Ray helped Pam pull off Cheryl and subdue her. "Don't even think about stabbing me again!"
"You're no fun!" Cheryl pouted as she was disarmed.
"God Damn it Cheryl!" Ray snapped. "Where the hell do you get those things?"
"I don't know…" Cheryl blinked.
"Well this is out of your…" Ray grabbed the knitting needle with his bionic hand and absently threw it.
THUNK!
"Hand…" Ray did a double take. The knitting needle went right through the wall, leaving a tiny hole.
"Damn Ray," Pam whistled. "You don't know your own strength."
"Oops," Ray winced. "Sorry…"
"We can just put some artwork over it," Archer waved. "And damn it Carol!"
"Sit down and behave yourself!" Pam shoved Cheryl back into her chair.
"YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!" Cheryl snapped.
"But I am!" Cyril shouted as he went back to his seat. "So zip it!"
"Wait…" Cheryl did a double take. "Since when are you in charge?"
"WHEN I PUT MY NAME ON THE GOD DAMN WALL!" Cyril shouted. "THAT'S WHEN!"
"Isn't that vandalism?" Cheryl asked.
"I swear to God…" Cyril groaned. "One of these days…"
"Well it's not today so shut up and sit down," Ray told him.
"Meanie!" Cheryl stuck out her tongue.
"Some agency you're running, huh Cyril?" Archer laughed.
"Considering the state of our agency it might not be the worst idea to consider a change of careers," Cyril groaned. "I guess I could always go back to accounting or being a lawyer."
"Which you suck at," Archer snorted.
"At least I have a degree!" Cyril snapped. "Several actually! Unlike you!"
"I have degrees!" Archer snapped. "I'm a certified doula."
"You sucked at being a doula!" Pam snapped. "You couldn't even look at Lana while she was giving birth! Newsflash Archer, as a doula you have to look at vaginas."
"But not exploding ones!" Archer protested.
"Yes you do," Pam snapped. "That's in the job description."
"So I guess anything in the medical profession is out for you Archer," Krieger said. "Unless of course it's as a test subject."
"I could be a professional lacrosse coach," Archer said.
"That can't be a thing," Cyril said.
"It is too Cyril!" Archer snapped. "All I need are a few references and highlights of my games…Oh right."
"Something tells me that particular career path might not work for you," Ray remarked.
"Lacrosse coaches probably don't get paid a lot either," Cheryl added.
"Damn it!" Archer snapped. "They don't!"
"You could always do what Trinette did and make a fortune being an escort," Pam suggested. "That seems to be a job that would suit your skill set."
"I am not going to be a prostitute!" Archer snapped. "That's so beneath me!"
"Are you kidding me?" Pam laughed along with everyone else at the table.
"What's so funny?" Archer snapped.
"Archer come on!" Cyril laughed. "Come on!"
"What?" Archer snapped. "What?"
"Archer…" Ray snorted. "Remember all those honeypot missions we used to do?"
"Yeah," Archer said. "So what?"
"You were a prostitute," Ray said. "Technically so were all the field agents in our old agency. Including me. And sometimes Lana."
"No I wasn't!" Archer snapped. "I was a field agent! Not an escort! There's a difference!"
"Explain," Ray folded his arms.
"The honeypot missions were assignments," Archer pointed out.
"To seduce and have sex with the clients," Ray said.
"Exactly," Archer nodded.
"And get paid for it," Ray added.
"Damn right!" Archer said. "Once I got enough money to get my entire kitchen retiled and…And…Oh my god. I was a prostitute!"
"Took you this long to figure out you're a man whore?" Cheryl scoffed. "Seriously?"
"Shut up!" Archer barked at her.
"MAKE ME!" Cheryl pulled out a gun.
"How did you get my gun?" Archer shouted.
"Don't know, don't care," Cheryl waved it around and fired a shot that barely missed Archer's head.
"AAAAAAAHHH! DUKE! DUCK! DAMN IT!" The others ducked and zig zagged out of the conference room.
"I thought you put your guns in the timer vault!" Cyril shouted.
"I did!" Ray snapped. "Archer…"
"I forgot!" Archer barked.
"WHAT?" Pam shouted.
BANG!
SHATTER!
"There goes one of Mother's Stubends," Archer remarked as he and Ray hid behind a desk.
"ARCHER!" Ray shouted.
"I SAID I FORGOT!" Archer shouted back.
"Just once I'd like to have a poker night without some kind of gunfire incident!" Cyril shouted as he and Krieger hid behind the couch. "Is that too much to ask?"
BANG!
SMASH!
"Well I never liked that particular mug anyway," Archer said.
"That was my mug!" Cyril shouted.
"Yeah, so?" Archer asked.
BANG!
SHATTER!
"NOOOO!" Archer shouted. "NOT THAT BOTTLE OF GLENGOOLIE BLUE! YOU MANIAC! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!"
"Oh that is going to be a bitch to get out of the carpet," Ray remarked.
"Not as much as blood stains!" Archer snapped. "And I mean Carol's!"
"Damn it Cheryl!" Pam called out from behind another desk. "What the hell is wrong with you? Besides the usual I mean?"
"I HAVEN'T SET A DECENT FIRE IN WEEKS!" Cheryl screamed. "AND I CAN'T FEEL THE BURN!"
"What the hell are you talking about?" Pam snapped. "We burned your dead cousin's house weeks ago!"
"WHAT?" Cyril shouted.
"Don't worry about it," Pam told him.
"Kind of think I should!" Cyril shouted. He yelped in terror as Cheryl shot another bullet at him. "AAAHH!"
It missed him. "Well we definitely need some new artwork," Archer remarked as the bullet hit a picture on the wall.
"I'm going to burn something damn it!" Cheryl snapped. She went back into the conference room.
"Oh great!" Cyril groaned. "Cheryl is going to set the building on fire!"
"I hate it when she's in one of her moods," Pam groaned.
"Archer do something!" Krieger shouted.
"Ray do something!" Archer shouted.
"It's your gun damn it!" Ray snapped. "You do it!"
"You have the bionics!" Archer snapped. "You do it!"
"She's already stabbed me once!" Ray snapped. "I am not going to do it!"
"Well she's shot me at least once!" Archer snapped. "I think…YOU DO IT!"
"You do it!" Ray snapped.
"You do it!" Archer shouted.
"Somebody do it!" Cyril shouted.
"Don't look at me!" Krieger snapped. "I can't do it!"
"Archer it's your gun! You do it!" Ray snapped.
"I'll do it!" Pam shouted. "Hey Burning Woman! There's already a fire out here!"
"She's not going to fall for…" Cyril hissed.
"There's another fire!" Cheryl ran out excited. "Where? Where?"
"Down the hallway there," Pam pointed. "In Ms. Archer's office."
"Let me see!" She turned her back to them. "Where? Where…?"
Pam took the opportunity to grab a chair and whack Cheryl on the back of her head. "Thank…You…" She moaned before passing out.
"You're welcome!" Pam snapped at the men. "Dickless Nuts!"
"Good work Pam!" Archer said as he retrieved his gun. "Tie Carol up until all the crazy is out of her system."
"That could take years," Pam remarked as she picked Cheryl up.
"I'll get some rope from my lab," Krieger said as he went out of the room.
"Do you smell something burning?" Cyril looked around as he and the others stood up.
"Uh oh!" Ray gulped. He used his super speed to grab the nearest fire extinguisher and ran into the conference room. "Damn it Cheryl!"
"It's not just that," Cyril took a sniff. "It smells like…"
Then Milton rolled by as fast as it could, shooting constant streams of toast all over the place. "Oh that's why…" Cyril remarked.
"Milton calm down!" Archer said as the toaster rolled around shooting toast all over the place. "Calm down buddy! The shooting's over!"
THUNK! THUNK! THUNK! THUNK!
"Milton! Cut it out!" Archer tried to stop Milton.
THUNK!
"OW!" Archer held his nose. "God damn it Milton."
"Damn that's funny!" Pam laughed as Milton sped away.
"It is," Cyril snickered.
"No it's not!" Archer held his nose. "Damn it! I'm bleeding!"
"The Great Sterling Archer taken down by a toaster," Cyril laughed.
"What happened?" Ray walked out with the fire extinguisher.
"Archer got hit in the schnozz by a piece of toast!" Pam laughed.
"Seriously?" Ray snickered.
"It's not funny!" Archer snapped.
"What's not funny?" Krieger asked as he walked back in with the rope. He was wearing his lab coat over his underwear. "And why is there toast everywhere?"
Milton rolled by Krieger spewing out more toast. "Okay now that makes sense…" Krieger remarked.
"Milton hit Archer in the nose with toast!" Cyril snickered.
"It's not funny!" Archer shouted holding his nose.
"Well neither was punching me in the face!" Cyril snapped. "Ow…My face is still sore."
"Or breaking my nose that time with the damn submarine," Ray gave Archer a look.
"I said I was sorry!" Archer snapped.
"No, you didn't!" Cyril and Ray snapped at the same time.
"Hang on!" Pam finished tying up Cheryl and dumped her on the couch. "I'll get something from my purse." She went back into the conference room.
"Uhggghhh…" Cheryl started to stir.
"Krieger…" Archer said still holding his nose.
"Got it," Krieger opened his lab coat to reveal a tranquillizer dart gun. He shot Cheryl in the neck. "God I love poker night!"
"Me…too…." Cheryl warbled before passing out again.
"Here," Pam walked back in. "I got you a tampon. You put it…"
"I know how it works," Archer groaned. "I've done it before."
"Does that count as phrasing?" Ray asked Cyril.
"God damn it," Archer grumbled as he put the tampon up his nose. "Well they do work I'll admit that."
"You look like a douche!" Pam snorted. The others laughed too.
"Yeah, ha, ha morons," Archer grumbled. "At least this time I don't have two of them up both nostrils."
"Wait, this has happened to you before?" Cyril asked.
"Don't ask," Archer groaned. "Okay so Carol's passed out cold. I've got my gun back. So what? We go back to the game?"
"I'd like to take a break if you don't mind," Cyril grumbled as he sat down on a chair. "Especially after how you screwed things up."
"How is this my fault?" Archer asked.
"Are you kidding me?" Ray snapped.
"You're serious?" Krieger shouted at the same time.
"How is it not?" Cyril shouted.
"Unbelievable…" Pam snapped. "I should bop you in the nose!"
"I'll go one better," Ray said. Right before he sprayed Archer with the fire extinguisher.
"Damn it Ray!" Archer shouted. "My clothes!"
"Serves you right!" Pam snapped.
"Damn it Ray!" Archer growled. "I'll get you for this!"
"Gotta catch me first!" Ray laughed as he used his super speed to run off.
"AAAAAHHH!" Archer ran after him.
"Does he really think he can catch Ray while he's using his super speed?" Cyril asked.
"Apparently," Pam sighed.
"Kind of like Hawkeye chasing Quicksilver without his bow and arrows," Krieger remarked.
"Plus…" Pam began.
"AAAHHH! RAY!" Archer shouted.
"Ray still has the fire extinguisher," Pam added.
CRASH! SMASH! CLUNK! CLUNK! CRASH!
"GOD DAMN IT RAY!" Archer shouted.
"Plus that hallway is really slippery when wet," Krieger added.
SMASH! CRASH!
"OWW! RAY!" Archer shouted.
"HA HA HA HA HA!" Ray laughed insanely.
"Plus what's Archer going to do even if he manages to catch Ray?" Cyril asked. "Ray has a bionic hand now and is stronger than Archer. Ray will just use that against him."
"GOD DAMN IT RAY!" Archer shouted.
"I think Ray has finally turned a corner on his bionics," Krieger smiled. "Good for him."
"AAAHHH!" Archer shouted.
CRASH! SMASH! CRASH!
"Sounds like Archer is having trouble turning corners," Pam quipped.
"Again that hallway gets really slippery when wet," Krieger nodded. "Sometimes late at night I water it down a little and use it as a slip and slide! It's fun!"
"So is setting up a wet banana in the break room," Pam added.
"That explains some of the water damage in the floors," Cyril groaned. "I need a drink."
"Ah! I have just the thing!" Krieger smiled. "Be right back!" He went into the break room.
CRASH!
"YEOOWWWW!" Archer shouted. "DAMN IT RAY! THAT HAND HURTS!"
"You called it," Pam told Cyril.
"It's basically common sense," Cyril said. "Which Archer doesn't have."
"OWW! OWW! OWW!" Archer yelled. "OKAY! I'M SORRY ABOUT THE WHOLE STUPID GUN THING! DAMN IT RAY!"
"Here we go," Krieger walked out with a case of some bottles. "Fresh cold brewskis!"
"All right!" Pam took one along with Cyril. She opened it and took a swig. "Damn that's good brew!"
Cyril drank some. "This is good. I don't think I've ever tasted this brand. What is it?"
"It's one of my personal blends," Krieger said. "I call it Krieger Ale!"
"The label says Krieger Krush," Cyril noticed. "With a K."
"Uh oh…" Krieger gulped. "I may have mixed up my cases."
"What do you…?" Cyril began when suddenly his brain cells were hit by a freight train. "Whaawweeeoowwwweeoooooooooooooohhhhhh!"
"What? Whaaaaaa….." Pam's pupils began to get bigger. Then her brain cells were hit by a freight train. "Whaaaaaaaaaaawwaawaaaweeeeeoooooooooooooooooohhhh!"
"Whoops," Krieger winced. "My bad."
"Ow! Jesus Christ Ray!" Archer staggered in holding his shoulder. He was also covered in a little bit of foam. "I'm sorry I broke your freaking nose! Happy?"
"Can I have your scotch?" Ray asked.
"I'm not that sorry!" Archer snapped. Then he saw what was going on in the bullpen. "What the…?"
"Aloha oe!" Cyril was dancing around doing the hula. "Aloha oe…dum, de, dum, de, dum, dum, dum…"
"Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na!" Pam whipped off her dress and used it like a cape as she ran around. "Na, na, na, na…BATMAN!"
"Zero to Batman," Archer blinked. "That's never good."
"What the hell is wrong with them?" Ray asked as they watched Pam and Cyril dance and run around like idiots.
"Besides the usual," Archer added.
"They accidentally drank some of my Krieger Krush ale," Krieger explained. "I thought I was giving them my regular Krieger Ale instead."
"Didn't you make that hooch with South American Muscatine?" Ray asked. "AKA Crazy Fruit?"
"And a few other…ingredients," Krieger winced. "It produces instant euphoria."
"It turns people bat shit crazy!" Ray barked. "Archer…ARCHER!"
Archer was drinking one of the bottles. "ARCHER!" Ray and Krieger shouted.
Archer simply held up one of his fingers as he drank. "Oh this just got worse," Krieger winced.
"This is going to end up like Krieger Valley isn't it?" Ray groaned.
"Yup, yup, yup," Krieger nodded.
"What's Krieger Valley?" Archer asked after he finished drinking. Then he burped.
"Krieger's alcoholic concoctions scramble your brain cells," Ray explained. "And since in your case you have too few to spare…"
"Phftt…I'm fine!" Archer waved.
"Seriously?" Krieger was surprised.
"BATMAN!" Pam cried out as she ran around.
"Guys, come on," Archer scoffed as he took another drink. "This is me. You really think a couple of drinks are going to…? Uh oh….Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhooowweeeeeoohhh!"
"There it is," Krieger sighed.
Archer made a heroic pose. "I'm Batman!"
"No! I'm Batman!" Pam shouted.
"I'm Batman!" Archer snapped.
"No, I'm Batman!" Pam cackled.
"And now we have two Batmans and a hula dancer," Ray remarked as Archer and Pam chased each other around the agency. "Krieger we gotta…OH COME ON!"
Krieger held up his finger as he drank from a bottle. "Might as well join the party! Wwwwwheeeeeeooowwwwwaaahhhh!"
Then Krieger got a wild look in his eyes. "HI HO PIGGLY! AWAY!"
"Who could have seen this happening?" Ray rolled his eyes as Krieger galloped around the room. "I think it's safe to assume Poker Night is over. And whatever this is has begun."
"I'M BATMAN!" Pam cried out.
"NO, I'M BATMAN!" Archer shouted. "TO THE BAT CAVE!"
"RACE YOU TO THE BAT CAVE!" Pam whooped.
"Happy hula hands…" Cyril had taken off his shirt and wrapped it around his waist like a skirt.
"Ride like the wind Piggly!" Krieger galloped around. "OOOOINNKK!"
"Okay…" Ray sighed as he turned around. "I'm out of here. But not without taking my winnings. And the scotch in Archer's office."
The following morning…
"I don't get why we had to come in on a Saturday," Lana said to Mallory as she unlocked the door to the Figgis Agency. "Granted I'm glad Ron's looking after AJ, but why do we have to come to work when the office isn't open?"
The question was answered as soon as the two women entered the bullpen. The entire place was a mess. Krieger was passed out wearing only his underwear on the table cuddling a mop. Cheryl was tied up on the couch with a tranquillizer dart in her neck. Archer was passed out on the floor wearing only his underwear, a black mask and a tampon up his nose. Pam was completely naked face down in a pile of potato chips at another table. Cyril was lying flat on his back wearing only his underwear on another part of the floor.
A few bullet holes were in the wall along with a knitting needle. There was toast, broken glass and foam everywhere. And some water/alcohol spots on the rug and floor. As well as the words I'M BATMAN! NO I'M BATMAN spray painted all over the walls.
"This is why, Lana," Mallory growled. "This is why!"
"What the shit went on here? Is that a knitting needle imbedded in the wall?" Lana did a double take.
"Looks like Carol was playing with sharp objects again," Mallory groaned.
"Her name is Cheryl," Lana corrected.
"Whatever!" Mallory snapped. "It's not like she isn't going to change it anytime soon!"
"There are bullet holes in the walls," Lana realized. "I thought they all agreed to lock up all the weapons in the timer safe?"
"Somebody must have forgotten," Mallory glared at the broken glass that was once one of her Stubends. "Odds are it was Sterling. Damn it! Can't have anything nice."
"There's toast and broken glass everywhere," Lana looked around. "Cheryl's tied up and everyone is unconscious. And it looks and smells like one of the wastebaskets was set on fire. Probably by Cheryl."
"Great detecting Sally Kimball," Mallory quipped. "Is that a tampon up Sterling's nose?"
"You tell me Nancy Drew," Lana gave her a look. "What exactly do these idiots do on poker night?"
"Honestly Lana," Mallory sighed. "The less we know, the better."