Tommy and Kimi Make a Porno

by AJ the Marauder

Based off of Kevin Smith's "Zack and Miri Make a Porno", Tommy and Kimi are two broke underachievers in their late twenties working dead end jobs. When they are on the verge of being homeless, Tommy suggests that they should go into the porn business in order to pay their debts.

Tommy and Kimi Make a Porno

Chapter 1: Shitty Mornings and Jobs

It was a cold and snowy morning in Monroeville, Pennsylvania (a suburb of Pittsburg). "Wynoda's Big Brown Beaver" from Primus plays as the title credits come onto the screen.

The sound of a car crashing and a dude yelling "You little motherfucker!" woke up a girl in a nearby apartment. This was Kimi Wattanabe, a 28 year old beautiful and petite Japanese American woman with dark and wavy violet hair. She got out of bed and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and walked out of her room to the kitchen to make herself coffee.

"Get up, Tommy." She called to her roommate as she knocked on the bedroom door next to hers. A young guy named Tommy Pickles groaned and sat up. Tommy is a Jewish/Christian American guy who is also 28 years of age with short violet-black hair and black facial hair.

Both adults have known each other since the first grade and pretty much have a brother and sister type relationship. However, both of them are subjected to living with the other in a crappy two bedroom apartment due to them being underachievers and not amounting to anything after high school. Both of them work dead end jobs and have a huge stack of unpaid bills in a stack on the counter marked "Unpaid Bills" along with an overdue rent.

Kimi walked back down the hallway to Tommy's room with a mug of coffee in her hand and opened the door to see that he's gone back to sleep. "Come on, I don't want to be late for work." She said to him and Tommy threw a hockey stick at her in response which missed her as she walked into the bathroom.

Tommy got out of bed and walked to the bathroom, but as soon as he opened the door (which was not closed all the way) he was met with a shriek of terror from Kimi on the toilet "Ah! Get out!" she yelled.

"Jesus, fuck! Close the fuckin' door if you're gonna take a shit!" he yelled back at her.

"It was closed!" she protested.

"No, it was closed over. It was not closed!"

"Close the fucking door, Tommy! God!"

"Fine!" He said and closed the bathroom door to let her finish with her business.

Twenty minutes later Kimi was waiting in the drivers seat in their old and beat up sedan trying to warm up a hand warmer as she waited for Tommy. When he finally came down to the car he got into the passenger's seat, he noticed Kimi trying to warm her hands.

"What's that thing?" he asked.

"It's a hand warmer." She said and he took it out of her hands and put it down his pants to warm up his crotch. He smiled and sighed in relief as he could feel his privates get all nice and toasty.

"We're going now." She said to him and she pulled out of their driveway. As they were cruising down the road Kimi smelled something weird "You smell that? Is that the car? Oh Fuck…"

As she was smelling the weird smell Tommy was staring to feel the burn for real "Oh goddamn it. Oh, no." he panicked.

"What? What?"

"Oh God, it's wedged in my taint!"

"What is?"

"It got wedged in my taint!"

"What?"

"It's stuck under my balls! It's stuck between my balls and my leg!" he shouted in pain.

"What's happening?" she yelled.

"Pull over. Please, pull over!" he begged.

Kimi gave him a weird look "Why?"

"Pull the fuck over!" he yelled.

"Okay! All right! Jesus!" she yelled back pulling to the side of road, where Tommy jumped out trying to take the heating pad out of his crotch. When he did he threw it to the ground and clenched his balls in pain as he got back into the car.

"I think I burned my ball hair off…" Kimi laughed at her friend's misfortune and pulled back onto the road.

A little bit later they pulled up to the front entrance of the mall where Kimi worked. "Hey, can you help me pick out an outfit for tonight?" she asked.

Tommy shook his head "Can't, I'm working till 6." He said as they both got out of the car.

"I can try on stuff at the store."

"The store?" he asked. "No, how about instead, you get a friend?"

Kimi smirked at him and touched the tip of his nose "But you are my friend." She said walking into the mall.

"I mean a girl friend. Jeez…" Tommy walked over to the driver's side and got in. But as he tried to close the door, it wouldn't budge "Ah!" he grunted "You stupid piece of fucking shit!" He got back out and tried to budge the door but it still wouldn't move. "Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!" he cursed while kicking the door out of frustration.

Just then, Tommy noticed a pickup truck coming towards him. He smiled deviously as he got an idea "Hey, sugar tits!" he called while raising both middle fingers for the driver to see.

The woman driver of the truck noticed some asshole giving her both fingers and she got real pissed.

"Sit and spin ya fugly mook!" Tommy called, egging her on.

The woman glared at the asshole "Fugly mook?" she said and then pressed down on the gas pedal, speeding up the truck.

"Come on, hit me!" before the truck came into contact with the door Tommy quickly jumped back into the car to avoid being hit. When the truck passed he inspected the damage he saw that the door was fixed "Thank you!" he shouted and then proceeded to drive to his job.

...

Up the street there was a coffee shop called Bean-n-Gone, where Tommy worked, and working behind the counter was a tall black guy with an afro named Gerald. As he was making a cappuccino a shorter Jamaican man named Conroy (who was the owner and manager of the shop) approached him.

"Mr. Gerald!" he greeted him with a smile "Can you work for me tomorrow?"

Gerald gave him a weird look "Tomorrow's Thanksgiving."

"Then you must come in the next day, I tell you. It's Black Friday." Conroy said sternly.

"Black Friday?"

"It's the biggest mall-shopping day of the year. And since the mall is just down the street, I would like you to come out and work."

"On Black Friday?" Gerald asked.

"Oh, yeah."

"Alright then, you want me to work on Moolie Monday too?" Gerald asked sarcastically

Conroy gave him a confused look "I'm sorry?"

"How about Nigga Tuesday?" he asked with another sarcastic tone.

"Nigga Tuesday? Is this a new holiday?"

"You come to a brother and tell him that he gotta work on Black Friday. You got any idea how racist that sounds?" Gerald spoke with an irritated tone this time "Tellin me to come in work. What, you think you own me?"

Conroy was taken back "I never said this, I tell you!"

"But you thought it didn't you?" Gerald asked raising his voice 'I'm gonna lay down the law for this nigga, cause I put food on his table and clothes on his little nigga-baby backs, and he ain't gonna say shit!"

"This ain't Amistad." Said Tommy, who just came in.

Conroy turned around and glared at the purple haired employee "You shut up!" he yelled at him.

"You goddamn right this ain't Amistad!" Gerald yelled back "I can't wait till the post office settle my disability suit, 'cause them I'm gonna be out of this motherfucker. 'Cause I'm gonna be Oprah-rich. Then y'all can kiss my ass."

"You know what?" the Jamaican man yelled "Fuck you! Fuck you, and suck cock!" Gerald raised and eyebrow at this which caused Conroy to roll his eyes "To hell with you." He said walking away.

"The hell with you." Gerald said back.

"Thomas will work." Conroy said giving his attention to Tommy "Tommy, my boy."

"Yeah?" he asked.

The boss man put a hand on his shoulder "The customer with the harelip..,"

"Oh, yeah, yeah."

"…speak me, say you were playing… baseball here the other night."

"Wiffle ball." Tommy corrected "And, uh, no, that wasn't me."

"Ah. Maybe the harelip makes it sound like baseball." Conroy pointed out.

"Yeah, maybe you hear with an accent." Tommy agreed.

"Fuck you, okay?"

"Okay…"

"One day, I'm gonna put a camera over there." Conroy declared "And I can tell—I'll know everything you do when I'm gone. Everything! Scratch your balls, take a shit. Everything, I tell you. Okay?" he asked walking to his office.

"Okay." Tommy said. "Fucker…" he muttered, which only Gerald could hear.

"I hate both of you ebony-and-ivory motherfuckers." The boss man said to the two. "I tell you!"

Tommy turned to Gerald "Why is he so fucking high strung?"

"Fuck off, I tell you. Very good, I tell you." Gerald said in a mocking accent which made Tommy chuckle "Can you believe that Gandhi motherfucker telling me I gotta work on Black Friday? Ain't that some shit?"

"Yeah it is."

"Like I don't wanna do shopping. Biggest sales day of the year, I'm getting me a flat screen TV, you can believe that."

"That's my fault actually, sorry." Tommy said.

"For what?" Gerald asked.

"I actually just need a lot of recovery time. Uh, tonight is actually me and Kimi's ten year high school reunion. I'm just gonna get fuckin' alcohol poisoning."

Gerald gave him a confused look "Reunion?"

"Yeah."

"Tomorrow's Thanksgiving." He pointed out.

"I know, isn't it fucked up that they do that? Like, they say it's the best chance to get everyone together, people come back in town for the holidays. But, you know what, they could have it in the middle of the summer at a fuckin' blowjob contest that I was judging, and it would still be retarded."

"So why you goin' then?" asked Gerald.

Tommy sighed "Kimi's making me go."

Gerald pointed a finger at him "Listen here, why you always bending over backwards for that girl, knowing she ain't giving up no ass?"

"We got a good thing going man." Tommy defended "She—She—She pays half the rent, she does the dishes, she wakes me up in the morning. Why complicate that with sex? Besides man, I've known her since the first grade. You don't fuck someone you met in the first grade."

"Excuse me" Gerald interjected "I met my wife in Kindergarten, we got married senior year, and she's been the queen of my world ever since."

"But what if you could do it all over again?" Tommy asked.

"I would jerk off and live by myself. That woman is the bane of my existence."

"See?"

"Excuse me?" the two employees turned to see a middle aged customer in front of the counter "Can I get a cup of coffee, black?"

"Can't you see we talking, white?"

….

Later on that evening, when the store was devoid of any customers except for two high school boys, Tommy was having to watch the store while Kimi was in back trying on dresses for tomorrow night.

"All right." She said coming out of the back with a leopard skin design dress with a golden sequin part for the upper chest area "How about this one?"

Tommy examined the dress and laughed "Ummm, You kinda look like one of the girls from High School Musical."

"The one who did the nudie shot or the one who got the nose job?" she asked.

"The one dating that gay guy I accidentally jacked off to once cause I thought it was a chick."

Kimi laughed "Oh yeah. I think he just uses makeup." She said as she went in back to try on another dress.

"If you're gonna continue to emasculate me with this Barbie dress up shit, I'm using your laptop." He said to her taking the beat up laptop out of her bag.

"Don't forget to smack it when you turn it on. Otherwise the screen won't come on." She said.

Tommy did exactly this and the screen came on "Why don't you spring and get a new one of these?"

"Same reason why I don't spring for clothes for tonight: I'm broke. There's a chick who works at Teen Juice at the mall, and I gave her a good deal on yarn, so she's letting me borrow this stuff for tonight." As she was saying all this the two teens could see her getting undressed from the table they were sitting at.

"Yo, bro!" the shorter haired teen whispered.

"Ha-ha-ha-ha!" Tommy laughed "You're buying a vibrator on line! What's wrong with the one you have?" He asked "It died last week!"

"Look at the size of those fucking panties!" the longer haired teen whispered.

"Shoot that shit." The shorter haired teen whispered and the longer haired teen started recording Kimi in her embarrassing period panties.

"God, who even knew Amazon sold shit like this? This is incredible." Said Tommy, still looking at Kimi's Amazon wish list.

"Those are fucking granny panties!" The long haired teen laughed quietly as he kept filming Kimi with his phone.

Tommy heard the two teens laughing and looked up to see them filming something, and looked behind him and noticed that they were filming his friend undressing through the half open door. He looked back to the two boys with a glare.

"Okay, A. I don't appreciate you violating the sanctity of my Amazon wish list page. And B. I'm not buying that thing from Amazon, because turns out they don't have a credit card they take." Kimi said from the back room.

While the two boys were filming they were laughing. But their looks of joy were turned into looks of horror when the image of Kimi in her granny panties were replaced the image of an ass.

"Oh, shit!" said the shorter haired teen in disgust.

"Sorry, guys. Am I in your way?" Tommy asked sarcastically, pulling his underwear and pants up.

The two boys stopped filming and got up "You're a fucking faggot, alright?" said the short haired teen "Let's go to Starbucks, he's a shitty barista anyways."

"Cock!" Tommy yelled, throwing a mug at the boys but missed causing it to shatter on the floor.

"And he throws like a bitch!"

"You know what else I throw? My nut sack in your coffees. So how did that taste, fucker?"

"Yeah? Well we saw your girlfriend in her underwear, cunt nugget!" The long haired boy taunted as they started to walk out the store.

"Well, too bad for you she's not my girlfriend you little fuck—oh, they're gone…" Tommy said, missing his chance at a good comeback.

Kimi walked out of the back room "Are you talking to me?"

"No."

"How about this one?" she asked.

Tommy laughed "What are you, 12 years old? It's got clowns on the shoulders."

Kimi looked at her shoulders "Oh, that's what those are!" she said going back to try on another dress and Tommy going back to looking on Amazon.

"Ho-ho-holy shit!" he exclaimed "They sell the fleshlight here too!"

"What's that?" Kimi asked.

"It's a fucking pocket pussy that is shaped like a flashlight 'for discretionary jacking off'." Tommy explained "That way, if you get caught, no one thinks it's weird. You're just a guy who likes to fuck his flashlight. I am totally buying this shit!"

"Whoa! If you've got money to burn, how about paying the electric bill?"

"That's due already?"

"Well, November's is probably due now, but I was talking about September's. Now how about this?" Kimi was now wearing a black sweater with hearts and black pants.

Tommy not really caring just shrugged and went to clean up the shattered mug "I don't get how you're putting so much effort into this thing anyways. I thought we were, like… just gonna go sit around and make fun of everybody."

"Well I can't wear anything I already own and expect to bring home Z."

Tommy scoffed "Fucking Z? No way! Didn't that guy call you Wasabi-Wattanabe?"

"Yeah, that was then, okay?" She defended "Maybe now he can save me a fortune in Amazon bills.

"Maybe… you can fuck our landlord, so we can at least keep a roof over our heads." Tommy suggested sarcastically.

Kimi gasped as she came out of the back "You don't have the rent? Tommy, it's your month!"

Tommy held up his hands "Hey, I bought skates with last week's paycheck, and I need those." He defended "And, this week's will barely cover the past two water bills, so…"

Kimi sighed in irritation "Is this sexy?" She was wearing her last outfit, which was a black, spaghetti strap, knee high dress with blue polka dots.

Tommy observed the dress and was actually impressed "Yeah. In like, a to Catch a Predator kind of way, it is pretty fucking sexy."

"Then we're done." Kimi said sitting on one of the chairs.

"Wanna smoke a bowl before we go tonight?" asked Tommy.

"Dude, we're gonna see all of our old classmates, who are probably married with stable jobs and great lives!"

"I want to smoke two bowls…" she sighed.

End of chapter 1