Howdy, yal.... VG107 here and comin' at you with a new spin on an ever so classic story; the Boy Who Lived. This is a review for all you cheaters who need to write a report on the book without actually reading it. You just wasted about 20 seconds reading this when you could've been READING THE BOOK. Burn and diss, I don't like cheaters, defiantly the ones that cheat at UNO. 3 Read this!
We all thought Lilly and James Potter were killed by Lord Voldemort. So did Harry. Only Professor Albus Dumbledore knew the truth. He never told anyone, not even his Phoenix and he loved that stupid bird. He also never told Harry Potter, no matter how much he cared for him; he must never know the painful truth. Albus Dumbledore died with the secret of how Lilly and James Potter were really killed.
Long before Harry was born, in fact, very long before his parent's parent's parents were born, a strange group was formed and they called themselves the Circus. Harry's great, great, great, great, great, great grandparents were members. His great x6 grandmother, who was the original bearded lady, promised the Circus her great x6th grand child in exchange for her razor. The Circus, being extremely violent and able to remember for a very long time, said they would kill anyone who came between the compromise.
Many years later, after the Bearded Lady and the World's Ugliest Man died from being social outcasts, a boy was born by the name of Harry Potter. He was the Bearded Lady and T.W.U.M's great, great, great, great, great, great grandson. Therefore, at some point, the Circus people were obligated to come and steal him from his unsuspecting parents.
The original Circus people, that had made the compromise with the Bearded Lady, were still alive and running. Of course they were really old, but they could still get around in those power scooters. Anyway, three people from the Circus sat in the bushes outside of the Potter house. They all turned up their hearing aids and adjusted their glasses. It was agreed that if the parents fought against their son being taken, they would be beat with a walker because the Circus people were afraid of their assassins carrying anything sharp for the fear that they would hurt themselves.
The curtains in a first level window where drawn aside. The light streaked across the lawn. The assassins blinked and were momentarily blinded. A round face appeared in the window. It was James Potter's. His black hair was in every direction and his glasses slid down his nose. He closed the curtain, leaving the three elderly Circus people in darkness.
It was time to move. Dolores was the first to rise. She began pushing her walker out of the tangle of leaves and sticks. Joe followed her as he pulled his pants farther up to his armpits. Ruth was the last to rise. Her plastic bonnet got stuck on a twig and was pulled off. She left it there and began to follow. The only sound that could be heard was the squeaking of Ruth's orthopedic shoes on the damp lawn.
After ten minutes, they finally reached the front door. Not bothering to knock, Dolores beat the door with her walker. A scream could be heard from within the house. Dolores pushed her walker into the house and Joe followed with his cane. Ruth wiped her damp shoes on the welcome mat and shut the door behind her.
"No, don't take Harry!" James Potter yelled at Dolores after she told him that he belonged to them.
"I won't let you take him!" James cried as he reached for his wand that laid on a table beside the stairway door.
Dolores stumbled as she raised her walker. She brought it down hard on James' head. He fell to the floor in a crumpled heap. Joe began to beat him with his cane. Ruth lowered and checked his pulse. He didn't have one. One down, one to go.
The elderly assassins stepped over James Potter after much difficulty. Dolores, Joe and Ruth began the climb up the stairs.
When they reached the top stair, they heard a voice call out to James.
"James, is that you?" Lilly Potter called, sticking her head out of a door.
Ruth waved at her when she saw the Circus people standing in the hallway.
"AHH!" Lilly screamed as she slammed the door hard.
"Give us the boy!" Joe coughed as he headed down the hallway towards the door.
Dolores and Ruth followed him. Joe began pounding on the door. Dolores pushed him aside and proceeded to beat the door with her state-of-the-art walker. It creaked open thanks to the beat down it just got.
Lilly screamed again as she huddled over a baby crib.
"Please don't hurt Harry! Kill me instead! He's just a baby!" Lilly cried as she backed up against the crib protecting Harry.
Dolores turned to Joe and smiled with her puckered lips. She was going to let Joe have this one. Joe stepped forward, leaning heavily on his cane. He shifted his weight and lifted the cane high above his head and brought it down on Lilly causing her to slump to the ground. Joe hit her repeatedly as Ruth stepped over to the baby's crib.
Harry was looking at her with round eyes as she lifted him from the crib and into her arms. His black hair was like his father's and his green eyes were his mother's. He had a lightning shaped scar on his forehead. How odd, Ruth thought as she carried him from the room after Dolores and Joe.
From the top of the stairs, the elderly people could see a man in a black rope standing over the dead body of James. Hearing Joe's cane, he looked up at them. His red eyes studying them as they walked down the stairs.
"Did you do this?" The cloaked man asked, pointing to the corpse.
"Yes," Ruth answered him and then stepped over the lumped body.
"How disappointing," the man replied, "I was going to kill them myself. Mind if I take the credit?"
"No, go ahead," Dolores replayed as she struggled to get her walker around the dead guy.
"Thank you ever so much," the man said, "Watch for my name then. The name 'Voldemort' will be known throughout the wizard world!"
"Go to town," Joe said as he pulled the front door open. The three elderly assassins left the house, and Voldemort behind them as the slid into the getaway car parked in the driveway.
When they pulled into the Circus head quarters, Ruth looked down to see Baby Harry. When she did, all she found was that her arms were empty. Oops. She must have left the baby back at the Potter's home with that crazy man!
Ruth, Dolores and Joe were all fired from the Circus. They all sat in the Bingo room at a retirement home watching the Wizard News one day. The headline story was about a baby that survived an Avada Kadabera killing curse. Voldemort was then accused of murdering James and Lilly Potter, trying to kill the baby, and burning the house to the ground.
"Why does this story sound familiar?" Ruth asked as she laid a chip on her Bingo board.
Two of the Circus' top assassins drove to the Potter home the day after the last three failed. They were going to get that baby. That was their mission and if they failed, they were going to be playing Bingo for the rest of their years. When they pulled into the driveway of the home, all that was there was ashes and a charred skeleton of a house.
Upon farther inspection of the house, the baby was never found. All the assassins found were fresh footprints in the ashes, a state-of-the-art walker and a Phoenix feather.
"Ah, crap," said one assassin.
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