Title: Heartaches (Sub-title: Why)
Author: HeukYa
Genre: Romance/Angst
Rating: T for yaoi and language
Pairing: Kurosaki Ichigo/Hitsugaya Toshiro
Spoilers: Scenes released from the upcoming film, the Diamond Dust Rebellion
Summary: Kurosaki Ichigo's heart is suffering from too much stress, too much pain, and it's all because of one single person, Hitsugaya Toshiro.
Disclaimer: It depresses me but the reality is that I do NOT own the Bleach. Damnit.
Distribution: Fanfiction and LJ
---------------IchiHitsu----------IchiHitsu---------------
Author's Note:
For some reason which I do not know -in other words, don't ask-, Bleach Episode 151 from Dattebayo has different closing to the one I downloaded with different subtitle. The latter's closing is made of more scenes from the upcoming film, like Episode 109 for Memories of Nobody, so I've managed to see more bits and pieces. There is a scene of IchiHitsu -angry Ichi- moment if you squint really hard /……/. Find, I'm just desperate.
Anyway, so this story is based on what I've made up after having watched the trailers, opening, and closing. It's most likely to be wrong anyway /……/ and the story will be from Ichigo's side.
Warnings: Strong language
Bold- means Ichigo's thoughts
Italic- means past flashbacks
Heartaches -Why- by HeukYa
Rukia and Renji glanced at each other, a mix of worry and confusion flashing in their contrasting coloured eyes. Ishida simply stayed silent, leaning on a wall of Ichigo's room with his arms crossed, and moved only to push his glasses up once in a while. The air, seemingly calm, was in fact suffocating, heavily clogged with… With what, nobody could say; it was no simple emotion that whirled around in this room that had lost its all important guest.
And the origin of the swirling silence-before-the-storm sat next to the formerly occupied bed, not uttering a word or even just a sound, two callused hands gently skimming across the pristine white haori that was cold and empty, abandoned by its owner.
"Ichigo…"
Rukia made to get next to the unmoving orange-haired teen -what she would do then, she did not know- but was stopped by her childhood friend who had his large hand on her narrow shoulder. The redhead simply shook his head when the petite shinigami turned around with obvious concern for their human friend and Rukia lowered her cobalt eyes, leaving Ichigo to be.
There was a quiet rustle of fabric as the hands that had been rubbing the soft cotton clenched the haori and Ishida, Renji and Rukia shared quick, anxious glances before they all turned their eyes to the rooted substitute shinigami.
Ishida was, surprisingly, worried about the repulsively loud and downright stupid teen; he alone, with Inoue and Chado, were aware of the true nature of his shinigami friend's relationship with the one that had vanished into thin air from this room. The Quincy sighed softly as he pushed his glasses up once more. The situation was not looking good; in fact, it was fast tumbling down the hill like a speeding car with a broken brake. It was bad enough having to deal with a frantic Vaizard who had gone out of his wits when they finally found the missing shinigami. Now, the said shinigami had disappeared yet again, leaving behind what was surely one of his most prized possessions.
Ishida was not just sure; he KNEW that Kurosaki Ichigo hated the entire situation with his whole heart.
One of the hands that had grasped the rather small haori released its hold and glided across the bed sheet. The fabric was unforgiving; there was no heat, not even a trace of it, and only the faint hint of frosty reiatsu lingering on the sheet confirmed that the owner of the clothes in Ichigo's hand had once been resting there.
"…Why?"
The three of them looked at each other again at the barely discernible word that escaped the orange-haired teen's lips but no one said anything in response.
None of them could.
None of them knew.
The pained brown eyes stayed on the spot that his small lover had been lying as the hand tightened its hold around the now crumpled haori. Ichigo was lost -- confused was not nearly enough to describe how he felt. He was genuinely lost and hurt but at the same time, worried to death. His icy prince was obviously not aware of the intensity of the numerous heartaches he had received so far.
When news of the disappearance of the tenth division captain reached his ears for the first time, Ichigo had frozen on the spot and stopped breathing; it was only when Rukia slapped his back with all her might that he realised how starved his lungs were of oxygen and the invisible hand that was squeezing his frantically beating heart.
As soon as he had heard roughly where Toshiro's mission was supposed to have taken him, Ishida and he took off, only to get lost in the thick forest. The abominable hand returned to twist his heart around, cutting off its blood supply, and it was the Quincy's firm, solid calmness that gave Ichigo's weakening heart the strength to push the thick red liquid around the body.
When it had suddenly started to snow, Ichigo could genuinely feel the adrenaline pumping around in his blood. As the soft, white crystals did not melt on their hands and Ishida, being his usual analytical self, murmured that this could not be normal snow, his heart went into another similar but different ache as it tried to beat itself out of his chest, to fly to his lover; still as painful as any others but this one was all too welcoming as the substitute shinigami hysterically searched for the telltale icy reiatsu, screaming at the Quincy to help him. He had been so caught up in finding his lost lover that he did not even notice how Ishida silently obeyed the near-snarling without the usual retorts.
When the hazelnut eyes finally found the snow-topped figure, unconscious on the ground and unresponsive to their calls, Ichigo's first thought -when his brain managed to actually think- was that this was definitely not good for his heart which he was sure was going to give out sometime soon. The poor, overtaxed organ had stopped yet again as if he had just received an electric shock, like those people medics always madly try to save on the dramas and films using the defibrillator. This time, it was the Quincy's slightly high-pitched roar that got his heart beating again, not to mention kicking his ass into taking the lithe and frighteningly limp body in his arms to take the small boy back to the clinic; to home.
It had been only one night. Only one night since Ichigo had at last felt the warmth of the icy captain, only one night since Ichigo had caressed the baby cheeks, only one night since Ichigo had kissed the tender lips that were too cold for his liking.
It had been only two hours that the orange-haired teen, succumbing from the wariness of his frantic, panicking, thumping, erratic heart, had fallen asleep, sitting on the floor next to the bed, and Hitsugaya Toshiro had disappeared from right under his nose.
There was no 'Ohayo', no words, not even a note to explain what had happened, why he had been out cold, and where he was going for what reason. There was not even the feeling of a flitting, timid kiss that his little dragon used to leave behind when Toshiro had to return to Soul Society while Ichigo was asleep. Only thing left behind for the wounded orange-haired teen was the cold, crisp haori with the tenth division insignia painfully clear on its back.
The hand that had been repeatedly rubbing the sheet moved to the chest and grasped the sky-blue shirt that the substitute shinigami was wearing; it was the one that his Toshiro had always found so funny to see him in, smirking at how apparent the colour clashed with his vibrant hair.
Ishida raised an eyebrow when he saw the teen clutching his chest; it was not the first time the sharp-eyed Quincy had seen it since the initial disappearance of Hitsugaya Toshiro.
"Kurosaki."
"……"
"We will be downstairs. Come down when…"
"……"
The black eyes darted between the shinigamis and his friend before Ishida continued.
"Come down later."
Renji and Rukia looked uncomfortable with the idea of leaving Ichigo alone when he was obviously struck hard at the core by the tenth division captain's sudden, wordless departure, but something in those deep eyes of the Quincy was telling them that Ishida knew of something and that he was sure this was the best they could do for the orange-haired teen at least for now.
Ichigo, still kneeling next to the bed, one hand clenching what was once the telltale sign of the prodigy, the other hand on his chest, did not give any sign that he had heard the Quincy nor that he acknowledged his friends leaving the room. Following Renji and Ishida out of the room, Rukia paused for a second before she closed the door and sighed yet again. All she could see was the hunched back and the slumped shoulders of her friend, the one so passionate and honest, deeply hurt, immensely worried, and evidently pained.
"Ishida, are you sure that…"
Taking his seat in the empty living room, Ishida pushed his glasses up and let out a small sigh.
"Yes. Kurosaki needs time to recuperate."
Renji and Rukia looked each other with confusion, blinking, and Ishida elaborated a little further.
"It's not Kurosaki, it's his heart that needs to recover even for a little bit."
The small girl was obviously still puzzled.
"His heart?"
Ishida did not respond this time; any more than that and he might as well be telling them about the new development in the relationship between the substitute shinigami and the prodigy captain. With Ishida not willing to speak any more, another silence, much more relaxed than the one before but nevertheless, laced with worry, descended down upon the three frowning figures, all lost in their own thoughts.
---------------IchiHitsu----------IchiHitsu---------------
Ichigo bit his lips hard enough to bleed when another wrench grasped his heart; it was not just from worry but from anger as well. What he was angry about was another matter. So many questions, too many questions, stormed through his mind, to which he could not even attempt to come up with any answers.
"…Toshiro… Why?"
It would not have been so painful if his lover had at least left a one-word note, just a kiss ghosting over his lips. It would not have been so painful if he had got to see those mesmerising teal orbs at least for a second. It would not have been so goddamn painful if this accursed haori, so purely white just like his lover's silky hair, had not been left behind.
It would not have been this goddamn fucking painful if his Toshiro had trusted him.
Ichigo rested his head on the edge of the mattress when his heart reached a new level of ache, almost suffocating him. The orange eyebrows were firmly knitted, the eyes tightly shut, as his hand almost gnawed the pained chest, just so that the teen could have something else to focus on instead of the overpowering agony.
Taking deep breaths, Ichigo rubbed the sky-blue shirt instead of tearing at it. He forced his eyes open and stared at the spotless haori that had always looked so good, so perfect, on his small lover, before he buried his face in the clothes. There was some burnt smell but not powerful enough to overcome his frosty dragon's fresh, cool scent that hung in the fabric strongly from the long time that the captain had worn it.
"Why, Toshiro?"
Those two were the only words he could mutter, only two that kept running through his mind. Ichigo bit his lips, this time, from anguished determination. His Toshiro would not have left like that for no reason; there had to be something that had forced the prodigy captain into a corner like this. Ichigo had so many questions he wanted, needed to ask, but before that, he had to find his lover.
And when he did, he was going to save his prince from whatever had pushed him to the edge. Whatever Toshiro had done to him, however many heartaches Toshiro gave him, however much pain he had to endure, he trusted the little guy and most importantly, Ichigo loved him. Even if the icy captain was pushing everyone and everything away, even to a point of abandoning his haori that represented his captaincy, Ichigo would not let him get away.
So Ichigo would find and save the white-haired shinigami and give him a proper scolding.
Maybe after a bruising kiss.
---------------IchiHitsu----------IchiHitsu---------------
"This is my problem. If you are going to get in the way, I'll cut you."
Instantly shunpo-ing away, Ichigo stared unblinkingly at the glistening blade of Hyourinmaru that had slashed across where he had been standing just a split second ago. He had finally managed to track his lover down, had at last come face-to-face with the one who had given him so many heartaches, and now, he was facing an unexpected battle with his prince.
"…Toshiro."
The name was barely above a whisper, the hazelnut eyes wide and disbelieving, but the scowling face of the young prodigy did not reveal anything beyond the obvious fury and determination. Suddenly, the heart-wrenching pain in the teen's chest changed into anger that matched the one on his lover's face and before he could stop himself, Ichigo was shouting at the white-haired shinigami, his hand reaching for Zangetsu's hilt.
"Why are you not trusting your nakamas!"
What am I to you, Toshiro? What were all those touches we shared?
Ichigo beat down the next question that rattled his mind like an earthquake but he would not have been able to ask it anyway, as Hyourinmaru made another swing at him. The teen quickly pulled out his zanpaktou and met the attack that was perfectly aimed to be fatal if not defended against.
Toshiro, stop pushing me away. Please.
It was when the invisible hand returned to have a bit more fun with his already exhausted heart that Ichigo got the first glimpse of his old lover in the ferocious shinigami in front of him. The ache had paralysed him for a brief moment and Hyourinmaru had stilled its deadly dance even if it was barely discernible. The desperate substitute shinigami tried to say something, anything, but in the blink of an eye, the prodigy was already back on the offensive, the long blade now visibly giving off the unearthly chills that belonged to the mythical ruler of ice.
"Toshiro, WHY!"
Then the orange-haired teen saw it in those beautiful teal orbs, reflected by the fierce sparks as their blades clashed again; the sadness of loneliness, the anguish of leaving his comrades, the pain that Ichigo knew all too well -- the heartaches that could only originate from love.
"Tosh…"
However, before Ichigo could grab the wrist that was at last within his arm's reach, a blazing explosion split them apart and thick smoke filled the air, stinging his eyes. He frantically slashed through the earthly curtain, screaming his lover's name, only to come to a complete halt when he heard a raspy whisper so close to his ear.
"…I'm sorry, Ichigo."
"Toshiro!"
Ichigo snapped around, his hands blindingly grasping the sandy air, as the vital pump for his life failed him once more. The flailing of his arms had cut through the thick, hazy veil, and for a second, even the blood stopped running its course as the brown eyes caught a glimpse of the turquoise ones, filled with sorrowful heartache but evident resolve, before they disappeared again right in front of him.
Renji, Rukia and Ishida had just arrived at where they had felt two reiatsus, both belonging to people they certainly knew well of, when the heavy smoke had finally started to disperse into the air. All three of them came to a skidding stop when they saw the orange mob in the middle of the dissipating fog and Rukia instantly ran to the teen's side when she saw him doubled over on the ground, one hand still wrapped around Zangetsu's hilt, the other clutching his chest.
"…Ichigo."
"I'm okay."
Ichigo stood up, replacing Zangetsu on his back, and looked at the worried girl that had changed his life, ultimately giving him the chance to meet the frosty shinigami that provided him with endless happiness, endless pain.
"Kurosaki."
The substitute shinigami turned to look at the only one in the group who knew of his true feeling, the only one who knew what his clutching meant. Ishida, as usual, did not say anything else, simply looking at him with his customary cold eyes and Ichigo nodded unnoticeably. The Quincy merely pushed his glasses up and Ichigo turned around, taking the lead.
"Let's go back."
"Ichigo…"
Ichigo smirked somewhat weakly when he heard the redhead's concern in the single word and continued his way back home. The other three were about to follow him when Renji heard Ichigo murmuring something under his breath and the vice-captain raised an eyebrow when he deciphered what his human friend had just said, earning himself a questioning look from Rukia. Bending down so that he did not have to say it out aloud, Renji whispered into Rukia's ear and the petite girl's expression mirrored her childhood friend's.
"It's only the eighth time."
---------------IchiHitsu----------IchiHitsu---------------
Reiatsus clashed everywhere and the wind was gusty. Even with his non-existent spiritual sense, he could recognise those that were fully let loose, each locked in fierce battles. In the distance, he could see the beautiful Senbonzakura in a pale pink swarm, and from somewhere else, he felt the immense reiatsu of Zaraki Kenpachi that knew of no limit. However, the one that his sense was locked on was the familiar, arctic one that was flaring up on the faithful Soukyouku hill.
The orange-haired teen cursed loudly when the twins Arrancar that had caused the explosion that had let his lover get away from him for the second time.
"Get the fuck out of my way!"
"You will have to stop here."
Strings of swear words escaped the furious teen and Ichigo was just about to send out black Getsuga Tensho when he heard his redhead friend's scream behind him with the familiar screeching sound of Hihiou Zabimaru.
"Ichigo, leave them to us and go!"
"Renji!"
"GO!"
Ichigo nodded and with the speed of his bankai, easily reached the hilltop in the short span of a mere few seconds. The all important organ in his ribcage was for once, out of the grasp of the wrenching hand, simply beating at fast but regular pace to send the liquid of life around his body to give him much needed energy.
The ninth time, he told himself, when he finally arrived where Soukyouku stood imposingly and saw the white tuft that he had dreamt to bury his face in, the tarnished and tattered cloak billowing in the stormy wind. Without wasting even a split second, Ichigo shupoed to right in front of his small lover who had his lithe arm across his face against the gutsy current of air.
"Kurosaki!"
Ichigo felt the small hand that used to run through his orange mess, that used to warm his cheeks as they kissed, landing on his shoulder and he bit his lips down, sharply turning around away from the dainty hand. For the first time since that brief glimpse marred by the hazy fog, the hazelnut eyes met the shaky teal ones, and after a few seconds of silence, Ichigo murmured, his quiet voice barely audible above the threatening, turbulent sound of the angry air.
"It's the tenth time, Toshiro."
The turquoise eyes blinked at him with confusion -and even in these circumstances, Ichigo could not help but think how adorable his yuki hime looked- and the substitute shinigami continued with an exhausted smile on his face, standing just out of his small lover's arm's reach.
"It's the tenth time you made my heart stop, made my heart suffer a vice-like grip. Everything about you is riddled with number ten; you were the tenth to graduate the shinigami academy in a year in its history, you are the tenth division captain, you became a captain when it was Rangiku-san's tenth year as a vice-captain, it was on the tenth of October that we started to go out, it was our tenth date that we kissed for the first time, and the tenth time after that that we spent a night together."
"………"
The fatigue was obvious in the prodigy captain's face, the pain he had endured all alone clear in those emerald jewels; and now sadness and regret were staining them with cerulean hues.
"So I decided to let you do as you want until the toll reached ten. And your number's now up, Toshiro, and I'm not letting you get away this time."
"…Ichigo…"
It was then, only then, that Ichigo finally walked up to the stunned captain and cupped the baby cheek, almost shuddering at the smoothness and warmth that he had direly missed.
"When this is all over, you will have some explaining to do, Hitsugaya Toshiro."
"………"
"And don't you ever, EVER leave me like that."
---------------IchiHitsu----------IchiHitsu---------------
Unohana sighed softly at the scene in front of her, one that she had encountered too many times in the past ten days. The famed prodigy of Gotei 13 was still unconscious in the crisp, pristine bed, which served to make the vibrant-coloured tuft resting on it stand out even further. The kind medic moved around the bed silently and gently shook the teen's shoulder, keeping her voice quiet lest she would disturb the tenth division captain's rest.
"Kurosaki-san."
As usual, the substitute shinigami almost jerked awake even at the lightest touch, wildly looking around. Ichigo ruefully smiled and scratched his head when he saw the warm smile of Unohana.
"Unohana-san."
"Kurosaki-san, as it was clear that you would not listen, I had not been insistent but I should now ask you to take some proper rest."
Anyone who knew Kurosaki Ichigo at a personal level had a tough time imagining the energetic teen actually physically drained but right now, Ichigo showed nothing but exhaustion. Dark bags under his eyes spoilt his features that were too pallid for the medical shinigami's liking but the substitute shinigami only smiled at her.
"It's the tenth day… If he doesn't wake up today, I'll go and get some sleep."
"…Okay, then."
Once the fourth division captain left the room, Ichigo rubbed his eyes and gently shook his head, trying to clear his hazy mind. His hand had a dainty one in its ten-days long hold and he brushed across the soft skin with his thumb as he kissed the porcelain cheek. Brushing a stray hair out of his lover's closed eyes, Ichigo murmured quietly, his soft words rippling the air in the silent room.
"Toshiro… I told you your number was up. You were not allowed to stop my heart for the 11th time, let alone for the 19th time."
Ichigo sighed softly, resting his forehead against the firmly held hand. The images, still vivid even after ten days of no sleep, easily flashed across his mind and the callused hand wrapped around the small one even more tightly than before.
"And don't you ever, EVER leave me like that."
"Is the happy, sappy reunion over yet?"
The substitute shinigami did not even turn around at the snickering voice, his eyes defiantly rooted on his icy prince in front of him. Ichigo could feel his full power returning as his heart was finally released from the painful, twisting, wrenching grip of the dreadful left hand of the mischievous Cupid, and returning to the gentle, warm, content grasp of the glorious right hand.
"And who the fuck are you?"
"Language, my boy. My name, if you must know, is Kusaka Sojiro, and I'm a dear old friend of our Toshiro-kun over there."
Ichigo had not needed to ask if the sly guy's words were true, the trebling gaze of his lover and the sideway glance had been enough of an answer. With no more words, he had shot into the air, Zagetsu menacingly aimed at Toshiro's so-called friend whose eyes widened at the sheer speed and power of the substitute shinigami's attack.
But what a mistake it had been to leave his lover alone.
The enemy had been skilled and Ichigo could have easily labelled it as one of the fiercest battles he had had since the awakening of his spiritual power; and it had been because of that that the orange-haired teen had failed to keep his eye on his errand lover. It was when Kusaga suddenly tensed, his eyes anxiously searching the area, that Ichigo had suddenly realised the pure white spikes were nowhere to be seen.
"Toshiro!"
"Toshiro-kun!"
Two shinigamis screamed out the same name at the same time but the tone was clearly different; one was of dreadful anxiety, desperately searching for the boy, the other of frantic surprise, trying to halt the white blur that was fast approaching a delicately decorated chest on the edge of Soukyouku hill, the long blade of Hyourinmaru aimed right at the centre.
"Wait, stop! Toshiro, stop, you shouldn't…"
Whatever Kusaka was trying to say, flailing his arms, was cut short when the black blade stabbed through him in his chest. However Kusaka's last words were definitely not what Ichigo had expected; the rogue shinigami grasped his killer's shoulder with the last of his strength and spat out a few words, his eyes desperately pleading at the teen.
"Stop… To…shiro… The chest… ex…plode… if disturbed…"
"What!"
It had been too late. When Ichigo had looked up again, the lifeless body of Kusaka sliding down onto the ground from his arms, Hyourinmaru had already pierced the elegant container. Amidst the deafening sounds of blades clashing and kidous exploding, the substitute shinigami frenziedly called out for his lover who seemed to have heard the desperate shouts since he turned around to look at Ichigo.
And Ichigo's heart that Cupid had finally got bored playing with stopped for the eleventh time.
Before either of them could shunpo to anywhere, six beams of light had blasted out of the chest and one of them had rammed through the middle of Toshiro's chest from behind. It was like watching a video in slow-motion, as his lover's turquoise eyes widened to the size of a full moon, the body lifted off the ground from the impact, the back arching, before it fell to the ground with a soft but thundering thud.
"Toshiro!!"
"Ichigo! Where's tai… Taichou! Renji, get Unohana taichou, quick!"
The heart had not simply stopped; it had frozen to its core with deadly chill. Even now, Ichigo did not remember how he had moved from his place to where Toshiro laid in a pool of his own blood that continued to gush out from the gaping hole. All he could do was tightly hold the fast cooling body in his arms, rocking back and forth, whispering his lover's name over and over again, and when Unohana finally arrived at the scene, it had required Rangiku, Renji, Rukia, Ikkaku and Shuuhei to take him off the dying captain and keep him still during the emergency treatment.
The incident was cleared and dusted during the next ten days; Hitsugaya's name was cleared as Yamamoto at last accepted that the prodigy had never betrayed Soul Society and had simply been trying to solve what he deemed as his own problem in his own way, by himself. The injured ones were now mostly healed and discharged and Soukyouku hill was cleared of the broken shards of the chest; the King's Seal in the chest had miraculously remained intact and was stowed away in the place that it was supposed to have been transported to on its arrival at Soul Society.
Only one remained in the black and white film of the past; Hitsugaya Toshiro.
For the first few days, the small captain had come far too close to death too many times, his vitals precariously hanging on a thin line. The injury from the explosion had been fatal enough on its own but on top of it all, the prodigy had been under sheer stress since he came across his supposedly dead friend that it had hard time recuperating. Just in that handful of days, Ichigo's now more than overtaxed heart had stopped nine times, as a swarm of medical shinigamis rushed next to his lover's side, screaming something he did not understand, Unohana's calm but firm voice constantly giving out complicated instructions.
"Toshiro, don't give me a 20th heart attack, I don't think I can cope with it."
"…I'll… try not… to…"
Ichigo snapped up his head, ignoring the loud crack from his neck, at the broken words, the low, authoritative voice raspy and torn. A pair of rather hazy emerald eyes was looking at him apologetically, making his aloof dragon look much out of character. However none of it mattered to the substitute shinigami, who slowly broke out into a tired grin, the hazelnut eyes sparkling with content for the first time in days since his lover had disappeared for the first time.
"You already failed. My heart just stopped for the 20th time."
The chapped lips, still too pale compared to their usual rosy tinge, slightly curled upwards and Ichigo moved to gently sit at the edge of the bed, his free hand running through the marshmallow-soft hair. The eyelids that had only just opened slowly fell down again, the young shinigami obviously still too worn-out, but the turquoise eyes reappeared when the orange-haired teen spoke again.
"It's the tenth day since you almost killed yourself."
Ichigo weakly smiled when he saw his lover smirking just as faintly and let out a sigh, not pained or anguished, a simple long outflow of air.
"Hitsugaya Toshiro, you've got one hell of lecturing piled up for you."
When the teal orbs finally sparkled with amusement and rolled around, Ichigo stopped speaking and bent down, pressing his lips against the cool ones that were at last moving against his own, opening up like a flower that blossomed solely for him.
Well, he did say 'Maybe after a bruising kiss'.