It was about three weeks before summer was over and I was heading back to Chicago for my sophomore year of college. To say that the summer flew by would be an understatement. I tried to keep myself busy hoping I wouldn't run into her and get tongue tied or worse that she wouldn't want to talk to me at all. It had been a year since the breakup and it still hurt like knives to think about. How could something that was so vital in my life be gone over night? That was the question I had found myself asking almost every night since it happened. We both still had strong feelings for each other but I never knew why we weren't back together.
My family and I were vacationing in Florida for a week with my mom's sister and her family. I had spent most of the time running around the beach with my younger cousins and taking them to a few tourist attractions nearby. Their constant laughter and amusement was infectious making it easy to spend hours every day with them.
We had just spent the second to last day before we were heading back home on the beach. I helped James and Taren build a sand castle that would have put all others to shame before we played tag in the ocean. My phone rang as soon as I had closed their bedroom door in the house we had rented. Looking down at the screen, I saw Puck's face and answered it as I was heading to the kitchen.
"Hey man, I told you that you wouldn't make it the week without calling me. I promise I'll be back on Saturday and we can go do something before we both leave town again." I told him as I was reaching into the fridge for a bottle of water while the adults were sitting in the living room with their electronics in front of them. I don't think they got the message that this is a vacation.
"Mike something happened yesterday. Finn had a relapse two days ago. Rachel found some drugs in his room. She asked him about it and said it was from a few months ago. She went back over there the next day and saw him lying on his floor. He over dosed. He didn't survive Mike."
I dropped the bottle of water that I was pulling towards my mouth causing it to spill all over the floor and counter. My parents looked up to me with worry as the tears started to fall from my eyes without permission.
"What or where, I mean are there any arrangements yet? I don't know if, how could this happen? How is this possible? I just saw him a month ago when we all went to the show. Are you sure?" My mom had started to make her way to me while my dad was cleaning up the spilled water. Both were looking at me with long faces knowing something serious was wrong.
"I know man, I can't believe it either. You can look at my room for proof; I think I punched 3 holes in the walls already. Rachel is completely devastated right now. I spent all day with her trying to keep her calm. They had decided a few weeks ago that this was it. They were giving the relationship everything they had and weren't going to run away from each other this time. Rachel had called me as soon as she found out and I went straight to her house to find Quinn already there. Blaine and I are taking it upon ourselves to call everyone in our little circle and letting them know. They are having a funeral Friday at 3 at the church on 7th if you can make it back by then."
"Uh yeah I could just; um I think I can grab a flight out of here early in the morning and make it back in time. I will be there no problem." I told him as my mom was nodding next to me knowing that they would help with whatever it was that was causing me to say I would be going home early. "Ok man, I see you Friday then." "Bye" I hung up the phone and just sat it down on the counter in front of me not even blinking or moving out of my current place.
"Michael what happened?" My mom asked and I could see the tears in her eyes just waiting to escape once I told her the news. Both of my parents had come to know all of the glee kids pretty well during my senior year and this news would cause her grief. Although it wasn't as if it was someone who was dyer to our family like Tina… Nope I stopped that thought right there. Thinking that would have me passing out from actual physical pain. It was bad enough to lose her from next to me but losing her altogether was too much to comprehend. "Finn died of an overdose." Still not moving my body, I looked over to her to see her hand over her mouth and the tears finally rolling down her cheeks. My dad put one arm around my mom and started to put the other around me when I grab my phone and headed out the back door to the beach.
I had walked for a few hours just back and forth with my mind completely blank. How was I supposed to do anything right now? I had just lost one of my closest friends for good and all I was left with was this grief. How could I go back to my home town knowing I will never again see Finn walking down the street or never see him marry Rachel in front of all of us which I always knew would happen? Rachel. I had been so focused on how I was processing all of this that I hadn't even begun to think about poor Rachel. Puck had said that her and Finn were finally giving their relationship all the attention it deserved just to have this happen. How is that fair? To finally get to the starting point of how you want to spend the rest of your life only to have it taken away from you. The thought made my stomach hurt.
I didn't realize what time it was until I saw the sun rising over the ocean and knew I had spent all night out here and didn't even feel a little tired; almost like it would be a waste to close my eyes for something as mundane as sleep. A few minutes later my mom came out on the deck bringing me a cup of coffee setting in down next to me on the table.
"Your father booked you a seat on the 9am plane heading back to Ohio. We are going to go ahead and stay for the rest of the vacation cleaning up the house for when we turn the keys in tomorrow afternoon. We are heading back home after that instead of staying till Saturday. We won't make it back in time for the funeral but please give my condolences to Carol and Burt. They lost a wonderful son and I can't imagine what they are going through." She was talking to me and could feel the words going in one of my ears and then out the other but each word brought me closer to tears. I leaned towards her then full on crying. "How can he be gone mom? It isn't fair to any of us to lose him." I said as she just hugged me while pushing my hair back with her hand. "I know sweetheart. I'm so sorry he is gone. I don't have anything to say that could even begin to help this situation." We sat like that until it was time for me to pack up my stuff and head to the airport.
It was almost one when I made it to Lima and quickly found a taxi to take me home. I had thought about calling to see if someone could give me a lift home but was afraid I would be bothering them from doing something to help with the funeral. As the taxi drove through the town, I could already see signs hanging in windows, churches, and our high school saying how much they miss the town's quarterback Finn Hudson. Each one was a new stab as if we couldn't forget the news even if we wanted to. "Did you know Mr. Hudson?" The taxi driver asked. "Uh yeah, I went to school with him." "He was a good kid. It really is a shame." "Yeah it is"
My house was just like the rest of the town; darker. Somehow my always pleasant home had turned into a ghostly shade of gray while I was gone. It was almost as if it knew the sadness that I was feeling. All of the lights were off and the halls were completely quite. Strangely it was comforting. I knew that I would have to see everyone tomorrow and give them all my condolences and talk to all of my friends; a night in alone sounded pretty great.
I had decided to order a pizza and watch the DVD that Artie had made for all of us last year. It seemed like the perfect way to hold on to all of the happy memories past for just one more night before the crazy day that I would be facing tomorrow.
Putting in the DVD, I remembered the last time I had watched it. It was the night after I had graduated. Rachel and her dads had held a party at her house inviting only the glee kids. Artie had surprised all of us with one for each one of us. He had gathered up all the footage that had been shot of everything we had did and or recorded over the last three years. This way we can always go back to our high school days was what he had told us when he had turned the player on.
"Hey everyone", Finn said as the first clip was starting. "My name is Finn Hudson. You are one of the luckiest people right now because you are about to watch the very first performance from the New Directions. That might not mean much right now but I promise one day we are going to be awesome and this tape will be worth millions." He then ran back up to the stage where all of the other original members were standing there already with their backs facing the camera with their red shirts on.
"I really like the new dance Mr. Shue has us doing for this song. It's like he actually wants us to get it on with the Cheerios in class." Puck was saying as we were sitting in the chairs in glee watching the girls learn their steps from Brittany. "Is sex all you ever think about? What about true love?" You could hear Kurt ask and then saw Finn flash the camera in his direction to see him adjusting his wig for the hair number we were learning. "Oh pipe down Madonna. You're just jealous that you're not the stud like I am." Puck replied moving his eyes back to Santana who you could see was doing a booty shake in his direction.
The camera moved back to watching the girls practice until you heard Finn's voice. "What are you looking at Mike?" He asked and then the camera moved again to look at me and towards the direction I was looking. "I wasn't looking at anything." I said dipping my head to the ground. It was too late though. The camera had flashed to the spot where Tina was dancing to the choreography in her tight gym clothes. "Female Chang? You could totally tap that if you wanted." Puck said holding up a high five. The camera perfectly caught it when I pushed his chair then causing him to flip backwards. You could hear his voice off the camera then. "Damn ninja"
"That was some pretty killer dancing out there Chang." Finn said holding the camera up again as we were in the locker room changing out of our clothes from Dream a Little Dream. I was sitting on a bench untying my shoes with my shirt unbuttoned. "Thanks Finn but coming from you that's not saying much. You are a killer voice but your dancing just stinks." I told him jokingly. "The ninja strikes again. This time with deadly words but no seriously your dancing is really bad." Puck said coming to sit next to me on the bench. "These two guys are my best friends hard to believe." Finn said into the camera then before flashing it back to us. "Seriously, how was it dancing like that with female Chang? I would love to be able to hold her like that. I think the Puckerone could do her some good." "She is a really good dancer." I replied but it was clear they knew more. "Wait a second, do you have a thing developing for female Chang?" Puck asked staring me down. "Her name is Tina and I'm not sure I…" I started to answer and there was another voice off screen. "You guys talking about Tina?" Finn turned the camera to see Artie wheeling right up next to us. "Yeah, I was just telling Finn that her choreography for this song was amazing." I answered hoping not to piss off her actual boyfriend. "It was pretty great." He said before wheeling off again. "Can I have your nun chucks when you become road kill?" Puck asked before I had punched him again.
We were at Regionals my sophomore year of high school waiting back stage for the group to finish for us to head out to the risers to wait for Finn and Rachel. One of the numbers the other group was doing was Single Ladies. Santana was holding up a camera while Matt, Puck, Brittany, Tina, and I were dancing along with the song. The two girls were great. I was adding a few extra moves while Puck just looked like an idiot.
I found myself laughing out loud in my empty house at this clip. It was something I had always thought back to when I needed a good laugh. The next clip however had been a big surprise to Tina and me when we had seen this. Enough so that if caused both of us to spit out the soda we had just drank.
"So Ms. Berry, where would you like to go on our first date?" Finn asked as he was filming her while they walked down one of the McKinley halls. "We got last place Finn." "Yes but we have another year to try again and we have all summer to go on cute little dates." "Yeah that's true!" Rachel said and then you heard Tina's voice. "If it bothers you so much when I call about another fight that Artie and I have, then I will just stop talking to you altogether." She said and Finn peaked the camera around the corner so you saw Tina and me talking in the same spot where Mr. Shue had kissed Emma earlier that year. It was the last day of school. We had just left the classroom after we found out we had another year of glee.
"You know that is not it at all. I like talking to you. I just think you should dump Artie if he gives you so many problems." I told her as she stood in front of me. "Why now? Why do you care so much about this now? I have been telling you everything for months and nothing. All you have said is that it should get better. What changed your opinion now?" "You should know. If you pay any attention to me you should know that answer. I'm falling for you Tina. Haven't you ever wondered why I stare at you so much or why I talk with you until 3am or why I come running if ever you need something?" "You like me? But how is that possible? You could have anyone in the school you want. Why me" I had taken her hands in mine then. "You are amazing Tina. Everything about you is out of this whole amazing. I want nothing more than you to forget Artie and give this a chance. I would never treat you the way he does." Tears had started to fall from her eyes just as her phone rang.
"Hello" "Hey babe, I was wrong the Halo marathon is tomorrow so I'm all yours tonight. Want to come over to my house and watch a movie?" Artie asked as Tina just stared at me. "Sure, I'll be right over." She hung the phone up never taking her eyes off of me. "Im with Artie, Mike" She said causing my own tears to form. "Would you at least come with me to camp in two weeks if things don't get any better?" "Ok, if things don't get better with Artie, I promise I'll go to camp with you. I just know that if I do go with you, I will fall in love with you." "That's what I'm counting on." I told her kissing her hand and then walking off the other direction.
The camera moved back to Rachel who was flat up against the wall trying to stay hidden. "No one can know this Finn. This stays between us." "Got it!" He replied. Everyone had turned to see Artie's expression at the party to see what he would say after this clip. Everyone had assumed that it was during the summer that Tina and I had found our way to each other. This was the first time everyone found out that wasn't the case. "Seriously people, they have been dating for two years and talk about their lives when they are married. I think its ok now." Artie had said in response to everyone's looks and pointing back to the video.
A few clips later came another one of my favorites. I was helping Finn put together a dance in Kurt's honor during the wedding reception. "Does the red light mean that I'm recording?" You heard Brittany ask as the camera was coming into focus to see me trying to teach Finn how to dance. "I think this is the best we are going to get out of you Finn." I told him with him frowning back at me. "Was that an insult?" He asked letting go of my hand and turning back to Rachel. "Yes, my turn to dance with the Asian God." Puck shouted and quickly turned to dance with me now. Halfheartedly, I took his hand and gave him a funny look. "Really Puckerman?" "Hey, if you are giving out free dances I want one too."
"Can I please dance with my boyfriend now?" Tina asked walking up to us. "No way, wait your turn." Puck replied as we started to make another turn. Just when we did, Tina slipped in between us and pushed Puck out of the way with her back. "Holy crap! She's a ninja too! We are so screwed." Puck answered as he was walking back to where Santana was. It was hilarious how much Puck really did believe that I was a ninja I thought to myself as another clip was starting.
"That is right! Me and Finn here are the reason this halftime show is going to kick ass. You all can thank us later." Puck was saying while they were getting the last of their costume makeup together for the show as Sam was filming them. "Do I look scary enough?" One of the other players had asked Finn who dropped off of camera to help. "Hey where did Chang go?" Puck asked as he walked off as well leaving only Artie in the frame. "Get ready to be completely blown away by my version of Mr. Michael Jackson everybody!" Artie shouted as we heard quiet but serious talking going on right on the other side of the lockers. The two boys moved then to see Puck sitting next to me with our backs facing the camera.
"She shouldn't have been out there in the first place. If I wouldn't have talked about this game so much; then she wouldn't have thought she had to play. It is my fault." I said in a low strained voice. You couldn't tell by the camera but I was fighting tears. "Seriously Chang, it is not your fault she got tackled. We both know that Tina does what she wants to do. She went out their wanting to play and when that happens there is a chance of being tackled." "She is tiny compared to all of them. To see her lying there without moving or talking I… What if she didn't wake… It was too much to risk for a stupid game. Now she still wants to go perform. What if she has a concussion or worse and we won't know it because we are performing?" "Listen, most of her routine is right next to me. I will have eyes on her at all times. If I see her start to act funny or sick, I will pick her up and carry her off the field. I will watch her until you can." "Thanks man" The camera has zoomed back down to Artie then. "We all need to keep an eye on her." He said before you heard Sam, "Yeah we will"
That clip had earned me a kiss on the check from Tina who was sitting in my lap the whole time during the original viewing. It was after this one that I had decided to take a break and head to the bathroom before watching the rest of it.
I finally started to feel sleepy when the clip of the guys in the gym playing basketball came on right after Finn and Rachel had announced their engagement to us. "You really support this?" Sam asked me as he checked me the ball. "I really do. I know what it's like to fall in love with the person you are meant to be with in high school." "Yeah but we all expect that from you and Tina. These two break up on a daily basis." Puck said trying to take the ball away from Sam. "I'm not saying it's easy with Tina, we fight all the time too. We just learn and grow with each fight. I know that I'm going to propose to Tina one day to and hope you guys give me support then. Finn and Rachel have grown together and I think they are closer to where they should be than before.
Finn had stopped the game then to look at me. "What is that supposed to mean?" "The first time you guys broke up was because you were bored and wanted more. Even from the beginning, I knew this relationship with Tina wasn't going to be a brief high school thing. As time went on, it got harder to imagine not being around her and never wanted more than her. It got to the point that when it hit me that I was completely in love with her that it left me speechless. The thought of not being able to see her every second or see her beautiful eyes looking at me left me breathless. It hit at a time of pain and it caused me to question everything." "You realized how much you loved her when she was tackled." Puck realized and interrupted me.
"Yep, the thought of her never opening her eyes again to look at me or never hear her laugh again had paralyzed me. I knew right then and there that I would give everything including my own life to protect her. That type of love is something that grows in time. I know that I will stand in front of all of you to become her husband one day and that I will be running around teaching our children how to play football in my future. If I never dance again I will be ok because I will have her. When she is the only thing that matters, that is when you know you are ready for an engagement or marriage." I finished talking to look over to see Sam and Puck with their arms around each other. "I love you man", Puck told Sam. "I love you", Finn threw the ball at them. "Ok let's play now." Sam said while Finn looked even more confused now.
Everyone was watching this clip but I was watching Tina. I had remembered what I had said and meant every word of it. I had been more curious to see Tina's reaction to my words. The tears started rolling down her cheek within a few words of my confession and I knew right away they were happy tears. It wasn't until the clip was over that she slowly turned to look at me. "I feel the same way you know. I would do anything for you." She said with her voice becoming scratchy. "You won't have to ever. I won't let you." It was then that she turned herself all the way in my lap so she was straddling me in the recliner that we were sitting in to kiss me. "Seriously guys! There is only about 20 minutes left. Can you please keep in in your pants until the end?" Finn had asked us while Rachel hit play again.
"WE WON NATIONALS!" Puck was running around shouting while Sam was shooting us all standing outside of the bus getting ready to head back to the hotel. "So Mike and Tina, you just helped the New Directions win nationals, what are you going to do next?" He asked trying to sound like a professional voice over. "I plan on sneaking into my girlfriend's hotel room to celebrate tonight." I had said before I turned to wrap her in my arms and kiss her. "Dude, I'm going to send this to my parents back home." "Oh well then I mean that I we are going to celebrate by reviewing the footage to help improve for next year." "Damn kinky Asians are going at it like rabbits again." You heard Santana shout and it was the last think I remember before I fell asleep.
Not sleeping the night before had caught up to me then and I didn't wake up until noon the next day. Watching the film was the perfect way to get me to calm down enough to sleep considering what I was going to have to do today. Slowly I moved off the couch and walked into the kitchen. The idea of eating almost made me feel nauseous. I grabbed a handful of crackers and some hot tea before heading up to my room.
Jumping into the shower was in its own form relaxing. I just stood there for the longest time letting the steam fill up the room hoping it would take away some of the pain I was feeling. Once I felt the water start turning cold I knew the hope was a waste of energy and started to finish up.
The hardest part of getting ready though was standing in front of my closet trying to figure out what to wear. What do you wear to go see one of your best friends for the last time? What do you wear to go tell him bye and that it was a fun ride? What do you wear while you have to stand there and listen to his family cry because they will never see their son again? What do you wear when you are too numb to care?
After deciding to go with black pants, vest, and shoes with a white shirt and deep red tie; I made my way out to my jeep to head to the church. Once again I had to see all of the memorials set up around town in Finn's honor hoping to keep his spirit alive. Everyone knew the guy that I had known. They didn't know about this thing that was living deep inside of him that caused him to overdose in the long run. I hoped right then that no one would ever remember him that way. Ever.
The church's parking lot was already full of cars waiting to pay tribute to this wonderful man who left us way too soon. I found a place in the middle of the lot and pulled in. Taking one last breath before opening the car door to what waited for me inside the church was a lot harder than I had thought it would be. I was able to though and quickly opened the door to jump out before I lost my nerve. Making my way to the doors, I saw many faces that seemed familiar to me. There were teachers and people around town that I had known but never talked to. The new glee kids were sitting on some benches outside the door with tears streaming down their faces.
I walked in to the church and saw the congregation pews to my right through the opened double doors and the casket was up in front. Behind it was a screen that had a power point being shown with pictures of Finn. Taking in another hard breath, I walked through the doors and saw everyone then.
Standing next to the casket was Carol with Kurt on her left while Blaine was holding his hand. On her right was Rachel but sadly it didn't look like the Rachel that quickly became one of his good friends four years ago with Puck standing close behind her while she looked at Finn's face just lying there. Up front but to the side behind them was everyone else in a circle. Sam was standing there next to Quinn holding her hand and some tissues, Mercedes was standing next to Artie with one hand on his shoulder while he held it, Santana was holding Brittany as she was crying hysterically on her shoulder, and then there was Tina. She was wearing the same dress she wore to Jean's funeral with her hair pulled up the same way. There were no tears in her eyes. She just looked at the ground not blinking. It wasn't her. Looking at her was like looking at her shell. I knew that she didn't know how to process all of this and that caused her to look broken. "Mike"
I turned around to see Mr. Shue and Burt walking towards me. They both gave me small hugs before taking a step back. "I'm so sorry for your loss Burt." I told him surprised that my voice wasn't broken. "Thanks Mike, that means a lot. He really was a great kid. He might have had some issues but he was really great. I know Puck had forgotten to mention it to you when he called, but we were hoping you would be a pall bearer." "Yes of course, whatever you guys need." I had told them, honored that I could honor Finn in this way. "Thanks. You will be walking across from Sam. Santana, Blaine, Puck, Mr. Shue, Coach Beiste, and Sue will also be helping out. All of them have offered." Burt said sadly but was honored that so many loved his son.
"How is everyone doing?" I had asked them. "Carol and Rachel have been a wreck but are doing much better than they have been." Burt answered and then looked to Mr. Shue. "All of the glee kids are devastated but seem to be doing ok given the situation. The only one I'm concerned about is Tina." He said and that caught my attention. "What's wrong with her?" I asked trying my best to stay calm. "She hasn't cried yet. Usually Tina is the first one to show her emotions but not this time. It is really starting to concern Emma." He told me and I looked up to her direction then. She was staring at me. It was like I would disappear if she took her eyes off of me. Her eyes were wide but still had the same look of emptiness to them. "I think I'm going to head up there and say hello to them." I told the two men only breaking my connection with Tina for a moment to look their direction. They both patted my shoulder before walking away.
As soon as they left me, I started to walk down the aisle towards her. I watched as she excused herself from the group without breaking her eyes away from me. Walking straight towards me, her hands were placed on the small of her back as she finally broke the stare to look at the ground. It wasn't until she was feet away from me that she started to shake her head and her eyes started to well up. As soon as she reached me, she wrapped her arms as tightly as she could around me and started to cry against my chest. I wrapped one of my arms around her and the other held her head close to me for her to know that she was safe. Bending my head down to kiss the top of hers, I heard Emma say from behind me, "She needed her Mike."
We stood like that for a few minutes. I didn't care about anything else right then. She needed me and I wasn't going anywhere. A few people had waved or said hi to me and all I did was barely wave to them not really paying attention. It wasn't until the minister asked everyone to take a seat that I started to move. I slowly moved my arms from around her even though it felt wrong. She didn't though. Tina tucked herself under my arm for us to move to a pew.
We took our seats in the front row behind his family. Tina sat next to Quinn who was tucked under Sam's arm as the minister started the service. I thanked silently the person who put tissues in every row. Now that Tina had started crying, it didn't seem like she would stop anytime soon. As the minister talked, it was quickly causing the room to start to spin. It all seemed too surreal. We were supposed to get together for parties and celebrations, not funerals. My heart was actually aching and it took everything I had to keep the feeling of passing out at bay. The only thing that kept me grounded to this moment was the feel of Tina's hand in mine. It was warm and trembling. Absent mindly, I began drawling circle on the back of her hand as she squeezed my hand back.
"At this time, I would like to welcome Mr. Shue to say a few words about Finn." The minister said before he stepped back. Mr. Shue stood up from his seat at the end of the front row and made his way to the podium.
"Finn Hudson… He was a wonderful young man. Sometimes things happen in life that you can't explain. I will never be able to explain why I first heard his voice in the locker room but I will never regret it. If that moment wouldn't have happened, I wouldn't have known him as well as I had. I never would have been blessed with opportunity to see this wonderful young man grow into a man. I never would have seen him fall in love, make mistakes, and learn lessons that every man needs to know. Finn had many great loves in his life sports, music, family, and our very own club but no of those things compared to his love for Rachel. I saw when the whirlwind known as Rachel Berry took Finn by storm and he was never the same. They were just like every other couple with their ups and downs but they were soul mates. The world has lost my brother, my son, my friend and it will never be the same without him. We are left with his memories now. It is our job to make sure that everyone remembers our friend the way it should be. He was just simply an amazing wonderful young man."
Mr. Shue sat down then just as Puck stood up from next to Rachel to grab his guitar and take a seat on the stool next to the podium where another microphone had been set up.
I dreamed I was missing,
You were so scared
But no one would listen
'Cause no one else cared
Puck was doing a better job than I could right now. He was always able to play his guitar perfectly no matter what the circumstance and this was just proving that point. It was clear how much he had been crying these last few days as his voice was giving off the rocker's voice he had always wanted so many years ago.
After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here?
This song was perfect to my thoughts that were running through my mind on the way here. Finn was such an amazing person to be remembered for something so cruel. He didn't ask for this to happen anymore than Kurt asked to be gay. We shouldn't dwell on the cause of him leaving us but celebrate his life he spent with us.
So if you're asking me
I want you to know
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
The screen was showing some of the footage from the DVD now. It was of the group as we were dancing around in our pajamas right after winning Nationals. We had all made it back to the hotel and were having a mini party. It was funny to see Finn trying so hard to dance when it was uncheorographed. I almost felt guilty but looked next to me to see everyone else had the same teary smiles.
Forgetting all the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come
And save me from myself
I can't be who you are
This last clip was a new one. It was one of Rachel and Finn on graduation night. Someone was filming the two of them while they were posing for pictures with their families still in their cap and gowns. Kurt popped in and out a few times but it was clear that Rachel and Finn didn't care. You could see the love between the two of them. They really weren't aware of much more than themselves at that point.
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Forgetting all the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come
And save me from myself
I can't be who you are
I can't be who you are
The last picture was one of Finn and Rachel in their wedding gear standing with their parents. We know now how much their parents didn't want the wedding to happen but you couldn't tell by the picture. It looked like a perfect family picture at a real wedding.
Puck put his guitar down and tried to dry his eyes without drawing too much attention to himself. "At this time I invite everyone to come forward and say their goodbyes." The minister announced and everyone in the back few rows starting coming forward. I just sat there looking forward watching old football players, teachers, and people that just knew him from around town. The tears from around me had eased up a little as people were giving the immediate family hugs and best wishes. Tina still had her grip on my hand while everyone started to move around a little as if they were stuck still during the ceremony.
"He will be severely missed." Principal Higgins said clasping Carol's hands and walking around the far side of the church. All that were left in the church now were those of us sitting in the first three rows. The first up were Sue, Coach, Mercedes, Artie, Joe, Sugar, and Rory who had flown in just for the funeral. They all made their way up to the casket to say their goodbyes. One by one they walked by our dear friend before giving Rachel and Kurt long tearful hugs. They moved over to the side for our row to go say goodbye to Finn. I was sitting at the end of the row, so I moved to get up first and let go of Tina's hand. She wouldn't let me.
She dug her fingers into the back of my hand. I turned back to look at her and saw the panic threating to come back across her face. Whether she would ever admit it, she needed me. We walked together up to the front together. I felt her starting to tremble so I pulled her arm up under my shoulder to hold her close to me. Together we made it to the casket.
He looked like he was sleeping with really bad costume makeup on. It was clear though that our friend was gone. Finn wasn't here anymore. Our Finn couldn't have stayed still this long. Our Finn would be trying to bring a smile to everyone's face right now. Our Finn wouldn't let us cry this much. "Aloha Finn, I can't say goodbye to you. I'm just going to say aloha because we will see you again someday. We will watch out for Rachel and make sure she is ok. All you need to do now is enjoy the show." Tina said as quiet as a whisper. "Aloha buddy, save us a spot up there with you. We will see you again." Tina wrapped her arms around my waste again then as we started to move to the family.
We first came across Carol and each gave her a long hug. Burt was sitting next to her trying to be supportive to both her and Kurt. We let Kurt cry on our shoulder a little before shaking Blaine's hand. Rachel was a different story. She looked about the same as Tina did when I first walked in the door. It was a blank stare but going through all the motions. She gave us our hugs and thanked us for our condolences but that was it.
After going through the front row, we made our way over to the side where everyone else had been standing. Sam and Quinn had come to stand by us as we waiting for the rest to say their last words to Finn. Carol and Rachel were the last to step forward. Carol bent over and kissed his forehead while Rachel just played with his hair. You could see their mouths moving but couldn't hear what they were saying. Tears were falling out of both sets of eyes and it almost seemed inappropriate to be watching.
I was in the process of looking down when the two ladies both placed their kisses on his face and walked over to us with their arms linked. Rachel's dads had their arms waiting for her and Burt was waiting for Carol. As the two of them were walking back, they had closed the lid while the two most important people in his life weren't looking. They laid his letterman jacket on the top of the casket and pushed it out from the wall.
"I need to pall bearers to line up now please." The funeral director announced. Everyone in our little group had started to move up to the casket or to let others through. I was releasing my hold on Tina when she let out a small whimper and the panic was coming back. Seeing her like this was torture but I had to go up there. "Tina, can you walk with me? I don't think I can on my own." Quinn asked her around her own tears. Tina took her hand and the panic was subsiding a little for now.
Blaine and Santana were the first ones to line up at his feet. Next was Sam and I followed by Puck and Mr. Shue then Sue and Coach. Artie was leading the way for us as we made our way through the crowd heading out of the church. They had formed two lines and watched as we carried him out. We made the turn out in the parking lot to walk down the small hill that lead out to his plot. I saw behind us then that everyone was following us almost in uniform. First were Rachel and Kurt with Carol and Burt right next to them. Following behind them were the rest of the glee kids and the other parents. Quinn and Tina were holding on to each other as if they would fall apart without each other.
We made it to the plot and placed the casket down with the greatest care we could. As soon as I laid him down, I went to find Tina and it wasn't hard. Quinn and her were standing behind the row of chairs were the family had sat. I moved through the crowd to stand next to her and took her hands in mine again.
"This is a hard time for everyone here. The passing of anyone is never easy but it is clear that this young man was deeply loved. I speak for the family and thank every single one of you for coming out today to pay respects. You are all welcome to join the family with a lunch back up in the church. Go with God." "Amen" Everyone said together before they started departing and heading back to the church. Those of us who were immediate to him though stayed perfectly still until everyone else was gone. It was an awkward silence for a minute as no one knew what to do next until we heard a familiar voice. It was cracked and rough but familiar.
My hands are searching for you
My arms are outstretched towards you
I feel you on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for you
Rachel had started singing. It clearly was not her normal voice but it was still amazing. It was clear she was still processing all of this happening but this would help. She always put every emotion she was feeling into a song. Even though this situation was a crappy one, it still needed a Rachel Berry song.
This fire rising through my being
Burning I'm not used to seeing you
I'm alive, I'm alive
I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing
My hands float up above me
And you whisper you love me
And I begin to fade
Into our secret place
We all started to hum the tune. We were all letting Rachel know that she isn't alone. We were letting her know that we had her back. We always would.
I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing
So I cry
The light is white
And I see you
You could hear some anger and urgency coming out in her voice. She wasn't singing a song anymore. She was talking to Finn.
Take my hand
I give it to you
Now you own me
All I am
You said you would never leave me
I believed you
I believed…
"I believed you Finn Hudson! I believed you! You said we were going to be together forever now. I believed you!" Rachel shouted before she broke down crying hysterically. Puck was hugging her as her dads had their hands wrapped around her too. It clear that Rachel was in the anger part of grieving. She is mad at Finn for leaving her. "Maybe we should head up to the church." I said towards Tina, Sam, and Quinn as they nodded. We walked up the hill as the other gleeks were following us leaving the family to say goodbye in peace.
As soon as we got back into the church we headed to the reception area. There was a long table against the far wall with food and drinks set up buffet style. The other glee parents were there making sure there was enough on the platters and helping with any requests. Everyone else had already sat down at the tables spread out across the floor eating and talking.
Tina and I made our way up to the food tables even though I still wasn't very hungry. I grabbed a plate with my free hand while Tina grabbed some silverware. She hadn't let go of my arm yet and it didn't look like she would anytime soon. Honestly, that was more than ok with me anyway. Even though this is the saddest I have ever had; it was nice having her so close to me again. It was amazing to have her wrap herself around me again, to hold my hand, and just to know what my next step was going to be. It was great but I feared what was going to happen this evening. What was going to happen when it was time to go home? I had been hoping this day would be over quick like a band aid because of the sadness but I found myself hoping it lasts just a little bit longer.
"How are you kids holding up?" Santana's mom had asked us as I was putting some watermelon on our plate that we were sharing. "Probably about as good as one can. I haven't had a chance to talk to Santana yet. How is she holding up?" I asked her afraid Tina wouldn't be able to say much. She still had tears coming down every once in a while. "The same as you guys. Finn and Santana had a special little friendship and that I think is what is getting to her. He always went out of his way to help her when she was low. Part of her feels she didn't try hard enough but the truth is that there wasn't anything different she could have done that everyone else hadn't tried." "We did all try our best to help him. At least he is in a better place now." Tina said in a whisper of a voice earning a head nod from Santana's mom.
We moved to sit next to Sam, Quinn, Artie, Mercedes, Brittany, and Santana. At first, we all sat in silence nibbling at our food like rabbits. "Do you think he is happy now?" Brittany asked. We all just kind of looked at each other for a minute trying to decide how to answer this question that seemed so simple. "I think he is happy to be away from all the bad stuff but that he really misses us." Quinn answered and was surprised at how perfect it really was. It was a great thought to think of Finn like that. "I'm really going to miss him. He really was a great guy." Mercedes spoke softly earning head nods from everyone at the table. "How is everyone handling everything? All I know is from what Puck had told me the other day." I asked. "Obviously Carol and Kurt are upset that he is gone. To them it's a matter of they are never going to be a whole family again. Burt is tearful for losing a son but is trying to be strong and not break down for everyone else. I think I can speak for everyone when I say we are just in shock and can't believe he is gone. That he is gone for good." Sam answered for the group.
"Rachel though is much worse than all of us." Quinn chimed in. "The night she found him, she called me right away. Her dad was standing at the door waiting for me. I ran in the living room to see her shaking curled up on the floor. I pulled her into a hug and just let her cry. Shortly after that, Puck had arrived and just sat there holding both of us for hours. It was 5 hours later before she had started to talk. She didn't want to believe he was gone and that it was a bad nightmare. Up until this morning, she was devastated to never see him again or hear his voice. When I got to her house to help her get ready, I noticed she wasn't the same. She wasn't sad that he was no longer here but kept saying that she was fine. Now I know she had been angry at him for leaving her."
The family had walked in the door then. Carol was starting to go around and thank everyone for coming, Burt and Rachel's parents went to get a bite, Kurt and Blaine were walking over to us, and Rachel just walked over to the far corner and sat down with Puck close behind her. "Hey guys", Blaine said when they made it to the table. Kurt was standing next to Mercedes who leaned in to him for a hug. "How are you holding up Kurt?" Quinn asked. "Ok I guess. I have spent my whole life wanting a brother and when I finally get one, he gets taken away from me." "I thought he was doing better." Santana spoke up finally. "He had been clean for months, about the time that Rachel had agreed to be in this thing for real. It was about two weeks ago that he had gone to a party with Puck. They discovered there were drugs there and Puck did his best to get them both out as soon as he could. Three days ago, Rachel came over and found some in his room and through a fit. She had given him a kiss and told him that she loved him but she was going to go ahead home because she was mad. Thinking she had all of it, she grabbed what she had found and flushed it when she got home. The next day she came over and found him on the floor."
"I'm actually surprised she isn't blaming Puck for all of this by taking him to the party." Blaine said pulling up a chair. "She knows it wasn't his fault. Puck didn't know that stuff was going to be there and it was Finn's illness. We did everything we could and he still found his way to it." Quinn chimed in causing everyone to go silent for a while. I was too quiet again but Tina's hand resting on my leg was enough to keep me grounded in the moment.
Everyone who wasn't super close to Finn had left already. The other parents had already started to clean up the parts of the room that were now vacant. All of our friends that had been sitting at our table had gotten up and were around talking to others. Tina and I were the only ones that were still sitting. "Do you want to go outside and get some fresh air?" I asked her only to see her nod and move her hand from my leg to my hand.
We stood up and headed outside. It was amazing to feel the sun hit me as soon as we did. Everything had been so gray today that it was nice to see that the sun could still shine. "This feels really nice." Tina said clearly enjoying the heat as much as I was. "Yeah it does", I told her leading us to a small bench on the other side of a large bush near the front doors. "Rachel? Are you ok?" Tina asked as we noticed that Rachel was already sitting there. Tina moved in to sit in the middle of the bench with me following her.
"Yeah, I'm ok. Thank you for coming, I know I'm being a bad hostess." She answered wiping her cheek again. "None of us care about that. All we care about is you. How are you doing?" Tina asked again. Rachel pulled her eyes from the sidewalk in front of her to look at Tina. "I'm a mess. How is this happening? We were soul mates who were ready to start our forever together. All I got was 4 months of my forever. I know that sounds selfish and I should be grateful for our time together but it isn't fair. We were supposed to have babies and grow old together." She said as more tears fell. Tina had pulled her into a hug and I held my hand on hers. "You know we are here for anything right? Seriously, just call and we all will come running." I told her and she nodded against Tina's shoulder.
A few minutes had gone by of the three of us just sitting and staring ahead of us not really looking at anything. "I shouldn't have let him call things off last year. I should have chosen him over New York." Rachel said absentmindly. "If you would have you never would have gone to New York and had the incredible year you had last year." Tina replied. "It doesn't seem so incredible now. Now it just seems like a year of stuff that kept me away from Finn. I should have been here with him. He was where my heart belongs or belonged. For the rest of my life, even though I know I will find another love, I will wish I had stayed here with him. This feeling I have that I had the love of my life within reach this whole time and didn't spend every second I could with him. It makes me physically sick. Why would anyone including myself live a life without your soul mate if you have already found them?" Rachel finished looking at Tina now but her words hit home to me in every way.
"Hey, there you guys are." Santana called from the other side of the bush looking right at us. "I'm going to go grab Brittany and Mercedes and then we can head on out. Here are the keys for the car." She handed them to Tina before turning to Rachel. "I love you Rachel. We will all get ourselves and you through this." She said before heading back inside. "I guess it's time to go. Are you going to be ok out here?" Tina asked Rachel as she stood up. This time it was me who wouldn't let go of her hand. The moment between me and Tina that I had feared today was about to happen. "Oh yeah, I'll be fine. I'll see you Sunday night for the slumber party." Rachel told her as they exchanged one more hug. "I will be there with hair dye and pizza."
We walked the short distance to the SUV that was clearly Santana's from the color red and the license plate that said SANTANZ. Tina walked up to the passenger side door that was facing the church and opened the door. "Thank you for getting me through today. It just didn't feel real until I saw you walk through the door. I knew that once I saw you, it would be real and that you would help me. I never meant to fall apart like that in front of you." "You know I don't care about that; all I care about is you. How are you doing?" "I think I will be ok now. The tears just needed to run their course and let me miss him today. It was really great to have you here today too. I was nervous about seeing you at first but that quickly changed to just needing you to be here to help me." "I was pretty nervous about seeing you too but I'm glad I did. It felt just like old times again. I missed that." "I missed that too." The three girls were walking out of the church then with Puck and Rachel had walked over to them. "I guess it really is time to go though, bye Mike." She said letting go of my hand.
That was like sticking my hand in freezing cold water. It physically stung not having her touching me in some way. She had closed the door but the window was down as she gave me a forced smile. All the words Rachel had just said were hitting me all over again.
I don't need a lot of things,
I can get by with nothing
I started to sing very slowly in almost a whisper. I saw her look to me as if I was losing my mind at first but you could see that she was starting to understand what was going on.
Of all the blessings life can bring,
I've always needed something
But I've got all I want
When it comes to loving you
You're my only reason,
You're my only truth
I was singing as loud as I could now looking straight at her never breaking eye contact. She had to know this; it couldn't wait anymore.
I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From Heaven's gate
There's a freedom in your arms
That carries me through
I need you
Brittany, Santana, and Mercedes were starting to walk to the car then filling in the gaps with the da-da-das that go along with the song. It was clear that Tina was still trying to fight this. Risking everything I could, I opened the car door and pulled her face into my hands.
I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From Heaven's gate
There's a freedom in your arms
That carries me through
I need you
"I need you Tina. Rachel was right, if you have found your soul mate, there is no reason good enough to stay away from them. I need you in my life always." Tina was crying and trying to shake her head. "You are still in Chicago, Mike. We can't have a long distance relationship. It's too hard." "You don't get it Tina. I don't care if I ever go back to Chicago. If I break both of my legs today and never dance again it wouldn't matter. You are the only thing that matters. Please don't make me live the rest of my life without you." Tears were starting to fall down my face now too. "You want me that much?" She asked between tears. "I want you forever."
She jumped into my arms then pushing her lips against mine. It was perfect. She was going to stay with me forever. It really sucked that Rachel was going through this pain of not being with her soul mate forever but I couldn't stop smiling because Tina was staying with me. We were going to make babies and grow old together.
We had finally stopped kissing to look at our audience. Brittany, Santana, and Mercedes were jumping up and down while shouting right next to the car. I looked by the church to see all of the other glee stars standing there showing their excitement as well. Rachel was even clapping with a smile while standing next to Puck. It was a perfect ending to a horrible afternoon.
"You are right! This was the perfect way to spend the night." She said as we were sitting on my couch watching the glee video again. "I told you." I said taking another handful of popcorn.
"Hey honey, we finally made it home. How horrible was it today?" My mom asked as she was walking in the door only looking up when she put her bags on the ground. "Tina dear, how are you doing?" She asked as she was looking at her face. "I'm doing much better Mrs. Chang. How was your flight?" "It wasn't bad. We were just trying to get back as soon as we could and got stuck riding next to a family with a bunch of little ones. I thought they were cute but your father had a different opinion. Also Tina, I know you haven't been around much lately but it is still Julia." She told Tina as she was walking around the couch to talk to us better.
It was clear by the look on her face that she hadn't seen what Tina was wearing until that moment. Tina had put her hair up in a messy ponytail while wearing one of my white shirts and a pair of my plaid pajama pants. Considering what I was currently wearing was about the same as Tina, my mom probably just figured out what we had been up to this evening after the funeral. "I guess it's safe to assume you two are together again?" She asked taking a seat on the coffee table right in front of us looking at our hands that were intertwined. "Yeah mom, we are together again and I can promise you this time I'm never letting her go again. Seriously, I will never let go of her hand." "You can't promise that." Tina said looking at me like I was a child you told a far out there story. "What about when I have to take a shower?" "I guess I will just have to join you." I told her causing both my mom and Tina to start laughing. My dad had walked behind the couch then smacking me on the top of the head with the mail. "Hi dad", I told him getting a uh huh reply.
"We are heading upstairs to unpack. Make sure you two turn all the lights off down here." "We will, night mom", I replied as Tina snuggled closer to me now that my parents were gone. "This is a pretty great way to spend the night of the worst day ever." "I would have to agree with you on that one. Didn't expect to smile at all today but now I can't stop." I told her bending down a little and giving her a kiss before we finished the movie.
I don't own anything Glee just like telling stories! I have stopped watching the show for the last two years because of a crazy family life. I have been wanting to finish up the last of the stories I had in the works though. Keep your eye out for a few more works! Thanks!