This is just a very rushed fic for a few friends, stemming from a conversation we had today at school. So this one's for you guys!! .
The Carrot Grower noticed with some amusement that the Alchemist seemed slightly loopier than the norm. Perhaps it had something to do with the story the Dragon was telling her a few moments ago….or maybe it was true that the Dragon's smoke did have effects similar to that of smoking marijuana. The Sorceress was grinning happily as the Alchemist's face turned an interesting watermelon pink from the exertion laughing gave her. The Dragon didn't seem too perturbed and narrated another story on the stupidity also know as her cousin, making her go from pink to a strange shade of violet.
The little pub they sat at was quiet and smoky, filled with other gloomy individuals, too far into their drinks to notice the group's loud activity.
The Dragon was hovering a foot in the air, her wings in her miniature form a sick green as she somersaulted once, twice and landed with a thud on the table. She hiccuped a small ball of flames that the Sorceress attempted to put out with alcohol. It didn't work. Just made the table catch fire. The four ignored it as the dragon began a rather disturbing version of Harry Potter.
"Hermione Granger was bored. She'd read all the books that had so far sat on a book shelf, been thrown at her, or had bitten her 'assets' to gain her attention."
The Alchemist dissolved into giggles while the other two just wanted to get this over with.
"She decided for a walk down Daigon Alley and Flooed herself into the main square. Once there, she wondered around aimlessly before noticing a shop marked Kinkius Thoutus."
Here the Dragon stopped to watch the table twist under the flames. The Carrot Grower was fanning the fire higher by pouring more beer into the inferno. Smart girl.
"As soon as she walked in, she was bombarded with a thousand-"
"Dildos?" the Sorceress quipped, watching a tapestry catch fire.
The Dragon huffed a laugh. "No. A thousand leather pants. Hermione was awestruck, to say the least and quickly went through them, picking out a pair of flamboyant pink one which she changed into immediately."
People were running out of the pub by now, screaming as the fire spread to the rest of the building. The four ignored them. The Alchemist 'accidentally' tripped a few over, knocked them out and removed their kidneys to sell in the black market.
"She went back outside, pleased with herself at the attention she was receiving. You know why? Because the pants were make especially for her. It said so on the label; 'Made for Hermione the Hermaphrodite'."
The Carrot Grower choked on her drink as she started to laugh as the Sorceress leaned forward, fascinated.
"So did she have the family jewels then?"
"Not always." Replied the Dragon amused. "You see, Hermione had a spell that activated the…. ahem… 'jewels' to be displayed only once every 10 seconds. And the leather pants she wore were designed to vanish every 5 seconds for a few seconds and then reappear."
"Oh..." the Sorceress nodded knowledgably as the beams caught the flames and started to collapse.
"Does that mean she alternates between a boy and a girl?" the Alchemist asked and at the gruff nod from the Dragon, she started to snort with ill-concealed laughter.
"Correct! So what do Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley see when they walk into Daigon Alley together? Hermione the girl walking around without pants…. and then Hermione the guy… And what do they both think simultaneously as Hermione walks up to them, her pants gone in a flash of gold…"
"I'd like to get in his/her pants if she wore any…or is she?"
The Dragon gave them a strange look, while the Alchemist and the Sorceress took turns in smoking a joint that screamed.
"You people are so strange."
"Go on with the story!" The Carrot Grower yelled over the din of the disintegrating building.
"Moral of the story" the Dragon concluded, "Don't wear Disappearing Pants if you don't know your sexuality. The end."
The Dragon looked around at her friends, before they all dissolved with laughter. The Pub burnt to the ground around them and that just made them laugh harder.
THE END…or is it??