Candy: The Domino City Massacre
By: Tenshi no Toki
Summary: Sequel to Candy It's Halloween again, and since Yami Malik's been put out of commission by a certain Pharaoh, Malik's spending his Halloween with another dumb blonde.
Rating: T
Genre: Humor
Disclaimer: I bought Yuugiou for 50¢ on eBay.
Author's Note: I felt like doing a fic with Malik and Jounouchi. So nyah.
--
"And that's how I ended up living in your house. Interesting story, wasn't it Malik?"
"I liked the part with the beavers," Malik said dreamily, "Oh! And the part where we vanquished the evil Nonag, and retrieved the legendary Triumph Forks! And then the handsome elf warrior clad in green swept me off my feet and took me to his magical land of talking rabbits and bushes that shoot seeds at you!"
"Uh…I think you're thinking of something else Malik," Jounouchi sweatdropped.
"Probably," the smaller blonde sighed, "ever since that asshole of a Pharaoh sent my yami away, my brain's been feeling cold and lonely. My bed's been feeling cold and lonely too, come to think of it-"
"Gah, too much information! Look, are we gonna sit here and talk about your empty head all night or are we going to get some candy?"
"MY HEAD'S NOT EMPTY!"
"Whatever you dumb blonde. Let's go before all the candy runs out and the neighbors start handing us raisins from 50 years ago."
"The bastards," Malik growled, "if they even try giving me those nasty excuses for grapes I'll gouge their eyes out with my own hands! …Or a melon baller!"
"We should bring one just in case. What're you supposed to be anyway Malik? You're just dressed in your yami's black top."
"Isn't it obvious? I'm Emo! Notice how I painted my nails black and went extra heavy on the kohl around my eyes? Now all I need to do is compose a bad poem about how much I want to die and I'll be set!"
"There's no way you'll pull that off Malik," Jounouchi scoffed, "you're way too…not conformist. Why don't you try being a crazy Goth instead?"
"Because I already thought up a bad poem in my head! Listen:
Dark, suffocating sadness
Red, flowing life
I gasp for air, yet cannot breathe
And slowly, death welcomes me into his embrace
What d'you think?"
"I dunno Malik, that poem seems almost too good." Jounouchi said honestly, "You can think of a bad poem later, just hurry up!"
"What are you going as Jounouchi?"
The tall blonde took some spray paint and quickly colored his hair brown before putting on a flowing trench coat (with its own wind) and grabbing a briefcase, "I'm going as Kaiba."
"That isn't very scary," Malik said dubiously.
--
With Yami Malik…
"That bastard Pharaoh will pay for sending me into this horrible, wretched realm! HE KNOWS I CAN'T EAT DONUTS! They're horrible for my manly figure…"
And indeed, the psychotic all powerful Yami Malik had been sent to the dreaded Donut Realm, where happy pink donuts (with sprinkles!) danced around a colorful plain of decorated white chocolate, worshiping the great donut god: King Krispy Kreme!
"So many delicious looking donuts (with sprinkles!), and yet they're packed with so many horrible trans fat and calories! What to do, what to do… If I successfully devour the great King Krispy Kreme then I will become lord of this realm! But I might gain 0.0006 pounds in the process… Curse you Atemu! And you're little porcupine headed sex partner too!"
"Heya mister," said a particularly scrumptious looking pink donut (with sprinkles!), "would you like to join us in our Happy Love Love Friendship Dance of happiness, friendship, and love love?"
"Not really," Yami Malik scowled, preferring to sit by The Soda Pop Fountain of Truth, "the amount of pink cuteness and stupidly named landmarks has drained all the dancing out of me. Now leave me alone before I send you to the Struggling Diet Patients Realm."
--
"Hey lady, mayonnaise isn't candy! You can't pass out the little mayonnaise packets you get at McDonalds as candy! IT'S UNPATRIOTIC!"
"Yeah, this is Japan!" Jounouchi agreed, throwing his ketchup packet at the confused old woman, "I demand a chocolate covered squid or something…"
"What if I was allergic to mayonnaise, huh?" Malik continued, "You'd have a major lawsuit on your hands, you withered old crone! Now give us the money or I'll steal your Pekingese!"
"No! Not my darling Ms. Fluffy Muffin Coco Butter Sugar Peppermint Mimi Fifi Rosebud Lilly! Wait here; I'll go get my wallet!"
"You better run, hag!"
"Malik, I thought we wanted candy," Jounouchi whispered into his friend's ear.
"What candy?"
"Here you boys go, ¥6,000 for each of you. Have a nice day!"
"Thank you Nakamura-san," Malik said happily, "I'll be sure to tell my GHOULS not to steal your newspaper anymore!"
"If I see you place one foot on my property again, I'm calling the police," Nakamura-san threatened, her mood doing a complete 180, "You know what they do to pretty young boys like you in prison? They-!"
"Alright lady, we got it," Jounouchi said hastily, "we won't bother you again. Come on Malik, let's go to Yuugi's house."
"You're lucky Jou's here to stop me! I'd bitch slap you to the next Candy sequel! Yeah, you heard me!"
"Let's go!"
--
Smile at the happy sunshine!
Smile at the happy moon!
Smile because life is wonderful!
Smile like a loon!
La la la, la la, la la la, la la!
"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! STOP SINGING! FOR THE LOVE OF RA STOP SINGING BEFORE I SHOVE EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU INTO MY MOUTH!"
"But Mister, if you do that, then your shallow hikari will reject you if you ever make your way back to the Card Battles Decide the Fate of Humanity Realm!" A little pink donut (with sprinkles!) said innocently.
Yami Malik thought for a moment and sat down on several pink donuts (with sprinkles!), "By the gods, he's right! Malik's scrutinizing stare would be able to detect the 0.0006 pounds I'd gain! Just thinking about it makes my hair look semi-sane! …Hey, that rhymed."
An image of Malik Ishtar filled the yami's mind; the usually laid back if not touchy hikari was now standing in the middle of a raging fire, a large chainsaw gripped in his delicate hands. "Yami-sama…! I'M GONNA SHAVE THOSE POUNDS RIGHT OFF!"
"NO! NOT AGAIN! I PROMISE TO RESTRAIN MYSELF, I PROMISE! …Even if it means taking the bulimic route…!"
--
"So anyway, I was telling Kaiba about how much I wanted a Wii, and he said that Nintendo was a poor man's gaming company! Like I want to spend my life savings on a souped up DVD player that doesn't even have the Legend of Zelda on it! I mean come on! It's Zelda! Zelda has Link! …Link is so…"
"Wait, how did a conversation in candied apples lead to your discussion about gaming consoles with Kaiba?"
"Oh, I wasn't really paying attention to what you were saying," Malik said blankly, "I kinda just tuned you out."
Jounouchi sweatdropped, "Gee, that boosts my self confidence…"
"Yeah, The PS3 will totally be crushed by the Wii! I'm so glad you agree with me on these important issues Jou!"
Sighing, Jounouchi knocked dully on a bright pink house with bright pink neon lights pointing out a bright pink door that said 'Mazaki Anzu' in bright pink letters.
"Trick or treat!"
What appeared was not only bright and pink…but pink and bright. GASP!
"Omigosh! HI YOU GUYS! Are you like out on a date? Omigosh, that is so totally adorable! Omigosh, you dressed up as Kaiba? That is so totally awesome! What are you Malik? Are you dressed as your yami? Omigosh! That is so totally romantic! Like, I'm sorry the Pharaoh like, totally killed him, but he was a dick head anyway. Omigosh, have you heard about what Mai wore on Monday? Omigosh, she is such a slut! She totally-"
SMACK!
Malik shouldered the bloodied crowbar happily and entered the bright pink house in search of more prizes. "You break the piñata, you get what's inside! I get dibs on the plasma screen! Jou, you can have the sofa."
"Malik, I think this is against the law…"
"Don't be stupid Jou, beautiful people don't have to obey the law."
--
Isis shifted the weight of the heavy groceries before placing them on the clean dining table. Giving a sigh of relief that she hadn't run into her masochistic brother and his new plaything on the way home, she plopped onto the couch and turned on the television, basking in its cancer causing light. The local news was on, and a withered old man that reminded Isis of a poorly preserved mummy was delivering 'T3H OMIGOSH LATEBREAKING NEWS!!11!one!!1'
"Police are on the lookout for three blonde teenagers who have been accused for murder, attempted murder, theft, breaking and entering, excessive sighing, suddenly dropping out of the sky and landing on my new car, illegal possession of a crowbar, and chasing each other around screaming, 'I can't believe you gained 0.0006 pounds you fat pig.'"
The old reporter with a bad comb-over said all of this very monotonously. The screen then cut to Malik brandishing his crowbar at a panicked Marik who had somehow found his way back to his rightful dimension. Jounouchi ran after the two shouting obscenities in various languages while trying to drag a large pink sofa behind him.
Isis walked over to the table and uncorked a bottle of red wine. She then proceeded to drink the contents of the bottle before returning to the couch with a much happier expression.
"Looks like we're going to court again! Hoo, I love Halloween…"
--
END
AN: Sorry for the lack of updates, school's starting to take its toll, and November will be preoccupied with Zelda (Link, yay!), I can't exactly say when I'll update again. Though Target Sighted and Hidden Intentions chapters are completed, I want to give each a read through to prevent making a fool of myself with typos and such. Ja!