AN: One day I thought to myself what would be the most hilariously butthurt, condescending and meta AU that I can write, and here it is.
Story might contain missing information since I was bouncing off ideas over twitter and, well, I might have forgotten to clarify some things in the narrative, whoops! Basically Altair is a gore graphics expert, Malik does 3D urban environments, Ezio's a modeler, Leo is a concept artist (and a bunch of other things), Federico's another modeler, and Yusuf is a programmer.
And this AU is one big old joke.
Malik stared over his sketchbook and, very firmly, said, "No."
"You didn't even listen to the whole thing!" Altair protested, gripping onto the support rail as the metro slowed to a halt. The person sitting next to Malik got up and Altair quickly took the seat, ignoring Kadar's grumbling protest; the intern was left standing and holding several portfolio bags and laptop backpack.
"I didn't have to. The medieval setting and bits about the warring conspiracy theories sounded fine until you got to aliens," Malik said, shoulders bumping as the metro started to move again. "I keep saying – get rid of the aliens, and you might have a shot."
Altair shook his head. "The aliens are important."
"No, they aren't. They are a plot trope that can easily be replaced by numerous of other things, like, I don't know, scientific experimentation? Magic? Simple DNA mutation? Hell, maybe you don't even have to explain it," Malik said, shrugging. It was an old argument they were having, but he didn't think Altair would push for it so soon. "Just don't bring it up in the meeting. We still have Ubisoft to finish."
Altair nodded, but before Malik could settle back down, he said, "I'm not going to bring it up in the meeting. It's my idea; I'm going to pitch it to Sinan myself."
Both Malik and Kadar made similar noises of disbelief, with Malik sounding more incredulous and Kadar slightly more discreet, but not by much. Altair drew himself up in his seat. "What?"
"I'm willing to bet Sinan won't even give you three minutes before he boots you out of his office," Malik said, idly sketching the outlines of an ancient temple in ruins, decaying mortar and fallen carved stone. He frowned at the drawing and ran a thumb over the corner of the page, smearing the marks without real thought.
"A bet?" Altair prompted.
"You two can't be serious," Kadar interrupted, looking at them both in mild, well-practiced despair.
"Fine," Malik said, ignoring Kadar. "If you can get Sinan to listen to your idea for more than three minutes before he inevitably tells you to get back to work, I'll go on Kadar's coffee run. If it doesn't happen, then it's on you."
"Oh," murmured Kadar, quite happy with the terms now.
"Deal," Altair said, just as the metro came to their stop. He stood up, moving aside as a large man tried to get past, but to their surprise, the stranger stopped in front of Malik, glancing down at his sketchbook.
"Nice drawing," the man said.
Malik's hand casually slid in front of it, more out of habit than actual bashfulness. "Thanks," he began dismissively, and stopped when he looked up. "Oh. Robert? Hello."
Altair turned around so fast his messenger bag smacked into Malik's head. Kadar blinked, peering over his shoulder to see the man in question, and almost took a step back. It wasRobert, and while Kadar was still a little fuzzy on the details, it didn't take much for him to see that Altair and Malik probably had some history with the guy.
"How much did you hear?" Altair demanded as Robert held up his hands in defense.
"Not much," Robert said, shrugging. "I wouldn't worry about it." He smiled, nodding to the doors. "But you guys are going to miss your stop."
"Like I care-"
"Yes, you do," Malik cut in, stuffing his sketchbook back into his bag, and grabbed Altair by the wrist. Kadar was already heading out the car with an arm out to keep the doors from sliding shut.
It took a moment to get Altair moving, but when they were all out onto the metro station, he shook off Malik's grip and stared after Robert as the doors hissed shut.
"Huh, I didn't think he took this line," Kadar said with forced cheer.
"He doesn't," Altair said darkly. "Great. Now Abstergo's get the idea."
Malik rolled his eyes, shouldering his bag. "Altair, calm down. Even if Robert had heard, your concept is too rough as it is. No one would be able to make heads or tails of it from just listening."
"You're right. I have to pitch it today," Altair said, walking quickly up the exiting stairs.
"That's not…" Malik shook his head, and started to head in another direction. "It's too early for this. I need coffee," he decided, waving Kadar off. "You go ahead with Altair. I'll be at the office in a bit."
Kadar nodded, leaving his brother to walk off his restlessness, and joined Altair to burn off his. It was difficult trying to keep up, pushing through the crowds, but Kadar managed to tap Altair's shoulder before the other man went out of reach again.
"Where's Malik?" Altair asked, slowing down.
"Coffee. Couldn't wait," Kadar replied, trying to catch his breath.
"Stupid. He's just going to have to go back to get more for when he loses the bet." Altair smirked.
Kadar nodded, though it was more of an acknowledgement than an agreement. Either way, he was going to get out of a coffee run, so maybe he could finally start on those commissions he had been taking on the side. He followed Altair over three blocks of brisk walking, turning the corner from a busy street to a quieter one. From there, the AC Company's modest building was only an Italian restaurant and Karaoke bar away.
"Hey, but I've been wondering," Kadar began, nudging the doors of the main entrance open with a foot. After a pause, he continued even though Altair gave no indication of having heard him; he was pretty sure Altair would be listening, "Where does Malik fit in with your game?"
Altair frowned, stopping right at the opening, much to Kadar's annoyance. "What are you talking about?"
"Well," Kadar said, squeezing past him, regardless if his bags were shoving Altair out of the way. "Malik specializes in modern urban designs."
At Altair's blank look, Kadar canted his head, brow furrowing in an unaccustomed look of disappointment.
"Your story's all medieval," he explained, and shook his head. "And, I don't know, I don't think you should pressure Malik in doing what he doesn't like."
"Who says I'm pressuring?" Altair said. "Malik drew those concepts on his own, and if I didn't like them, I would have found someone else."
Kadar abruptly removed his foot from the door, letting it swing shut in Altair's face. "Oh, I see," he mouthed through the clear pane glass, and didn't bother to open the door for Altair before he disappeared further inside the building.
-0-
"Ahhoooh god – has anyone my flash drive? Tiny, silver, retractable, has my name on it," Ezio said, skidding into the office and looking unusually harried. "You know, the one that has eight gigs worth of commission work? No big deal. None at all."
His outburst caused everyone to look up, Leo included – which was nothing short of amazing since he rarely ever let an interruption stop his work.
"Aren't you holding it in your hand, Ezio?" Leo asked. The pencil in his hand tapped restlessly over the pad.
Ezio held the flash drive up. "Ah, no. This is the one you modded. I'm looking for the one Yusuf gave me," he explained, partly glad that the aforementioned man was not in at the moment. He would have gotten a ton of flak if Yusuf knew – but speaking of – Malik in his corner of the room looked suspiciously intent on whatever he was doing on his computer, so Ezio excused himself (with no trouble at all; Leo immediately went back to his drawing) and walked over to Malik's desk.
"You know something," Ezio accused, forcibly turning Malik around in his wheeled chair. To his relief, he wasn't instantly kicked in the face, but there was no escaping the glare that was directed at him.
"I do, unfortunately," Malik said, turning back around to face the mess of building-shaped gridlines on his two monitors. His toolbar blinked from several unanswered Skype alerts and there was a minimized window of solitaire, but compared to what some of their other co-workers did, Malik's method of procrastination was near innocuous and harmless in comparison. "Altair found it."
"Oh, good," Ezio said, sighing in relief. He looked over the divider that separated Malik and Altair's desks and his sigh turned into an exasperated expel of air over Malik's head. Altair's neat desk was empty, and the computer wasn't even turned on. "No, not good. Where is he?"
Kadar's voice floated from one of the other cubicles in the office. "Coffee run. He lost a bet."
"What bet-? No. Tell me later. I have to get the flash drive," Ezio said, holding out his hand in front of Malik's face.
"I don't have it," Malik said, drawing back. "I just told you Altair does. Does deafness run in your family?"
"Nope. Need cell phone," Ezio corrected, and nabbed it out of Malik's right pocket.
Malik twisted around, though he did not make an actual attempt to get it back, perhaps out of the expectation that Ezio knew his temper well enough not to provoke it. "Can't you use your own?"
"Yes, but he always answers you," Ezio said, and ignored how Malik's agitated expression grew somewhat disturbed by the information.
Malik (9:47 AM):
I need the flash drive
Altair (9:47 AM):
What are you talking about
Malik (9:48 AM):
Ezios
Altair (9:49 AM):
Is he looking for it?
Malik (9:49 AM):
Yes
Altair (9:50 AM):
Tell him it is in my desk top drawer to the left
Malik (9:51 AM):
Thanks
Malik (9:51 AM):
babe
Altair (10:00 AM):
Ezio, i am going to spit in your coffee
"Thanks, Malik," Ezio said, pocketing the flash drive, and handed the phone back.
-0-
Yusuf made a face of distaste and put down his iced coffee (as it was supposed to be a mocha frappuccino).
"Mm," Federico agreed, also nudging his own cup of coffee back. He sighed and picked up his pen instead. "Today's coffee boy didn't do a good job. Anyway, here's the design you wanted. Accurate, huh?"
Yusuf took a look at the handheld screen, turning it over with a laugh. "Looks exactly like it."
"It should, when I have to stare at it day in and day out," Federico quipped, eyeing Yusuf's headband wryly. "So, how is it unlocked?"
"Oh, I don't know. After fifty Zipline tricks? How does that sound?"
"I thought we scrapped the zipline idea," Ezio said, coming in to join their table at the mini-cafeteria. He held up a flash drive and tossed it over to Yusuf. "You wanted this?"
Yusuf grinned, catching it. "Thank you. And, yes. The idea was scrapped, but I'm unofficially bringing it back," he said, rolling the silver flash drive between his fingers. "As of now."
Ezio whistled lowly. "You hid the code in myflash drive? I don't know whether to be impressed or angry."
"The one Igave you, remember," Yusuf said, cackling. He inserted the drive into the USB reader, grinning all the way until he opened the protected file and the window came up blank. His eyebrows shot up and he hitched his headband higher on his forehead. Federico and Ezio leaned over, equally as surprised.
"My stuff's gone too," Ezio said numbly. "I don't…" He sat up. "Altair."
Yusuf looked worried. "He wouldn't have deleted all of it, would he? The man is ruthless, but this seems downright cruel."
Ezio groaned and just put his head into his heads. "We'll see."
-0-
"Five disks," Altair replied, unruffled by the appearance of three men hovering over his desk. It was hard to be intimidated when you were the one rendering several bloody and severed limbs on a giant monitor. "I transferred all the data into five disks and hid them around the building."
"But why?" Ezio hissed. "Why would you do that?"
"You were taking on other commission work," Altair said, typing a command and watching with a critical eye as half a human body exploded. "You need to focus on finishing Ubisoft. Unless," he amended, glancing at Yusuf and Federico, "There were other important things on that drive."
Federico simply backed away, Yusuf shrugged, and Ezio threw up his arms.