I must be free...
An angsty Meiling-centric fic focused on her love for Syaoran, and the pain that goes with it.
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One day before their wedding...
One day before that glorious day of happiness...
So why is she feeling like a guilty little child who broke a precious vase? Why is she feeling as if tomorrow would be anything BUT happy?
Oh yeah, because she knew that he was being forced to go with the plan. Because she knew he loved someone else. Because she knew he'd rather spend that glorious day tomorrow with a special cherry blossom. Because she knew that all her efforts was nothing for his dazed little heart. Because she knew he'll never reciprocate her feelings.
Would she be ready to spend her entire life with someone who doesn't love her?
...I'm ready with that, her mind answered. It had been damn too long for her to just give up on loving him.
Thinking about him, his perpetual frowning face suddenly appeared in her thoughts. It was then replaced with the cherry blossom's smiling face. Then by his flustered face.
Whenever she smiles, he blushes. Whenever she's in danger, concern resurfaces from his eyes. Whenever he thinks no one is watching, his face turns as gentle as possible while looking at her every move. That was what the ruby eyed soon-to-be bride and the Daidouji heiress thought and saw. They were the silent audience of the blossoming love between the two.
But the development halted when Yelan Li, mother of Syaoran, went to Tomoeda. She tore their young hearts apart and even took one to Hong Kong.
It has been two years now from that day. The young lovers haven't communicated since then. Syaoran was treated like a prisoner inside his own home.
"Meiling?" a voice broke her thoughts. It was Shiefa, Syaoran's older sister. The bride looked at her soon-to-be sister-in-law. The older girl sat down beside her and placed a gentle hand above her trembling one. "Nervous?" She asked, her voice hinting a lot of concern.
Meiling didn't know what to say. Was she nervous? She shook her head at the thought. No, she wasn't nervous. She was plain guilty and afraid.
What's the difference with nervous and afraid? Nervous is what you feel when there's a pop quiz while afraid is what you feel when you realize that your teacher is actually vampire who wants to conquer the world. Nervousness is just a dreadful feeling of foreboding. Being afraid is a much, much more negative feeling.
"Onee-chan..." she wanted to tell her everything she's afraid of right now. She wants to ask for an advice. She wants to hear her comforting her. More than anything, she wants to cry.
But she can't. She had wasted a lot more tears on him than on anything, or anyone, else. Crying for him had been a habit. It had been a stupid little ritual whenever he unknowingly produced a crack on her heart. Just thinking of doing so right now disgusts her.
"What would you do now?" Shiefa asked after the long silence.
"I don't know" she honestly answered.
"Think things over and do what is right" The older girl stood up, squeezed her hand comfortingly and left with a final wink.
Think things over... she did just that.
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The next day...
The wedding
It was a bright sunny morning. All was doing okay and most were getting ready for the grand wedding of the Li heir.
"Meiling? Are you up already?" Yelan inquired as she knocked on the bride's door... no answer... Could she be-?
"Meiling!" Opening the door, she saw no one sleeping in the bed; no one getting ready for the wedding. Her usual calm composure melted away as she stared at the open window.
"Shiefa! Fanran! Feimei! Fuutie! Syaoran!" she called out. Her son and daughters arrived after some minutes. "What is it, mother?" they asked as they eyed her panicking form.
"She's gone... Meiling... even her things..." Yelan whispered. A million thoughts were running inside the matriarch's head. Why would she go? Didn't she love Syaoran?
Looking for some sign why she left, Syaoran went to her bed. That's where the goodbye letter is seen most of the time, right?
Turns out, Meiling also knew the stereotype. There were two white envelopes on her bed; one was for Syaoran while the other was for Yelan.
The little wolf shakily took the envelopes from the bed and went to his mother. "She left some letter" He handed Meiling's letter to her.
Opening it slowly, Yelan's frown became more prominent. She read the content with a pseudo calm voice.
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Yelan-sama,
I know you're probably worried about me right now. I'm really sorry for suddenly disappearing like this; especially in this crucial time for our clan. But my life is also at one of its most crucial point. I had been thinking hard about the decision I took. And I realized that no one would benefit from this marriage.
My conscience just can't take even thinking of marrying Syaoran when I know that he's not the real Syaoran that I love. He is a mere body. Never have I seen him so empty. Yelan-sama, I know you have realized that we left the heart of Syaoran where it should really be: in Japan.
Please forgive me for my stupid actions. I know that the elders will say that I have disrespected them. When I go back home, I will take whatever punishment you have ready because of my foolishness. I promise that I should go back after thinking.
Respectfully yours,
Li Meiling
P.S. Shiefa, thanks for the kind words. You helped enormously.
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After reading the letters, Yelan told her children to go out of the room. She needed her time alone to calm herself first. The children obeyed and went to the respective rooms.
Syaoran took the letter from his pocket. What would she say to him? Wasting no time, he opened the envelope.
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Syaoran,
I don't know what I should say actually. I had all this overwhelming emotions inside me but now, all feelings are gone; replaced by a sense of peace.
So, first of all, I want to thank you. Thank you for loving me; even if it wasn't in the way I wanted it to be. Thank you for teaching me, protecting me secretly and just being there. For all those reasons, I truly love you.
But for those same reasons, I can't stay. I love the Syaoran who protects people secretly because he doesn't want to look as if he truly cares. I love the Syaoran who is very irritated with me because I am too damn annoying but still acts like a big brother whenever I'm in trouble or in need of advice. I even love the Syaoran who makes my heart ache because I see him falling more deeply in love with the card mistress.
The only Syaoran I don't love is the Syaoran that you are now. You aren't Syaoran! I wish that you will revert back to your old charming self because of my runaway-bride act. You need to go back to Japan and ask for Sakura's hand... and heart. And whole body for that matter. You can't marry a detached hand, ne? hehehe... If this made you smile, then I could die peacefully.
Joke! I'm still in the process of searching for another person to heal my heart... another person to annoy. If ever there would be anyone to equal you, that is. You don't happen to have a twin, right? This is your entire fault anyway! You took my heart even before I realized what the word love truly means...
Well, to conclude this long and senseless letter, I want you to read this lyric I've heard from an old song playing on Yelan's room. These lyrics really struck me. I don't know if it's for me or for you... it seems to fit both of us anyway...
"And if you're only using me
To feed your fantasy,
You're really not in love
So let me go,
I must be free"
Your forever stalker,
(Joke!) Li Meiling
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Yatsuiko-Chan: I really like this fic... It fits me perfectly somehow... And this is a happy ending! I think Meiling will find someone so she'll be happy too!
The lyrics are from the song "Love me for what I am". I think it suits Syaoran's and Meiling's situation perfectly.
Oh wait... I want to share something that I wanted to add in this story. But it didn't just suit any place here.
"Would I say 'may the best gal win?' If I know that I don't even have a chance?
Would it be stupid to wait and see if he would choose me, when I know that her name will be what he will utter?
Would it be utter foolishness to say 'I love you' when he is clearly in love with another?
This girl is stupid, but what can she do? She's in love. In short, hopeless."