This was supposed to be the third fic in the Shields of the Heart series-type. However, I had the idea to convert it to a letter. Anyway, it's a standalone fic now. Go on, read it!
~k@zen0~
Shadows Haunt My Soul
Fujin, Raijin,
So this is how it ends. The great knight Seifer Almasy. Reduced to this - odd jobs for a living. How ironic that when I wanted the glory, he got it. Where I wanted to be famous, to be a knight in shining armor, he was. Everything I wanted, he got; everything he wanted, I got. Wonder if he's happy with that?
You know who 'he' is, don't you? Both of you.
No tears fall in the darkened silence of the room. No tears will fall. It is not his way ...
I'm sorry - for what I did. What I'm still doing, what I am going to stop doing, to both of you. You've stuck with me through thick and thin, fire and joy, and more than I could ever imagine the day I formed the posse - the disciplinary committee.
And I now wish you didn't. wish you didn't follow, so that you could have a good life. Instead of being stuck with me now, here, offering our services for some gil.
And the pencil scratches over the surface of the paper, making the only sounds in the room save the quiet breathing of the occupant on the bed ...
I know there's nothing I can do -say- that will absolve me, but I will still try to explain myself. For all the good it will do. I guess the orphanage would be a good place to start.
Although I can remember but little of my time there, it wasn't that bad. Matron was kindly and forgiving, and Quisty - Quistis was like an elder sister. The others hadn't arrived then, and with the current inhabitants of the orphanage, I cultivated a careful friendship. I got sent to foster parents time to time, and the others were too, but those experiences were mostly good.
A flashback comes to him from the dimness of time - himself, playing a game with other little children, smiling happily. He wakes from the memory, and immediately sets pencil to paper again ...
It lasted, for precious little time. I was sent to yet another pair of foster parents. They had a lot of other children, and it was a jungle. The strongest picked on the weakest. I was the weakest - at first. Then I learnt, while the others who steadily refused to were picked on until they ran to our mother, who would soothe them, and then our father would ridicule them. it was pick or be picked on.
When I returned, I was a different person. It was a different orphanage that met me. Most of my old friends had been sent to the White SeeD ship, including a brother and sister, silver- and dark-haired. Ellone had arrived, and a dark-haired waif called Squall. I picked on him, and Zell, who arrived the day after I returned.
Soon, the others drifted in. Cute Selphie and charming Irvine - even as a child! I had to be tough - I knew that from my foster home. If you were strong, you survived. Squall didn't realize that until his Sis left.
I became the tormentor, the terror of the playground. And I liked it. Enjoyed the power it gave me. It was a way to express my feelings, I felt. But I'm older now. And ashamed of it.
The writer jumps as the sleeper shifts on her bed; sighs when he realizes she won't awaken ...
About the duel? I guess that's my foster parents too. In Garden, he was the only person who matched me in intelligence and weapon-skill. I instinctively felt he was a rival. The desire to compete made me strive to match him, become a gunblade specialist like him. It became an obsession. An obsession that ultimately led to that fatal duel on that day on destiny.
I am not proud to say I lost my temper. I held it for long enough, for years, until the brat actually started gaining the upper hand in the duel. Temper - anger gave me strength, fueled me recklessness. I blocked him, limit breaked him and marked him. All in the space of ten seconds. Ten seconds that decided my fate.
The writer shifts uneasily in his chair, biting the end of the pencil ...
I could offer excuses, could say that Edea was influencing me, that I was already under her control. But I won't the responsibility is mine to bear, and mine alone.
A faint murmur, "Knights bear their pain alone, and bravely," is heard from the writer, who quickly glances around to check on the sleeper ...
I wanted to be a knight - perhaps too much. Edea used that, grabbed on to that, corrupted it and twisted my soul to fit. You were there, both of you, you saw, you understand. And if you don't, nothing I say will change it.
My posse. I - guess you could say love you guys, in a way. We're family, and nothing can change that. Raijin - despite your bumbling and your 'ya know's and overwhelming tendency to sleep on the job - any job, you're still a good person, my friend, my brother. Fujin - it's confusing, to say the least about my feelings on you. Don't question me about it - I can't answer.
The writer stops to chew his pencil again, watching the sleeper as she shifts on the bed uneasily ...
It's because I love you two that I'm leaving. Don't take this harshly - with me around you two'll never have a good life. I'm bad luck. That's all I've brought you since I appeared. Go find a good job - go back to Garden. They may accept you. That's what both of you were supposed to do in the first place - become SeeDs. You don't have the mentality for anything else.
I hate long goodbyes ...
The writer stops - gives a last anxious bite to the mangled end of his pencil. Sighing, he folds the paper, placing it into an envelope and sealing it, then propping it against the table. Pausing for one last wistful glance at the sleeping form of the girl, he slips out the door and leaves the building, vanishing into the sunlight, never to be seen again.
And in a small room in Balamb Hotel, a silver-haired girl weeps alone for her knight of the sun ...
Well there's another fic done, and bouquets and brickbats welcome at caerid_brooks@hotmail.com. And by the way Athena, if you happen to read this, what I have to say is: "Come on ... finish your 'The Insane' fic before I go insane!" As for the rest of you, check it out! Great fic, and she's working on another one, 'Burnt'. [without bothering to finish 'the insane' first - peeved!] Anyway, keep your eyes peeled for the next fic from me [and Athena, and fuu, and Guardian, Malloreigh, Sargeant Pheonix, Cordis, xmagicalx and Lady Illyna for that matter - all of 'em are great authors ... -falls to her knees and worships them-].