Jane lane was lounging in the game room of her new best friend Daria Morgendorffer's Crewe Neck Mansion when she decided to finally ask her friend about what her parents actually did for a living. In the three months she had known the girl, Daria had been rather tight lipped about her often absent parent's careers.

"Okay Morgendorffer spill it. I've heard you mention once or twice that the reasons you parent are always flying off to California is because their involved in "the business" but you've never actually explained what business that is, or what they do in it. So spill already."

Daria sighed and rolled her eyes back and steadied herself to explain the secret she had desperately been trying to keep from getting out.

"Okay fine I'll tell you already, but please don't judge to harshly, I had enough of that when Andrea Dworkin held a protest outside a Chucky cheese on my seventh birthday. "

"Andrea Dworkin? Wasn't she that feminist who was always protesting por-,"Jane stopped mid-sentence as her jaw dropped at the realization of her friend's story.

"Your Parents are in porn!" Jane shouted in disbelief.

"A little louder Jane, I don't think they heard you down in Baltimore," Daria said in an annoyed monotone.

"Sorry, but it's just a shock is all. Okay now you definitely need to explain the story behind this," said Jane.

"Fine," Daria moaned.

"Back in the mid-80's my dad dropped out of college after my grandfather cut him off, he spent a few months bumming around the country before he ended up in the San Fernando Valley and was offered a part in an Adult film. He turned out to be really good at it and later took on the name Jacob Python," Said Daria as Jane began laughing her ass off before a certain realization hit her and she immediately blushed, realizing she would have to work hard to keep her eyes on Mr. Morgendorffer's face the next time she saw him.

Daria continued on with her story, "Later on He met my mom on the set of one his movies, she had been working in the business a few months to help pay for college after her parents had to declare bankruptcy after a few bad investments. After that they started seeing one another while they worked together and with other people in films. Eventually Dad started directing and producing his movies and mom managed to finish law school, then started working as dad's lawyer right before she got pregnant with me. Dad's retired from actually acting now, but he still directs and owns his own studio outside of L.A."

"Wow, career day at school must have been ruff for you and Quinn," said Jane.

"Don't remind me. "

"So what was your mom's porn name?"

Daria groaned and looked down and muttered "velvtlashurt."

"What was that?" said Jane

"Velvet LaceHeart!" shouted Daria.

"Wow and I thought my family was different," said Jane. "You know it's not that big a deal."

"I know, and it's not like I'm ashamed of them or anything, but I'd rather it not get out," said Daria.

"Don't worry Amiga, your secret's safe with me, as long as no one ever recognizes you parents, and in a town as boring as Lawndale I'm sure that will never happen, everything will be fine," Jane said trying to sooth her friend's nerves.

"Yeah you're probably right," said Daria.

Several Months Later

Jane and Daria were lounging in front of the TV when a promo came on. On the screen two images appeared side by side, on the left was one of Helen at a School event from a few weeks earlier, and on the right, the cover of an old VHS tape, featuring a Bikini clad Helen standing between two large black men in loincloths with the title "Velvet and The Lost Tribe of Mandingos" on the bottom. "Most Moms have a few secrets from their wild years, but this one's are available on home video. From Porn Queen to P.T.A. member next on Sick, Sad, World," said the announcer of Jane and Daria's Favorite show.

The girls sat in stunned silence before Daria slowly got up, walked over to the wall and proceeded to bang her head against it.

"I guess we now know why upchuck fainted after meeting you mom during the paintball trip last month, and why he kept muttering "it's her, it's her"," said a nervous Jane.

Daria discontinued her head banging for moment and replied, "God school is going to suck Monday. This is going to be worse than when all those idiots kept bugging me for advise after that moron Tommy Sherman died."

"Well no one said High School would be easy, but at least you've still got me," said Jane as she pulled Daria away from her wall.

"Thanks Jane, but I swear to god if Upchuck or any other idiot with a Y chromosome asks for me for my mom's autograph, I'm performing Orchidectomies on the lot of them."

Jane laughed and said, "You realize Ms. Barch would probably offer to lend a hand right?"

Daria smirked, "for once I'd be thankful for her misandric tendencies."

Jane suddenly got an evil grin on her face, "I wonder how little Miss Popularity will explain this to the Fashion Club?"

Daria's mouth formed a small Mona Lisa smile, "Maybe Monday won't be so bad after all," she said, a moment later the phone rang and it was answered upstairs, followed by a scream of pure terror.

"I guess Quinn just found out," said Daria with a smirk.