THE ART OF LOSING YOURSELF

Summary: Tris is tired of her life—one where she's submissive and weak, one where she does everything her (ex)boyfriend, Peter, wants her to. In hopes of putting her old life behind her, she moves back to the town where she grew up. On her journey to find herself—her real self—she meets Tobias, a man who seems to have no job, no money, and no care for the future. He's mysterious and brooding and he makes her question everything about herself. An unlikely chance meeting between the two may turn into something much more... On her lonely road to discover who she really is, she realizes she's not the only one who wants to uncover the truth about herself, and she's certainly not the only one who wants to begin anew.

—This story is about friendships, and the importance of family. It is about letting go of the past, looking towards the future but also living in the moment. This story deals with grief, hope, and also strength—the strength to fight for yourself and those you love but also for what you believe in.

—It is an AU fic (translation: Alternate Universe where there are no factions, etc) and the backstory is completely different to that in the book. Be warned that is this rated M, and will have some seriously hot scenes as we progress into the story.

—None of the characters belong to me, except the original ones that I create. I am merely borrowing the characters that Veronica Roth invented for my own story. I own the plot.

Chapter 1 — TRIS

Keep going.

Tris told herself, as she pushed herself to finish that last mile that she had been dreading. She had already finished majority of her run, leaving the hardest to last: the big uphill climb that would take everything she got left. There wasn't much left in her body, her energy was dropping well below what was safe and normal, and her vision was beginning to fail her. Her whole body was malfunctioning.

The grass crunched beneath her feet, and Tris tried to concentrate on that annoying sound, rather than the burning in her legs. She had to reach deep down, needing to fuel the fire that was now just a spark caught in the wind. She summoned the last thing she remembered before her whole world got shot to hell—Peter screaming, crashing, thrashing manically in her room, flinging objects in every direction whilst hurling insults at her. She remembered how terrified she was then—how terrified she was of him all the time. He was possessive, he was destructive, he was a ticking time bomb, and sure enough, he had exploded. The memory triggered the tiny embers that in turn ignited the blaze again. This time, she let it consume her whole body, using the trigger to dig deep and will herself to run faster this time.

The wind picked up again, and she felt like she was floating in the breeze. Her hair clung to the sweat on her neck, and it tickled her, but nothing could destroy this moment of peace now. She let the soft wind push her along, as she struggled up the hill that she had been dreading since it came into view two blocks ago. With each step, she could feel the burning sensation in her leg intensifying, crippling her. She chewed down on her lip to stop herself from crying out.

She was so close. The country farmhouse that she had been—and will be—calling home for the summer holiday was there, just beyond her reach. When she left here, she would never have imagined coming back. In fact her last promise before leaving was to make something of herself. But what had she accomplished since then? Sure, she was studying to be an English Major, but besides that, what did she have to show for herself? A trophy girlfriend to an abusive partner… Surely, that couldn't be all to the promise. There had to be more—there had to be more to herself.

Tris had left, wanting a new life for herself, rather than the farmer girl who wore pigtails all day. She wanted something more; a life that was rewarding, fulfilling, and a life that was meaningful. She wanted to live a life with a purpose. Now, she was back, wanting to escape the new life she had invented for herself—the life where her ex-boyfriend was a controlling freak and her relationship was nothing but a complete disaster. The new life she had created herself was wrong… it wasn't like all she had imagined. So, without much of a surprise, she was back. Back to where it all started. It shouldn't be a shock to anyone because that was what she did best. She ran when things got tough.

Her heels dug into the soft mud, as she carried down the empty stretch of road. The one thing that she used to believe in—the only thing that would reassure that everything would be okay in the end—was now just another organ that allowed her to live. The red had turned to black, flesh into stone, and it now solely beats out of rage and hopelessness instead of love.

She tried to take in another deep breath, knowing all too well that she had pushed herself too far on the run. It was June, the hottest time of the year, and the sun was beating down on her hard. She used the back of her hand to dot away the beads of sweat that stuck to her skin. Every muscle in her body screamed for a break, to slow down, but she didn't listen. She had to continue to push herself, because if she didn't, her mind would wander. And she didn't want to remember anything from the past few years of her life.

She didn't want to remember how she left all the good things behind in her life, her parents who loved her more than the world, her brother, and the girl who had been there her whole life. Christina… The name felt almost foreign on her lips. She hadn't seen her friend in so long. Yes, they had made effort to keep in contact over the last four years but it had been hard. Email was their main form of contact, since calls were fairly expensive over states, but even then, time seemed to slip away from them. First it was days, then weeks, which quickly turned into months. Tris couldn't remember the last time she had even spoken to her friend. It had been so long. There was so much to tell, so much Tris desperately wanted to spill. She had missed her friend so much; they had used to talk daily, gossiping about their days and complain about how boring their lives were. Now, Tris wanted nothing but boring again…

She ran harder. She didn't want to remember how horrible her life in the metropolis was, how terrible living with Peter had been for the past few years. Like anything, the first few months were perfect, and for a while, it seemed like nothing could go wrong. She had spoken far too soon, because only a while later everything changed. Peter would come home, grumpy and totally cut off. Tris, being naïve, had thought it was a bad day at the office, but it only occurred more frequently each time, until it was every day. He had grown cold, rude and bitter. He was nothing like the man she had fallen for.

The faded letters spelling out her last name—Prior—came into view as she turned into the gravel road that led to the small two-story house. She pushed through the pain, sweat and tears, and focused on how badly her legs were now aching, threatening to buckle beneath her weight. She tried not to think about how her life had turned for the worse, and how she was now running from her past. She reached out, silently willing the house to be a few metres closer to the road. Her arms stretched in front of her, her body on the verge of collapsing, but the house was still so far away. The driveway seemed to be a million times longer than she had remembered. She reached out when she felt blackness sweeping across her mind, but her fingers grasped nothing but air.

…

"Ugh," she groaned as she pushed herself into a hunch, propping herself onto her elbows. Her head was pounding, and she felt slightly delirious. Her vision was spinning, and she quickly moved a hand to her temple, trying to steady herself mentally. Only then did she realize how much her muscles were aching from her calves through her shoulders. "What happened to me?" She muttered beneath her breath as she scooted more upright. She looked across the room to where her mother was standing in the kitchen, with a concerned expression on her face.

Her lips were tightened into a straight line, and Tris felt herself skip a breath. Was she furious that she had passed out? Or was she angry that she had gone for a run despite her warnings? She braced herself for a scolding, but it never came.

"Glad you're finally awake." Her mother said, taking her time to fill a glass of water before walking to her side. "How are you feeling?" She asked as she passed the glass of water.

Tris took it with shaking hands. They were still weak. In fact, a lot of the muscles in her body took a good beating today. "Better." She managed to croak out. Her lips felt dry, and she ran her tongue over the cracks to smooth them out. Her lips were cracked and broken, possibly from the heat and the dehydration, but more probably, from her chomping down on them in nervous twitches.

"Um…" She began to rub her arms, not knowing how to apologize. "Sorry I scared you like that. I guess I didn't know how exhausted I really was towards the end… I know you warned me about running today—and I should've listened—but I just needed to clear my mind… I needed to forget about some things…" Tris swallowed. She hadn't told her parents about Peter yet—they knew most of it, just not the gory details. She was planning to tell them but the right time never came up. She bit down on her bottom lip, praying that her mother wouldn't question her.

Luckily, she didn't. "I get it. I just wish you took someone with you… you're lucky that a nice man found you and carried you all the way down the driveway." Her mother paused to peer down curiously at her. Tris shifted beneath her gaze. "He was really sweet, a gentleman actually. You should've seen the way he looked at you. He looked so worried, and he stayed long enough to make sure you were in good hands. It's a shame he didn't stay longer though, it would've been nice to have him around for dinner as a small thank you."

Her mother looked so sad, so Tris forced a smile, but she wasn't really looking for another man right now. "That's good…" She mumbled, trying to act interested.

"He was pretty easy on the eyes too…" Her mother looked up at her, eyebrow raised.

Tris shook her head. "I think I'm all set for the summer. Besides, I don't need a man to have fun." She let out a small exhale. "I'm just here to take a break from the studying."

Her mother's eyes flickered over to the seat beside her, and Tris shifted so she could sit. "I know that." She said, voice small. "I just thought it might be good to let loose once in a while, you know?" She took Tris' hands into hers. "Sometimes relationships don't work, and it's completely fine because that's all a part of life. But sometimes, you need to stop worrying about the future so much, and just live in the moment. I think that's what you need right now. I think you need someone to help you take your mind off Peter for a while." She turned to give Tris a small smile. "I don't care if it's with a guy or not. Just remember to have fun… Okay?"

Tris choked out a small "Okay" of her own.

"Good." Her mother said with a strong nod, then promptly got up and returned back to the kitchen, tending to the large pot on the stove.

Tris let her eyes wander over the kitchen. It hadn't changed much over the years, and the pastel yellow wallpaper still lined the kitchen. This left a small smile on Tris' face; she had loved that colour so much. Her nostrils filled with a delicious scent, and she licked her lips unknowingly in anticipation.

"What is that?" Tris asked, letting her curiosity get the better of her.

"Dinner." Her mother turned and answered with a smile. "Now why don't you go get cleaned up. Dinner will be ready when you come down."

A/N: Hello everybody! And welcome to my new story. I hope you've enjoyed this first chapter, despite how short and slow it is. I promise you—well I can't really—but the story should get better as it goes along… especially when a mysterious guy (*hint hint*) comes into the story. For those who came from my old stories, thank you for sticking with me! As always, thank you for reading and leave me a review with your thoughts. :)

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