Okay, before you read, I need to get some things clear here. Bulimia is a very serious matter. No matter how you view it, it's one of the main causes of depression, anxiety and can some times lead to anorexia. If you have no idea how one can be bulimic or what bulimia is. I'll explain as much as I can.
Bulimia is a illness that deals with a person who binges on food or has the tendency to overeat on many occasions and sometimes feels at a loss of control. This then leads to the events of the person vomiting or abusing laxatives to prevent from the extra gain of weight or just any weight in general.
Most women are bound to have a case of bulimia than men. It's more likely to happen to adolescent girls and young women. The person affected is usually pretty aware of their abnormal eating habits and may be fearful or guilty.
An exact cause of bulimia has never really been figured out. But many things that can cause it range from: society to trauma. Even sometimes family members or cultural factors.
I won't list all the symptoms but alot of them can go from excessively exercising yourself or sometimes using water pills.
This often sometimes brings a sign of relief to the victim affected and the episodes can continue. People with bulimia mostly have a natural and healthy weight but feels as if they are over-weight which is a huge problem.
There are plenty of ways to prevent this from occuring, but there's no exact way to solve the problem but therapy could be a choice although it won't help much.
And I just would like to add on that: No matter what size you are, you're naturally beautiful inside. Nothing defines who you really except your heart and I'm getting all corny on you guys, I know. But seriously don't put yourself down. If you're feeling depressed, if your anxiety is getting the best of you, it's okay. Don't think of yourself as something that you're not. You are you. And you; to me are beautiful.
Disclaimer: I own nothing but this plot. This story is very angst full and if you don't like reading things about this, I suggest you don't.
It's not bad but it just deals with a lot of things that are very emotionless and it's very OOC.
Ally stared blankly at the wall. Her face emotionless. Her heart racing repeatedly. She sat still on her bed. Hands placed solely onto her lap. Her mind cluttered with thoughts. She was becoming impatient. Every second that passed was intriguing. She tried to resist but she couldn't. Everyday it got harder. She plead to herself but it was no use. She would always give in.
Was this really what this had come to?
She was reluctant. She didn't want this. No one would want this. But she couldn't help but wonder why she did this to herself. She dragged herself into this. And she was afraid she wouldn't be able to stop.
No one knew. She didn't want them to. She could constantly hear the things they would call her in her head. Those harsh words would only eat her inside, bring her down, push her to the edge and break her even more than she considered herself to already be. Truth was, she was ashamed of herself.
Every time she looked in the mirror. She didn't see the person she was recognized as. She was a heartless, broken, wrathful being. She was worthless but they saw her as something else.
Beautiful. She hated that word. She despised it. It didn't define who she really was. It degraded her. Because she was far from it. Or so she thought.
Sometimes she wondered what he'd think of her. If he'd love her all the same. If she'd even be worth the fight anymore. She knew he would take it the hardest. He cared for her just as much as she cared for him. But she would need him to understand that it wouldn't be easy.
He was stubborn though. And he wouldn't stop at nothing until he knew she was okay. She didn't want him to worry about her. In her mind, she was fine. She had her problems, she knew that. But it wasn't nothing she couldn't fix on her own. She didn't need someone to baby her. He wouldn't even understand the first thing about why she did this to herself. She couldn't hurt someone, she had already did that to herself and if she broke him, she wouldn't be able to live with herself.
She slowly looked down at herself, as she lifted the hem of her tank-top, revealing her stomach. You could barely make out the outline of her stomach anymore. Her ribs were gradually pushing through her skin, making them completely visible. She released a soft sigh from her lips as she showed absolute remorse for harming herself in this way. What was she going to do?
She hated seeing herself this way. But she couldn't look at herself the way she did before. That's just not her anymore. She's so gone.
Suddenly there was a noise that startled her. After relaxing down; she heaved herself up from her seat on her bed and exited her bedroom. Soon, as she got closer to the staircase, she heard the sounding of someone knocking on the door. She quickly pulled her shirt down and made herself look presentable.
Ally lowered her body down the steps, one by one. Once at the bottom, she slowly scurried to the front door to where the unknown knocker was. Opening the door, there revealed an all too familiar face and she choked out a small 'hello' to the visitor.
She cursed herself for not taking time to look in the mirror. She felt his eyes on her intently, as they studied her face. She could see the worriness in his face. She cleared her throat not even a second later, to avoid the overwhelming eye contact.
He smiled at her but it soon faded into a look that Ally couldn't even understand. He immediately noticed her gloomy state. His protective mode set in as she held the door open for him to enter. He could see how much paler she looked. Her eyes were red and he could also notice the puffiness that surrounded them. Had she been crying? She noticed his vigil state so he quickly snapped out of it.
As he stepped inside, he felt an uninviting tension in the air. Something was wrong. Very wrong but he wasn't sure what. He couldn't question her, she hated when he did that.
Ally closed the door behind him and locked it instinctively. She followed him as he made his way into the front room. He cautiously took a seat at the couch, briefly taking notice to his re-found surroundings; merely trying to find if anything was wrong or out place. He was cut out of his trance when she plopped down next to him.
They sat in pure silence for what felt like minutes. She hadn't said a word, she just sat there quietly, playing nervously with her fingers. She would fidget around on the couch, as if she was scared or frightened. She seemed tense. He didn't want to call her out for her odd behavior, it was too risky. But he had to know.
He placed a hand calmly onto her knee. That seemed to stop her fidgeting for a few moments before she finally faced towards the blonde. He rose an eyebrow and she tried to break his gaze from hers but he didn't let her.
His hand now placed under her chin, tilted her face towards his once again. He took a few breaths he didn't know he was holding in before he spoke.
"You want to tell me what's wrong?" He asked in the calmest way he could think of. He scooted his body closer to hers but his eyes never left her.
Ally gulped a little and pushed away. She shook her head almost immediately; trying her best to distance herself away from him. She couldn't bare when he did this. He wouldn't stop until he got answers and she wasn't ready for that.
Austin felt a little hurt but he washed it away when he felt how cold she was. His hand still lingered on her lower leg as he rubbed his thumb soothingly onto it.
Austin grabbed her hand softly and pulled her back to him in a gradual manner. He leveled himself up from his seat and got down on one of his knees. His body faced her.
"Ally," He breathed out. "I know something's wrong.." It was like an intuition he had with her. This wasn't the first time he had noticed how much more fragile and vulnerable she had become. She had become more distance, she wouldn't even look at him the same anymore.
Her smile seemed forced. She didn't interact with anyone as much. Her demeanor had completely changed. He didn't want to think the worse but he couldn't help to. Her state was getting worse and he had no idea what was going on. He just wanted to be there for her but he knew she wouldn't let him. That didn't mean he wouldn't stop trying and she knew that.
He had also noticed her lack of an appetite. She never ate anything. She began to look more thinner than usual and it was kind of surreal to him. Whenever he asked her about it, she said it wasn't nothing. But he wasn't buying it. He had no experience in the area but what if she was what he thought. He was scared. She didn't deserve this.
She still looked down, she couldn't stand to face his pleading eyes. When he got no answer, he momentarily gave up. She emptied her face into her hands. He sat back up on the couch and just let her sort her thoughts out. He watched her as she tried to calm herself.
After another round of minutes passed, he grew impatient. She was still in the same position. Suddenly he could hear the faintness of sniffling come from the young brunette and his eyes widened. He neared closer to her again and enveloped her into his strong arms.
That was the point where she broke. She didn't have to say a word. He just knew. Something was terribly wrong. But he wouldn't pressure her into telling him. It wasn't right and he felt a little guilty for his previous actions as he clinged her tighter to his chest.
He leaned back against the couch as she silently cried. Her tears was casually on the brink of falling out; one by one. She didn't know how to explain to him. She couldn't believe how fast she had gave in but she wouldn't give him that satisfaction of knowing too soon. She had to find out a way to tell him and she didn't know how.
She hated hiding this from him. From everyone too but him mostly. She didn't want help but if she told him, she knew he'd stop at nothing to gurantee he'd be there for her every step of the way. He gently rubbed her back as her cries came out. She mentally cursed herself for letting it all out but she had to. She had so much built up and needed to let it out.
The night soon faded in and her crying never stopped. He continued to hold her until she fell asleep. He ran his fingers through her hair as he whispered into her ear 'it's going to be okay' and 'i'm not going anywhere.'
And for once, he surely wasn't. She needed him but she just wouldn't tell him.
A few days had passed. Everything had seemingly began to fall apart. In the blink of an eye it all fell from his hands. Even hers. She didn't know what was going on but she felt on the verge. They were both at his house that night. She had come to see him. She didn't want him to worry about her. She could take care of herself but she had the knowledge to know that he still hadn't let go of what had happened the other night. It was only a matter of time before he asked again.
He had made dinner and she had to pretend to be excited. She still hadn't found a way to let him know, she wasn't even sure if she wanted him to know at this point. She temporarily brushed the subject out of her mind as he entered the room. He had let her know that dinner was finished and she sighed a little as she hesitantly stood up. Her shoulders fell slightly and she suddenly felt very weak in the knees. He escorted her to a table and she gladly took a seat.
The food smelt good but she could already feel quite dizzy from it. She forced a smile when he took a seat across from her. She tried her best to keep interest as they conversate but her mind kept drawing back to the eerie feeling in the pit of her stomach. She felt nauseous and she didn't want to seem rude. She picked with her food. She couldn't seem amicable anymore as she swiftly spoke up.
"Uhm..I need to be excused for a second," She said quite dryly which of course ended up sticking out to the blonde across from her.
He rose an eyebrow as he cautiously watched her stand from her seat and make her way up the stairs. He let the thought slip from his head as he got up also from eagerness. He waited till she made her way up completely to the stairs then the bathroom. Once he heard the door shut, he followed suit.
He stood a few inches away from the bathroom door. He quietly tugged onto the door knob but it wouldn't budge. She had locked herself inside. Silence brewed for a few moments before he heard the lid of the toilet being pulled up. Not even a second later, he could hear gagging. He thought to himself for a second before deciding against his first thoughts.
The gagging continued for minutes until it abruptly stopped. Was she vomiting? She hadn't even touched any of her food. So that was strange. He could hear her small feet tap against the bathroom tile as she made her way to the sink. She stared at herself in the mirror. She hated everything about herself. This wasn't her. It felt like her breaking point had come. She couldn't hold on any longer. She wasn't worth anything. She was useless. A good waste of oxygen.
Over the past few years, she had let dieting dominate her life and she was done. She can remember when she used to eat all the time. How shameful she felt of her self, how depressed she was and how guilty. She thinks if she even allows herself to eat again, she won't be able to stop. Then she'll hate herself even more. She knew purging wouldn't solve a thing. But she kept doing it otherwise. She continued to binge against food too until she just couldn't even look at it the same anymore.
She felt defensive towards herself yet angry too. She didn't want anyone to be there for her. She didn't need that. She let the constant stress, low self-esteem, shame, and negativity get to her. She didn't want to admit she had a problem. But deep down she knew she did. It was just hard to come to terms with. She wanted it all to be over.
The person staring back at her was no longer. She was done. Bushed. She screamed into her hands immediately; letting it all out. Austin jumped at the sudden sound and quickly banged onto the door. Ally was thrown off guard and fell to the floor, her face in her knees. She was shaking uncontrollably and violently. Wondering if she ever be able to stop.
When he got no answer, he grew even more worried. "Ally, open the door. Please." He begged. She couldn't find the courage to open the door so she stayed in place.
He suddenly began to push his body hard against the door as he heard the cries she tried so desperately to hold in. Once the door budge, he scurried himself in. She was now against the lower cabinet in fetal position. When he saw her, complete horror over took him. Rushing to her side, he took her body into his and tightened his grip around her. She tried to break and escape but he held on tighter.
"Please, Please! No!" She cried out, continually trying to break free. Her eyes were shut tight as her fists began to pound against his chest but he never let her go. No matter how much it surprisingly hurt. She finally gave in after a few failed attempts and fell into the crook of his neck.
The wetness of her tears dried against his neck but he didn't mind. This was it. He needed those answers. And he wanted them now. More than ever.
She seemed to understand because before he knew it she was sitting up straight, facing him. She nodded to him to let him know she was ready. He just sat there ready to listen. He knew in this matter, he shouldn't judge. He should just let her explain.
She bit back on her tongue to stop the cries from coming out. "A few years ago.." She began. "Before I met you, I used to binge alot."
Austin didn't seem to understand, so he arched an eyebrow before it hit him. She starved herself. Why? He still didn't say a word.
"Everything was coming on me at once and I felt so horrible about myself. I didn't want to bring myself down but I couldn't help it. My mom soon noticed and she had no idea what to do. She tried therapy but it didn't work. She then began to take me to these meetings. Where there were other kids like me. They were experiencing the same I was. That helped me stop for a while. After a few months, I was fine. Back to my old self and that's when I met you. You kind of saved me too...you just didn't know it." She shrugged.
"You got the old Ally but then college came. And I saw all those perfect sizes all those girls were and I was afraid. I still don't even know why. I felt so beneath them all. I felt judged. But the funny thing is, no one was judging me but myself. I felt so useless and as if no one cared and soon it came back." She choked out.
"I don't know what else to do, I wanted to tell you...but being this way is my problem not yours. I don't want you to worry. Just please don't." She said solely to him. "I don't want your help, I don't want anyone's. I not okay but I will be eventually." She admitted and Austin nodded.
"Ally," He said softly. "You know I'm not letting this go that easily. I'm not going anywhere." He confessed and she shook her head.
"Please, stop!" Ally cried. "I don't need anything from you. I can fix myself. I have before and I will again if that's what it takes."
Austin sighed solemnly. "You can't. You're not emotionally capable of doing that right now, Ally and I'm not letting you." He almost demanded.
Ally rolled her eyes because she knew he was right. "I just don't want you to put so much effort into trying to fix me. I don't want to hurt you, if I don't progress."
Austin got closer to her again and laughed a little. "Ally, you are my life. You are my problem. You are my everything now. Whatever happens to you, happens to me and that's the line." He rubbed her shoulder a little and she nodded, falling into his arms.
"I'm not giving up on you, ever." He said, believing himself completely. "I love you too much to ever do that." He kissed the top of her muffled hair.
She snorted a little. "You're so corny, you know that?"
"I always have, babe." He held her tighter to him. "Because hey, I will always stay by your...side forever."
"Cause we're better together?" She said, it coming out more like a question.
"Always." He whispered.